After six years of marriage, a woman says she wanted to spice up her sex life, so she suggested to her husband that they have a threesome with another man. But things didn’t go quite like she hoped, so now she’s seeking help from advice guru Dear Sanders.
“He was excited by the idea but we agreed he would not actually have sex with the other guy,” the 33-year-old woman explains. “He said it would be a real buzz, though, to see me with another man and getting off on it.”
After finding a candidate online, a 28-year-old bisexual man, they invited him over to their house for a threesome. It was awesome, so they invited him back about half a dozen more times.
“It was really great and we all seemed to find it very exciting,” the woman says. “But then we didn’t hear from him for several months–or at least my husband said we had not.”
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Then she stated noticing her husband growing more distant.
“I just assumed it was the pressure of work but I was taking some clothes to the dry cleaner’s one day and found a used condom wrapper when I turned out my husband’s coat pockets,” she says.
After snooping through his phone, she uncovered a video of their third performing oral sex on her husband.
“You can’t see my husband’s face, of course, but I recognized his voice,” she says. “I was so shocked.”
She hasn’t said anything to him about it yet, but now she wonders: What is going on? Is she in an open relationship? Can she really be upset when it was she who originally welcomed the third into their bedroom? Should she confront him about it?
In her response, Deidre tells the woman that, yeah, she kinda made her bed, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she needs to lie in.
“If ever there was a time for the saying ‘Be careful what you wish for’, this is it,” she says. “As you have discovered, involving other people in your sex life all too easily leads to misery for one or all of you.”
She continues, “You were acting with the approval of your husband when you went ahead with the threesomes, but he has gone behind your back. Maybe your husband discovered he has gay feelings he had never stirred up before, but this is cheating.”
Deidre includes by telling the woman she needs to confront her husband about it.
“He may well feel very confused about his sexuality and ashamed of deceiving you,” she advises, “but the two of you must get help to sort this one way or another.”
What do you think this woman should do? Sound off in the comments section below…
rikard_pearson
“invited back half a dozen more times” says a lot. i wonder who put a stop to the group meetings?
Kangol2
Probably hubby. He wanted that man all to himself!
SELA Rising
So the husband is totally being deceptive, regardless of how it started. They probably went into this situation without really talking about how they would deal with the ramifications of this particular set up. Also, I’m sure the husband will rationalize his behaviour by saying how uncomplicated it is with the bloke. “I go over, he gets me off and I leave, would you want me to treat you like that?”
The truth is that he likes sex with men (and presumably women), they should talk about that and set boundaries for each other that satisfy them both emotionally AND sexually. If he is still deceptive and creeping about, then hes just a good ol’ run of the mill cheater and she should look for the exit.
Chrisk
If he’s bi-sexual you’ll never be able to scratch that itch for him so yeah.
Granny Spoth
Bisexual men do not have to cheat.
However, if the woman and the man are hot for this guy, this could make a good throuple.
Why shy away from that?
imo the husband is just dying for the wife to suggest it.
tr6886
Only few bi men don’t cheat. Otherwise, how do they get their reputations from ?
enlightenone
Reading between the lines, the wife assumed they had a “monogamous” marriage up to the point of her socially-incompetent suggestion for a 3some that both do her ONLY! That said, this “straight/bi” guy gets sucked by both, but prefers a guy suck? The husband does seem to prefer the bed of a man? Gay to me, hiding in plain sight!
CurtisIsTheOne
I think the advice given was directly on point. Discuss the ramifications of guy on guy sex and set boundaries. BOOM goes the dynamite.
CityguyUSA
There will never be an honest discussion between the 2 of them regarding this. Sparing feelings and not getting put on the spot is the agenda.
Donston
Plenty of inherently bi people or folks who contend with whatever amounts of fluidity do not indulge sexual behaviors with multiple sexes. Hell, many complete homosexuals don’t live anything but a “straight lifestyle”. Having some bisexuality/pan-sexuality/fluidity in your orientation does not mean that you cheat or even that you need or want to sexually engage beyond one sex or one person. Some people just don’t have much interests in sexual interactions beyond one sex despite not being completely hetero or homo, or they simply choose not to because they want to be monogamous or due to internalized homophobia and hetero-normal pressures expectation. This is why hiding behind identity or behaviors is never a smart thing. Honest conversation needs to be had with your partner as far as why they want you as a partner and where they are in the orientation spectrum.
Too many of the comments here are focused on sex. Folks continue to ignore the general spectrum. While too many assume that same-sex stuff is almost strictly about sexual behaviors. Hetero relationships (especially marriages) rarely end just because someone wants to have sex with their same sex. Maybe her husband is realizing (or finally accepting) that he really likes same-sex affections and romantic attention, that he may feel more emotional fulfillment and emotional intensity towards his same sex, may feel more general contentment with someone of his sex. If that is the case then it’s a far more complicated scenario than him merely hooking up with dudes sometimes. The stereotype of guys just using other guys for sex and/or money has legitimacy. But there are also plenty of men who use women primarily for sex, money, children and/or a hetero cover-up and hetero ego boost. Yet, at the end of the day, they prefer persistent same-sex affections, emotional bonds, love and relationships. The fact that he’s becoming distant is not a good sign and is a reflection that there are probably more problems there him than him liking to hook up with dudes. Maybe he’s confused about who he is and what he wants. Though that’s no excuse for the cheating. They need to have a very in-depth conversation. It’s really a conversation that should have been had years prior.
Jack Meoff
Sounds like another made-up story to me.
Kangol2
She opened Pandora’s box and now is having to deal with the consequences. She should sit her husband down and have a non-accusatory, open-minded, truthful conversation about his desire for this man, or for being with men without the presence of her or any woman. It might shock her, but at least she has a clearer sense of him, their marriage, and what things might look like going forward.
MISTERJETT
“be careful what you wish for. you just might get it.”
Aires the Ram
I agree that it’s complicated and sticky issue, and I agree that she opened up Pandora’s Box, BUT, nothing will change the fact that he’s got a homosexual side to him, that he’s “perhaps” just discovering. That being said, she opened the barn door and let him out of his heterosexual ‘stable’, and now he’s running free. That horse may come back to the barn at night, but he’ll never stop running free now.
NateOcean
Funny that she said she recognized her husband in the video from his *voice*.
I would have thought that she recognized his *penis* from the size, shape, color, texture, veins, foreskin, glans, etc.
Clearly she is lacking familarity with his equipment, hence he looks elsewhere for attention.
Aires the Ram
She’s probably never had it, but in the missionary position with the lights out.
C_Alan
“…we agreed he would not actually have sex with the other guy”
He should leave her over her cluelessness and selfishness.
lovethyneighbor
This is a sad situation, but it doesn’t have to be. First of all, the wife initiated the conversation about wanting a threesome with another bi-sexual man. Her husband agreed without hesitation — this is where a red flag should have popped up. Usually, a man, who agrees to a threesome is going to want another straight man, so there’s no funny business where the other man tries to screw him. Secondly, you had about a half-dozen or so encounters with this 28-year-old bisexual man. Obviously, your husband was exploring a side of himself he probably had shoved to the back burner. Perhaps, in your quest to engage in a threesome, you were acknowledging your subconscious suspicions your husband might be bi or gay. Finally, when you found out your husband was engaging one-on-one with your bi-sexual lover, you should have confronted him right away.
Unfortunately, anytime a couple regardless of marital status chooses to move outside the monogamy of the relationship, you have opened the doors to possible great joy or pending doom. In this case, your husband broke an agreement the two of you had, so it’s on him; however, it is hard to have sympathy for anyone, who initiated the opening of the marriage in the first place. The time for crying over spilled milk is over. It’s time to realize your husband has discovered his homosexual feelings or needs. Even if you try to close the relationship, I think it sets the scene for a major disaster as Pandora’s Box has been opened, and now, you must live with the consequences.
My advice is for you to file for divorce because the two of you will never have trust as a foundation. Obviously, something wasn’t working right in your sexual relationship or someone’s needs weren’t being met, or the proposed opening wouldn’t have occurred. I say this coming from a place where I was contacted on Yahoo Messenger by a married man, Bob. His wife had a bf of several years on the side and knew Bob was gay since college. He wanted to have children, so they married. I was invited into the relationship by both parties. However, I was gay and never engaged in a threeway with them. In fact, the sexual relationship between the husband and wife had been non-existent prior to my coming in. Five years later, I let Bob know I couldn’t be a part of the four-way due to some jealousy issues coming from the wife. I told him it was time for him to make a choice because I wasn’t going to be the one living and only getting one day a week of his time. He went home and called me an hour later indicating he asked for a divorce.
Bob and I moved in together in 2008, we moved to California in 2009 and during the first year, he decided he didn’t want to be monogamous because he wasn’t cut out for it. I had to do some deep soul-searching before we sat down to establish explicit rules. We have been together for 17 years and going on 7 of them married. He never lies to me and I always know where he is and what he is doing for two days a week. I trust him implicitly; however, if I would have told people he was cheating on me, they wouldn’t have felt sympathy. I knew what I was getting. I have to admit, I didn’t necessarily have to like it, but I know he loves me dearly. I love him very much and chose to put his happiness first and decided if the opportunity arose, I would have my milk and cookies.
I shared this with you because if your husband wants to be in that type of relationship, be prepared to lay down some ground rules. If you don’t feel you can work through that, then do what you know you have to do. Don’t whine and cry about how he cheated because you are BOTH responsible for this debacle. You never dive into a threeway unless you establish and write down the rules. Believe it or not, my heart goes out to both of you. There is no easy out in this situation other than parting as friends, moving on, and if you have children, keep them the hell out of it.
djmcgamester
Once that door is open all bets are off. Maybe the guy didn’t even know he was into dudes until this happened. Still, I think he screwed up with the lying. What he should have done is had a frank conversation with he wife about wanting to experiment himself. Right now he’s just a cheater.
MrMichaelJ
If you’re watching a video of a guy getting head and can only see his package and you don’t realize you’re married to that package instantly and have to rely on the voice to confirm then maybe you don’t have to wonder why that package is off gallivanting around with someone else.
Look the guy is a sleaze. If you don’t want to be in a committed relationship then don’t get married. However I also don’t buy the reason she went snooping is because she found a condom. I also have to wonder about the intellect of a woman inviting a bisexual man into her bed with her and her man. It’s just shocking people assume if a guy is into girls he can’t be into guys too.
Chipper
Oh the questions we come up with. She said, they did, he did, she is upset. Once a guy has been with another quy, they are never the same. either they like and continue or stop. Its the same way when teenagers have sex, if they like it, they will do it again. because it was pleasurable. Anything pleasurable is done again, they repeated the 3 some, so she got the both of them, while husband could only have her. That would seem odd, but if that was what was agreed to. He may not have thought about being with a man sexually, but it happened. He watched and might have got aroused by the presence of a man with hard on. she/they were not ready for the outcome. Yes, Pandora’s box was open. once opened, it will never be the same between them. They have to talk. they entered into an area they were not prepared for. There is a lot of questioning when things happen. Maybe a good counselor should have been talked to. Maybe they would have been saved some ruff times. Good luck
Aires the Ram
@Chipper: You said: “Once a guy has been with another quy, they are never the same.”
You are absolutely correct. As is the rest of your post. But the above mentioned stands out like a neon sign. Thanks for posting.