In ideal circumstances, kids are brought up to value acceptance, not to fear what is perceived as “different,” and to withhold judgment to create space for understanding.
But unless you grew up with truly exceptional parents (and yes, they are out there), which let’s face it, most of us did not, then part of growing up meant breaking free of certain learned behaviors or prejudices.
For LGBT people it gets even more tricky, as many of us were brought up in homes that vilified the very people we would grow up to be. Which means some of us have a complicated past when it comes to homophobia.
Related Post: Sam Smith Was A Victim Of Homophobic Bullying
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One Reddit user, Saubrey, was grappling with this conflict and posed the following question to her community:
Were any of you homophobic before you realized you were LGBT?
Then she shared her experience:
Hope I’m not the only one. I (24F) grew up in a conservative religious family and I didn’t know anybody who was gay. In my pre-teen years I would frequently make jokes about “faggots” and try to bring up those evil gays as a way to evangelize my faith (stupid, I know, but somehow it made sense to me at the time). I actually thought the idea of two women together was kinda gross.
Then suddenly I had a crush on a cute girl and I had to eat a HUUUUUUGE piece of humble pie. I was the first gay person I had ever met. Because I was so deeply in denial I kept making those jokes/comments out of habit until eventually I knew deep down I had to make myself stop. I was causing myself pain. It was the first step on a very long journey to being my authentic self.
I still have a few friends who remember me from way back then and even though things are good now, I occasionally feel really embarrassed about all the things I said.
Many others shared similar stories, which we found quite moving. Unsurprisingly, the “R” word comes up in almost every case.
Related Post: Young Sons Of Gay Dad Share Their Powerful Brushes With Antigay Bullying
Here are some responses:
Sergeant_Static:
I mean, I was a young kid, so growing up around other kids in a conservative area (in spite of my pretty liberal parents) I called things I didn’t like “gay,” and people I didn’t like “fags.” I knew being gay meant you were girly and prissy and feminine and deserved to be made fun of.
I didn’t really understand what I was saying, it’s just sort of something you grow up being told about, and you’re told that it’s bad and people who are gay all act a certain way, you know, the typical shit with teenage boys.
coughcoughdeusvidet:
Yes! My father was a protestant pastor, so I wa raised quite strict and conservative. In my clas I would be the loudest to make homophobic comments. This was especially the case as I was realizing that I had a thing for guys too. Because of my upbringing I was utterly disgusted at myself and thought that the only way to compensate for this sin was to fight other LGBTQ+ folks. This mindset would evolve into me planning my own execution and almost attempting it on several occasions.
PandaSpacePirate:
I was homophobic and transphobic up until junior year of high school. Also raised by a conservative religious family. I condemned homosexuality every single day.
This may seem bizzare but my turning point came to me in the form of a dream. I woke up in tears as I started to reevaluate everything I once stood for.
anikidelvalle:
Yes I was. It was the usual case of “look at them and not me” that’s why I always point out gays everywhere and mock them in front of my friends. It didn’t help that the friends I grew up with were all straight dudes (except for one gay best friend who was the first person I came out to).
Having been in the circle of straight guys for so long, I have seen and joined in the prejudice of gays. It made me more and more afraid to accept that I was gay. I didn’t want to lose these friends of mine ( they really are cool) and I didn’t want to spend the rest of high school avoiding same people for four years. So I learned to be homophobic to stay with the cool kids.
I know I was pathetic.
fatimus_prime:
Yeah. I was raised in a strict religious (American Baptist) family. In high school I was openly hostile to people I knew were gay or even suspected they were. I came out to my closest friends and the only family I could trust at 19 years old.
dsfkjsd:
Absolutely I was about as bad as it got. Born and raised into a cult both parents and every adult I knew were certifiable crazy and I was just as bad. Was a bible thumper and bully. Wasnt till I repeatedly pray that god cure me and kill me after I was forgiven that I started to figure out God is not real. Once I dropped that I am repulsed by homophobes and somewhat accepting of myself. I turned about half of my self hatred towards religion now. All religion and the other half towards anyone trying to control anyone.
rsorrows:
I remember bullying a boy in grade school because he often acted effeminate and had an unusually strong reverence for motherhood. Somewhere in my closeted kid brain, I thought I was helping him.
About a decade later, I randomly spotted him at a high school graduation. He didn’t confront me, but his mood changed immediately after he noticed me. I still regret not apologizing while I could.
A few years later, I came out as a trans woman. Oops. Sorry Mikey.
You can read the full thread here.
AtticusBennett
http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/dad-says-youre-fag-hesaid/
YUP. it’s the old disguise: “I’m not gay! I think gays are disgusting!”
many of these guys end up like anti-gay, wannabe-ex-gay, celibacy-touting self-haters like Matt Moore, Grady Smith, and others. some never come out. some come out, but still parrot their learned hatred for gay men (often railing against FEMS! Stereotypical gays!) in a pathetic attempt to distance themselves from their gay brothers so they can save their @sses from their own crap families and political affiliates.
Giancarlo85
Oh man. I know this story all too well.
Someone from my high school was extremely homophobic to me… and since I went to a small private school (when I lived in Argentina… long story lol.. parents work). I found out later that guy from high school had a boyfriend in college and I even found his myspace profile (this was like 2007-08). He had a picture of him in a liplock with his boyfriend. I messaged him why he wsa so mean to me… and yes I’m a bit feminine… he apologized to me in person. He was in tears for all the pain he put me through and he took out his own issues on me.
Xzamilio
Yeah… I wasn’t a bully, but I was just as complicit with my silence and inner disdain for the boy who was flamboyant and open with his sexuality. Closeted my entire teen years and well into my 20’s. Ironically, I am now openly gay and that classmate is ex-gay (he says). I’m not sure if that is ironic, sad, or both, but I began to realize even in school that the main ones calling my classmate a f*ggot and homophobic slurs were the same ones trying to “get with him” when they thought no one was around.
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
Relevant: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2961049/Murderers-gay-wedding-jail-Inmates-serving-life-sentences-wed-special-ceremony-Yorkshire-prison.html#ixzz3SIdTReXU
Merv
It never occurred to me to be anti-gay, not that there were any openly gay kids to pick on. But I did pick on the Christians mercilessly. Just kidding. I was mild and inoffensive. I didn’t pick on anyone, and no one picked on me.
Ladbrook
Prior to this particular moment in history, most LGBT kids and teens went thru a period of either hatred toward LGBTs (because of their family’s values) or self-hatred (because they were starting to realize that they were what the community most feared).
I never bullied others about it, but I was bullied by boys and girls who later became gay as 20 or 30-somethings. I mostly forgave them because as 10 or 12 yr olds, I couldn’t actually hold them accountable for how they once felt. However, I did remind a few of them of what they’d done back in jr high… mostly just to make myself feel better, I think.
polarisfashion
@Giancarlo85: I remember one guy that was really nasty to me. What I find interesting now is some of the insults he hurled at consisted of very specific sexual acts that at the time I had no idea existed. I wonder if he was a closet case himself the more I think about it. I also blame him and my church for making me hate myself and not finally coming out till I was 23.
DarkZephyr
I was picked on mercilessly in high school and at least 3 of the homophobes who picked on me are openly LGBT now. One bi, two gay. My blood still boils when I think about what they put me through. One time they and several other classmates literally almost killed me. I don’t feel overly forgiving I must admit.
RainboWarrioR
I was raised in a conservative southern baptist family. i never bullied anyone about being gay but i had my taste of it. when i was 13 i told a friend i thought i could trust that i had had sex with a guy. the next day the whole school knew. i was being asked if i liked to get off with dildos. i didnt even know what a damn dildo was.
later on at 16 i came to terms with myself after not really knowing what “gay” really was so i had no idea it wasnt a choice. while i was still in high school i honestly was never bullied for it. there was a big crowd of kids that pretty much accepted you for who you were at Northside High. i honestly never had to deal with it. however when my parents found out when i was 17 it was “change or get the hell out of our house”. so i “changed” and was trying so desperately to be what im not that i more or less got caught with a girl in the bathroom. i almost lost my graduation bc of that. it wasnt until i was 22 that i finally realized i was just so tired of the self hatred that i just quit and accepted who i was. my parents were still bigoted but they tried in their own skewed way to understand especially when i fell in love with my current fiance.
Arconcyyon
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onthemark
I was bullied a lot, but don’t remember having much curiosity about the bullies’ motives. Bullies were like bad weather, I just tried to avoid “frostbite” (metaphorically speaking) & keep myself intact.
Later as a gay 20-something, when I first heard that sometimes bullies turn out to be gay themselves, I was shocked but it made immediate sense to me. The sudden sense of perspective was liberating. The only downside was it made me suspicious of certain potential sex partners so I wanted to figure out their history – had they been bullies??? And if it seemed they had been – ugh, I couldn’t go thru with it!
After 30 or so this faded away. And I’ve especially never understood guys older than 50 who are still obsessing about their childhood bullies from 40 years ago; that seems pretty crazy to me, but I guess everyone has their personal narrative that drives them.
QJ201
A gay ex-bully once ran into me and apologized to me. About two days later I was so pissed off at myself for being so nice about it.
TrueWords
This is so true for many bullies and others like them…watch and learn
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f33ieCWRWlI
wade.l
Could not care less what they were going through. They were bullies and probably in some way or another still are.
ppp111
@DarkZephyr:
I know it’s tough; I went through the same thing when I was younger and sometimes it still bothers me. But you have to realize you’re not that same person who was being picked on anymore. Now with all the support we have, you’re not alone. BTW, a couple of classmates who were viciously homophobic in my class turned out to be gay. I admit I was mad when I heard about it but after some careful contemplation I guess we all go through our self-acceptance differently.
Giancarlo85
@polarisfashion: The reality is I wasn’t out until I was 18, but before that I wasn’t friendly to gay people. I wouldn’t say I was a bully, but the bullying made me very defensive and closed off. I didn’t talk to gay people and avoided them.
I did forgive the guy. Takes a lot to forgive. But I won’t forget.
cflekken
I hate the title of this article. They didn’t “turn out” to be gay. They were gay and hiding behind their bullying.
jwtraveler
The “R” word? It took me a while, but I finally figured it out. Is “religion” now a prohibited word in polite society? And BTW, it only appears in half the stories.
onthemark
@jwtraveler: I’ve never quite bought the “R” connection. My bullies were always either (a) the type of thugs who never went to church and spent their Sunday mornings pulling the wings off flies, or (b) boys who we all knew had been kicked out of the Catholic school. (Ewwww, Catholics! – might as well have been Martians to my family in the ’70s.)
Maybe it’s different in the South.
Chris
Years ago — and this is when TV was still black and white — a bully slapped me in the face, in front of my entire class….reducing me to tears. That was the final straw and the school expelled him for that.
Fast forward to my mid-20s when (not known to me) he told a bunch of vets who I knew and was working with that I wasn’t to be trusted based on his being expelled.
One of them told me about the encounter and asked about what had happened. When I told him what I remembered from the many years earlier, he said to me: “this guy’s still mad at you for elementary school. That’s just….” and he shook his head.
At that moment, I felt freed from everything bad that had ever happened to me while I was growing up. I have kept that freedom close to me ever since and often think of this vet with thanks in my heart.
But also, I have wanted to apologize to that bully for whatever small part I may have had in creating the prison that kept him unable to break free from his own past. Sometimes, I wonder but then say “nahhhhhhhhhhhh.” It IS true, the opposite of love is indifference.
jwtraveler
@Chris: It doesn’t sound to me like there is anything for you to apologize for. I’m glad that you were able to get some ‘healing’.
AJ-from-SA
I’m 48 and for all my past years as a gay man I have only experienced a personal hell. Here’s the thing .. I hate that I an a gay man and so I am my own worst enemy. I beat up on myself over this curse that is a part of this life I am living. I find nothing redeeming in being gay. My life has been constant discomfort among men, straight or gay. I’m a moffie ( a local term for a gay man) that doesn’t like men … what a f****d up life choice.
The bullying at school pales in comparison with the way I treat myself.
I’m a loner, removed myself from society and socializing altogether. I do my job and go home and that’s it.
Even with the world being somewhat more gay friendly (a little bit), I find no redeeming quality/s about being gay. If there was a pill to change this I’d be first in line.
RyanD
@AJ-from-SA: So if there were a pill to turn you straight, you’d go from gay sadsack to straight sadsack? I think your sexuality is the least of your worries. I recommend a psychiatrist asap.
AtticusBennett
@AJ-from-SA: You’ll never be happy as long as you keep telling yourself that you hate being gay. You will never find happiness as long as you keep doing what you’ve been doing for 48 years. If “your way” has meant 48 years of being miserable, it’s time to put two and two together and change it all up. Your way hasn’t worked.
Your life would not be better if you were straight. your life will be better when you get to a therapist and work on your decades of internalized homophobia and self-hate and shame about being gay.
Giancarlo85
Wow AJ… I don’t know what to say about that. I used to beat myself up when I was younger… I even became… *gasp* a right wing nut. I grew up fast though and by the time I was in my 20s, I was politically left wing, out and happier about myself and identity.
I would say you need to talk someone. Atticus is totally correct. Internalized homophobia and self hate isn’t any way to live.
Giancarlo85
@Giancarlo85: And I’m still left wing… very much so. Even more now than before.
Cam
Well remember how many anti-gay politicians have been caught with male prostitutes or outted in other ways.
The entire defense against allowing gays to marry in NOM’s court briefs were based upon the studies of “George Rekers”, ooops, he was busted and outted by a Male prostitute, and his research was thrown out. That is most of what collapsed the case for defending Prop 8.
One last thing, that little prostitute who outted George Rekers did more for gay rights in the courts than HRC ever did, and they never got anything for it, meanwhile HRC commissions books claiming that their director single handedly brought gay rights to America.
It’s just sad.
LadyL
This may be the saddest thread I’ve read in a long time. Your posts are all so moving.
Being a fairly girly kind of girl growing up in a very Catholic family I was never bullied about being a lesbian. (About other things I was bullied, ironically, but not about my sexuality.) I had some inklings about myself however, which made me very guarded and closed off with nearly all of my peers and family. As awful as it is to be tormented by others, perhaps the worst may be the anxiety and internalized self-hatred that can cripple and imprison you for years. That was my experience: anger turned inward. I bullied myself.
Disciple
I was an evangelical minister for 8 years, I was in the church for 20 years. Non denominational bible thumping holy roller.
I not only preached against homosexuality I supported DOMA and similar policies I was as homophobic as one could get without becoming violent. 🙁
I was so convinced the bible was true I saw it as an urgent duty to support such nonsense, it was not until I was around 21 and after years of struggle, prayer and seeking that I found the truth.
Loosing my faith was very painful and the fear of rejection from my family was great, I almost did not make it through.
It was a strange and difficult transition it took years for me to find freedom.
I understand the homophobic guys, they hate their inner self whether bi or gay. It is sad 🙁 and no way to live ones life.. it is like self torture. You are constantly judging and condemning yourself.
Today..I am no bully, in fact I find all force immoral whether physical or demand so yeah :p I am free happy and love everyone even if they hate me. Not all bullies remain bullies..you see people can actually change. I am total different person today so different from what I was it astounds me to think that was me.
So in closing.. Let us respond to such adversity with love and compassion, it will catch them off guard. You will almost always win more flies with honey.
Disciple
@AJ-from-SA: I am sorry to hear your life has been such a struggle so far man. Life is a struggle for most, and self loathing is not at all uncommon. I can’t say some magic words to make it all better but I can say that you have the power to change the way you see both yourself and the world.
Try little things like focusing on the positive rather than the negative, it seems silly but after a while it does have an impact on ones mind.
I would actually do the opposite on the pill bit, I really really really love being gay and would choose it over heterosexuality in an instant without a second thought. I have not left my house in 3 years due to physical ailment. (have a bad spine)I am 33 and have been single for 12 years :p By choice not chance. I only share this to give you an idea of the guy attempting to give advice. You must find happiness in you brother. It is not in the world or in your partner or in a possession. It is in you somewhere. Just do not give up <3
PrincessOfPisces
I’m kind of at a similar place in my life. I’m in my mid twenties. I was in a relationship with a woman for about 3 years, but I’ve been with MANY men. I’ve also been with about 5/6 women. I really enjoy men, but I know deep down that I enjoy being with women as well. I sometimes get “cravings” to be with a woman, but suppress it. I’ve found myself saying really bad things about lesbians mostly. I think the reason I have no issue with gay men (my uncle is gay, and I love him so much) is because they are not a threat to me.
I’ve found myself calling lesbians the d word, joking about them, saying “eww” when someone talks about lesbians being together, despite the fact that I’ve had lesbian sex many, many times. I’ve convinced my family that I am no longer into that “lifestyle”, even though they were accepting. I hate that I feel this way. I feel embarrassed about people thinking about me being with another woman. I feel sometimes, like lesbian sex is pretty disgusting, despite doing it, and enjoying it. I miss laying with a woman, touching her hair, and skin, and making love to her. Some of the best intimate experiences I’ve had have been with my ex girlfriend.
I feel bad that I have made some pretty cruel jokes about lesbians, and treat them badly. The other day, this woman who works at Starbucks (I know she is gay, actually) flirted with me and gave me something free, smiled at me. I found her to be very attractive, but got scared and try to run to the other side of the cafe. Maybe someday I’ll be able to be with women again and not feel guilty and ashamed. I would never physically hurt anyone who I believe to be lesbian, but in my public life, I try to avoid them, and act as though I find them gross…even though I feel exactly the opposite. I have sex with men, and it’s fun. I get turned on by men, but whenever I get hot for a woman, no amount of straight intimacy can satisfy me.
JosMaker
I was homophobic… not as bad as i have seen some people but my closet was made of the clearest glass…. so yeah…. and the biggest homophobs I knew in school want to “hook up” but are married with kids.
Mara Jayde
In my family we learned to not judge others, My stepfather supported gay marriage, but ridiculed marriage in general, by saying “Sure I support gay marriage, why can’t they be just as miserable as the rest of us?”
Rob Moore
@Merv: That was sort of my experience too. What I really regret is not standing up for another boy in my class who was small and effeminate. He was kind and gentle, but I never tried to help him when the bullies went after him. I could pass, I guess. I was tall, pretty strong, and came across as a farm boy, but I knew in high school. I think Stevie recognized me, too. He and I survived and came out as adults. Another boy in our class, tried to pass even after he was an adult then blew out his brains leaving a confused wife and two small children.
I feel my cowardice made me as bad as an active bully.
reet
This is all very simplistic. It’s not just good parents. Kids run with the pack, and pick on the weaker – no matter what the issue may be. The pack will be a bigger bond than the parents, at the moment. Bullies are bullies. They aren’t simply closeted kids.
But the article has validity – what do I often hate the most about someone? They have some trait that I recognize And dislike in myself. And gays – or anyone – may lash out because they subliminally know and fear their feelings. Long before they realize it on a conscious level.
hp440lisa
As a person labelled as a “Transsexual separatist” the worst bullies I have ever faced identify as “LGBT” and especially “transgender.” I seriously mean that to. There are a lot myths circulated about people like me in the “gay community.” First I’m a confused “gay guy” or a “gay guy” out to trick a straight guy into sex with me. Sorry but you are confusing me with homosexual transvestites some of which also moonlight as drag queens and prostitutes. Secondly that because I am a “transsexual separatist” I hate said homosexual transvestites, drag queens, the gender confused, heterosexual crossdressers, gay men, lesbians to include terfs, and your mother!
All of the above not true! What is true is that I’m not homophobic or transphobic enough to only see those who choose to self-identify as “LGBT” while putting down everyone else just exactly the same as the guy in this article talked about doing. I never identified as “gay” and to be truthful I was to busy dealing with the issue of being transsexual and feeling all messed up with my body to even know that I was attracted to men until I was in my early twenties. When I did realize I was attracted to men it wasn’t from a “gay guy” perspective it was from that of a woman.
That is the plain truth. Including me in the “LGBT” is doing me no favors and reinforcing all of the above myths I just bitched about. This is what i stand for and represent and I recommend you read the comments I left also. If you want to bully me because of it i got my big girl panties on. http://www.heartlandconnection.com/news/story.aspx?id=1201784
BigG
I was never a closeted gay bully. That’s just evil. People who were like this Blame religion but in reality they are just shitty people in general. Dont trust them. Don’t give them props when they come out. A stone heart is a stone heart.