A U.K. man is having trouble being the third wheel in a relationship, so he’s seeking advice from Dannii Cohen at The Gay UK.
“I’m going out with two husbands,” Tony from Portsmouth writes. “I’m worried that I’m going to be dumped and that I’m not good enough for these two guys I’m seeing.”
Tony explains that his boyfriends have been together for six years and are civil partners.
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“As a thruple we’ve been together for a year and recently they decided to make our three-way relationship closed,” he explains. In other words: “Just the three of us.”
Tony says things are “great” and he feels “really happy about that.” But there’s still something bothering him.
“I’m worried that they’ll get bored of me and want to move on without me,” he confesses. “I guess I just feel a little left out on my own. I don’t live with them and although I don’t necessarily want that, I do feel on the outside.”
He wonders: “What should I do not to feel on the outside and what do I do if they decide to open up the relationship again–or move on without me?”
Sounds like a sticky situation.
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In his response, Dannii doesn’t hold back any of the tough love.
“What I am going to tell you might not be what you want to hear, but understand this: I only have your best interests at heart,” he writes. “Even though these men might be nice to you and you probably feel good being part of this thruple, are you sure you want this forever? You say it yourself: they might move on or get bored of it. You are at the mercy of their whims.”
Dannii goes on to say that Tony is in a vulnerable position.
“Where the relationship is concerned they have all the power: years of being together and a civil partnership,” he explains. “The fact that you don’t live with them gives you even less claim on anything concerning emotional ties.”
“It also sounds as if you are not in love with either of them, but are scared of being alone,” Dannii says. “If you feel any doubts maybe it is best to leave now and find a single person you can connect with.”
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“You deserve better,” he concludes, “and it’s out there for you.”
Low Country Boy
I’ve got to agree with Dannii. The advice is spot on, even though it is not what this guy wanted to hear.
crowebobby
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
IDoNotHaveToAgreeWithYou
Somewhere out there, there’s a fool that sticks his dick in beehives. Stop reporting on these things like they are normal.
Jere
Actually, this crux of the question has nothing to do with this relationship being a thruple or that the other two are long-term partners. People in relationships grow and change and sometimes that means that the relationship has to end and it doesn’t matter if that relationship is gay or straight or between 2 people or 3 people or more. So any relationship is just “for now” until somebody dies. So I’d tell the guy to relax and enjoy his relationship if it fulfills him and keep the lines of communication open with his partners about future changes. For all he knows, HE may be the one dumping them when his needs change a year from now. Or maybe in 50 years, these three will be the cute grandpas next door.
Brian-E
That is disappointing and potentially harmful advice on the basis of what we’re told here. Why does the counsellor think that Tony isn’t really in love with either of his partners? Why does the counsellor question whether Tony really wants the relationship? Tony’s concerns, we are told, are centred around his feelings of insecurity in the relationship, not – for so far as we know from what he says – about whether the relationship is right for him. The obvious piece of advice, which I don’t see the counsellor giving, is for Tony to talk to his partners about his fears and concerns and for the three of them to see where they all want to go from there.
If the counsellor is basing their advice simply on personal doubt that a three-way relationship can work, then they should put such prejudice aside before offering people in such relationships counselling help. There are very successful three- and even four-way relationships around.
As an aside: marriage and partnership laws need to be modified to accommodate relationships with more than two partners.
ErikO
Queens that are in toxic relationships or co-dependant relationships where they want a 3rd man are best avoided. I would not be surprised if both married men are cheating on each other, and if the man they invited in cheats on them.
Patrick Van Der Ven
I can only this: you as a human being deserve to be loved—–totally and unconditionally. You can never achieve that in a polyamorous relationship, no matter what their advocates say. I read and guffawed at Brian’s comments about the advice being given as he avoids the glaringly obvious: only when you have one partner can you apply 100% commitment and concentration to one person. The amount of time and emotional commitment diminishes on the number of people involved. So here is my advice: move on! Find someone who will love you and you only. It is not hard; it is not complicated and you will find the affection showered on you make you ever happy you are not part of tragic love triangle, where those involved are selfish, self absorbed philanderers who could not commit to an appointment let alone a healthy and loving relationship.
Patrick Van Der Ven
@ErikO: Great comment :). You nailed it.
Heywood Jablowme
“You deserve better.” Meh, maybe he doesn’t! Maybe this is the best he can do. lol.
SnorlaxationKH
I was the third guy in a situation like this, only I realized going in that the two of them weren’t in the best situation (imo), so I like to think I made it a little better for a little while.
You should know and understand going in, that regardless of how much time they’ve been together without you (friends to lovers/ been together 6 months/ been in a relationship for several years and are several generations older than you?)
that you are a fresh new thing for them, but that they have the history and the ‘power’.
You might only be a way of spicing up their lives (and only one of several guys they hook up with separately or as a couple), you might be someone that really connects with them outside of the bedroom that they think might also fit inside the bedroom, or they truly feel they’re missing enough things between them that a third person might just fix/fit.
Being in a relationship has plenty of hurtles and trials all its own, but being in a triade/thruple can be even more tiring, especially emotionally.
it sounds like he’s at the stage where things could be getting more serious (or he wants it to be getting more serious), or he’s found a couple that he really wants to genuinely be a part of. He’d need to decide whether to just enjoy himself and the way things are, or ‘risk’ talking to them about it and find out if they want what he wants.
It’s important to understand what they, and what you, all want.
XzamilIoh
Disgusting. This is why people get AIDS.
Brian-E
@Patrick Van Der Ven: You say that “only when you have one partner can you apply 100% commitment and concentration to one person” and that this is “glaringly obvious”. What you really mean is that it is glaringly obvious to you that you could only give your commitment to one partner. Please remember that we are diverse as human beings, and that diversity certainly includes how we experience romantic relationships. I don’t think you would condone a straight person saying that it is “glaringly obvious” that a man can only give a 100% commitment and concentration to a woman. So I hope you can also appreciate that some people are polyamorous, that is the way they are, and their relationships deserve as much recognition as ours do.
Paco
If he is feeling insecure in the unconventional relationship and his insecurities are keeping him from voicing his concerns to the others in the relationship, then he needs to seriously ask himself if that type of relationship is even for him. His situation doesn’t sound healthy at all if he is having such doubts and can’t even express those doubts openly. Relationships can only thrive with open and honest communication.