toxic masculinity

Help: My boyfriend mocks me for doing “gay stuff”

A man looks troubled
Posed by model (Photo: Shutterstock)

A post this week on the ‘AskGayBros’ subreddit has prompted hundreds of responses. The poster (@zerod3x) titled his dilemma, ‘My boyfriend mocks me for doing “gay” stuff’

He then went on to offer details. He’s been with his guy for around a year: “Every time I pick up a blow dryer I’m getting bad looks from my bf. He also got mad when he found out I’m using a conditioner. Last night I was putting on moisturizer on my arms and he got up from bed, told me that it stinks and left the room. In the morning he told me that it didn’t smell bad, he just couldn’t handle me putting on a moisturizer. I mean.. how do you handle this?”

Many of those to respond pointed out that the boyfriend was dealing with a lot of internalized homophobia, and his behavior was a major red flag.

“How long have you been together?” asked one. “Unless the person did a 180 character-wise, I’m legit always confused as to how people get to the relationship stage without spotting behavior like this.”

This led to a debate about why people might overlook red flags, trying to “fix” a partner’s behavior, and how much work needs to go into making a relationship work before you decide to walk away.

“I think it’s fixable, but he needs to want to fix it,” cautioned another. “This is seriously ingrained internalized homophobia.

“There are really just two options the way I see it,” they continued. “He can recognize that his behavior is hurting you and try to change his behavior … Maybe some reading material on toxic masculinity and internalized homophobia could help him. OR, he doesn’t think that you have a right to express your masculinity your own way without being judgmental and refuses to adjust. Then you break up.”

Related: My new boyfriend wants me to cancel the gay cruise I booked when I was single… but I don’t want to

Others were shocked at what the boyfriend considered “gay”.

“This is the first time I’ve ever heard of someone describe washing their hair as gay,” said one, while another pondered: “He sounds like the kind of man who doesn’t wash his arse because he thinks that’s too gay.”

“This isn’t even gay. It’s basic hygiene,” was a sentiment shared by many.

Ultimately, all the commentators agreed the boyfriend had a problem.

Queerty reached out to the man who posted about the dilemma. He said he was glad he’s turned to the community for advice.

“I’m really glad that I posted my problem because the responses really opened my eyes. When the issues started to show, my mindset was to try to make it work. I always say that every issue can be solved.

“Any issue that comes can be solved and I don’t stress myself. Sadly, this didn’t sit well with my boyfriend’s issues. I just told myself that with enough effort from my side he can change his behavior a bit. That his issues come from misunderstandings and they can be fixed by me explaining to him my behavior.

“This quickly became the most exhausting relationship I’ve ever had. I’ve never spent that much time explaining and talking about issues with anyone in my life. It was like I was legit giving him psychology sessions.

“Anyway, now I know that it’s not my job to make everyone understand my behavior and fix their life issues at any cost. That’s not a relationship, that’s me playing a life coach and I should keep that in mind.”

Related: You might not think you harbor any internalized homophobia, but you do, and here’s why

He posted a follow-up message on Reddit, thanking people for their support and offering more information on what had been going down between him and his boyfriend over the last 12 months.

“He also told me that he doesn’t want me to go out with my gay friends. He doesn’t mind if I’m going out with a straight guy but he has a problem if it’s a gay guy. He pretty much says that gays are basically whores and can’t be trusted. What baffles me the most is that he loves watching Drag Race with me.”

The poster now says he’s gone to stay with a friend for a few days but will return home next Tuesday, “and that’s probably the day I will tell him this can’t go on anymore. I can’t live like this and he should find someone else that will be a better fit for him.”

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