A gay man in his 30s is struggling with more than half a decade of singledom. He wonders: Will he ever find his Prince Charming?
“I’m a single man in my mid-30s,” the man writes to advice columnist Mariella Frostrup. “I was something of a monogamist throughout my 20s with only three relationships by 30. I’ve now been single for six years.”
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The man goes on to say that he’s only had one relationship that he felt truly happy in. It didn’t work out, however. And now that he’s had a taste of Heaven, he’s not sure he’ll ever find anything that compares.
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“My problem is, having experienced what I’d consider to be a ‘good’ relationship, I’m now finding it very difficult to find another,” he explains. “Finding someone I fancy and like (in the friendship sense) and who likes and fancies me is like searching for a needle in a haystack.”
Yup, sounds like dating!
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“I’ve met guys I fancy and guys I like, and sometimes even guys I like and fancy,” he continues, “but never one where it’s been reciprocated. Maybe I’m being a bit idealistic, but it seems to take gay men longer to settle down than their straight brothers and sisters.”
“Should I be more flexible?” he wonders. “I suppose I’m looking for reassurance that aspiring to have this type of connection is a reasonable thing to be pitching for.”
In her response, Frostrup basically tells the man that maybe he needs to stop trying so hard and just have fun.
“People meet in mysterious ways,” she says. “Insisting on a relationship where friendship and sex are equal partners from the outset may be narrowing your field.”
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“Most people don’t want to talk long-term before their short-term desires have been sated,” she continues. “It might seem like I’m stating the obvious, but perhaps you’re approaching this whole dating game too seriously.”
Dating, Frostrup says, is “more about luck than design.”
“Three relationships before you were 30, including one serious contender, is meagre by today’s sexually profligate standards,” she adds. “I’m not suggesting that you need to get busy on Tinder or Grindr, but there is a big difference between rampant promiscuity and embracing playtime with frogs while keeping the door ajar for the perfect candidate.”
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Finally, she writes, “I appreciate that your youthful determined monogamy is unusual and your standards are no doubt admirable, but are you having a good time? It’s not just gay men who are settling down later, it’s taking us all a lot longer to reach the point of maturity where we are capable of accepting that what we have is as good as it gets.”
“Ironically, in a world full of choice, choosing becomes an increasing challenge,” she concludes. “My advice is to take a step back from your ambitious selection criteria, enjoy your friends and lovers without thinking ahead and let one thing imperceptibly lead to another.”
What do you think? After six years of being single, is it time for this guy to let go of some of his selection criteria? Or should he keep waiting it out? Sound off in the comments.
Josh447
I’d rather comment on a post titled: Why Are Hard Men So Good To Find. Now that would be a fun something to comment about.
DDstar1me
This happens to be the story of my life. LOL. I don’t think we should get in the habit of comparing str8 men and gay men in terms of relationships. I’ve found that str8 men are often susceptible to the pressures of society and family.
In contrast, gay men have different pressures that have a lot to do with body image which lends itself to this idea of finding perfection in all aspects of life. I find that opening up your heart to receive true love requires maturity and looking beyond a persons physical appearance and attempting to find what’s in their heart.
This requires time and effort for which a large percentage of gay men are unwilling to sacrifice. To put it plainly, Many of us are just selfish and stuck in our ways. But that’s just my opinion. am not attempting to speak for all gay men. I wish I could see this situation much differently.
Mykaels
Be the man/woman you want to date. Crap attracts crap often. Look within, fix your faults, heal your wounds. If good guys/girls are not attracted to you, figure out why. Do not look for someone who will “love me for all of my faults and damage”. No one will. Fix your damage. Fix your faults.
DMRX
@DDstar1me: Welcome to adulthood and maturity. 🙂
Dymension
I was single until the age of 37. I finally found the right man and I am happily married at the age of 52. I had to fuck a lot of frogs before I found my prince.
DDstar1me
@DMRX…LOL. I know. It just sucks.
markgtx11
Peter Pan Syndrome and a skewed perception of what is important in both life and in making a relationship work. People who find lasting relationships are usually those who figure out that doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. They stop holding out for the non-existent perfect or ideal partner/relationship based on superficial criteria. Many others will get older and mature and finally figure out what really matters and want to settle down–but usually only interested in doing so with someone half their age that was just like they were twenty years ago. You can blame everyone else’s behavior all you want, but if you look hard enough at your own, there is usually something you are doing or not doing that is keeping you single.
Solasguy
Yessss! All of the above however I’d be happy to meet someone plus or minus ten years (I’m 41), I’ve come up against so many men holding out for perfection.
Bauhaus
@Josh447:
Mae West was a man whisperer – “A hard man is good to find.”
crazycorgi
I guess no one has told this guy that after the age of 25 you are considered an old troll in gay culture. After 30 if you’re alone expect to stay that way or settle for less than what you deem perfect: The 18-21 year old 100 lb twinks everyone else is after. If you’re fat, fem, black, Asian, or God forbid any combo thereof, just shoot yourself.
Low Country Boy
@Mykaels: I agree. And I would add, please stop trying to tear others down to make you feel better. It is ugly and toxic.
Heywood Jablowme
@crazycorgi: “After 30 if you’re alone expect to stay that way or settle for less than what you deem perfect: The 18-21 year old 100 lb twinks everyone else is after.”
Uh… notice any irony in your own statement? If you’re over 30 and YOU consider the 18-21 twink “perfect,” you’re pretty f’d up.
If you’re over 30, try looking for another gay guy over 30. It’s not like there is a shortage of them (I mean, us!).
yaletownman
I didn’t meet my husband until we were both 38. I think it’s hard for a lot of reasons. Because so many of us didn’t have the high school or maybe even college years to experiment, date and develop sexually we often do those things during our 20’s and into our 30’s. We tend to be late bloomers. Also, because I believe men are more free with their sexuality we want to keep eating off the buffet until we reach the end where there is a sign that says ‘no eating after 40’. Plus, I think our sex drives mature after 40 and we want something more.
zimmy88
I met my soon-to-be husband when I least expected it. We were both around 30, just out of bad long-term relationships and not looking for anything. We clicked instantly and after a couple weeks we were both thinking “son of a b*$&%. I have to spend the rest of my life with you.” And five years later, through good and bad, I am positively the happiest I have been in my life. Just don’t try and rush this stuff.
jdboston617
@crazycorgi: Haha, but now, now. That’s not the truth. We all (ALL) feel this way to some degree at different times. But we were all 20 and we all (if we are lucky) be old.
There is no one perfect for any of us. There are lots of people that we can share happiness with. But it starts with being your best self and working hard at your relationship. It isn’t always easy or joyous, but it IS worth it.
Chris
@Josh447: Mae West beat you to it.
Chris
Gay/bi men, like all people, are imperfect; and IMHO, they are infinitely more interesting because of that. My only lesson, learned across a few decades of living, is “don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.”
Josh447
Mae West, she new us well!
jorgecruz
It is so funny seeing these articles on a website that devotes half its space to telling us that only perfectly built young muscle studs are having fun and that we should all aspire to be that ideal. Maybe stop running so many articles and photo spreads on the same vain guys that have grindr profiles that read no fats no fems no blacks no browns no yellows no greens no one over 30 etc etc etc and your readers wouldn’t be so obsessed with perfect white 25 years olds with huge dicks and ripped abs. I have some advice- ask someone out that is working at a community center or volunteering at a homeless shelter. Try seeing beyond their ass and their wallet and maybe your life won’t feel so empty.
startenout
42 and patiently waiting, but having fun on the way. 🙂
markgtx11
When it comes to this subject I see myself in the duality of the two principal characters of Brokeback Mountain. I used to be Jack, excited and optimistic about the possibility of true love until the reality of the gay world beat it out of me. Now I’m just Ennis, knowing that I can’t fix it, so i better learn how to stand it. Creating a full and happy life isn’t just about being in a relationship. When you make peace with that reality, your horizons expands exponentially.
RandomDude
It should be mentioned that it can be a lot tougher to meet guys in small an mid-sized towns than it is in major cities like New York, Chicago, or London or in college towns. This is especially true if you are attracted to more rugged guys.
A lot of guys who can pass for straight struggle a lot longer with coming out – especially in smaller towns and in the South – because there is a lot of pressure to fit in. When/if these guys do come out, they often try to make up for lost time, and settling down is the last thing on their mind.
Gay and bi are maybe 10% of the population, so we have a much smaller field to start with. In cities and towns where it is difficult to come out, maybe 5% of the population is gay or bi. An even smaller percentage will be in the same age range as this guy.
And the guy he’s looking for is likely having the same problem. Meeting people can be even tougher today because so many of us have straight friends we hang out with, further reducing the chances of crossing paths with Mr. Right.
Technology hasn’t really made this any easier. If you’re looking for someone who isn’t foremost looking for sex, gay apps probably aren’t going to help.
My advice: move to a big city and meet as many people as you can. Join clubs and teams with people who share similar interests. And try to have fun in the meantime.
The suggestion to basically settle is not very helpful. Trying to build a relationship with someone who doesn’t share your values or interests is a recipe for divorce.
Daggerman
….oh pleeease!! Stop whining and get on with your life. If a man wants you, he’ll then make it clear to you. Do not compare yourself to others..
Danny279
He sounds like a good guy with good values and excellent relationship goals. I don’t understand why that horrible advice columnist was crapping all over his values and trying to get him to use “today’s sexually profligate standards” as his own. That woman should not be handing out advice to anyone.
workin35man
Most think they are going to find the love of their life in 10-20 people. Take a look at a business deal. It can take a good 100-200 contacts to close ONE substantial business deal. With that in mind over 7 years I went on 1-2 coffee dates with different people a month. Made some wonderful friends along the way but most of all learned what works and what doesn’t. Next I read books on what makes a successful relationship. (It isn’t about just being “nice” to each other. It is about day to day actively expressing appreciation for what your partner is doing RIGHT..instead of defaulting to what you think they are doing wrong) One thing that made an impact… there was a study out that interviewed long term couples..both straight and gay…to see if there was a running “secret” to their longevity. The ONLY thing they found…was that they ALL had waited until day 32 AFTER meeting to have sex! The THEORY is that the human brain begins to build “bonding” synapses that bonds it to another human. When these foundation bonds are built on shared conversation..emotions..experiences…etc.. it is a deeper bond than hormonal connections through sex. When sex is added later on it is an enhancer to the foundation. 32 days isn’t very long to wait if you are truly into someone. With all this… at coffee date 122… 7 years in… I met my husband. 8 years later we are still happily married and building a wonderful life together. (Both in our early 50s now) He was a “say what he means do what he says” kind of guy…which helps. Follow through makes a difference! Thought I would share…as it was a journey..but well worth it.
workin35man
PS Waiting until day 32 or beyond…