parenthood

How These 2 Lesbian Ex-Partners Agreed to Share Custody of the Twins (With The Sperm Donor)

When it comes to homosexuals and their child custody battles, there are two ways to go about fighting over the kids. There’s the Janet Jenkins Method, which involves the police hunting down your former partner who went MIA before complying with a court order to turn over the child. And then there’s the Kim T. Smith, who found “a fragile peace” with former partner Maggie Quale, who fell in love with the sperm donor of their almost-one-year-old twin boys.

Smith and Quale, 33, never registered as domestic partners, but under the settlement will both be considered the children’s legal parents. Yahoo! But what about Shawn Wallace, 28, the baby daddy, creator of SaveOurTwins.com, and Quale’s new beau (pictured)?

The public relations specialist and Shawn Wallace, the sperm donor, a 28-year-old landscape designer who she met through a mutual friend, started a Web site three months ago called SaveOurTwins.com and asked the public for help with legal expenses. The site and a corresponding Facebook page have since been taken down.

Smith, 45, who works at the University of California, Santa Cruz, has been advised by her attorneys not to discuss the case publicly. She and Quale, who had a commitment ceremony in January 2008 eight months after meeting, split up in August 2009, just five months after the twins, Max and Levi, were born.

Quale and Smith never registered as domestic partners with the state, but were considered as such on Smith’s insurance, which paid for the birth. Though Smith never adopted the twins, Smith and Quale are listed as parents on the children’s birth certificates, and the boys have the hyphenated last name of Smith-Quale.

Quale said she and Smith never formalized their relationship because of persistent problems with the relationship.

[…] It is not clear whether Wallace was granted any paternity rights in the settlement.

And because we just saw a gay custody case on Judge Judy, let this be a warning to all:

No legal arrangements were made between them or Wallace about parental rights before or after the children were born.

Sorry ladies, but that makes you IDIOTS. There are enough legal snafus that gay parents have to jump through to secure proper guardian rights, and not even having a single sheet of paper declaring whom the parents will be (the two mommies) and whom will not be (the sperm donor) is the very least you could do. Particularly in California, where state law — and various judges’ courtrooms — dictates two biological parents will always supersede an assumed parent.

We learn all about the pill and how to put on a condom. But for gays, we should also be taught that when we actually want to have children, get it in writing.

(P.S. SaveOurTwins.com is offline, but you can view it in Google’s cache. And because the story Maggie and Shawn share on it should never be lost, we’ve reprinted in full on the next page.)

Dear Friends, Allies and Angels,

I am writing to you to ask for the ultimate favor – to help me fight for my children, Max and Levi.

Before I explain my situation, I want to be clear: supporting me in this fight does not mean you’re opposed to supporting non-biological parents in same-sex unions. It does not mean you will be swaying the court case in one direction or the other. What I am asking for is the chance to have my voice heard too.

We are a new family with a most unusual beginning. I am the immensely proud mother of an eight-year-old son, Calvin, and I have a pair of beautiful infant twins named Max and Levi, conceived while I was in a committed relationship with a woman named Kim. While my children were and continue to be the light of my life, my partnership with Kim went sour. I truly hoped that with counseling, prayer and deep commitment we could salvage our relationship and plan a future together, but our relationship continued to deteriorate and she left when the twins were five months old.

It’s a story we’ve all heard. A couple separates and there’s a nasty custody battle. But here’s the part that’s getting forgotten in all the drama: these kids aren’t Kim’s. Kim and I never married. We never applied to become domestic partners. She never adopted my children.

Kim and her lawyers are turning our break-up into a gay rights issue, trying – and so far, succeeding – to make this a landmark case to give same-sex partners equal parental rights without the need for a marriage, domestic partnership or adoption. At first I was willing to work with her, to support her continued relationship with my babies despite the fact that she has no legal rights, but Kim wants more than that. She is petitioning for full custody of the twins, allowing me visitation only during working hours. In other words, she wants me to provide daycare for my own children.

Same-sex couples like us are suddenly making national headlines fighting for parental rights. In 99% of cases involving same-sex couples there is no other biological parent available, therefore the courts typically recognize a non-biological figure as a legal parent based on the belief that children are best served by two adults. Indeed decades of research establish that two parents providing daily care and guidance is the best possible arrangement for children. That is the other forgotten piece of this story…the twins already have another parent – their biological father Shawn.
Shawn with Max

Back in May 2008 I took a very bold step and asked my friend Shawn to help me create a child. We came together with a commitment to bring a new life into this world with the understanding that we would support each other through the journey however possible. Nine months later I gave birth to not one, but two beautiful, healthy baby twin boys. These are the children at the center of this custody battle, Max and Levi.

Kim left when the babies were five months old and Shawn immediately stepped forward to honor his role as a father. He moved into our home and has provided daily love and support every single day since. Shawn is an amazing dad and these babies adore him. Over the past few months we have realized a shared vision. We know that we started this family in an unconventional way. We recognize that our choices set this all into motion, but each day that passes we believe more and more that God brought us together for a reason. We are learning life-changing lessons about our responsibility as the biological parents and believe it is of supreme importance for us to create a loving, healthy family for our children.

One would think Kim has no chance of winning against the two biological parents, but Kim has the following on here side: four attorneys, seemingly unlimited family funding, and the National Center for Lesbian Rights (NCLR) which seeks to make this a test case for gay rights. The court has clearly been swayed by an impressive show of legal force and has already granted her temporary shared custody pending the trial. I am now watching helplessly as my babies are traded back and forth like property five days a week. I have no wish to disparage the efforts of the LGBT community, yet no matter how much I believe in equality, it is unconscionable to use children for the advancement of any political cause.

A battle that forces a mother to choose allegiance between her sexual orientation and her children is wrong. A battle that attempts to remove children from their biological parents does not advance our struggles as a community – it only creates deeper division. A battle that turns a personal score into a political statement is not something to rally behind. I will fight for my equality, but I cannot sacrifice my babies to prove a point. I can’t fight at all when the power balance is so clearly skewed in Kim’s direction. She has four high-powered law firms and national gay rights organizations on her side; all we have is our love as Max and Levi’s parents. That’s where you come in.

We are very humbly reaching out to our community of friends, allies and angels in desperate need of assistance to continue our fight for our children. Although Shawn and I both work very hard at our jobs, the financial burden to participate in this court battle is simply beyond our means. The past three months of court and attorney fees has completely wiped out all of our financial resources.

The trial is scheduled for February 2010. The funds raised will cover the court-ordered depositions, appearances, hearings, preparation of trial briefs, and the trial itself, which is expected to last three full days. We must raise $20,000 or we will not be able to have an attorney fight on behalf of our children.
How can you help?

1. Spread the word – Contact your family, friends, neighbors to let them know what is happening. Forward this URL, share the cause on Facebook or send a copy of Maggie’s letter. Ask your church to pray for wisdom, faith and compassion for us, our babies, our attorney, the judge and of course Kim and her legal team.
2. Do you know an attorney? – Please tell them about our case. This case can redefine what it means to be a family in California. We have infinite trust that someone will feel called to help us protect our children.
3. Can you donate? – We know money is tight for everyone right now, but any amount of donation will make a huge difference. A donation of $10, $100 or $1000 will help tremendously.

You can donate through Paypal or send a check to:

Maggie and Shawn
109 Younger Way
Santa Cruz, CA 95060

The universe has blessed us with an amazing, beautiful family. We truly appreciate your prayers and assistance in helping us to protect them – thank you so much.
Very sincerely,

Maggie Quale

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