A married woman whose husband can’t quit watching gay adult videos has appealed to famed UK advice columnist Dear Diedre for help. It sounds like she needs it.
“Dear Diedre,” the anonymous woman writes. “I sometimes wonder if I’m enough for my man because he chooses to look at gay porn most days. I’m a woman of 45 and he’s 50. He told me he had an affair with a man when he was at university but he says he loves me and feels secure with me.”
“We do still have sex a couple of times a week,” the woman continues. “I have a condition which affects my mobility so I can’t get around as much as I used to. I love watching quizzes on TV, so while I watch those, he’s in the bedroom pleasuring himself to gay pornography. He doesn’t even hide it now. He does it five or six times a day.”
Related: She found gay adult sites on her husband’s computer. Is he secretly gay?
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“I don’t want him with me out of duty and, deep down,” she concludes, “I think he’d rather be with a man.”
As always, Deidre offers her gentle but firm advice.
“Sexuality is on a sliding scale and we’re all somewhere along that line,” Deidre observes in her reply. “Your husband gets a thrill from watching gay men, but this is now an addiction. Porn is designed to be addictive – that’s how the film-makers profit from it.”
“Pornography blunts the appetite for real sex with a partner and this is where relationships often become unstuck,” Diedre continues. “You might not be up for swinging from the chandelier but you do your best.”
Diedre goes on to offer the hotline for a relationship counselor and recommends her own self-help writings.
Donston
She kinda told her about dimensions of sexuality, fluidity, and the gender, sexual, romantic, emotion, commitment spectrum. But she failed to actually give her any real advice, just told her to read some more of her writings.
Honestly, masturbating 5-6 everyday on a regular basis is troublesome. You don’t have anything else to do? That not only sounds like an addiction, it sounds like hyper sensitive sexuality and perhaps constantly looking for a distraction from something.
edensasp
Irony… “I love watching quizzes on TV” , so while I watch those, he’s in the bedroom “pleasuring himself to gay pornography.” LOL…. Reads like he doesnt like watching quizzes and she doesnt like watching gay porn. Looks like they need to find something they both enjoy watching together…..
DennisMpls
@Donston I don’t always agree with everything you say, but I’m glad you’re usually here to explain the complexity and fluidity of sexuality and romantic attraction. (A similar complexity exists for almost all situations and issues in human life, though most people seem to want to turn everything into a binary. But that’s a subject for a different thread!) It blows my mind that people keep asking and saying things like “is Shawn Mendes gay?”; “Nolan Gould should just come out already” (since of course a male doing a pole dance MUST be gay); etc.
The bottom line here is that we don’t really know anything about this guy’s sexuality, apart from the fact that he’s not exclusively on either end of the spectrum. And we know that there’s a problem in the marriage because of his gay porn activities. Your advice to her was very good, saying that she should “try to have an earnest conversation with her husband about sexuality, the spectrum, potential internalized phobias and insecurities, past experiences and traumas, hetero pressures and expectations.” Of course, to have that be successful would require that he be open to looking at those things with her, and that she has the understanding and knowledge to ask the right questions.
Donston
That’s where the “advice” fell flat. She basically just told her that her husband has a porn addiction and that she should read a book. There was no real advice there.
Honestly, I feel a lot of these questions from these columnists are just clickbait/tactics to self-promote.
pugdad
One of the silliest questions I’ve seen. The reason I never watch lesbian porn (significant shrinkage) is that it holds NO interest for me. He watches gay porn because he likes homosexuality. I don’t know or care where he is on the spectrum, but that doesn’t change his attraction. And, no person is enough for another person. That is why, even in a monogamous relationship, we watch porn, fantasize about others, or at least notice other people in a sexual way. I would feel insecure if my partner was watching women, because it is something I cannot offer, but no one can change their sexuality.
Donston
A lot of self-described “lesbians” watch plenty of gay porn, often with their female partners. And yes, some dudes with overall homo leanings do wank-off to lesbian porn or to trans porn. What you wank-off to often doesn’t tell the whole story of your “sexuality”. Sexuality is a combination of arousal, attraction, desire, passions, who you like pleasing, fetish, enjoyment and your overall sex drive. While it can have contradictions and fluidity. And the gender, romantic, sexual, affection, emotional investment, commitment spectrum is wide and varied.
The woman seems aware that her husband is in the “queer spectrum”. And she’s okay with that. The problem is that he’s wanking off 5-6 times a day and that she feels like he’d rather be a guy.
The advice columnist tripped up and made the lady sound silly and decided to self-promote instead of telling her to try to have an earnest conversation with her husband about sexuality, the spectrum, potential internalized phobias and insecurities, past experiences and traumas, hetero pressures and expectations.
winemaker
Is this lady kidding asking this question? Her husband’s gay or has gay tendencies. The story doesn’t mention how long they’ve been married and something like this should have been brought up before they got married. Not to be flip, but she should get tested immediately for STD’s as her husband might be leading a secret life and having sex with men on the sly
Jeffrey
You can’t possibly know a person’s orientation from this post. He likes to watch gay porn, but I know straight women and lesbians who also like to watch it. That does not make them gay men either.
The assumption that all gay men are promiscuous and can’t be monogamous is an insulting stereotype.
CatholicXXX
He masturbates five to six times a day and he’s in his 50s?
HenryHawke
I’m 66 and my sex drive is as strong as ever. Since I’m housebound, Hanna and her 5 sisters are my only means of relief and that’s a minimum of 6 times a day. I’ve got no idea how long this will last but I intend to enjoy it for as long as possible. Oh, and while I didn’t have the words for it at the time, I knew I was gay at the ripe old age of 4 so…….
splitta
Terrible advice from the columnist. Let’s call a spade a spade and nothing but a spade. That man wants it up the a** and everywhere else. His dream come true will be an orgy with 6 men or more. my cousin is in the same situation. He can’t get it up. He watches gay porn with his wife to get it up. And talk about slow, at least this woman telling the story is being honest with the situation. my cousin’s wife still has no idea despite the evidence in her face. Don’t expect them to stop with the gay porn, not gonna happen. The columnist should have said “An important decision needs to be made” and not some fairytale what she wants to hear. These men are attracted to men to the Ultimate power and yes they do prefer being with men than women. And they will have their cake and eat it too and then some if you give them airs. Which clearly has already happened. The truth may hurt but clarity is the only way for peace of mind.
Jeffrey
I find the fact that you know about your cousin’s sex life and ability to consumate a relationship far more disturbing than this letter.
Doug
Hello, of course he’s gay! He’s masturbating to gay porn 5-6 times a day and can’t get it up for her unless he watches it? Not only that, he’s had a relationship with a guy in the past? It’s only a matter of time before watching porn isn’t enough for him and he’ll move on to the real thing.
Bastiani
I must say, it sounds like he’s got a lot of stamina. I find people’s sexuality so interesting because it is so multidimensional. For instance I identify as gay, but I also write stories for a fetish genre and actually prefer the male/female scenarios. No idea why. This guy likes to think of himself as hetero enough to live with and have a relationship with a wonderful woman, and yet he’s turned on mostly by gay porn. It’s so wonderfully human to be perverse and full of contradictions.
Donston
Your scenario is quite a bit different. Plenty of “gays” write hetero romantic/erotic fiction. That’s standard. Now, if you were strictly wanking off to lesbian porn 5-6 times a day then there might be something slightly more unusual there.
I do get what you’re saying though. The problem is we don’t know anything about these people beyond these basic details. The issue seems to be less about him wanking to gay porn and more to do with him seeming to have an “addiction” but also the wife’s insecurities as far as whether he’d rather be with a guy. We don’t know the dimensions of this dude’s sexuality, what fluidity he may or have have not experienced, his mental health, whether he contends with some issues of hetero expectations, internalized phobias, gay shame, male/masculine insecurities, where he is in the gender, sexual, affection, emotional investment, commitment spectrum. So, it’s really hard to make assumptions to draw comparisons. All these advice columns can do is spark conversation.
BoomerMyles
Guy’s a pole swallower.
inbama
Cumming five or six times a day at age 50?
Can you image what he was like at 18!
sfhairy
Yes, Susan, yes it does mean your husband is gay.
hansniemeijer
The agony aunt is called Deirdre, Queerty. The guy might be masturbating a lot but does he has an orgasm every time? Watching gay porn does not make you gay. I watch str8 porn but it will never make me str8
bachy
Life can be messy if our our public persona doesn’t line up with our sexual fantasies. But it’s almost impossible to achieve perfect synergy. Sometimes our public self can only represent an approximation of our sexual desires.
GayEGO
Her husband must be gay and he is giving her a hint!
ShiningSex
He’s obviously into men as well. Porn is about attraction and fantasy. Some gay men watch straight porn but it’s because of the men or the fantasy of being that women (for some) getting banged by THAT MAN.
gaym50ish
It’s true that we should imagine sexuality on a scale as Kinsey depicted it. But calling it a “sliding scale” plays into the hands of the homophobes who see that explanation as proof that we CHOOSE our sexuality and can change it at will. We can’t. No matter which end of the Kinsey zero-to-six scale we’re closest to, we didn’t CHOOSE to be there.
humble charlie
Most marriages after many (too many) years are not sex-based anyway, so, as long as he pays the bills and effs her, what’s the problem?
He probably knows he has no chance with the young guys he’s watching. The best he can do is be a sex-crazed voyeur. Salut!
MISTERJETT
i like watching straight porn. does that make me straight?