One gay guy on Reddit is wondering if his righteous anger turned into righteous a-holeness after his friends criticized him for rejecting his former bullies’ apologies.
“These people tormented me throughout high school solely because I’m gay,” he explains. “They made my life a living hell. I ended up in the hospital TWICE (one being a suicide attempt) because of them.”
But recently, three of those bullies apologized. “They ‘claim’ they’re no longer homophobic and they ‘claim’ to be incredibly sorry for the treatment they put me through,” the Redditor writes. “They ‘claim’ that they didn’t understand me or what I was going through, but now they do and they ‘claim’ that they were absolutely disgusted with how they treated me all those years.”
Related: School superintendent laughs in the face of a man he tormented in middle school
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Not mincing his words, the guy told each of them to “f*ck off” and “take their apology and shove it up their ass.”
“Yet when I explained that to my friends, apparently I’m being an assh*le?” he adds. “They said that I didn’t have to forgive them, but I ‘didn’t have to be an assh*le about it.’”
He begs to differ. “I don’t owe them my forgiveness,” he observes. “After what these people did to me, why do I owe them an apology? Why do I owe them even basic human decency? I almost f*cking died directly because of them, and now I should be kind to them? And suddenly I’m the assh*le if I refuse to? How does that work?”
Many of the commenters on the Reddit post are on the guy’s side. “I wouldn’t say you’re being an assh*le,” one writes. “You’re right, you don’t have to accept their apology at all.”
“Stop worrying about what your friend or anyone else thinks about the situation,” says another. “Their feelings don’t matter because they weren’t the ones hurt. If you want to forgive do it for you, not because people or society made you feel bad for not giving your bullies the peace of mind they stole from you.”
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But not everyone is on the same page. “I agree with your friends,” a dissenting commenter says. “You do not need to forgive them, but you should’ve taken the high road in just telling them that what they did was wrong and you cannot forgive them for the pain they put you through.”
Other commenters, however, dismiss the high-road approach. “Here is what to all the high moralists: F*ck off,” one says. “You don’t owe it to anyone but yourself. If their apology made you feel better and if you would feel relieved forgiving then you do it. If you want them to f*ck off your life, then you tell them, like you did.”
Thoughts? Similar experiences? Let us know what you did or would have done in the comments below.
Heywood Jablowme
I was bullied a lot as a teenager, and I think if one of the bullies ever apologized to me (and it sounded sincere) I would definitely have accepted the apology. Barring a weird, ongoing situation – he’s suddenly a co-worker? or something like that where you have to interact longer-term – it’s just a momentary incident.
There’s a lot of research confirming the theory that adolescent homophobia is, to some extent, self-hating homophobia.
There’s also something suspicious, though, about this Reddit story. THREE bullies apologized? Separately? All together? Why would THREE of them apologize within a short period? And they all seem to use the same lingo. As with so many Reddit stories, it sounds made up.
Brian
I was thinking the same thing, it’s certainly odd that 3 of then would come out of the woodwork at the same time. Who knows, maybe there was a class reunion and someone called them out on it or something?
I have a feeling that the people saying he doesn’t need to accept their apology are the same people demanding apologies from people like Kevin Hart and Ellen DeGeneres. We live in a weird time.
This guy should accept their apology simply because it’s clear that he still has a lot of anger all these years later. Maybe that will help him let it go. They can’t change the past, this is the best he can hope for from them.
Cato
Nobody owes their abuser forgiveness or even courtesy. They made his life a living hell for years — they can live with the guilt.
Brian
Except they are going to say “well, i tried” and forget about it in a week. And this guy is going to stay pissed off and victimized forever. How is that better?
sanfranca1
Hate is an extremely negative emotion, and it sucks the life out of you, weighs you down.
Not saying I never hated – I have. But, eventually, letting it go will set you free.
1898
much easier said than done. sometimes the damage inflicted by the abuser is so severe that it lasts forever. that’s not the fault of the abused person, and their inability to forgive the abuser is not a character flaw; it’s a symptom of the damage inflicted by the abuser
startenout
But you don’t have to forgive people to let them go. He doesn’t need to forgive them to feel better; he needs to just love himself and I bet telling them directly where they can go f*ck helped! LOL
Goforit
I am not your f…..g Priest. Go find your absolution somewhere else.
Cam
His feelings are his own, he doesn’t owe them anything. They apologized, he decides what he wants to do with it.
That said, the story doesn’t sound quite right.
julian361363
of course he is NOT wrong. how is that even a question?
just me
Without knowing the particulars of this case, in general, when we forgive someone, we really do it for ourselves. It is as if we tell ourselves, OK, this is behind me, I can move on with my life and not carry this burden forever. i don’t have to forget it, but I don’t have to let it determine my life. Once you forgive someone, they no longer have any power over you.
PinkoOfTheGange
He should of just turned an walked away, he didn’t need the “f-off” button. It just feeds his inner demons.
But he dosn’t owe them anything either.
He does owe himself some therapy tho.
Man About Town
I think this guy needs to get new friends.
djm
All those ‘they claim’ comments are weird. What would be the end game if it weren’t real? You could accept the apology but make it clear you want nothing more to do with them. Or, say you’ve heard them and walk away.
@Brian: Agreed on the letting go. Hanging onto that anger is more hurtful to you than it is to them.
Side Note: Anyone else finding it difficult to post due to some weird Captcha error?
Heywood Jablowme
I guess it’s possible the bullying victim is suspicious of a “catfishing” situation where the bully just pretends to be apologetic. Then if you accept the apology, he says “just kidding!”.
But like I said earlier, there are reasons to be suspicious of the whole Reddit story.
Heywood Jablowme
…& yeah I keep getting the Captcha error too, every time.
MrMichaelJ
I was called a f@ g for the 1st time in Catholic school in 2nd grade back in the late 70’s. I didn’t even really knew what it was but I knew it wasn’t good. The name calling went right up through graduation. It’s bullying that causes life long mental issues so I get where the guy is coming from. Hate to admit it but I heard a few years ago one of the tormentors had died, and died as a fat, bald man back in the hometown he never left. Was I happy? Yes. Did it help? No.
Anyone who hasn’t been personally through that doesn’t have a clue to the ripples it creates throughout your life and has no right to judge the actions of a man who has been through it.
pioneer
Would these people be saying he was the asshole if his former bullies tried to kill him with a knife then apologized years later. I think not.