TALKING DICK

Here Is A Film About A Penis That Becomes A Man

bad johnsonWell, here’s a movie that looks kind of awful, but it’s about a man who used to be a penis, so let’s discuss.

The premise: a sleazy serial womanizer wakes up one day to discover his penis has left his body and taken the form of a man. The hero is left without a penis (and, we presume, balls, but the trailer is vague on details), and now also has an enthusiastic man-who-used-to-be-a-penis to take care of. The star is Cam Gigandet, who you might know from prom if you went to Auburn High School. (Okay, you might know him from Burlesque, if you’re one of the tens of people who saw it.)

Then the two of them tell a bunch of jokes, go on some raunchy adventures, chase women some more, and ultimately say some sweet things about the importance of life. There is also what looks like some mild transphobia when one character reacts with disgust to a man without a dick. Do you think our hero will eventually become a better man, fall in love, and learn a valuable lesson about life?

Well, the trailer does not give away the ending of the film, so let’s assume that none of that actually happens. Come on, how predictable would that be? No, let’s imagine how the film could really surprise audiences:

Let’s say that eventually the penisless man learns to be a better bottom, and gives up on women. His former penis becomes increasingly dominant and assertive. One day the hero wakes up to discover that he has become a penis himself, now attached to the man that used to be his own penis. The two of them are stuck like this forever, or at least until the penis can trick the man’s two best friends into bed, at which point they turn into testicles. The final shot of the film is of a giant cock head filling the screen, with a little mouth on the end of it whispering, “helllllp meeeee.”

And that, we are guessing, is the plot of the movie Bad Johnson. Well, it’s either that or something with straight people, but who wants to see that? Gross.