How Much Is This Heterosexual Woman’s Right to Marry In New York Worth?

Homos aren’t the only ones livid over yesterday’s marriage defeat in New York. Jamie Frevele, a heterosexual New Yorker gal, is pissed too. Jamie, you see, was born with the right to marry the person she loves, because she is a straight person. But she’s a single gal in the big city, and believes it’s unlikely she’ll be exercising that right anytime soon. So she’s auctioning it off to the highest bidder. We’d say something about how the auction is “open to all,” but let’s be honest: While homos can bid, they can never win.

Before eBay takes it down — immutable rights can’t be sold, can they? — go here to see the auction item. Jamie, a self-professed “comedy writer/failed journalist,” tells Queerty that any proceeds will go to The Point Foundation, the mentoring group for LGBT youth. For the curious:

New York State has voted down marriage equality. A lot of people just don’t believe all adults should be allowed to get married, usually for religious reasons, which is silly because you need to obtain a license from the state to get married, and there’s a separation of church and state in this country, so denying someone the right to get married based on their sexual orientation is actually against the Constitution. The 14th Amendment, actually: Section. 1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

I’m an unmarried heterosexual woman, and since I probably won’t be using my right to get married, I would like to give it away. I would like to sell it to the highest bidder and donate the proceeds to an organization that supports LGBT rights since the government designed to protect all of us is picking and choosing based on what they think is icky, weird, or unkown to them.

Bid now, and you can have my super wonderful privilege and legal ability to get married as many times as you want in a classy place like the one pictured. You don’t have to know the person, you don’t have to like them, you don’t have to think through your decision to get married or anything – you can just do it! Because you can! Come on, it’s cool to get married, and think of the pictures you’ll have to show people of this person that they will definitely think is so wrong for you and probably is! But heavens to BETSY, do NOT marry someone of the same gender because that would be a mockery of the institution of marriage.

And if it doesn’t work out, just get divorced. Half the cool people who get married do that anyway.

I will write you up a fancy, wonderful, articulate proclamation handing over my right to get married. I have no official documentation because this is something I was born with since I was born heterosexual. Unfortunately, this is only a symbolic gesture. However, since I’m picky and difficult, it’s probably something that, if a physical object, would have been considered pristine and shiny after some dusting. Your bid, on the other hand, is real, and the donation you make to an organization that supports those who have been treated as second-class citizens will be well worth it.

I have not named an organization yet because I thought I would see if anyone wanted to join me on this journey rather than drag them into something they’re not serious about, ready for, etc.

Happy Bidding!

Jamie Frevele

Free shipping included.