“We’re here to worship at the altar of small dicks!” emcee Chicken Bitch announced to the crowd of drunken onlookers, the Daily Beast reports.
Five poorly-endowed contestants were competing for $200 and the top title in Brooklyn’s Smallest Penis Pageant.
A block-long line to get into the event began forming at 11:30 a.m. Doors opened at 2 p.m. The bar was decorated with penis-shaped balloons and streamers, and bartenders mixed creamy white “Penis Coladas,” which were served with a penis-shaped straw.
The five contestants included: Puzzle Master, a soft-bellied, shaggy-haired white dude with black-rimmed nerd glasses; Twig-N-Berries, who bore a striking resemblance to Kurt Cobain; Peter Parker, a short, plump little man disguised in a Spider-man mask; Rufio, a slick-haired Italian in aviator sunglasses; and Raj Kumar, a smiling Indian man.
Contestants competed in three rounds. Round #1 was a general Q&A, in which the men were asked questions like “What’s your favorite food?” (“Pussy!” Rudio answered), “What’s your favorite sexual position?” (“I’ve never had sex,” Puzzle Master confessed), and “If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?” (“My balls,” Peter Parker replied.)
Round #2 was the swimsuit round, in which the men paraded across the stage in light blue, bedazzled tulle g-strings.
The final round was the talent competition. Each man was required to sing and/or dance. Puzzle Master masterfully reenacted Buffalo Bill’s “Would You Fuck Me? I’d Fuck Me” number from Silence of the Lambs. Peter Parker jammed out to “Jump On It.” But it was Raj Kumar who received the loudest applause for his traditional Bollywood dance number.
At some point during the event, the smell of raw sewage reportedly filled the venue, causing many people to exit the building temporarily. But they all returned in time for the crowning.
Rufio and Twig ‘n Berries were eliminated from the competition for having regular-sized penises.
“Your dick is too fucking big!” judge Carolyn Fox scolded Rufio.
That left Puzzle Master, Peter Parker, and Raj Kumar, who was proclaimed the winner. Last year’s champion, Nick Gilronan, handed off the title. He told the crowd that, though his life hadn’t changed much since winning last year’s competition, he did get laid a couple of times, which was nice.
After winning the competition, Raj told the Daily Beast that he recently moved to the United States from India, and that he’s never given much thought to the size of his package. “In India, love is placed high above sex,” he said. “So size doesn’t matter.”
“It was gross, hot, and wonderful,” Charles Stunning, whose band Afterbirth Monkey performed during intermissions, told the Brooklyn Paper. “It was like being on a crowded, hot subway platform if everyone on the platform loved penis.”
Sounds as if it was a lovely event.
Read about the winner of last year’s competition here.
Photo credits: Melissa Bunni Elian/The Daily Beast