Just a number

Guys “of a certain age” talk agism and why men only get better with time

2013 survey found that 63% of gay men over the age 60 were living alone with no partner, which means there are a lot of single older daddies out there. But in a youth-obsessed culture, finding love, or even just sex, isn’t always easy.

We recently published an article about a 55-year-old man on Reddit who was frustrated with the guys, or lack thereof, he was meeting on Grindr:

I am an older gay male. I just don’t seem to fit in on Grindr. I usually on talk to guys who message me. I love to have sex and I prefer to meet guys who love sex as well. Is there an app for older gay male where guys are more like me?

We asked you, our readers, what your thoughts were on the matter. Let’s check out what some of you had to say about it:

“I just hit 45,” one reader said. “I got rid of Grindr years ago because it was too full of men under 30, bitchy queens and really awful treatment of men with HIV.”

Related: Can you be “too old” for Grindr?

“Don’t dwell on the rejections,” another reader added. “Keep going for what you want, and you may just get it. The only alternative is to give up. And I’m sorry, but I like sex too much for that!”

“Grindr and Jack’d are for the kids,” a third guy wrote. “You get all the problems you’ll find with the under 30 crowd.”

Of course, not everyone in the “under 30” crowd is an agist troll.

“I’m 29 and I think men get better with age,” one guy commented.

“There are lots of older guys that are so hot, they make lots of 20/30 somethings look like chopped livah,” another added.

Then there was this interesting perspective:

“I’m 55 and my tastes have matured right along with my years. It’s not like I’m hot-to-trot for 70-year-olds, but I no longer find twenty-somethings attractive in the slightest.”

Facebook commenters also had a lot to say.

Some people shared their own stories about being discriminated by other guys because of their age.

Related: PHOTOS: Ten exceedingly hot men demonstrate the art of aging gracefully

“I mistakenly put up a Grinder profile (I was 57 at the time) not knowing that it was geared for twenty somethings,” one person said. “I either got ripped a new one by young bitches or just the sound of crickets.”

Another person added, “At my age I get treated like I’m anathema. It feels like most guys my age move away so I can’t blame the younglings for not wanting interaction. I just cut my losses and gave up the ghost.”

“I’m in my 40s and ALREADY a Grindr pariah,” a third person commented. “Been told to get off the app several times!”

Others refused to let the bastards get them down.

“I personally never went for younger guys,” someone wrote. “Even now that I’m 56 I still am not interested. I just always thought older guys were hotter and less inhibited… and hairier.”

“I say that as long as a guy takes care of himself and looks good, who cares how old he is,” another person added.

“We come with knowledge and experiences that no 25 year old will have,” a third guy commented. “We usually are more financially mature and have settled down in a home and life we are comfortable with. WE are the catch not the younger one.”

Related: PHOTOS: Guys Over 50 Are Super Sexy And Here’s The Proof

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27 Comments

  • BiL

    I’m 58 and have no issues with Grindr. I post my picture. The guys that are interested in me will contact me. Young and old alike.

    • NateOcean

      Pretty much the same as BiL. I usually let them make the first move.

      Occasionally I’ll start a conversation mentioning a place they’ve lived, a city in their photo, a field they’ve expressed interest in, a writer they’re a fan of.

      If it leads to something, fine. If not, at least it’s been an interesting chat.

    • Danny595

      How sad that a 58-year old has no marriage, no stable relationship, no family of his own, and is searching for sex with complete strangers. Probably a continuation of a lifelong pattern.

    • RomanHans

      Danny595, maybe his partner died? Which makes you stupid AND an a–hole.

    • Nancy Kaposi

      How sad that Danny595 is scolding an old queer for not having a marriage or a family. How sad that D595 is clutching his pearls at the thought of an old queer searching for sex with strangers. How sad D595 seems peering through the bars of a monogamous marriage with 2.5 kids and how sad that he views OQ as a threat to Family Values. Maybe another way to look at OQ is that he is enjoying the fruits of liberation: no family, no marriage, and no strings attached sex.

      Just a thought: it’s okay to embody the death drive. We’re all going to die and we’ll all be equal then.

    • OzJosh

      Danny595, aka ObviousTroll, marriage wasn’t an option for a 58yo gay guy for 98% of his life, and I’ll just bet you were opposed to marriage equality too. You’re not fooling anyone.

  • NateOcean

    Quick, somebody register: oldr.com

  • skyeyes

    Yeah I have no interest in being in a partnership with someone under 30. Casual sex or whatever? Sure … but so few people have their shit together by 30 (or some even 40) I’m simply not interested in “building a life” with that.

  • JaredMacBride

    The internet may be a “youth-obsessed” culture, but the real world is very different. Lots of younger guys prefer older guys and for good reason – the sex with us is much better.

    • Shimata

      “the sex with us is much better.”

      It sure as hell is, daddy. Older men are the salt of the earth, and I love salty treats.

  • baggins435

    I’m 56. I deleted both of the apps I had on my phone. I only had two types of interest from guys. It was either kids looking for “daddies”, or guys almost old enough to be my dad. I’m attracted to guys around my age and slightly younger, no one young enough I could be his father. I want conversation on topics other than pop culture. Twinks are fine to look at, but who wants all of that drama. It’s just that any time I tried to contact guys my age they only wanted the kids. I’ve heard it’s much better in Europe for older guys, but this country is too youth obsessed.

    • RomanHans

      I used three apps, and on each of them said I wanted men 50+. Instead at least every day I’d get a note from a younger man saying he liked older men.

      I got tired of replying: Good for you. I do too.

      I met three guys in three months. One became a f— buddy, and one a good friend. Still, I decided it wasted too much time. Went to a bar frequented by older men — the NY Eagle — and met my current partner.

      I live in Berlin now because even though I had a lot of friends in NY they were mostly straight and half my age. Berlin is packed with older gay men — older, sexy, tattooed, HOT gay men. Older gay culture is an existing thing, just not in America.

  • o.codone

    The thing about older guys is that they’re nice. I’m not sure how that happens but guys seem to get more contented, nicer, empathic, you know, friendlier as they get older. A lot of the edginess is gone. Mellow might be a good word. Maybe it’s because they’re closer to death. IDK. Just sayin’. If it’s the right guy, I’d fu*ck him, no matter what age. Viagra I guess. It don’t matter. Dick. Loud and clear, give me dick. Old, young in between. Give me more dick please. No, more than that.

    • amigay

      Telling a guy he’s pretty nice because he’s closer to death is NOT the way to start a conversation.

  • Chris

    Goodness. We’re either dismissed or fetishized! Either way, it’s ageism. ….. Some days, I’m glad I go to a bar, talk to live humans, camp it up with singalong, and just enjoy my life.

  • QJ201

    it’s all marketing. I don’t know how these guys with the rude demanding self centered profiles ever hook up. And those with just lousy pics.

    Self promote… nicely… with good pics… you’ll get a date or at least hookup.

  • IWantAFullBeard

    OMG – First time a comment of mine was included in an article! Yay!!

    But on a serious note – homosexuality is what you make of it. I live in DC which certainly has some of the most pretentious queens in the country. And I can either live trying to compete with that and feeling bad about myself when I don’t have washboard abs, or I can embrace the vast number of men who find me attractive as I am. My favorite thing about being gay is realizing how many people find you attractive just as you are.

  • WindsorOntario

    The thing is though…gay men in particular only make up what – 2 to 4% of the population? How much further can we segment off the community from itself? If we have an for group 1 and and app for group 2 and this for group 3, pretty soon you have all these different apps with only a dozen people using it. The problem with most gay men is their expectations are even more unrealistic than straight people who have over 95% more choices than we do. Lose the attitude, if someone’s not your type then big deal – move on. Don’t be a dick to other guys. Simple math and the small percentage of men who are gay will mean most of us will not have kids nor will we find a lifelong relationship either. Doesn’t matter how old you are or where you live. That’s just how it is. Can’t pass a marriage amendment that says gay men must be forced to be interested in each other and couple up just because both are gay. We all want what we can’t have; older men often want a younger guy and lots of younger guys in big gay friendly cities want money and a free room.

    As society gets nastier – and gay men are the experts at treating each other like shit – neither option looks feasible for either.

    • Bradsman

      Well said!

    • salumbre

      “The thing is though…gay men in particular only make up what – 2 to 4% of the population?”

      Thank you for giving me the laugh of the day.

    • DCguy

      2%-4%? What right wing publications are you reading??

  • He BGB

    Just because you’re married doesn’t mean you’re happy.

  • Sotzume

    I just turned 65 and I’m having the time of my life with both younger and older men. I am married, have been for almost 48 years, in an open relationship. Yes, I sometimes get nasty comments from younger men but normally, I wait for them to contact me, so it doesn’t happen all that much. I’ve embraced being a “Daddy”…or maybe even a “Grandpa” if necessary. Why not…I am not 20 and have no desire to be. I keep myself in reasonably good fit shape for my age but I’m no Adonis. I think finding a relationship is difficult under any circumstances so I can see that I might be very frustrated if I were wanting something more. As long as we’re two consenting adults…and both enjoying ourselves, I’m quite happy.

  • OzJosh

    Younger gays who are bitchy and dismissive of older guys are creating an ageist culture that it going to bite them in the butt in just a few short years. As you sow…

  • jorgecruz

    Look at most of the ads that older guys have on these apps- they are always asking for guys that are 5-10-20 years younger. They don’t even list the top range of the guys they are looking for equal to their own age. How do they complain about ageism when they keep looking for younger guys?

    • ChrisK

      Dude you lose any argument with “most”. Stop generalizing to make a point.

  • Bulovaboy

    When are we going to get an App Completely Designated to those with HIV? We have a few websites but there all dead. Everyone goes on the Grindr or Scruff or Bro and the majority of the people are young, queens and total Arrogant SOB’s. I hate when they blow me off for being HIV+. But the minute they get infected they hit me up. Totally not cool. We need a Phone App like Grindr or Scruff for those who are HIV or HIV friendly. I know there are a couple out there but they are so not active. It is what it is. Unfortunately the whole world has to be HIV+ in order to get some respect and sex or the Disease has got to finally be put to rest. They are no working hard or fast enough. Age because a problem regardless of illness’s but when illness are incorporated, It becomes a deadly potion that just keeps boiling and boiling. I can’t wait for these Millennial’s to get old and experience the hate they gave to others along the way. Stop the Hate. Peace!!!!

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