It seems like the moment we think we’ve heard every term for sexuality and gender identity, another one comes along. Now we have “heteroflexible” to add to the lexicon.
But really, it’s a worthy addition. The word describes an otherwise straight-identifying person who has the occasional fantasy or willingness to explore with their own gender.
They aren’t gay, or even necessarily bi — just honest with themselves.
One Reddit user was perhaps a bit too honest when he broached the subject with his girlfriend of five months, although if she isn’t the type to come around and understand sexuality as a continuum, maybe she doesn’t deserve him.
He wrote:
I have in the past been passingly curious about men, on an entirely sexual level (it’s more about penis than men – the male form does absolutely nothing for me) and once experimented with a guy to explore the feelings. It was okay but I didn’t feel the need to ever repeat the experience. I identify as straight.
So I was casually talking in bed with my girlfriend of about 5 months and she mentioned how an ex had once told her that he had once experimented with a guy and as soon as he said that she lost all attraction to him. As she told me this, my body went into full panic mode and she immediately realised something was wrong. She said “Have you, too? Or do you like men, too?”.
I said no and she said that she felt like I was lying to her for the first time. After an insufferable silence I went onto to explain (very badly – I’ve never felt the need to explain/quantify this before) that I am a little heteroflexible. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her about the experimentation at the time and still haven’t told her.
I am incredibly open-minded and don’t really care for labels, what other people are into etc., but clearly this is not the case for her. She gets upset and didn’t know what to say. It ends up with her deciding that I am lying to myself, that I should allow myself to explore these feelings. Basically – that I am at least bisexual and maybe even gay, but in denial. I tell her that this is offensive – I am quite capable of exploring my own feelings and have come to my own conclusions. The conversation ends in tears on my own part (over her reaction), with her comforting me but refusing to say anything positive about the conversation, saying she doesn’t know what to think. She’s out of town today with work so I’m sat (working) at home on my own having the worst time of my life.
She just can’t comprehend on any level how I can have a passing interest in penis/male sexuality and maybe fantasize about every now and then, without this being a defining part of my sexuality. She thinks it HAS to mean that I attracted to men and want to be with men. How can I express this in some terms that she might understand? What can I say that might make her understand? This is the worst possible way I can think of losing someone I love.
What advice would you give him?
Grant Mealey
Ok….old here still think that’s kinsey scale bi…..but that’s ok ð???
Cam
Oh My god! First the excuse the people defending the closet used was “I don’t like Labels” and “Why use labels to judge everything?”
Now, since that B.S. was roundly criticized they are back, only their tactic this time is to create so many useless labels that nothing means anything.
The guy is dating women and seems to be into it, and also fantasizes about sex with men.
Ok Bisexuals, you all are on here a lot talking about Bi-Erasure, and I usually think you are full of it, but I totally get it now, I see it. This guy is bi, and yet the guy and the author seem desperate to pretend he isn’t.
Corey J Hodges
I don’t think you can, in the same diatribe, identify as straight then say you’re open minded and don’t like labels….
Nahald
@Cam: I tend to agree with everything you stated
animaux
@Cam: I agree. Even though they say they are fluid, they always make sure to also say they are basically heterosexual. So it’s saying “no labels” for the purpose of emphasizing their heterosexual label. Labels are meaningless, except for the straight one.
This is the reason why James Franco is promoting that infamous ex-gay homophobe in that recent movie. This is the reason why the entire queer theory exists. So that people who are not ok with being seen as anything but straight (Franco) are able to keep the label which gives them privileges, and still “explore” other sexualities.
Nathaniel McManus
Bi. It’s friggin’ bi.
I’m homo inevitable.
Kieran
When you started crying and allowed her to comfort you it was probably GAME OVER as far as she was concerned.
Fabricio Quintanilla
Really that’s other definition for a gay man?? O My God come soon and stop this perverse system!!
Mykaels
A. Based on the information provided I do not think he is bi, but indeed heteroflexible. The ‘flexibles’ usually are not attracted to the gender per say, but a ‘type’ or ‘something’. I am willing to bet he is not even attracted to “penis” as he says but “certain types of penis” more likely.
B. His girlfriend is insecure, and it would have fallen apart anyway. Better to get rid of that nonsense at 5 months then 5 years and a kid later.
Bauhaus
Sexually, I’m bi – identify as gay. I’ve always been up front and honest with all of my sexual partners (male and female) about my sexuality, pre-sex/relationship. It’s never been something I’ve sprung on someone months into it. I’ve found that being honest from the start, I’ve attracted two kinds of partners: those who are turned-on by bisexuality and those who just don’t care.
As far as this guy, he wants to occasionally fvck around with guys, but not on a romantic level (purely sexual) and still be able to maintain his straight status. These kinds of guys hate labels, unless the label has hetero in it.
Cam
@Mykaels:
You couldn’t provide any specifics as to the meaning, AND to back up your point you actually claimed completely different things then the guy did in the article.
Do you see what you just did? The person in the article stated something (Statement A)
You then claimed that the truth was (Statement B)
Just so you could defend the label (Heteroflexible) which you were then unable to define.
In other words, as others on here have stated, it’s just another way for people to claim they are straight and get all that yummy straight privilege, while they are sleeping around in very very not straight ways.
Cam
@Bauhaus: said…. ” These kinds of guys hate labels, unless the label has hetero in it.”
Nailed it.
Alexis Barros
Can people just stop making up new “sexualities”.
LucasH
Why isn’t there a link to the source? I’d like to go read it. Also, he should dump her ass and find another girl who is down with his inner kink. Seriously, dump her.
Steve318
I’m so tired of the straight/gay/bi debate. People in a relationship should only care about what’s going on during the relationship, not what happened before or what may happen after. If the sexuality of your partner bothers you, find another partner. If you lose your partner because of your sexuality, count your blessings and find one who wants you for you, and not your sexuality. If you are not in a relationship, have sex with whomever you want, and enjoy it. Sex is sex. It’s all about what curls your toes.
Will L
How can you love someone who doesn’t accept what is (whatever that might be)? It doesn’t seem important what he wants to call his attraction. He has simply found the wrong girl. She needs to deal with her own issues. He obviously needs to work on his.
cancorv
Just a word about the word – I found five examples here:
http://skell.sketchengine.co.uk/run.cgi/concordance?lpos=&query=heteroflexible
(to my great surprise)
AJAnders
I can’t stand it when people say, “I hate labels.”
That’s pretty much confirmation to people that you’re in denial about what your true orientation is.
Louie Mars
Dump her
Randall Parisy
This reminds me of a skit on Portlandia where they were making up various sexual identities. This is as bad as the people proclaiming there are more than two genders.
MCHG
Sexual absolutism sucks, doesn’t it?
@Cam: “Oh My god! First the excuse the people defending the closet used was “I don’t like Labels” and “Why use labels to judge everything?””
That actually wasn’t the argument made by people in the closet, given that decrying labels automatically denotes that the person is not entirely heterosexual. Someone who’s really in the closet isn’t going to get into a heated debate about sexuality, period.
“Now, since that B.S. was roundly criticized they are back, only their tactic this time is to create so many useless labels that nothing means anything.”
Looks like the younger generation is happily embracing the “no labels/endless labels” attitude, so I don’t think your criticisms had much effect.
“The guy is dating women and seems to be into it, and also fantasizes about sex with men.”
He’s romantically attracted to women and sexually curious about penis.
“Ok Bisexuals, you all are on here a lot talking about Bi-Erasure, and I usually think you are full of it, but I totally get it now, I see it. This guy is bi, and yet the guy and the author seem desperate to pretend he isn’t.”
You know who’s bi? Someone who identifies as bi. Someone who has BOTH a sexual AND romantic attraction to men and women. This guy is in love with a woman and occasionally finds penises (not even the men attached to them, just the appendage itself) attractive.
Those endless labels, that can get annoying at times, were created to accurately describe the situation the individual finds themselves in. Same thing with the Kinsey scale. I’ve always find it hilarious how gay people, who just a few years ago were considered disgusting and wrong, can find it in themselves to judge someone else’s sexuality.
The label doesn’t matter, HONESTY does. This guy tried being HONEST with his girlfriend and his feelings were completely dismissed. That sucks.
Masc Pride
As far as labels, I don’t think people hate labels; they hate the limits and hardships labels impose on them. People also reject labels when they don’t fully fit any, like this Reddit user. Sexuality can also get so complex that it transcends labels.
People don’t typically consider a woman who has a threesome with her husband/boyfriend to be a lesbian or even bisexual even if mild girl-girl action happens. There is a similar version of this for men. They definitely don’t want relationships with men, and don’t even want much sexually (maybe just some foreplay and a circle jerk). “Heteroflexible” is definitely a thing (it’s kinda hot too).
Bisexuality is part of my lifestyle. I don’t just have short bursts of attractions to women and men. “Heteroflexibles” are definitely pretty different from me and other bisexuals I know. I wouldn’t consider guys like this to be bisexual.
As far as the girlfriend, she has her view of how a man should be (and that’s her right). Just because he’s explained it to her, doesn’t mean she has to agree or be okay with it.
thomas prentice
The Kinsey scale is BI! BI! BI! BI! BI! BI! A continuum. Imagine that.
Of course THAT can’t be taught in SCHOOLS or in SUNDAY SCHOOL class now, can it? I mean, teaching and learning about “CONTINUA” as opposed to arbitrary binary either/or oppositions which is easier to teach, learn and ENFORCE. Oh, and the “BI!” thing too. Can’t have any of that, now, can we?
The truly facinating NEWS about Kinsey’s study — replicated and refined over the decades — was NOT that one-third of men had a sexual experience with a guy that led to orgasm perhaps SOMETIME LONG AGO. The NEWS was that >>>>> HUMANS ARE BI! BI! BI! BI! BI! BI! <<<<<
The media and society of the 1950s [1948 Sexual Behavior in the Human Male; 1953 Human Female] and thereafter was convulsed with the one-third "ick" factor rather than the fact that 2, 3, 4, and 5 meant "BI!" [that might mean YOU!] and ONLY 1 was was always straight and 6 meant always same-sexer. Caused lots of inter-hetero-relationship suspicion, doncha think, more than the more generalized "BI!" thing? How could you!
This was also the era of "commiepinkofag" … Nixon / McCarthy / Blacklisting / HUAC / Hollywood Ten / Lavender Scare … can't have anything interfering with that War on the Evil ATHIEST Soviet Communist Union that never INVADED or ACTUALLY THREATENED the US but which the US ACTUALLY INVADED after WWI, now, can we?
Question: How to get the Kinsey scale "Out of the Closet" ? Maybe a National /WorldWide Kinsey Study Coming Out Day would be useful?
Kinsey Institute: http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/research/ak-data.html#Scope
Also interesting to me is that it is penis-oriented for this fellow and the male form does nothing for him. For me, the male form is everything, especially male eyes. I wonder if love and honesty might be better foundations for relationships anyway?
Tattyfatty
Why is it that the people who claim to hate labels are usually the first to make up new ones?
GayMafiaKingpin
I would start by not quantifying it as just an attraction to the penis, and expressing that you have no interest in guys. That may be the case, but saying that isn’t going to help matters at all and is actually more likely to confuse her.
The problem here is that people don’t fully grasp what it is to be bisexual. And, as a result, will have an even harder time understanding the term “heteroflexible.” Too many people think that all bisexual people are interested in every man and woman that they see, or that the bi person is actually just gay, or straight, depending on who they are with at any given moment. They also mistakenly believe that they’ll always want to have sex with both a guy and a girl at all times and that they couldn’t possibly be monogamous.
So, what needs to be explained to the girlfriend, is that someone who is interested in both sexes, to whatever degree, isn’t necessarily going to require that his desire for penis needs to be fulfilled while the two of them are dating.
There also seems to be this misconception that any guy who has been sexual with another guy is less of a man. This is simply ridiculous and based solely on stereotypical images of gay men. You’d need to show her that you’re just as much of a man today as you were before she knew this little tidbit about you. And this little tidbit of information is really no worse than finding out that you like eating beets, or that blue is one of your favorite colors. It’s inconsequential.
You will need to express to her that she’s the only person you care about and that any attractions you have had to other guys is immaterial. You’re with her.
As for the heteroflexible term… Yes, there are men and women who have only a passing interest in the same sex. In the old days, they’d be considered a one on the Kinsey scale. Nowadays, we’ve created a newer term. Many, many people have interests, at least to some degree, for their own sex, or both sexes, or whichever you want to say it. For some, it’s stronger, and for others, it’s nonexistent.
http://ltasb.com/blog/2015/3/5/everybody-is-bisexual-bullshit
http://ltasb.com/blog/2014/11/29/kinsey-got-it-wrong
Captain Obvious
@Cam: Agreed, so over it. Between them and the closeted mos who just don’t want to admit they’re gay it’s way overboard and over the top. They’re bigger sissies than any sissy they think they’re better than that’s for sure.
All the beating around the bush and useless titles to try and “diffuse” the gayness(or bi-ness… ironically the original diffuser) is pathetic.
10 or more years ago gay men used to flat out reject anyone who wasn’t completely out yet, but would mentor if they were lucky. Now we’re supposed to accept all these idiots who won’t come out and own who they are.
Be “heteroflexible”/”homoflexible”/”pansexual”/lyingidiot in your closet all you want, you’re not one of us until you come out.
I swear the bulk of these lame titles just scream “Anything but gay!”. Even with bisexuality the real thing people are trying to erase or silence the majority of the time is the gay part of the equation. No one cares if a person claims bisexuality in a straight relationship.
Mr-DJ
Don’t use any of the many, growing, confusing labels. Just use your number (from 0 to 6) from the well established Kinsey Scale:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinsey_scale#/media/File:Kinsey_Scale.svg
I’m a K-6, so 100% Gay. You may be a “K-3” which is right down the middle Bi. Or someone may be a K-2, which is mostly straight buy does crossover a little. Etc…
(It’s my suggestion to use the “K” for Kinsey, so as to distinguish from the 1-10 “hotness” scale already in use)
Cam
@MCHG: said….
“You know who’s bi? Someone who identifies as bi.”
___________________-
Your entire post is ridiculous. If somebody identifies as “bi” but only is attracted to one gender, then guess what, what they choose to call themselves is irrelevant. If you have a child but choose not to identify yourself as a parent, guess what, that doesn’t matter, you’re a parent.
And the young aren’t embracing the “No Labels” attitude, because, guess what, on dating aps, they are STILL checking the box for what gender they want to meet, oooops, that’s a label.
But nice try.
ethan_hines
Oh and like she never ever fantasized about pleasuring another woman?! Yeah right.
Hermes
@Grant Mealey: I would assert that it is not bisexual. There are a huge number of men who can have sex with other males, and even enjoy it – but who cannot have a romantic relationship with anyone but a female. To me that’s straight, as I also k now some men who can have sex with women but are only interested in men. In my experience bisexuals can have both sex and relationships with either.
drivendervish
There is no need to add “hetero-flexible” to the lexicon, he is bi-sexual. There is no requirement that bisexuals maintain a 50/50 ratio with male and female sex partners. If he’s trying to say that he is interested in relationships with women but only sex with men that is due to his limited experience with men and will change once he becomes more comfortable or meets Mr. Right, IMO.
Cam
@Hermes: said… “@Grant Mealey: I would assert that it is not bisexual. There are a huge number of men who can have sex with other males, and even enjoy it – but who cannot have a romantic relationship with anyone but a female. To me that’s straight,”
_______________________________________
It is irrelevant what it is “To You”. It isn’t straight. Sexuality doesn’t take into consideration people’s homophobic self hating issues, i.e. he is attracted to men but only wants to “Date” women. To YOU that is straight, to most of the rest of the world, that is a closet case on the DL cheating on a clueless woman.
So no, he isn’t straight, he is either Bi, and attracted to both, or he is a big ole gay closet case.
onthemark
@Cam: I agree with you almost all the time, so I’m really puzzled about your reaction here.
With this “problem,” I’m wondering what your “solution” is? Bring back severe enough societal homophobia to shame all those awful 90%+ hetero guys into never, ever experimenting with guys?
Or at least, never ever admitting to it, talking about it or “labeling” it?
Robothedestroyer
So he is a guy who is romantically interested in women but has a penis fetish. I feel like this concept is way harder for folks to understand than it should be.
He hates labels because, if you refer to a large amount of the posts above me, look how crazy people get about them. I absolutely feel he is “straight,” if we must use a label. I’ve always considered sexuality, despite its name, to honestly be about romance not biology.
I agree the amount of sexual preferences has become overwhelming over the last few years, but human sexuality can be equally so.
DuMaurier
I think it’s okay for people to self-describe and self-identify as they wish (and incidentally, “heteroflexible” IS a label), I just don’t think every term deserves a letter on that acronym train. There are too many already.
onthemark
@Cam: “To YOU that is straight, to most of the rest of the world, that is a closet case on the DL cheating on a clueless woman.” (etc.)
You seem to be defending society’s dated “labels,” while objecting to anyone creating new labels for themselves for their own sexual practices and interests?
Cam
@onthemark: said….
“With this “problem,” I’m wondering what your “solution” is? Bring back severe enough societal homophobia to shame all those awful 90%+ hetero guys into never, ever experimenting with guys?”
___________________________________________________
But you have inadvertently backed up my point. That these new words are really just ways to hide the truth so people who are self hating, or internally homo or biphobic can act on those desires and still claim to be straight because they are afraid to claim anything else.
People’s fear is irrelevant. The LGBT community has fought for decades to not be erased and negated, and the very purpose of these labeled is to negate reality and allow gay or bisexual people to still claim heterosexuality.
Date women but f**k guys? Oh, that’s ok, you’re straight, you just have a penis fetish, or you’re hetero but flexible.
No you aren’t. And being cowardly, or homophobic and hiding behind a mantra of “Oh Gee, I hate Labels” is just a more modern spin on staying in the closet in my opinion.
Masc Pride
@Robothedestroyer: So true. I’d say he’s closer to heterosexual than anything else. People get so uncomfortable when they can’t figure out what box to put people in. Shailene Woodley says she has an African-American grandparent but no one considers her black or even mixed. I’ve noticed people (both hetero and gay) tend to use a sort of “sexual orientation one-drop rule” when it comes to male sexuality. Women can be as “heteroflexible” as they want without their heterosexuality thrown into question, but men are almost always condemned as automatically homosexual for similar behavior, which seems kind of indirectly homophobic IMO. I think this is the exact double standard James Franco is always trying to crush.
LaMorges Albert
How about one category. All men and women are sexual and seek fulfillment in many ways
onthemark
@Cam: Would you object to “bi-curious” for this situation?
The guy is paying a price either way. His gf isn’t freaked out about the label; she’s freaked out about the penises.
Brian
Women can be EXTREMELY homophobic in the sense of opposing any fraction of homosexual desire in their husbands or boyfriends. He might only be 10% interested in men but she will immediately perceive this as a threat.
It reflects a woman’s fear of overall male power, of his ability to turn away from a woman and instead direct his erotic attention to men.
If you’re a safe homosexual – ie a guy who is only attracted to men and who spends his nights segregated away safely in a gay bar, you don’t offend most women. However, if you’re a “dangerous homosexual” – ie a guy is is only partly attracted to men and who spends his time in the mainstream, you are offensive to women.
Arcamenel
heteromantic bisexual. He wants to be in relationship with women that involve sex and an emotional connection but can also have sex with men to a degree.
enlightenone
@animaux: “…James Franco…” = A career that’s his PASSION, millioms in salary, and get to fill-up males (on-screen [twisted ‘I Am Michael’ b.s.]and off)and still be “straight!”
“Isn’t this what the Gay Right’s Movement is about,” is often used to rationalize ego-driven actions and choices!
Only in “don’t judge me” America, the same American that “serves” a deity that JUDGES?
CJones01
Bear with me here: He thought he might like sushi. It looked very delicious. It looked like it was served well. Lots of people say it’s great. He tried it and didn’t like it. He can still think it looks yummy, but would he have it again? Probably not. He’s not a sushi aficionado.
He thought he might like dick. It looked very sexy. Looks great in porn or swinging around in real life. Lots of people love dick. He tried it ad didn’t like it. Maybe he’s still appreciates dicks in his porn, but will he go down on a guy again? Probably not. He’s not gay.
I think you can appreciate the aesthetic of certain attributes (even the sexual aesthetic) of either gender and still identify as straight or gay without having to justify your appreciation. I think you can experiment and still consider yourself straight or gay.
enlightenone
@Bauhaus: 100!
enlightenone
@Cam: You intellect is so sexy!
enlightenone
@Tattyfatty: “Why is it that the people who claim to hate labels are usually the first to make up new ones?”
Touche!
jayj150
“Heteroflexible”: another code word for coward, closeted bisexual.
enlightenone
@GayMafiaKingpin: Wrote a lot…
Geo DePuppeh
Heteroflexible = bisexual
Joseph Pasquino
Who is the idiot that comes up with this crap
Marky
@enlightenone: He claims your masculinity defines your sexuality, so if he is masculine, he is straight by default even if he sleeps both with men and women. What an douche; I just looked that up.
Marky
*a douche 🙂
enlightenone
@onthemark: “…90%+ hetero guys into never, ever experimenting with guys?”
Not sure where you get “90%+,” but putting that aside for now; if they KNOW they are heterosexual an “experiment” isn’t needed, right?
enlightenone
@Robothedestroyer: “I’ve always considered sexuality, despite its name, to honestly be about romance not biology.”
Easy fix: Education!
enlightenone
@Masc Pride: “…I think this is the exact double standard James Franco is always trying to crush.”
“James Franco,” the authority on sexuality, that explains it! It’s ironic, the guy in this article reminds me of James Franco. LOL!
enlightenone
@CJones01: “…but will he go down on a guy again? Probably not.”
You know him?
jar
The amusing thing about this is that he’s too cowardly to be honest with her and then feels like he’s the put upon person in this scenario. She didn’t believe you because you weren’t telling the truth. She knows the drill- denial, some tepid semantic argument, but you’ll be out searching for another diq. Gee, if only it didn’t have to come attached to a man. He’s a self-aborbed mess and she’s smart enough to see it.
scotshot
The guy says the ole form does nothing for him, just the Penis. I’d say for many that’s the defining physical characteristic of males the world over.
That said, if all he wants is “Penis” the solution is simple: Glory holes. He can have one or a hundred and won’t have to worry about attraction to men or whatever.
alphacentauri
I’m bisexual, and heteroflexible is nothing but just another term for being bisexual.
alphacentauri
@Captain Obvious: You sound pretty biphobic. I have met people who were biphobic and homophobic towards me when I was in relationships with women and I would come out to them as bisexual, so your argument is not true.
BigG
He’s bi and in denial. people who say they don’t like labels are just cowards and selfish
Brian
“Bisexual” is an awful word. I’m glad that it is being replaced by other words.
The reason it’s an awful word is because it suggests your desires are evenly split between men and women. Nothing could be further from the truth.
The case described in the article is of a man who is straight-identifying but who has a fetish for penis. It’s a fetish, not an orientation. Even if you were to use the word “bisexual” to describe him, it would be a complete distortion because you are using a word of orientation to define a fetish.
You cannot apply a word of orientation to a fetish.
Realitycheck
@alphacentauri: In my experience most so called BI are actually gay in denial, of course there are BI, but not as many as one would think just by talking to people.
The ridiculous part is when asked if they had a girlfriend the BI will inevitably say no, and when asked when was the last time they had one, it was either, never (lol) or in high school,
but the best is when I ask if they ever had sex with a woman, inevitably most said NO.
As far as real BI, no thanks, most BI need both sexes to be satisfied, and frankly as a woman said in a TV interview, I quote: “I don’t want an husband that liked dick”, guess what, as a gay man I feel the same, it is just me, it is a personal thing, no judgement, but it would bother the crap out of me if my BF liked vagina.
onthemark
It’s a mistake to criticize this generation for one of the things they do very well: coming up with endlessly creative labels to describe sexuality in a successful attempt to liberate their sexuality. Even if, at the same time they are doing it, they are apparently cowed by their elders into thinking that “labeling” is bad thing!
How is the labeling here a threat to us already-labeled LGBT people? How is self-labeling a bad thing, anyway? I don’t get it (and I’m over 50). Apparently we can have only a finite number of labels? So we must shovel any leftovers – against their will – into B?
The negative reaction here seems to amount to “EEK! Let’s shame them with homophobia into never experimenting. Let’s shame them into thinking they’re ‘bisexual’ when they’re not.”
The girlfriend in this case has that same sh*tty attitude already, so how is that a good thing?
@enlightenone: Um, yes. They know they are essentially heterosexual but, yes yes yes, they want to “experiment” with guys. What’s so bad about that? Unless someone is a right-wing Christian living under a rock, I don’t get why they would find this notion shocking.
As several posters have pointed out, Kinsey nearly 70 years ago knew already about the “experimenting.” It’s just more talked about today.
MCHG
@Brian: “The case described in the article is of a man who is straight-identifying but who has a fetish for penis. It’s a fetish, not an orientation. Even if you were to use the word “bisexual” to describe him, it would be a complete distortion because you are using a word of orientation to define a fetish.
You cannot apply a word of orientation to a fetish.”
I’m surprised at how many people here completely missed the point. Calling this guy bisexual because he has an attraction to dicks is like calling a foot fetishist a feetosexual.
@onthemark: “How is the labeling here a threat to us already-labeled LGBT people? How is self-labeling a bad thing, anyway? I don’t get it (and I’m over 50). Apparently we can have only a finite number of labels? So we must shovel any leftovers – against their will – into B?”
Some gay people are fully vested in gay/LGBT identity and think that any attempts to change wording or labels means a rejection of gay identity. Its like if you ran a company your entire life and someone came up to you and told you your company’s brand is utter garbage and established a new brand only with the same product and actually got more people to engage. Look at the record number of Millennials who have come out now that we made it okay for people to say they’re not fully straight without having to subscribe to a label.
http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonkblog/wp/2015/08/24/one-third-of-millennials-now-say-theyre-less-than-100-straight/
“The negative reaction here seems to amount to “EEK! Let’s shame them with homophobia into never experimenting. Let’s shame them into thinking they’re ‘bisexual’ when they’re not.””
The issue is that some of the most judgmental segments of the LGBT community do really think that if you’re not fully straight and don’t identify with one of their labels that you secretly hate yourself. They believe in binary sexual orientations despite the fact that as early as the 1970’s sexuality was found to be a spectrum by Kinsey and others.
scotshot
@MCHG: The Kinsey Report Sexual Behavior in the Human Male was first published in 1948.
CFBear27
If she is unhappy , why not find yourself a girl that wont feel insecure about your fantasies? Who cares what you think you are or what people think you are? As long as you are accepted for who you are regardless of ANYTHING then that is when you will know that you are truly loved. She doesn’t love you, she loved a version of someone she thought you were, that’s who she is love with . You are not that person so move on. Oh , and she just happened to bring up the subject with a very similar past experience? Something is not adding up with the story. And to all those gay men who are hell bent on trying to make everyone gay, labels are just another way to describe the situation since there isn’t an official scale, categories, unit of measurement in place , let people be whoever they say they are. Don’t bulldoze people to fit in your version of categories. Just fucken let people figure it out for themselves , you’ll survive :/.
DarkZephyr
I’m pretty much of a mindset where I just respect how a person self-identifies even if I don’t personally hold to their definitions or labels for sexuality, so if he wants to call himself “heteroflexible”, I don’t care. He isn’t hurting me or going around gay bashing that I’m aware of, so I have no reason to be upset by it. I don’t really think he can be accused of any sort of internal homophobia because he flat out admitted to his GF that he likes penis.
As for “heteroflexible”, while I don’t personally choose to use such terminology, I don’t think the word is completely useless, it gives me a more accurate idea of what he is into than plain “bisexual” would, which in my mind conjures the notion of someone who is attracted to the entire person, both male or female and not just a specific body part. I know of many men who are somewhat into the D but not attracted to the man that the D is attached to and instead are predominantly attracted to women. I would never enjoy playing around with such a guy because I like kissing and full body contact rather than being treated as though I am sticking myself through a glory hole, but I am definitely aware of these types and have been for years.
DarkZephyr
@Masc Pride: “As far as the girlfriend, she has her view of how a man should be (and that’s her right). Just because he’s explained it to her, doesn’t mean she has to agree or be okay with it.”
That’s true, Masc. She doesn’t HAVE to be a decent human being (I have my view of how a decent human being should be, after all). That being said, he has a right to his view of how a woman should be and if “judgmental ass” isn’t part of that view of how women should be, he is free to dump her butt and find a decent lady who matches his idea of what a real woman is, don’t you agree?
alphacentauri
@Realitycheck: Try actually meeting people who really are bisexual instead of closeted or in denial gay men who pretend to be bisexual but who really are not and never were bisexual.
Masc Pride
@enlightenone: True, James Franco doesn’t seem to take much seriously, but I think he’s totally challenging double standards where sexuality is concerned. Same with Zac Efron.
@DarkZephyr: I agree that they both have to both have to move on, but I don’t agree with how you’re stating it because you’re being rather hostile towards the woman here. If she doesn’t want to date a man that has physical attractions to men that he wishes to act on (no matter how moderate), it doesn’t make her an indecent human being because of it. You’re trying to make it seem like she’s being discriminatory or even bigoted. They’re simply not suited for each other as partners. He wants to find some magic way to get her to be okay with it all, and she’s not. Being honest doesn’t make us entitled to the reactions and outcomes we want.
therealzam
Wow people. I can’t believe how people have attacked this guy with the claim that he is in denial. I get it, many LGBT have gone through the ‘denial’ stage. Many LGBT have lived in the closet, fought hard for our civil rights, and dealt with real discrimination. Many of us have also ‘experimented’ with girls. For most the experimentation was influenced primarily by societal pressures to be straight. We’ve made a lot of progress and because of that, more-and-more men are less fearful of experimenting with those of the same or who are not completely cisgender. Bottom line, leave him be and take his question as it appears on the surface. Yes, he could be in denial, but we shouldn’t judge him and should take his statements at face value.
For some, including myself, that experimentation is was also motivated by general curiosity, and even genuine attraction to women. For one GF in particular, I genuinely loved her and enjoyed sex with her. I also felt horrible about not being honest with her about the fact that I genuinely identified as bisexual, but didn’t discuss it because I was young and worried about her getting outing me in anger later in my life. I was in my late teens at the time. Later, and not because of her, I decided I was more likely to be happy with a man. Since that decision, I’ve identified as gay and not pursued any interest in women, although I do find some attractive. I’ve even maintained such a good relationship with one, with whom I had the deepest connection in more ways than one, and actually gave her away at her wedding. I doubt I will ever have a intimate relations, much less date or settle down with a woman. If I do, I will I will be honest with my female partner. But, stranger things have happened in my life.
I rarely bring up this with people I know because I believe it leads to unnecessary issues. With family who range from accepting to very supportive, I worry this will lead them to them reading too much into it; thus I’ve never openly discussed it. With male friends, I don’t bring it up for fear they will think I’m still insecure about being gay; and even reject me. I also don’t deny it, and am not afraid to discuss more details with those I know well enough; I’m sure it’s caused some of the judgement this man must endure, but a real friend would accept me as I am and appreciate my honesty.
———-
Now that I’ve addressed the trolls and judgmental, I’d like to address the actual issue brought up by the man in question:
I applaud you in being courageous and sufficiently open minded to experiment with your curiosity about exploring some form of sex with another man. Had you not done so, this curiosity could have been a more substantial problem if you had your interest gotten the best of you and let you to the conclusion that you are gay later in life. I believe this experimentation was a healthy way for you to learn more about your sexuality. I also applaud your honesty in making this post, and even more so having the courage to eventually answer your GF’s question truthfully.
First, look at the situation from her point of view. Many men have denied their true sexuality due to societal pressures. The experience has traumatized many who are LGBT. If she does love you, she may also be genuinely concerned that you are in denial and hurting yourself This risk could also come back to hurt her and your future family if you are in denial and eventually come out (Although the effects of this should improve as LGBT acceptance improves). She may have also experienced these consequences earlier in life which has made her very sensitive to the situation. She may also be insecure about potentially experiencing the same sexual fluidity and not being 100% heterosexual.
As far as what to do. If she still seems to be worried, I think you should ask her some questions: Would you rather me have experimented later in life only to find out I was gay? Would you have preferred me to lie to you? I’d also suggest you focus less on the ins and outs of your sexual curiosity (no pun intended) and more about your actual feelings. If true, you should state that your interest was limited, and that the experience only occurred because of some unique circumstances. You should also confirm that your interest was not romantic. You can also bring up the fact that many watch a lot of pornography that may be arousing and attractive to watch, doesn’t depict things which you’d actually want to do. Finally, you can bring up your age and the tendency for young adults to have a lot of confusing thoughts and desires, especially relating to sex, which they initially don’t understand until they are experienced for better or for worse.
In the end, if she can’t accept you, It’s her loss. Since she’s been with two men who likely have had the courage to experiment enough with homosexuality to learn that he prefers women, she is far more likely to end up with someone who is truly in denial and when the curiosity is fulfilled, comes to the conclusion that he is indeed gay. Then again, she could end up with a man who is outright dishonest and more likely to cheat on her with an individual, no matter what gender.
__________
LGBT blogs have dedicated a lot of time discussing the concept of gender fluidity. Unfortunately, we seem to have a lot of issues accepting sexual fluidity. I understand why the trauma many of us have experienced relating to societal pressures and coming out. But, just because many had this experience, doesn’t mean that’s the case for everyone. In fact, many of the studies we cite which establish the basis of homosexuality also confirm the presence of ambiguity and fluidity relating to sexual attraction. It’s time we accepted those who don’t confirm to the binary of sexual attraction whether that be at some point in their lives or throughout their them.
Dakotahgeo
Simple. Drop the broad and find someone who can relate to you.
monroe40
Yes, I agree. There are certain things that can turn an individual on about either sex. The question is what turns you on or arouses you more. Do take note that it’s not always sex that will arouse someones interest. Personality can make someone look very attractive and make those things I talked about come alive and grand.
Hussain-TheCanadian
There are days i’m convinced there is no such thing as “Bisexuality” and there are days where it’s quite evident there is – It would make sense that there would be a fluid orientation as Bisexuality.
I wish we lived in a world where people didn’t have to hide their sexuality, it would make it easier to find my Prince!!
Ricochet
I got dumped by a girl once when I told her I was bi. I feel ya bro.
Ricochet
@alphacentauri: “heteroflexible” is the most fucking stupid term I’ve seen all day. I prefer to be called bisexual, thanks.
justanotherusername
I identify as bisexual (and also bi-amorous–meaning my interest in both sexes is not *mrely* sexual, as it is for many bisexuals, but also “romantic”). As a bisexual and biamorous man, I’m well aware of the FACT that most people, men and women, are icked out by us. Straight folk are icked out by us and gay folk are icked out by us, generally. Or they hold contempt for us. Or the totally misunderstand us. Or all of the above.
Let me tell you something. The term “heteroflexible” is not the horrible, ugly, stupid word so many people here think it is. It’s actually a much more accurate and honest self-description for many people than either “bi” or “straight” would be.
Many people are so far out on one end of the spectrum that they think anyone nearer to the middle of the spectrum are either lying to themselves or to others. This is plain ignorance. Lots of us really, really do like both. Others are way into one sex and entirely not interested in the other. Can’t we all learn to be a little more kind to one another about our human differences? Please?
justanotherusername
@Realitycheck: @Realitycheck:
” … no judgement, but it would bother the crap out of me if my BF liked vagina.”
Why?
Is it okay with you if your BF likes *other* men’s penises?
My BF (of twenty years) has no problem with the fact that I like both types of “equipment”. Perhaps this is because he knows how much I like what he’s got?
Do you imagine us bi types can only like one “flavor” about half as much if we go for either? I can tell you, I like both 100%.