It is estimated that four out of five gay men will meet their partners online through apps and dating websites. The rest of us, I suppose, will have to settle for incognito browsing of Amazon’s Sexual Wellness: Health and Household section.
I am 31 years old, reasonably attractive, and fun to be around. I make a decent living, contribute to charity, and remember to wear my retainers (almost) every night. I currently have active profiles on Grindr, Scruff, Chappy, OKCupid, and Tinder. In the past I have tried my luck on Hornet, match.com, Manhunt, Adam4Adam, and even AOL personals back in the mid-2000s. I currently have 1600 “matches” on Tinder, though I haven’t had a date (with dinner) in months.
I fear I am doing something very wrong.
For all of my time investment with gay dating apps, the love of my life has yet to materialize. I wonder if I am the exception to the rule, or if there are more lonely souls like myself–utterly overwhelmed by the options of handsome, eligible bachelors, all within a 10-mile radius of Manhattan.
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Related: Don’t even think about downloading this straights only dating app
I have lived in New York City for almost eight years now. In that time, I feel I’ve truly connected with only three guys. One was a dancer I made out with at a friend’s party. One was a fine artist I made eyes with on the subway and then discovered lived on my block. The other was a classical musician I met on OKCupid. All lovely guys, but for all the success stories about dating apps, the numbers don’t hold. How can I have connected with so many fellas across the interwebs and, yet, only really liked one of them?
When I feel like I have exhausted my options on one app, I usually download the latest and greatest. The trouble is, more and more often I am seeing the same guys I matched with years before on different apps. This can be awkward, like when you greet someone with “Hi handsome, would love to get to know you better” only to have them respond with “You made me take you to the Times Square Olive Garden the day before Hurricane Sandy.”
Yikes. Yikes, indeed.
I have been mulling over deleting my OKcupid account and just starting fresh with a new email address. I am a different person than I was then, too. I have more weight, more credit card debt, and a little less hair. I also know myself better, have traveled the world, made friends from all walks of life, and got a lot better in bed. There should be a way to note this to all the guys who previously “swiped right.” I need a do-over with these guys.
Related: OMFG: Gay guys share their dating app horror stories
I worry that I was also too picky when I first got my account in 2007. I had a weird hangup about height before. I am five foot eight, and I have a total Napoleon Complex where I act like I’m 6 feet tall. So, I thought I needed a guy who was at least five foot ten. I have since discovered that this thinking is getting me nowhere. And hey, we’re all the same height when we’re lying down, am I right? Anybody? Right then…
I also arbitrarily mandated that I had to date someone who (a) has terrific diction (b) has Harry Potter hair, and (c) attended a Top 25 undergrad? Barf. What was I thinking? Knowing myself better now, I would probably have a better shot with a shy bald guy who lives with his parents to save money.
If you haven’t caught on yet, I am getting a little desperate here. I’m running out of dating app options, and it’s looking to be a pretty cold winter. And yes, this column is a bit of a thinly-veiled personal ad in and of itself. So, what do you say? I love Welsh Corgis and I have all of my own original teeth.
See you on Tinder!
Brent Lomas is a communication professional with particular interest in education, housing policy, and the arts. He previously contributed to real estate news site Buzz Buzz Home and managed social media accounts for Broadway shows including Kinky Boots and A Gentleman’s Guide to Love & Murder.
Brent has hosted regular cabarets and fundraisers at Bar Thalia at Symphony Space as his alter-ego Ruby Powers since 2014.
Frank
Most of the these are NOT dating apps they are HOOK UP for sex apps…there is a difference…also any app can be abused for hooking up and not for meeting people.
pigforddaniel
its not about the APPS, its about the mindset of the user,some people go online to find true love ,while some are just sex-hungry. so you will find exactly what you want o the internet.
incase you need a good hacker,contact FIRMHACKER@ GMAIL .com ,he can hack mails,social media accouts, websites,criminal records,credit score etc.
Frank
So the question is ARE YOU MEETING AND HOOKING UP? if so then you are part of the problem for yourself. Yes, it happens but it can also wait. When I met my husband we waited for 5 weeks it just happened that way and we found NO reason to rush it with talk of it because it is a natural thing but it is unnatural to devise a way to achieve it . While, there is no timeline there is the “law of diminishing returns”….which is used to refer to a point at which the level of profits or benefits gained is less than the amount of money or energy invested.
Frank
Sadly men are visual people and gay men are EXTREMELY visual they stare and they ponder and they assess but they RARELY make a move. They hoard pictures and chat…let me just say STOP that crap if someone can chat with you for two hours via messages but has the most outrageous schedule when you ask them to meet is a BS artist. Now you can shovel that if you want but wear gloves and protective shoes.
Frank
Also if you have a laundry list of things that are truly superficial and vapid (eye color, height, weight, if they chew with their mouth open, they don’t musicals or not masculine enough…oh the list goes on and on) then yes you are a own worst enemy…gay men like to think that their job to find the PERFECT man and showcase him to friends and family that will make them feel accomplished. That is utter and total CRAZINESS and will lead to loneliness and bitterness
Frank
If you live in NY or any LARGE city with activities and events…ditch the apps (delete all of them and get some FRESH AIR) and allow yourself to be a FRESH commodity and desired…you have effectively saturated the market and no one ones to newly invest in a stock that is widely held and that has been diversified and ultimately devalued. When you delete the apps and allow yourself to be YOURSELF in the 3D world, saying hello, laughing and interacting with people the 2D work of clicks, pics and dicks will seem utterly pointless.
Frank
By the way, I met my husband of 16 years in the grocery store, we chatted and smiled…did not exchange numbers but discovered upon leaving that our cars were parked next to one another and took it as a good omen.
I am 48 years live in Seattle and we have been committed to one another ever since….got married in 2012 and continue to laugh and play with another…we went to an art museum yesterday evening and saw Andrew Wyeth’s work then had a lovely sushi dinner. Yeah, we keep things real and passionate and we raise our voices with love and care but also we know that we are in this together.
Heywood Jablowme
“You made me take you to the Times Square Olive Garden…”
Maybe that’s your problem right there.
I can’t disagree with any of Frank’s six posts. As a former NYC resident I’ll suggest checking out the several hundred or thousand groups that meet at the Gay Community Center. Or maybe these things called “bars,” you may have heard of them?
JaredMacBride
Was that supposed to be humorous, or merely self-important?
PinkoOfTheGange
the former but…
PinkoOfTheGange
So how does a six foot man act any different then a five eight male?
Oh sure he can reach the top shelf at the Zabar’s, but he won’t be comfortable in a Mooney Executive or any super car built in the 20th century.
Daniel-Reader
Instead of focusing on what you want from the other person, focus on what you have to offer someone else – and make it meaningful. For example, if you enjoy going out to socialize, to dance, to visit new places, or if you like spending time with that special someone and refuse to ever answer your phone while out on a date, or if you are close to your family and friends and like attending events with your special someone. Let others know your strengths and why they should go out with you to give it a chance. Then look for others who are doing the same thing (i.e. focused on what they have to offer as a romantic connection, rather than listing what they want in the other person). Focusing on what you have to offer shows self-esteem and self-respect and even confidence to a degree.
Birdbrain1963
I have reached the end of looking for someone. If they find me, well fine, but I don’t care anymore whether or not I have some guy! I haven’t had sex with another man in years. (my choice) I had to reboot myself from the hookup shit and did. I have a dog that is advancing in years and requires my attention just a bit more. I am at the age that I don’t attract the younger ones, and now that I am 54, that is 35 and up’s. I uninstalled all of the dating apps and removed all of my online dating profiles except the ones I have forgotten! I have grown my hair long, have a groomed beard, much more weight than I care to have. (working on the weight thing for healthier me). I really wanted someone to notice me, but I removed all the possible ways for anyone to contact me, other than my usual social accounts that also are used for business. I was the guy that some of the not so straight one nighters used to contact, but no more. Put a stop to those also. I want love not sex. See me for me and not a piece of ass…