The course of true love gathers no moss, but the rocky road of a break-up sure does gather some shade. It’s hard enough finding a relationship in this big gay world of ours, let alone maintaining one. When you add the pressures of fame, well it’s a wonder how gay celebrity couples stay together anymore. But of course, they don’t. For every Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka there are 25 Jonathan Groffs and Zachary Quintos. Or Cheyenne Jacksons and Monte Lapkas. Or Marc Jacobses and Harry Louises. Or…well, we could go on but we’d be here all damn day. By taking a note from these and other failed relationships, we’ve compiled a how-to guide to surviving the end of a high profile gay relationship. Even if that profile is only visible to your friends on Facebook.
Check out Queerty’s guide to spinning gold at the end of a fairy’s tale, Hollywood style.
Change The Narrative
If binge-watching Scandal has taught us anything it’s A.) Kerry Washington needs a national monument dedicated to her cheekbones, and B.) you gotta change the narrative, that is, make your side of the story the only side that matters. Take Nick Gruber for instance. That stunt queen‘s been dating Calvin Klein on and off since at least one of them was in diapers, but with the help of some dubiously talented PR people, he’s rebranding himself as a raging heterosexual who just happened to fall into the lap of luxury and continued to gyrate there until he wore out the inseams or his welcome. Either way, that narrative is a horse of a different color — notably black and white and read to filth.
Sharing Is Caring
Social media exists for a reason and if that reason isn’t to make your life seem better than it actually is then we don’t know what to believe in anymore. So when your relationship crumbles, turn to the people who matter most in your life: the strangers who follow you on the Facebooks and/or Twitters. Model/porn star/troublemaker Harry Louis posted this photo to his Instagram announcing his break-up with Marc Jacobs, after apparently riddling it with bullet holes in a drunken, gun-swinging tirade.
Hey, Make Me Over
Nothing helps heals the wounds of a freshly severed heart string like a good, ole-fashioned makeover. It worked for Felicity, if you ignore that whole show immediately getting cancelled thing. It also worked for Cheyenne Jackson, if you ignore that whole “whoops, I’m not a skinhead” thing.
Is That Ointment, ‘Cause You’re Really Rubbing It In
Bragging about how great you’re doing post-split really drives home the fact that you’re sooooo much better off without another person hogging the spotlight. After his break-up with Jonathan Groff, Zach Quinto gushed about how perfect his life was — what with being in New York, on Broadway, in a Tennessee Williams play, not giving a damn about whatever HBO show someone may or may not be simultaneously filming across the country.
If things progressed so far as marriage, then the divorce is bound to get ugly because no one hates you more than the person who promised to love you for the rest of your life. Jane Lynch learned the hard way that before you say I do, you say “Show me the pre-nup.” Meanwhile, her former better half Dr. Lara Embry already knew the most important lesson in life: “I’m not signing anything without my lawyer present and I will laugh in your face and tear this garbage up before I even consider it.”
Think Of The Children. For The Love Of God, WONT SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN!
Kids complicate everything and when you place them in the middle of a break-up…, well, let’s just say that’s years and thousands of dollars in therapist fodder. Event planner David Tutera and his ex-husband Ryan Jurica decided to raise their twins separately following their divorce, apparently ignorant to what happens to the child of a broken gay home:
Move On And Get Over It
There are plenty of fish in the sea, whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, stronger than yesterday because nothing’s nothing but a mile away and all that jazz. At the end of every break up is the opportunity to rebound with the first piece of tail that catches your eye. Cheyenne Jackson, having followed a few of our previous rules, rubbed his new boyfriend, Justin Landau, in everyone’s (particularly his ex-husband’s) face with this Instagram photo using the filter “YOU MAD?”