As the Friends theme song goes, so no one told you life was gonna be this way? Unfortunately for those of us on the homo side of the Kinsey scale, there’s no user manual for being gay, and our many of our life lessons are hard-earned.
Users in Reddit’s r/askgaybros community recently listed the aspects of gay life no one told them and they didn’t expect. And fair warning: Some of their revelations are hard to read, particularly the comments from those who feel isolated and alienated and even ostracized by fellow gays.
Here are some of the responses, touched up for brevity and clarity:
“That it could happen to me!”
“It’s kind of dumb, but when I was a teenager, I thought when you came out, it was a one-and-done type deal. Pretty quickly, I realized that you come out a bunch of different times to different people throughout your life. I guess I just didn’t realize it until I came out myself.”
“How your life really starts to diverge from your heterosexual counterparts as you get older.”
“That emotional availability is not the common trend for gays.”
“All the holiday locations that were suddenly off limits. Some were obvious, but I didn’t know that most of the Caribbean was hostile, for example.”
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“Being gay doesn’t mean we won’t be assholes to each other.”
“That fact we no longer are held to expectations like getting married and having kids.”
“How lonely being gay actually is.”
“Growing up in the closet, I just had no basis to imagine there was such a thing as ‘a top’ or ‘a bottom.’ I had no idea that the concept of ‘versatile’ existed because I thought that’s literally what ‘gay’ meant—the freedom to enjoy both, the freedom to give and receive pleasure from both. The whole point, so to speak. At least in my mind. Anyway, after coming out and banging my head against the stubborn, bewildering wall of reality that other men are gay for totally different reasons, with totally different desires and totally different definitions, of course I accept it intellectually. To each his own, and may everyone only do what they want, even if it’s not what I want. I get that. But emotionally, I am right back where I started, and I absolutely don’t relate to men who prefer roles, and I completely wasn’t expecting that to even exist before I came out.”
“How harsh and judgmental some gays are towards each other. I find myself not having much in common with many fellow gays due to drama and cattiness.”
“The isolation in having to deal with heartbreak, sadness, and those terrible emotions when becoming sexually/romantically active. To this day, I don’t have a solid group of guy friends I can talk to, so I have learned to swim through the emotions on my own. I have friends and family, but it’s still a bit hard for them to understand why dating is hard for someone like me.”
“Just how hard everything is. Even though I’m out, it’s just not the same as if I were straight. Everything is so much harder, especially relationships. Family, work, relationships, friends, friendships—everything is that much harder…”
“How isolating it can be if you’re not into the arts/culture/theatre scene. If you’re into sports/cars/outdoors, good luck finding a group of friends where you really fit in.”
“That I would work my ass off and get into the most elite university in the universe for my chosen field and then be harassed and/or ignored so I wouldn’t ‘contaminate the discipline by going on in a career.’”
“How emotionally immature a lot of gays are and how alienated the ‘community’ is.”
“I honestly thought at one point that gay people and straights were destined to be ‘enemies’ once they found out. Then I discovered karaoke in 2011. There I saw openly gay people and straight people hanging out together, knocking glasses, and rubbing shoulders, and if anyone dares say anything or charge at them, the straights would be the first to rise in their defense. That was totally foreign to me, but thanks to them, I gained the courage to more be myself and enjoy life, instead of caging myself in order to please the world around me. Even gave me courage to start opening up to people.”
“That nothing about my life will change.”
“Okay, sorry in advance for being completely honest and a bit of a downer, but it’s feeling different and alone a lot of the time. I don’t live in a very progressive area of the U.S., and there aren’t a ton of openly gay people around. The ones that are around only want sex, period. Casual sex is not my thing, but I have some extra weight that I’m losing, so I’m not getting hit on often anyway. I have no problem being one of the guys, but I’m obviously gay and don’t share a lot of interests with the guys around me. I stuck out like a sore thumb at my last job. I was good at what I did, but I didn’t fit company ‘culture’ because I didn’t think casual racism/sexism/homophobia were funny. … I have a small group of friends that are amazing, but I can’t talk to them about a lot of stuff that I have to deal with—most of my friends are women or have been in a relationship for extended periods of time and have a great family background in a liberal area. I have no regrets about being gay, but I wasn’t expecting how alone I’d feel most of the time. It can be really frustrating.”
“How uninviting the gay ‘community’ really is. How much gossip and bullshit drama is literally just part of it. No, thanks.”
“Finding a gay-friendly doctor is fairly difficult, especially when you factor in insurance and appointment availability.”
“You make a lot of friends through hookups. You get an extra one or two decades of youth, since your youth was compromised with being in the closet, family pressure, bullies, awful religious experiences, etc. The glow-up is amazing. Karmic justice.”
“It’s hard to have a long-term relationship. Most of the gays only want sex or the perfect guy. Also, I didn’t know that it was super common and (also necessary) to ask if the guy is top or bottom.”
Related: Are there apps for making gay friendship and not dating or sex? Reddit says…
“1. Coming out is not going to solve all problems of your life. You can be happy while being in the closet with your family. 2. Money and muscles will make many things marvelously easy but don’t give any guarantee of getting a merry love life. 3. No matter how angry you are, you should start feeling better once you cross into your 30s. 30s are not the end of life. 4. Be savvy with your money; start saving and investing from younger age, because unlike your straight brother, you are not gonna have two incomes after your mid-20s. 5. Yes, you can have a happy life. 6. Life is beautiful.”
“Just how expensive it is to be gay.”
“That in any job interview I’d ever do where I was interviewed by a woman, I’d get the job. It’s always the same. They see I’m a dude, and they tense up and get all serious. Then, when they hear my gay twang, they ease up, and it’s chill the rest of the time. #GayPrivilege. Opposite for a dude, though. I’ve only gotten one job where I was interviewed by a guy, lol. And it’s probably because he was gay.”
“That sex and hookups come easy, but genuine relationships and intimacy are hard to get.”
“How much you need to consider your fiber intake.”
Jbaltes
This is one of the better articles that has appeared on this site in a very long time. It provides some outstanding insights and, while not all comments may be true for everyone, many will certainly strike a familiar chord. If nothing else, it may help those who are still struggling to realize that they are not alone and that many others have felt similarly.
Ronbo
In my small town back in the ’70s, I thought that either you were flamboyant or straight. No one explained that, like icebergs, there is a lot more going on under the surface. My mom hired the only visible ‘gay’ in town (actually trans male) and I learned sooooo much.
I never had to come out as the uncle that my mother raised was gay. Luckily, my mother KNEW and treated me as such. Even with that kind of support, it was painful. I can’t imagine how difficult it was for kids of non-supportive parents.
Cam
And yet you regularly come onto threads here and attack victims of bigotry, defend anti-LGBTQ Republicans.
Ronbo
Cam. Please provide one example, of me being “right-wing “ and defending Republicans.
If you can’t understand or converse about ‘inconvenient truths’ without becoming hateful, then you are a troll.
You’ve lied about me and a LOT of people here who are trying to bridge gaps. Yes there are d*icks who post hate – and you amplify the hate unnecessarily.
We win by being civil, determined, and HONEST.
Kangol2
Actually, @Ronbo, we win by fighting back, and sometimes that means we have to be uncivil. I don’t know about you but I have taken part in more than enough protests, both civil and uncivil, on AIDS, anti-LGBTQ bigotry, the US’s unnecessary wars, police violence, global warming, predatory developers and lenders, Occupy, etc. to see that sometimes, “civility” is not enough and provides a cover for oppressors. I don’t advocate violence, but calling out hateful, homophobic, racist, misogynistic, etc. speech behavior needs to happen and it can’t always be couched in pretty words.
Bosch
“We win by being civil, determined, and HONEST.”
WTF Ronbo? You are being neither civil nor honest with me in the Rogan debate. Hypocrite.
Ronbo
Sorry my young friends, In the ’80’s we moved from full blown bigotry to the AIDS crisis to the whitehouse …and we changed the world without hate and making enemies. In fact, we found that by drawing people INTO our fold, we grew stronger and louder and more powerful.
The most powerful image that CHANGED President Obama was the visibility of Dan Choi chained to his Whitehous fence – showing the bigotry of DADT denying LGBT individuals their FIRST AMENDMENT right to say, “I am Gay”.
You may recall, that was against the law under DADT! Our freedom of speech was censured.
Cam
@Ronbo
Except you’re a liar. The thing that changed the White House’s mind to push LGBTQ rights at that time was because Nancy Pelosi’s office was hit with sit ins from Queer activists and the loss of the House in the midterms as people stayed home. Dan Choi was out there doing P.R. but his group is the one that inspired the sit ins.
Pelosi then informed the White House that the bill to end DADT was coming whether they liked it or not and they needed to get on board.
But cute attempt to rewrite history.
Ronbo
Again Cam, you demand that your opinion is the only one. Heil Cam!
There are multiple truths Cam. Check your massive ego at the door. I was speaking to how Choi addressed the PRESIDENT’s support of DADT saying “God is in the mix”. Which, implies that “God hates f*gs”. Otherwise Dan Choi would NOT have been on TV day after day after day demanding that we see how DADT censured LGBT individuals.
Let me introduce you to the idea of ‘mutually exclusive’ and ‘not mutually exclusive’. For example, I can believe we need to listen to others without believing EVERYTHING that they say. But I can learn something by listening – if not something their message, but perhaps also, what triggers their beliefs.
Understand and compassion is a TWO-WAY street.
gregg2010
Finally Queerty has an article with some substance to it. I enjoyed reading these thoughts. My big, hysterical realization was that I thought that before I came out, no one knew I was gay . . . but let me tell you, it was a surprise to no one!
majorstudio
I thought gay life would be like a cross between a Berkeley coffee house and New York cafe society. It turned out to be a cross between high-school and my mother’s friend Fritzi Patrolini.
Doug
Thank you for posting this article, Queerty. I thought I was the only one of very few gay men who felt the way some of these people do.
Jon in Canada
See Queerty, you are capable of producing articles with substance. Do it again.
JJinAus
Biggest aggravation for me is coming out constantly. Airlines, hotels,insurance, resorts (just a week ago when we were asked what our respective room numbers were. I said “same room, same bed”), social occasions, ad infinitum.
On the plus side, 20+years ago, I had a lot of fun.
JanDivine
I knew I was gay when I was three years old. By five I understood the social ramifications. But I thought all gay men were drag queens. I was scared to death because I thought that I would eventually have to start wearing women’s clothing etc. I knew that wasn’t me, total fear of how I was going to handle life.
barryaksarben
WOW, so much negativity and so many of you applauding it. I am 65 yr old gay man whose dear friends go back to before AIDS and every decade since. I have been married twice legally and one very long term boyfriend and so many friends men and women. Do you all think sraight people have extremely close friends outside their partner? Society has caused our community to self harm and self hate for decades and if you are not happy I suggest a gay therapist. It helped me see that life is what you make it and if you accept being treated badly it is your fault. Now the fiber comment is right on. Yes, gay men can be standoffish but that happens to straight people too
Kangol2
Thank you for your comment! Sometimes I disagree with you but you are right on point here! Also, Obamacare mandates psychological services be part of your health care plan, doesn’t it?
dario717
Yes, for all of this. Especially the loneliness when you don’t happen to live in a metropolitan area.
sceunazhel
Thank you for posting this. Even though I’m only 22 and live in a (kinda) liberal city (Warsaw, Poland), I can relate to this. It’s a large city, but still I often feel lonely.
inoroutdoor
Seems author is on the younger side as no mention of the AIDS epidemic. It was horrifying in the beginning. Very little was known. Gays dying across the country. HIV+ was like a death sentence. Lost so many good people. Every hookup was a gamble with your health. Even today there are many countries that gays don’t have any rights. Some where they can be killed for being gay. Feel likely you live in a country where, although things are far from perfect, you have gay establishments, gay dating apps, pride events and can marry a same sex partner. About coming out. At first I wasn’t sure if that meant telling people or acting on your gay emotions. Even today, I don’t feel I have to come out to everybody I ever me. The gay community is like any other. There’s good and bad aspects. My experience has generally been good. It was always comforting to be around others like me. I had many good conversations as well as hookups. Several of my friends for decades were hookups originally. Others from the scene but not a hookup. Finally life is what you make of it. Do you think straights have it any easier with relationships or socializing?
Cam
To the people mentioning all of the negative aspects. Nothing is unique to the LGBTQ community. Half of the TV shows on are about how men and women don’t get along, hate each other, get divorced kill their spouses etc.
So while some may feel that way, I don’t think it is anything to chalk up to the community. Sometimes it’s just people.
That said, the community can also be incredibly supportive, during the AIDS crisis lesbians came out of the blue to help out with many of the charities providing comfort to the dying, trans people celebrated alongside when marriage rights were established, and gays, lesbians, and bisexuals’ pressured HRC to include trans people in the Employment non discrimination act.
So for every bitchy comment at a bar or relationship that didn’t go well, don’t forget the other part.
Ronbo
Good for you! I was hoping you could go the non-hate route. Compassion and understanding are a two-way street that leads to a better place.
nunya
“How harsh and judgmental some gays are towards each other. I find myself not having much in common with many fellow gays due to drama and cattiness.”
THIS!
Why do we gays feel cattiness and cutting remarks are virtues. One only has to read Queerty comments or any other sites frequented by gays.
basils_Herald
Talking about how I have experienced and internalized homophobia with a queer therapist has helped me get the support I need from my framily, let go of relationships that were abusive and overall lead a happier life on my terms. There is a lot of suffering in the queer community and the best place to start alleviating that suffering is with your own queer self.