A Dad in Toronto is having difficultly navigating the family politics surrounding his son’s open marriage, so he’s turning to advice columnist Dear Ellie for help.
“Our adult son’s in a long-standing gay and open marriage, with a young son,” Dad writes. “They have a third mutual partner who doesn’t live with them but spends a lot of time with them.”
He continues, “He’s very good with their child and we find him very likable. His own family isn’t supportive of his choices.”
So Dad’s cool with the thruple. Mom is too. But there’s one member of the family who isn’t.
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“Our daughter’s husband is uncomfortable with this person and the arrangement,” he explains.
Evidently, the brother-in-law/son-in-law has “strong negative feelings” about the whole situation. So in an act of protest, he’s stopped attending any family functions where the thruple is also in attendance.
“He’s been very accepting of my son and partner in the past. He feels that vows are important [and] that the ‘open’ relationship will be harmful to their son and confusing to his young daughter.”
The whole thing has left Dad with lots of questions: “Is this a healthy relationship?” “Is this threesome situation healthy for my grandson?” and “Should we alternate who comes to Christmas in the future?”
In her response, Ellie writes that open relationships, especially among same-sex couples, aren’t a new thing.
“The term ‘open marriage’ was introduced in the late 1970s, and misread by some enthusiasts to simply mean ‘open’ to adulterous group sex,” she explains. “Today, by contrast, what your son and his partner have embraced as ‘open’ is the presence of a third partner in their life and in raising their child.”
Is this healthy?
Sure! Ellie says. “So long as it’s maintained” and the child’s best interests are always put first.
“Plenty of so-called conventional families aren’t healthy when there’s neglect, coldness, abuse, etc.” she writes. “Meanwhile, some ‘different’ family structures work just fine.”
“With your son-in-law, keep contact ongoing. He and your daughter are equal members of your family needing their own attention. A group gathering isn’t always necessary. … Finding reasonable solutions is what keeps a family intact.”
She concludes, “Generally, I find your family is admirably trying to honor, accept or at least understand each other’s differences.”
What do you think about this situation? Sound off in the comments section below…
rbernard
If all parties in the thruple are happy and it is the brother in law who is unhappy, then the unhappy brother in law has a problem. In my minds eye, a thruple is not necessarily an open marriage and there are often rules regarding fidelity.
Never the less, the unhappy brother in law likely homophobic, has unresolved anger issues, and he should seek therapy asap.
Den
The son of a childhood friend of mine married a bisexual woman several years ago. The son considers himself bisexual, though he has never been in relationship with another man. Both he and his wife currently have girlfriends.
My friends are perfectly cool with this, and understand that even if they were not it is not their place to criticize or meddle. Personally I believe open relationships are intrinsically unstable and most I know who have tried them end up splitting up. Of course there is no way to know for certain whether of not a given couple would have lasted with monogamy.
Still, it seems clear to me that if you or your partner have a place and a person to retreat to when inevitable conflict comes up; that conflict is unlikely to be dealt with properly and in a timely fashion. And that is how the resentment that weakens relationship builds up. And a triad would be even worse, with the possibility of two ganging up on the third when conflict arises or decisions must be made. The need to compromise rather than control suffers.
lgbtqiaally43
Here’s a question, what business is it of this guy? Are they healthy, happy, in a positive relationship? Then mind your own damn business.
dmar
the son-in-law has openly admitted an unwillingness to educate his children, so who’s the bad influence? When you are confused you either educate yourself or remain ignorant. I’m cut from another cloth, if you choose to exclude yourself then that is your choice. Continue being a family and wait for them to reconnect and embrace them for wanting to reconnect, otherwise you become just as liable.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
I’m really sorry to each his own but Gay marriage is under attack like never has been with the Orange Puppet’s misadministration this just gives the right wing nut bags more ammunition to say you see they can’t love each other they are just looking for sex. It’s not a real marriage
TheMarc
EXACTLY! Marriage in name only apparently. If you can’t commit to one person, then don’t. Live a non-monogamous lifestyle. But don’t drag marriage into it. It is and should remain a committed relationship between two consenting adults. We fought too hard for it finally to be recognized as such for people to start playing fast and loose with what that commitment is supposed to represent.
TheMarc
Honestly, I see the brother-in-law’s point. He’s not being homophobic/anti-gay. In fact, all indications are that this has nothing to do with their sexuality at all. I hazard he would be just as upset if it were a heterosexual three way marriage. If my one of my brothers were pulling a Hugh Hefner, I wouldn’t want my kids to be too aware of that situation, either.
And yes, their relationship is none of his business, but…it is his business in regard to what his kids are exposed to. Big difference between “honey, your uncle is gay” and “honey, your uncle is married to one of those guys but also in a relationship with the other.”
Raphael
I don’t see what the problem is… Overall, the brother-in-law/son-in-law is actually being reasonable, instead of causing problems and arguing. To be honest, I don’t get this “open relationship” stuff either, specially having a child, I would also be uncountable. Should he be forced to attend parties and dinners and feel uncountable!? Should he make a scene!? It’s so much easier for everyone if he just steps away on these occasions… It’s no big deal.
Raphael
**uncomfortable. Damn autocorrect.