A post this week on the ‘AskGayBros’ subreddit has prompted hundreds of responses. The poster (@zerod3x) titled his dilemma, ‘My boyfriend mocks me for doing “gay” stuff’
He then went on to offer details. He’s been with his guy for around a year: “Every time I pick up a blow dryer I’m getting bad looks from my bf. He also got mad when he found out I’m using a conditioner. Last night I was putting on moisturizer on my arms and he got up from bed, told me that it stinks and left the room. In the morning he told me that it didn’t smell bad, he just couldn’t handle me putting on a moisturizer. I mean.. how do you handle this?”
Many of those to respond pointed out that the boyfriend was dealing with a lot of internalized homophobia, and his behavior was a major red flag.
“How long have you been together?” asked one. “Unless the person did a 180 character-wise, I’m legit always confused as to how people get to the relationship stage without spotting behavior like this.”
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This led to a debate about why people might overlook red flags, trying to “fix” a partner’s behavior, and how much work needs to go into making a relationship work before you decide to walk away.
“I think it’s fixable, but he needs to want to fix it,” cautioned another. “This is seriously ingrained internalized homophobia.
“There are really just two options the way I see it,” they continued. “He can recognize that his behavior is hurting you and try to change his behavior … Maybe some reading material on toxic masculinity and internalized homophobia could help him. OR, he doesn’t think that you have a right to express your masculinity your own way without being judgmental and refuses to adjust. Then you break up.”
Related: My new boyfriend wants me to cancel the gay cruise I booked when I was single… but I don’t want to
Others were shocked at what the boyfriend considered “gay”.
“This is the first time I’ve ever heard of someone describe washing their hair as gay,” said one, while another pondered: “He sounds like the kind of man who doesn’t wash his arse because he thinks that’s too gay.”
“This isn’t even gay. It’s basic hygiene,” was a sentiment shared by many.
Ultimately, all the commentators agreed the boyfriend had a problem.
Queerty reached out to the man who posted about the dilemma. He said he was glad he’s turned to the community for advice.
“I’m really glad that I posted my problem because the responses really opened my eyes. When the issues started to show, my mindset was to try to make it work. I always say that every issue can be solved.
“Any issue that comes can be solved and I don’t stress myself. Sadly, this didn’t sit well with my boyfriend’s issues. I just told myself that with enough effort from my side he can change his behavior a bit. That his issues come from misunderstandings and they can be fixed by me explaining to him my behavior.
“This quickly became the most exhausting relationship I’ve ever had. I’ve never spent that much time explaining and talking about issues with anyone in my life. It was like I was legit giving him psychology sessions.
“Anyway, now I know that it’s not my job to make everyone understand my behavior and fix their life issues at any cost. That’s not a relationship, that’s me playing a life coach and I should keep that in mind.”
Related: You might not think you harbor any internalized homophobia, but you do, and here’s why
He posted a follow-up message on Reddit, thanking people for their support and offering more information on what had been going down between him and his boyfriend over the last 12 months.
“He also told me that he doesn’t want me to go out with my gay friends. He doesn’t mind if I’m going out with a straight guy but he has a problem if it’s a gay guy. He pretty much says that gays are basically whores and can’t be trusted. What baffles me the most is that he loves watching Drag Race with me.”
The poster now says he’s gone to stay with a friend for a few days but will return home next Tuesday, “and that’s probably the day I will tell him this can’t go on anymore. I can’t live like this and he should find someone else that will be a better fit for him.”
PubicHairus
In my humble (and absolutely infallible) opinion, anyone who doesn’t moisturize is a waking red flag. YOU AIN’T GETTING ANY YOUNGER! Gotta keep that skin hydrated unless you wanna look like a ball sack and feel like a crusty reptile when you’re geriatric!
John
I’m 40 and have never moisturized. My skin is naturally hydrated, I guess.
PubicHairus
See ya in 10 years, lizard!
shanek
“In my humble (and absolutely infallible) opinion” “See ya in 10 years, lizard”
I’m stealing both of these.
Fname Optional Lname
Genetics plays a big part. I’m 50 something and it’s never been an issue
Varika
You worship sun, don’t you? Those of us who are dark-dwellers and vampires who hate the evil fiery ball of doom with icy passion tend to stay dewy and fresh MUCH longer.
Also, some of us don’t trust most skincare products after getting open sores because the ingredients list didn’t disclose the presence of soy in plain enough language. I STRICTLY use cocoa and shea butters, and pretty much only on my hands.
But I’d also bet you John up there used Zest or Dove or some kind of shower gel that moisturizers without him realizing . Or maybe he’s one if those alien lizard humanoids and has no actual need to moisturize ~
Jim
Gay stuff????
fimij91404
Lucy . you think George `s storry is impossible, on sunday I got a brand new Saab 99 Turbo after having made $8551 this past four weeks and just over ten-k last month . it’s by-far the most comfortable job I have ever had . I started this five months/ago and almost straight away began to bring home over $75… per-hour..
Copy Here????? >>> boosterstart.com
bachy
It’s the downside of “opposites attract.” The letter writer may have been attracted to “the dominant type,” only to discover that machismo often comes with a side of disdain for “gay stuff.” And the dominant macho guy may have been attracted to his boyfriend’s smooth skin and glossy hair, only to discover he’d moved in with a beauty product princess. There may be a lot of sexual tension, but these are not two guys with a helluva lot in common.
Varika
“I use a hair dryer, conditioner, and lotion” is not, generally speaking, a “product princess,” it’s more of an “I know the basics of hygiene” thing. I mean, I know we only have it from one perspective, but generally when dealing with a product princess, “ur so gay” isn’t the line of attack one uses. Especially when said product princess is one’s actually gay lover.
Bengali
Mostly opposites attract is a bullshit phrase that just isn’t true. While some do benefit from it, most of us don’t want to be with a person who’s our polar opposite.
storm45701
Hair dryer? Conditioner? Moisturizer? Common product for both gay and straight males. Wait until he hears about fingernail clippers and cologne…
IvanPH
Hair dryer is the secret to staying fresh and smelling clean. You should be hair drying your entire body and not just the hair in your head. Pits and crotch most especially. Don’t forget to use baby powder on that crotch too
Bengali
If the story is actually true it is highly likely that the guy’s boyfriend is using these excuses to cheat on his boyfriend regularly. The person who wrote the letter should kick his boyfriend out immediately. Why do so many people remain in toxic relationships?
little Alex
If he’s so anti “gay stuff”, then stop having sex with him. Explain that in your opinion, there’s nothing gayer than two guys having sex.
butchqueen
AMEN!
bakeembakeem
I grew up in hoods of Philly street life, however, educated and professional, from the sleazy club to orchestra seats watching “Phantom of Opera”, my all-time favorite, I am sharing this, because being street, I seemingly attract the same, and upscale dudes as well, and when they pull that, gay stuff, on me they immediately get shut down and dismissed, then about a month later, or even longer, they now showing their expensive purchase of a high-end facial scrub, and moisturizer, I politely look and just smile
Kev
Good to exceptional hygiene is never “too gay” IMO and should be appreciated and encouraged. Now, if you start wearing makeup, nail polish, going overboard with eyebrow shaping etc., you can’t be too surprised if another gay guy is no longer interested since most of those things are most commonly habits of female styling routines. Some are quick to shout “internalized homophobia”, but sometimes there are legit conflicts of interest that have little to do with “self-hate”.