On top of the unstoppered flow of nasty anonymous comments you’ll find beneath blog and social media post, the messages one receives on dating apps like Scruff and Grindr can be further evidence that humanity is doomed to succumb to its own hatred and ineptitude any minute now.
In this video produced by FS magazine, HIV-positive men read real — and really demeaning — messages they’re received on dating apps over the years. And it’s not pretty.
While we imagine most of these artlessly vindictive messages were attached to grainy snapshots of eerily disembodied chests, the men in the video even venture to show their faces. Fancy that.
Watch the guys respond to the negativity below.
H/t: LGBTQ Nation
So many just hateful vile people in the world. The one that drives me crazy is – are you clean? ARRRRRG!!!! I always respond to that by saying yes I bathe daily and use deodorant.
LP - Hired Stud
wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could all just live, respect and let live.
I think this is actually a severe problem right now: While it is good to have lots of campaigns in order to prevent HIV, guys also need to learn how to deal with other guys who are hiv positive.
Some of my closest friends have HIV and until I had a very personal talk with them I didn’t know anything about the illness. Until then I always thought that a boyfriend who has HIV would never be an option – Now I know better and they simply don’t deserve to be excluded for something they cannot change and especially for something that doesn’t really matter to other people.
Gus from http://www.gus-guyblog.com
A couple of those comments were gratuitous but most were fine.
One of the positive guys says it doesn’t bother him because it “comes with the territory”. Which is the right approach, too much pearl necklace clutching theatrics thanks to an attention whoring victimhood culture these days.
Add to that the gay crowd is very bitchy generally despite all the glitter, stage lighting, every other celebrity announcing their sexual ambiguity and gushy media portrayal these days.
One comment starts “I said I’m not interested. I want to stay clean…”
That indicates some pos guy kept trying it on with his target, that is WORSE behaviour than any of the comments made.
I’ve seen the most idiotic behaviour by gays over the years and have no sympathy if they get HIV, they all know what the risk is and still engage in extremely stupid behaviour.
I’m not HIV positive because I took precautions and calculated risks – often sacrificing short term pleasure for long term good health.
Unfortunately many gay men are not capable of self control, and the gay culture/media definitely does nothing to encourage self control and responsibility – its only message is “you are a special snowflake and an eternal victim”.
A couple of cute dudes
“Some of my closest friends have HIV and until I had a very personal talk with them I didn’t know anything about the illness. Until then I always thought that a boyfriend who has HIV would never be an option – Now I know better and they simply don’t deserve to be excluded…”
How could you not know anything about the illness? There is tons of info on it and yet you never bothered?
99.999% of positive gay guys got that way through lack of impulse control. That says all I need to know about their character and relationship potential.
Add to that the life time of medical treatment and costs, health complications and emotional baggage.
I’ll pass thanks.
Cry me a river.
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
it’s a two way street. Sure, that “clean” term is crass and offensive. But for your part don’t hound guys who are not interested (but not expressing it offensive) and then proceed to shame them for that
so, you got yourself a case of HIV. despite all the soft and cuddly, “oh it doesn’t matter” comments, hey, it DOES matter. is this how you take care of yourself and those around you? no thank you. you didn’t try hard enough. you didn’t take care of yourself.
you’re very unlikely to get HIV from having protected sex with a guy who is upfront about his Poz status. nearly all transmissions come from some guy letting a guy who says he’s “neg” or “DDF” finish inside them.
and it happens in a lot of relationships that one partner is convinced is “monogamous”
people are so uninformed it’s ridiculous. promiscuity is not what leads to HIV. i’ve been one promiscuous MoFo the last 16 years, and i don’t have HIV. and i don’t avoid guys with HIV, either. i use condoms.
it’s literally that simple.
I felt angry at the remarks from narrow minded people.
People with HIV deserve as much respect as anybody else.
It scares me but I am prepared to listen and understand.
Boo f cking hoo. If you’re easily hurt/offended by things you read on Scruff and Grindr, then you definitely shouldn’t be on Scruff and Grindr. Log off and work on your self-esteem. Having HIV doesn’t make you exempt from criticism and rejection.
@AtticusBennett: I would not be surprised if you are HIV+ or if you have other STDs; but I don’t expect you to be truthful about this at all.
@heavylifter: I remember when an acquaintance told me something like this. He was unaware that I was HIV positive. I revealed my status and you could hear the record grind to a halt. He apologized a few times. And I changed the subject. A few months later he apologized to me again explaining his ignorance. After that, he seemed a bit changed. It was as if he was a more thoughtful and kind person.
@heavylifter: My poz friends have told me how if they approach 50 men to date or even just hook up with that only maybe 1 or possibly 2 would actually date them or have sex with them, so they only date other men who are HIV+.
Oh rubbish. The lot of them. And here all this time I thought Brits had more class. The commenters sound more like Irishmen than Brits.
Raiders is cute, big time cute!!!
@Bob LaBlah: Fairy tales I have been to the UK many times and have several Brits friends, there and here in NYC, they are European polite but also very rude in some way, class and good manners are extremely different from culture to culture.
@Realitycheck: Exactly. I was thinking the same thing.
@alphacentauri: Not sure what your issue is with Atticus but everything he said was just good common sense.
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
Raiders IS gorgeous.. absolutely stunning. I’d say to die for but ya’know…
@Realitycheck: I believe you. I can only imagine the colorful metaphors they would use in regards to describing my “old bloke” ass. I think the responses were from the lower class over there, the Irish or Scotts.
Sadly, these Apps tend to attract guys who aren’t very kind.
I’m HIV – and have been insulted for being bald. I have a friend who is overweight and gets nasty comments.
No matter who you are there are bound to be people who like you and those who don’t. You just have to grow a thicker skin.
sadly many gay men are complete morons. they are immature and uneducated. You have to expect that even more when on a gay app. grindr is especially vile. im negative, and I have been rejected by poz guys because they only want poz partners. it goes both ways.
This is good. The questions are from total idiots and ignorant men.
Scott John Waterson I’ve literally seen this on buzzfeed, queerty and the huffleting post… Kinda going viral.
@Stache: Yeah – here I totally agree with Atticus (which is rare), and you (as usual!).
You get HIV from unprotected sex with a guy who SAYS he doesn’t have it. But in reality he does. Either he’s lying, or he genuinely – but incorrectly – believes he’s negative because he hasn’t been tested recently enough.
You might even get HIV from a guy who puts a condom on to fuck you, then later takes it off when you’re not looking. Some guys are really that evil.
You don’t get HIV from protected sex with a guy who’s poz and honest and is being properly treated for it. Lots of sero-discordant couples manage this for YEARS quite easily.
But a lot of guys here are too dumb to figure out any of this.
@Bob LaBlah: You are probably right, educated people usually don’t behave like that!
@onthemark: Couldn’t agree more! I have known friends who were in a very long term, committed, monogomous relationship where they made the decision to engage in unprotected sex. My husband and I have been together 24 years and have made the same decision. Unfortunately one of the partners in one of the couples went out and had unprotected sex and infected the other partner.
Prior to my relationship I engaged in protected sex with other men. I had one of them take off the condom and attempt to engage in unprotected sex. I had some “feeling” that something was going “wrong”, so I checked him and sure enough…the dirt bag had taken off the condom!
People shouldn’t judge others who are HIV+ and say they’re all whores or they make poor choices or some other “nonsense” until they really know the truth about the situation.
Your statements hits to the heart of the situation!
We’ve known how to not get HIV since the mid 1980’s. Despite the advances in treatment, it’s still a bad disease. Who wants to take a pill everyday and they don’t work for everyone. If you’re sleeping with people you don’t know, you assume they’re positive, regardless of what they say.
Hook up apps and the internet bring out the worst in so many people. I’m not HIV positive, but on a different level, the kinds of messages I’ve received over the years have been mind boggling. I don’t know why people feel it’s acceptable to be rude to someone just because I’m not their type or I politely decline their offer of sex.
@heavylifter: I agree. Some comments were just the typical hook up app questions. If you’re going to hook up with someone there is nothing wrong with asking about the guy’s STI/HIV status and the standard phraseology is “are you clean?” No need to clutch the pearls.
@CarlIsle: If you’re on Scruff or Grindr looking for a “hookup” YOU should expect people to be rude to you…look at the type of meeting site you’re on? What are they on there for? A date? Ok, a small percentage “say” they are…an even smaller percentage even are. They’re freakin “hook up'” (let’s get together and fuck) sites!
As far as heavylifter is concerned. He believes that “…99.999% of gay guys got it through lack of impulse control.” Utter bullshit! What a made up, bullshit statistic to lay on gay and lesbian people suffering with HIV!!! He needs to do a little fact checking. I wouldn’t agree with any of that crap.
@CarlIsle: ..and I hope he gives you a BS answer too. Same goes for other dumb questions like are “straight acting”.
People have every right to decline sex with whoever they want, including those who are HIV+. However, it should be done in a polite way.
That actually wasn’t as bad as I was anticipating. There were a couple in there that were just downright bad like the “you deserve it” and the one about “…..teach you not to be a slut”. I thought I was in “the know” when it came to HIV but one of my good friends who is more like my little brother is a 23 year old who has had HIV for the past 5-6 years now. He is undetectable (didn’t know what that term even was until he explained it to me) and has really educated me even further on HIV.
If you don’t want to date someone who is HIV+ it doesn’t make you a horrible person so long as you aren’t a douche about it toward them.
@lauraspencer: That’s because the apps are full of people who thought that being hot would make them happy, but nevertheless they find themselves resorting to hookups in cyberland. Despite the pretty faces, they are angry people.
Having HIV doesn’t make a person non-inclined to be rude. In fact, the only stigma(s) that really persists in the gay scene is having a small penis and being overweight. Hell, even the latter doesn’t matter as much if you’re “hung”. This of course is all part of that insidious Top, Bottom bullshit. It’s a real sickness. But people wonder why we’re still dealing with HIV and other STD’s. It begins with the soul/mental illnesses.
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