Hi Jake
My husband and I have been together for 11 years and our love is still very strong. There’s just one teeny tiny but also very LARGE problem. I am the, um, girthiest guy he’s ever been with. In the beginning, this wasn’t as much of a problem. With enough booze and poppers (and lube!), we were able to have great sex for hours at a time. Then about a year ago, he gave up drugs and alcohol entirely. Being sober has helped him tremendously… except when it comes to our sex life. He says he can’t bottom anymore because he can’t relax and it causes too much pain. Obviously, I don’t want to hurt him, but I also can’t go the rest of my life without ever topping again.
From Top to Not
Dear From Top to Not,
How about we take this to the next level?
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I want to first congratulate your husband. Getting sober when you know your life is out of control is a courageous and brave accomplishment. That said, it can definitely change the dynamic in a relationship. Some couples have a rude awakening that they don’t have as much in common without the partying component. Others have to work through a shift in how they spend their free time, if they aren’t constantly out at the bars.
The good news is, in your case, the love is real and transcends that aspect of your life, changing only your dynamic in the bedroom. I tend to feel we can work through sexual difficulties with respect, honesty, trust, and compassion, as long as the love for each other is there.
The question is how? First, it’s important to understand the concept of erotic plasticity. This is the degree to which the sex drive is shaped by social, cultural, and situational factors. In your case, your sex drive towards your husband has changed due to a situational factor. That’s completely OK, and not your fault. You enjoy indulging in your BDE, and you shouldn’t have to relinquish or suppress that part of yourself. Sexual dynamics in a relationship should evolve and change, otherwise, we lose the excitement that “newness” brings.
They key to moving through a sexual roadblock like this is communication. Talk to your husband. Let him know your concerns, your desires, your disappointments, and do so in a loving, respectful, and non-blaming manner. Simply by having that conversation, and hearing his response, the paths forward may actually begin to show themselves.
For example, your husband may say that he’ll try to practice, to see if he can get comfortable bottoming sober. You may want to start with a sex toy that is easier to handle, or even increase the amount of foreplay and titillation of that area of the body before you want to “go all in.” If it’s hard for someone to relax, allow more space and time. Reduce the pressure to “perform.” In fact, you could even set the stage by saying you are going to do everything BUT have penetrative sex, to take that pressure off of the table. Ironically, he may actually be able to finally relax then, and ultimately want to try it.
If the above strategies don’t work, that may warrant another conversation, akin to “What do we do next?” If partners deeply love each other, they would want their partner to be fully satisfied, so perhaps he would be OK with opening up your relationship, in whatever way works for both of you. It might give you the opportunity to get your needs met by someone who’s able and willing to handle you, and it wouldn’t involve cheating or hiding that from your husband. He may even enjoy getting off to the idea of it, joining in, or satisfying some urge of his own.
If an open relationship isn’t something you’re comfortable with, what other ways could he satisfy you that might fulfill that desire of being a top? Maybe oral penetration, additional sex toy options, or simply indulging in fantasy or adult videos might suffice, so that it’s not a deal breaker in your relationship.
Perhaps most importantly, it’s key to have an outlet (therapist, community, or friend) to talk about your frustrations, without putting them onto your husband, or shaming him for not being into something he once was. He’s now his true authentic self as a sober person, and he’s rediscovering his sexuality in a new way. Ask him if you can go along the ride with him, exploring, communicating, and trying new things, so that you can both get closer towards satisfaction.
Remember, sexuality constantly evolves and changes, so what you or he like today may not be what gets you off tomorrow. Having large girth is a privilege, so enjoy it the best way you can that is both authentic to yourself, and your partner.
Jake Myers the Founder of LGBTQ Therapy Space , the first LGBTQ-owned and operated national platform for teletherapy. He has a Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy, and is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in both California and Florida.
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Donston
Someone having to constantly be high and/or drunk to comfortably sexually engage with you is not a great sign longterm. But also, many people are still incredibly ignorant when it comes to understanding the variety in male same-sex commitments. Some couples are comprised of two “tops” or two “bottoms”, and they indulge their sexual positions with others. In some male couples one or both parties regularly indulge sex with women and/or trans people. Some couples never indulge anal penetration and only do oral or frotting or mutual masturbation. Some couples have one or both parties who are either a-sexual, have a low sex drive, have erectile issues or who sexually non homo leaning, and they end up not indulging much sexual activity at all. Homosexuality, same-sex preferences, same-sex passions, gay love, gay commitment is not monotonous and not mostly about topping or bottoming. However, if he really is unwilling to take it and you’re unwilling to compromise an in-depth conversation needs it be had.
Neoprene
Thanks Mr. Pedantic!
ShiningSex
become versatile or get someone new
Donston
You have very basic view of sexuality, relationships and love and seem to thing everything is about sex. It’s getting tired.
Donston
Your type of mindset is a percentage of the reason why guys are afraid to keep it real or afraid to really confront their issues and insecurities. It’s almost as bad as the rhetoric from basic “straights”. You think everything is about attractions and sexual behaviors. You refuse to acknowledge the individuality of sexuality and sexual journey. You refuse to acknowledge the gender, sexual, romantic, emotion, commitment spectrum. You have no sympathy for anyone’s internal or external struggles. I may be cynical and hard-nosed and too academic, but you on some basic troll shit.
As far as this relationship goes, it can definitely come to an end if his partner absolutely refuses to try to get more comfortable bottoming, doesn’t want him hooking up with others and if sex is pretty important to them.
twomen4u
My husband and I have been together for 20 years and married for four. I am versatile and he is a bottom. I am afraid he is remembering me when I had a large girth and I am not sure I am satisfying him. COMMUNICATION in any relationship is the key. We had talked about it and when I top him as my urges are still very strong, he tells me he is remembering me the way I was. With that in mind, I do whatever is necessary to make sure he is satisfied. We have added toys to our mutual satisfaction, mainly his, and with communication, we are still happy and together. So take it one day at a time.
Inspector 57
twomen4u, I’m glad you two have worked it out. Best wishes to you both!
If you happen to see this delayed response, perhaps there’s a way you could explain how a guy can lose so much girth that it is noticeable to his partner. There are probably many ways that I’m unaware of, I suppose. Just wasn’t aware of that phenomenon. Thanks.
bachy
Sobriety changes people a LOT. Partners often long for the day an addict becomes sober, but are caught unawares when sobriety brings with it a whole NEW set of relationship issues.
Sexual compatibility is fundamental to most people’s romantic relationships. If the recovering addict has lost interest in the basic sexual dynamic that underscores their connection, I don’t think there is much hope for the future of this union.
firebolt87
It doesn’t sound like the (ex-)bottom is the one who has lost interest. As far as we can tell from the letter, he’s okay with them foregoing anal (or possibly switching roles). It’s the top, the one who wrote the letter, for whom anal is apparently a deal breaker.
Chrisk
If he needs drugs or alcohol to have sex with you he may just not be into you that much.
Not like there’s not tons of willing bottoms out there. Find one that wants to join in or on the side. I know lot’s of couples that do just that.
If he’s not open to that then not much else to say.
GlobeTrotter
I’d be very concerned if a partner needed drugs or alcohol to perform sexually – there could be a whole can of worms lurking behind that drama.
As for the current performance issues, they need to come to a decision about how important the physical act of love making is in their relationship. I’ve known gay couples in exactly the same predicament who decided to have an open relationship as a matter of practicality. They still deeply love each other, but they’ve given each other permission to satisfy their physical needs with third parties. Jealousy plays no role in such a scenario.
Another possibility is a numbing gel I’ve heard about but unfortunately I can’t recall its name. This gel supposedly numbs or relaxes the anal muscles, rendering anal sex painless for the passive partner. I have no idea if this is an over the counter gel or if a prescription’s required, but I’ve heard about it maybe two or three times now. It supposedly makes sex a lot more enjoyable for passive partners who have difficulty relaxing.
radiooutmike
There are a number of OTC lubes that do have, I believe, lidocaine, in them.
I’ve tried a few (all bought at Amazon) and they are very good. They do numb you up, so they’re really good if entry is painful for you. But you would be better off practicing relaxing your anus with small toys and gradual pressure.
When you do use them, you have to realize that can also mask some serious conditions, that would otherwise cause you to stop copulation and reassess.
SFMike
Back before sex apps replaced gay bars we didn’t have this many problems as everyone didn’t have to have to be designated as a top or bottom. You met men you were attracted to and you got together and did what felt right at the time. You actually had some contact with them physically before hand and not a chat and a picture. You had an idea of who you were going home without the shock of opening the front door and finding that the chat and picture were all lies. Since sex has become like ordering a pizza the whole dynamic has been distorted and adventure ruined. There is more to being a gay man than being a top or bottom but it’s hard to get that across to the younger generation used to takeout sex.
Creamsicle
Lol, takeout sex. You’re right. Hookup apps have made sex so easy it’s practically like getting UberEatsMeOut.
All of my gay dating has been post-app and dating site, but even as recently as 10 years ago, guys were more open to exploring and having sex with the man in front of them instead of shopping for the perfect porn fantasy and then shooing them out for the next.
The convenience of hookup apps are toxic because it makes people disposable. Why question what it is you’re seeking in a person by getting to know them over time when there’s another hot young thing down the street who’s looking for sex and ticks more fantasy checkboxes on your list than the last guy?
bachy
@SFMike: great comment!
Consider This
SFMike and Creamsicle – pretty much right on the money!
ardeshmole
SFMike you are 100% right I feel the same
Creamsicle
Isn’t this what butt plugs are for? I really hope so, because I need something to help my hole stay more open for my girthier sex friends.
firebolt87
Maybe I can’t have an objective view of this because I’m a side, not a top/bottom, but… this really strikes me as “first world problems”. This guy, if we take him at his word, is in a happy relationship, something so many of us long for, and he’s complaining because he doesn’t get to have one particular sex act? Jeez. Be grateful for what you do have. Plenty of other ways to enjoy each other in the bedroom.
Also, as already written here if his husband was dependent on booze and poppers to “perform” in bed, that really doesn’t sound healthy (physically OR emotionally). He should not make the husband feel bad about the fact that he kicked this obviously bad habit, quite the contrary.
Creamsicle
When sex is good in a relationship, it feels like it’s just one part of a relationship. When sex is bad in a relationship, it becomes the main problem of the relationship. What good and bad sex are is very individual, so while you would be perfectly happy without penetrative sex, not every person feels the same way.
bachy
@firebolt: As another “side” or versatile, I agree with your assessment, I enjoy over 10 sexual positions! 😉 But it appears to me that a vast majority of our peers have cemented an identity around a “top or bottom” binary and seek partners who specifically complement a fixed role. Although I have my theories, I’m not sure how or why the binary has become so embedded – but I try to accept it as the current reality and am resigned to taking these identities into account as I navigate the sexual jungle.
Joshua333
Divorce that weak little bottom.
CityguyUSA
Surprise him with poppers.
duke4172
HE may be doing drugs without your knowledge or he is cheating on you! If I were you I would do some detective work and find out!
basils_Herald
Everything the article recommends is a good place to start. Yoga asanas: cat/cow, childs pose and downward dog. Stability in your core and lower back is essential if you’re going to relax and stretch the sphincter muscles in the rectum. Try eating vegetarian like 1/2 the week and drinking a litre of water a day.
Neoprene
As yoga masters are fond of saying: Strong core makes good whore.
basils_Herald
Never heard that before but I’m going to file it away
Stan H
Just be honest with him. Also as a sober man myself (25 years) bottoming is not difficult all the time. When he rejects you all the time you feel unwanted and maybe you are sexually speaking. Always be truthful with him how you feel.
Pier
Well I never…. well I did one time but just to get enough money to get home
Neoprene
The booze and drugs masked his lack of attraction for his man but enabled him to take that big girth member that he craves. The answer is easy: Get back on the booze and drugs and ride that member like the cowboy junkie you are!
FRE0
Anal sex has always been around, but it has not always been popular.
In the early 1970s, The Advocate, a national gay newspaper here in the U. S., had a personals column for guys seeking partners. They even specified what kind of sex they wanted. A few wanted anal sex (either top or bottom), but far more wanted oral, JO, or frottage. For reasons that I do not understand, that has changed. It appears now that a majority of gay men simply could not live without anal sex. That is especially unfortunate since it is via anal sex that HIV is transmitted. If the preference shift to anal sex had not occurred, HIV would be far less of a problem.
We should try to understand what has caused the preference shift to anal sex and see whether something can be done so that more guys will be satisfied without it.