Writer
“Having survived Reagan, both Bushes, drug addicted and abusive paramours, the scourge that is HIV/AIDS, unrelenting bullying and the need to beg folks to let me get married, it is time to start celebrating and telling my real age,” Carter writes in a new post published by The Good Men Project.
Carter says he really “doesn’t mind” getting older. Admitting his age to others, however, has been a little more challenging.
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“What is this thing about age that myself and all the gay men I know seem to have?” he wonders.
Perhaps we feel that our youth was ill spent. That our young days are sorely behind us with nothing to do now but wait for the gods to “come a calling” (thanks, Eartha). Maybe, many of us, myself included, have spent untold hours and years trying to get men to love us and be kind and thoughtful when what we should have been doing is recognizing our own greatness and pressing aggressively onward.
Whatever the reason, Carter says, he’s over it.
“As an aging gay men of color, it is assumed that my day in the sun is over,” he writes. “I have nothing of value to add to the world.”
Well, screw that!
Not having to seduce men and play all of the he loves me he loves me not games certainly frees up a great deal of time. Myself and so many of my friends have spent hours trying to put cases and clues together regarding what someone said or didn’t say. All of our highly ineffective detective work attempting to figure out what someone “really meant” and never quite hitting the mark and yet we had time to create and live our lives.
That being said, Carter writes, “I have not given up on love or its power.” And he’s not alone in this way of thinking either.
Earlier this year, HuffPost columnist David Toussaint penned a piece about how turning 50 was the best thing that ever happened to his dating and sex life. Just as he had “given up” on trying to compete with younger guys, men started noticing him.
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“t some point during the past few years, I became sexy, objectified, a prize. … ‘Daddy’ is now one of the most sought-after types of men in the gay ether. It’s a Thing,” Toussaint said.
Carter says these days he wears his age “like a battle scar.”
“I remind myself and others that there are many folks who began life’s journey with me who decided to check out for whatever the reason some time ago,” he writes.
And he’s on a mission. Carter has made it his responsibility to take on all those trolls who still think getting older is a crime.
“It is my duty,” he says, “to defeat ageism and the descent into ‘trollism’ that many folks believe is my lot and those of others who have moved beyond the age of thirty and still want to take up space.”
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Brian
Yeah, it always works out well when you try to defeat something that’s been around as long as humans have existed. Good luck with that, grandpa.
Heywood Jablowme
I wish I had a dollar for every pitiful lament like this I’ve read since the ’80s. I could retire to Key West.
1) So what is the “diabolical plan”? 🙂
2) There isn’t an Official Gay Organization someplace that’s run by “ageist haters.” If you’re referring to, say, a specific nightclub, maybe you should just stop trying to get into that place.
3) As usual with complaints like this, he seems to be conflating “ageism” with “young guys don’t want to have sex with me! – boo hoo hoo.” But nowadays that’s unlikely. There are plenty of millennials who want to have sex with “daddy” types. (However, if you’re looking for l-o-o-o-ove with a guy who’s 20 years younger than you, see a psychiatrist.)
4) When you have a lot of gay male, non-sexual friends your OWN age, you just don’t get bogged down in trivial pathetic nonsense like this.
Vince
David Toussaints point was how all these twenty somethings were into him as a hot muscled up daddy more then when he was their age as I recall. He even joined into the comments and was royally pissed by how many were rightfully calling him out.
The above commentator’s completely missed Carters points though. Analyzing Ageism isn’t the same as complaining about who wants to have sex with you. All he’s talking about is self worth into the mature years. Something we all think about.
Heywood Jablowme
“That being said, Carter writes, ‘I have not given up on love or its power.’”
Yes, I took that to be him complaining about a decline in sexual offers. In these laments, there is always a line like that. These laments are ALL the same and always have been the same since the ’80s, and probably long before that.
“All he’s talking about is self worth into the mature years.” Uh, okay, but for that he wouldn’t need a “diabolical plan.” He would just need to have good friends his own age, and stop his paranoid assumptions that younger gay guys are “ageist haters.”
So tell me, what other gay “ageism” do you see? In volunteer groups? – I doubt it. In political groups? – I doubt it. Commercially? – sure, sometimes, but there’s nothing uniquely “gay” about that. Give an example of this supposed gay ageism.
Vince
I think you’re reading into it more then is there. He’s just making some simple observations here. Like talking about being over the relationship games that go with youth but not still open to finding love.
His points of not looking at your best years behind you is a great point too. It’s a trap that too many of us make. You move forward like the examples you gave. Pretending or living you’re still a kid isn’t going to fly. You’ll see the world as very ageist if you don’t.
Vince
It’s good that it’s talked about because too many gay men have a peter pan complex.
Heywood Jablowme
@Vince: I suppose it’s nice that you’re attributing all sorts of anodyne platitudes to him that he has not, in fact, actually written. But I don’t disagree with you!
Kangol
I think Mr. Carter is making great points. Celebrate every day you can, because life is too short, and not easy for the vast majority of us, especially LGBTQ people, and even more so LGBTQ people of color. This becomes clearer the older you get, so congrats on reaching 44 years, and wishing him and everyone the best for the holidays and beyond.
Paco
You can’t control how others see you. Only how you see yourself.
My fortune cookie wisdom for the day.
JaredMacBride
Seems to me like this Carter fellow really enjoys being a victim. No sane person thinks 44 is “old.” Maybe in the 1600s, but not now.
cabe
I agree that 44 or 50 isn’t “old”. However, if I had a dime for every time I overheard some 20-something gay guy refer to a gay guy in his 40’s as “A tired old queen”, I’d be quite rich…
Donston
There are plenty of 30+ year old dudes who are also into 30+ year old dudes. If your attractions end at the mid twenties then that’s your cross to bear, unfortunately.
kornula
its not a cross to bear, its biology
SiamSam
“Having survived Reagan, both Bushes” *eyeroll*
Notright
If you are over 30 please join our facebook group gay over 30 and proud! https://www.facebook.com/groups/647590392088342/
stranger2myself
Every time I hear about ageism in gay community I have this weird feeling it’s all about older guys wanting to sleep with young ones. Like it’s their right and they will fight for it. I just find it pathetic. It’s like the most pathetic call for attention. You had your time as guys in twenties and thirties. You had your time then to do it. Just don’t be a pathetic old guy that does everything to keep it. Just date guys in own age, on own level of experience, with same interests. Don’t behave like daddy if you don’t have kids. Be proud of your age and history and don’t force anyone to deal with your personal cringe.
fingertrouble
As a younger – but not young, I’m 44 also – partner in an intergenerational relationship, that’s rather blind. Love and attraction can come at any age, size, race, gender, etc…sure if you exclusively date ‘chicken’ – are an ephebophile into ‘barely legal’ teens and are a lot older, I personally think you’re gonna struggle and probably won’t be happy or have to hand money over or find it hard to form an equal relationship given the maturity disparity, it can be a rather disturbing power play.
But there are always exceptions – younger guys who are mature and older guys who are childish and silly, age is more than a number…always liked older guys, and that’s slightly shifting as I get older, some of the now-younger guys are interesting…but never liked the Greek classical ‘young’ look so anyone under 30 is unlikely for me unless they look a LOT older.
I think the problem is that sort of exclusivity I see on profiles, where you have 50-60+ year old bear/chubby daddy types who say 18-23 slim HWP ‘porn model’ types ONLY but are also looking for a relationship – but then say ‘I’m not a sugar daddy’!
A bit like straight older men and much younger trophy wives and models, it’s sad and most likely won’t lead to anything except an emptier bank balance. There are exceptions, but I always wonder if when the guy reaches mid-20’s do they then get traded in for a younger model? That’s the inference, and it all leads to something that smells of abuse of power. BUT not all intergen relationships are like that, been with my partner 20 years, I met him at 23 and we didn’t live together for most of that. I paid my way, and valued my independence. I think that’s the difference – are you a person or just an attachment, a kept man?
Knight
Uh….did we miss this “diabolical plan” or did Graham show yet again that writing and titles are just not his “thing” in life?
While I don’t respect the “whaaah! pay attention to MEEE!!!” tone of this article, I will say that ageism doesn’t apply if you have your life together. One of my good buds is 53, NEVER had a single thing done to himself surgically, but is in excellent shape (could easily be an underwear model) and just looks like a very handsome “older” man. On the rare occasions I’ve been out with him at a gay club, I see guys my age 9and younger) pretty much throwing themselves at him. Hot guys my age are a dime a dozen, but hot guys HIS age are a total commodity.