As a Reddit user recently observed, gay guys often feel pressured to present as masculine while in the closet, but once they’re out, they let their authentic selves shine through and present more femininely. But this Redditor experienced the exact opposite.
“I’ve become more masculine, even more so than when I was in the closet,” he wrote in his post. “Has this happened to anyone else on this [subreddit], where they feel like their ‘feminine’ side was actually less authentic than their masculine one?”
Related: 25 tweets that perfectly define fem top culture
Commenters responded with a range of experiences. One said that he started acting more feminine after he came out — to try to fit in with his friends and to telegraph his homosexuality to other guys. “Now that I’m older and wiser and don’t give a f*ck what other people think, I’ve realized I can just be me, and if somebody wants to say I’m just ‘acting straight,’ then that’s their emotional burden to deal with, not mine,” he added.
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The original poster could relate: “100% same,” he replied. “I see this a lot now where it appears as though a large percentage of newly outed gay men act the exact same. The same mannerisms, the same phrases, and ideologies. It does make me wonder how many of them are ‘acting’ to feel like they belong. Which is weird considering that the LGBT+ community is supposed to be anti-gatekeeping.”
Related: Gay guys sound off on pressure to act masculine
And other Redditors shared their histories of gender expression: “My story is kind of inverted,” wrote one. “I acted more feminine before I came out because I was so focused on masculinity vs. femininity. Once I came out, I stopped caring and my masculinity came out, too. I was so self-conscious that it actually made me seem more ‘gay.’ Now I just am myself and have surprised myself with how masculine I am when I don’t hold myself to those kinds of expectations.”
And another report: “I felt like I had to be more masc after I came out because I was losing so much respect/so many ‘friends’ right after. I was already masculine but definitely felt that I needed to stick to that playbook. It wasn’t until a few years later that I realized I could do what made me happy that I started to explore my gender identity and expression and allow myself to be more feminine. Interesting to hear it from the other side!”
Long story short, it seems like gender expression can be just as fluid as sexuality!
Chrisk
Yawn. Here’s an idea. How about just be yourself.
Roy Ajax
Everything is overanalyzed to death these days. And Queerty, please stop going through Reddit threads to find your stories.
Vellala
Agree!
WashDrySpin
Dan obviously thinks this is titillating…it just encourage self hate and gay men have enough coming from outside sources…DO BETTER DAN!!
Res1
It’s weird how people post Reddit which is a forum then it becomes a forum within a forum. Do these people not know that Reddit is going to become this one big online discussion board? Pretty soon, Queerty will have a page on Reddit and this website will be obsolete.
Donston
I think for a lot of people (especially many “queers”) masculinity or femininity are costumes. They’re not truly connected to either, and neither comes naturally. While how you express yourself is sometimes more driven by who you want to fit in with and who you want attention from. But mannerisms and gender expressions can have fluidity to them.
I’m just over the obsession with being “masc” or “fem”. It’s as exhausting as the obsession with who’s supposedly “gay” or “bi” or “straight”. Everyone expresses themselves differently. Everyone has different instincts. Everyone is motivated by different shit. And the gender, mannerism, sexual, affection, romantic, emotional investment, relationship commitment spectrum is vast and varied.
The conversation everyone needs to have with themselves is how much fear, sociology, identity politics and/or insecurities affects how you present yourself. Another thing that needs to be asked is why does this site depend so damn much on Reddit?
WashDrySpin
NAILED IT
Everyone expresses themselves differently. Everyone has different instincts. Everyone is motivated by different shit. And the gender, mannerism, sexual, affection, romantic, emotional investment, relationship commitment spectrum is vast and varied.
Kangol2
I actually thought this article was going to be about the handsome guy pictured above. Instead, it’s another one of these Reddit posts. Come on, Queerty, it’s 2021. Flip the script a bit, please?
Heywood Jablowme
Self-reporting doesn’t work in this case since you can’t accurately gauge your OWN masc/fem traits. You’d need an objective observer for that. Even an objective observer, or several of them, may not accurately gauge what society considers “masc” or “fem” at any particular time.
Donston
That’s one of the big problems with the masc/fem convo. Everyone has different ideas about what masculinity and femininity are. While there are many dudes who claim to be “masc” or “straight passing” but are rather overtly “queer”. Just because you got buffer and you’re no longer tweezing your eyebrows don’t mean everybody thinks you’re “straight”.
What is “feminine” and “masculine”, what type of benefits and downsides come with both, what drives both, masculine envy, masculine pressures- it’s an interesting conversation. But like almost everything else, people’s own sense of self and their own egos tend to get in the way of delving into the nuances of that conversation.
skeldare
Pics or it didn’t happen
tjack47
I agree. I say I’m gay, because I am. I am a mixture of masculine and feminine. I have a deep voice, but my movement or mannerisms might be characterized. The only difference is I don’t care what others think. Oh, I did at one time. I cared way too much what others thought. In my case, it’s come with both age and life experience.
Mr-DJ
And why is there some ‘assumption’ that Gay guys have some ‘hidden side’ and that it is ‘feminine’ anyway? I am Gay because I like guys. Period. Femininity/masculinity has nothing to do with it. That is a separate facet of anyone’s personality. Gay or straight.
@dusyk
Just freakin be yourself!
barryaksarben
I was never in the closet but as I got a little older I became more masculine as when young i liked the obviously gay guys and admired their honesty so I think I emulated them some until I grew up some. Life is and evolution so just go with it
Chris
“…but once they’re out, they let their authentic selves shine through and present more femininely…” So the automatic assumption is that fem-leaning behavior is the default for gay men once they’re out of the closet? Why it assumed and where is it written if you’re gay you have to act fem?? The stereotypes of ourselves are getting worse than the stereotypes the straight community places on us. Why should anyone give a f#çk about how anyone behaves. I certainly don’t give a DAMN how some 3rd-rate “writer” thinks I should act. I’ve always acted “masculine” and will not apologize for it; especially to some $h!tty writer for a blog whose content is going downhill at the speed of light.
SeanF
While there is some bio causes of “masc” and “fem”, 98% of it culture i.e. bullshit. These dumb John Wayne ideas that boys wear coonskin caps and girls wear bonnets, along with all the behaviors associated with it are not intrinsic. So if you find yourself often debating how fem you are, you are debating over marketing and external constructs. 🙂
Tranceboi1
I think a good idea instead of debating someone who is happy the way they present themselves is less Trump pictures on the comments. I guess you haven’t heard that he lost the election and yes Biden is the official and only President Of the USA. Sick of looking at his ugly orange face. In 17 more days even the media is taking him off their news, unless they are stupid FOX. Less Trump and more healing of this planet. Four years of this evil anti gay mongrel is enough.
ShiningSex
This is one of the stupidest stories published on here. A lot of “straight acting” (a common and stupid phrase) is ridiculous. Be yourself. Nothing wrong with being effeminate. When people use the term “straight acting” that’s an insult. Why would anyone who is bi or gay want to be mistaken as “straight”. If so, then they’re self loathing.
Terrycloth
I think of the lyrics to ” i am what i am ”
I am what i am,
And what i am
Needs no excuses…..
I bang my own drum.
Sometimes the Ace
Sometimes the deuces….
winemaker
For many of us we subconsciously worry what people think and say about us, often to the point of becoming neurotic. As we get older we slowly realize these worries have been fruitless and in vain. I recently read something that’s really timeless: ‘worrying what other people say about you or think about you is their problem and a waste of valuable time’. You can’t control other peoples thoughts so don’t waste valuable time trying to figure it out!