Hasturd Pledges To Roll Heads

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As things in Washington heat up, Speaker Dennis “Hasturd” Hastert has pledged to fire anyone on his staff who may have helped cover-up the Foley sex scandal. In what The New York Times calls a “stern warning,” old Turd-ball said:

But if there is a problem, if there was a cover up, then we should find that out through the investigation process. They’ll be under oath and we’ll find out. If they did cover something up, then they should not continue to have their jobs. But I didn’t think anybody at any time in my office did anything wrong.”

That doesn’t sound too stern to us.

Although, how serious can he be, especially when he’s been implicated in the alleged cover-up himself? While he insists he didn’t find out about Foley’s risque emails until 2005, openly gay political assistant Kirk Fordham claims he told Hasturd back in 2003. If the House Ethics Committee holds Fordham’s story as the truth, does that mean the Speaker will fire himself? We doubt it: he’s vowed to keep the House Speaker chair in his clammy, bulbous grip.