Raising My Rainbow is written by the mother of a slightly effeminate, possibly gay, totally fabulous son. She’s chronicling their journey on Queerty right here. Read up on RMR‘s cast of characters.
“Social Services should take your child away, you are encouraging him to have a paraphillia. I’m calling them right now to tell them you are forcing him to wear girls clothing and making him play with dolls all because of your agenda. Every objective person could see it’s not (the) child who wants the dolls, it’s you who wants your child to want dolls. Sad and pathetic. There’s nothing wrong with a kid being gay and liking dolls, but is something wrong with forcing it upon him, you terrible mother.” —Queerty commenter Joe
I have to be honest, I read all of the comments on RaisingMyRainbow.com, but I don’t read all of the comments posted about Raising My Rainbow content on other websites. I can’t, because sometimes they are too hurtful. My audience isn’t everybody. I understood that when I started writing last month. When I set out to write about my adventures in raising a slightly effeminate, possibly gay, totally fabulous son, I wrote down a list of promises to myself and — most importantly — to C.J. I also made a list of things that I was committed to being mindful of. When I read some comments or get some e-mails, I have to remind myself that I promised:
• To remember that I’m not here to prove a point, I’m here to share a small portion of my life. If I get people to stop and think along the way, that’s good, even if the thoughts I’ve inspired aren’t what I would expect or hope for.
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• Not to write and publish things in the heat of the moment or out of defensiveness.
• That some commenters and/or subscribers are going to be gross, tacky and reveal themselves to be the kind of people that I need to protect C.J. from and teach him about.
• To be more patient than I am generally programmed to be.
Having explained all of that, I can say, comfortably and confidently that I do not want my son – either one of them — to be gay. Some people have suggested otherwise.
I am a mother. I have the same primal wants for my children that every parent has: health, safety, length of life, etc.
I want my sons not to have an easy life with the best seat on the gravy train, but I’d like the challenges that they encounter in life to be fair, surmountable and just frequent enough to make them strong, courageous, intelligent men. I don’t wish for them to have to endure unnecessary hardships in life. I don’t wish for them to suffer from prejudices against them that are based on things out of their control.
I want them to be great people with enough competitive spirit and self confidence to drive them to follow their passions and excel at them — whether it’s hairstyling, serving their country, the performing arts, or driving trash trucks. Just enough competitive spirit and self confidence, but not so much that they risk meaningful relationships and become all encompassed by their own self-righteousness. May they never feel that true fulfillment is unattainable.
I want them to fall in love with their whole heart … more than once. I want them to have a significant other in their life that fills them, completes them and isn’t out of compromise, ambivalence or apathy. I want them to have someone that they want to care for and who wants to care for them. I want them to have a moral compass that works better than my own. I want them to know right from wrong, consider other people’s feeling and the consequences of their actions. I want them to be men who do the right thing simply because it is the right thing to do.
These are the wants that I have for my sons. I don’t want them to be gay. I am not raising them with any great hopes that they will love men and we will be unique and I can feel trendy flaunting their sexuality.
If they are gay, I have all of the same wants for them. But, I will be saddened, realizing that they will have to endure hardships, struggles, judgments, and taunts that they haven’t earned, but that will be bestowed on them simply because of who they were created to love. I may cry in private. I may worry more excessively. I may feel that they have been dealt a fate that is not always just or right.
More than that, I will fight for them with a love and loyalty that is so strong it will never be broken. I will support them and their partners and their rights as if they were my own.
Decades from now when someone asks about my son’s wife or girlfriend I will not be ashamed or be engulfed by a moment’s hesitation when informing them that there is no wife or girlfriend or woman in the world that would make him nearly as happy as his fabulous partner.
I want my sons to know a world and life that allows them to walk in the sun, follow their fancies and explore unhindered by the phobias of any group. May they never feel small.
I don’t want them to be gay. If they are that doesn’t change a thing. What I really want is for them to be responsible, successful, competent, smart, confident, caring men (they’re already handsome as hell, so no need to add that to the list). No mother would wish extra and unjustified hardships on their children. We try to fix what is broken, and to some in this cruel world to be gay is to be broken.
I’m not trying to make C.J. something that he is not. Quite the opposite. I’m trying to celebrate and support C.J. so that he knows that he is free to be exactly who he was made to be.
Mitch
I’m here for you and support you completely! Some people only want to cause trouble, and they should be ignored by the likes of wondrous people like you.
Cam
“”If they are gay, I have all of the same wants for them. But, I will be saddened, realizing that they will have to endure hardships, struggles, judgments, and taunts that they haven’t earned, but that will be bestowed on them simply because of who they were created to love.”””
__________________-
True, but you could paint others with the same brush…
If your son has been born a woman he would be much more prone to having a violent crime committed against him. If your son had been born a minority there would be people who would hate him for how he was born. If your son was born with a facial birth defect like a port wine stain, he would be made fun of etc…
So yes, your son may have some issues with others if he is gay HOWEVER, and I think many of the folks on here would agree with me, the main area of stress for gay kids, is the fear of coming out to their family and friends. You have taken that stress away from your child, and that is a wonderful thing if he turns out to be gay.
GetBalance
I get mom is not being judgmental or homophobic, she is just wanting less struggle for her children which is truly admirable. However, all people endure struggles and many gay people have no struggle with sexuality and lead great lives. So if her son is gay, he might have a different set of struggles that have nothing to do with his sexuality. Goes with being human.
So in her defense, id say if her son is gay and struggles with it harshly, so be it, it is just the struggle he has and not another that could be just as difficult.
I would paraphrase her comment “I don’t want my son to be gay” with “I don’t want my son to be gay if he has to struggle with sexuality”. I think that is what she is really saying here. Because bottom line all of us struggle with something, be it weight divorce death addiction popularity age looks etc. We all pick our poisons and so will her son. So he being gay or not, makes in the big picture, no difference as to what hangups he chooses. And all of us seem to saddle ourselves with at least one.
Shannon1981
I am glad for this post, because I have to admit, whether you meant to or not, sometimes the ‘Raising My Rainbow’ series has come off like you are prepping your son at such a young age to be this wonderfully fabulous gay man, when nobody can possibly know WHAT he will grow up to be on that front right now.
I appreciate your sharing. Thanks for that. I also wholeheartedly admire that neither of your sons will have any issues with your accepting them if they DO turn out to be LGBT. That is a basic need- acceptance of family- that many of us will never have fulfilled. Thanks for being a great mom.
Spike
I hope the kid grows up to be a raging heterosexual and a fabulously successful clothing designer ! ! !
Soupy
Yes. Thank you. I think the most important thing to any parent should be a healthy and happy child. And I don’t think we ever give our moms enough credit. I never had to come out to my mom. She died before that could happen. But I remember when I decided to leave school for a year and I was so afraid to tell her. I eventually spit it out and she said to me “All I care about is that you are happy. If that means digging a ditch, I’m fine with that.” It was the most important thing that she ever said to me.
Right Wingers Are Socioptahs (John From England)
I guess you hope your son never marries an immigrant women either because of all they hate he will get.
Sigh.
As a black person, big SIGH but then I am liberal lefty and not right wing conservative like this woman who is going to make her child feel like a second class citizen at home.
Nice but you did word it up nicely, so props.
It’s like that pastor with a smile who says he will pray for you to change but that you are going to go to hell and I dont want that….
Fitz
It’s just not in the range of the things you can control. It’s just that simple. The things you can control are his sense of safety, integrity, and his ability to seek love and joy. Focus there.
greenmanTN
This blog, the “Princess Boy’s” mom, and the Daphne Halloween Costume mom have made me think about my own assumptions, check myself for biases and question my reasoning. I still don’t know what I think yet so I’m not gonna say “You GO, mom!” OR “You’re doing the wrong thing!”
My initial reaction was negative. Somewhere in my thinking was the concern that by giving positive reinforcement to “cross-gender” interests a parent might cause or encourage later gender dysphoria, a desire to be the other sex. I don’t know.
Is that crazy?
Part of the problem is that these blog posts seem to me to be very narrowly focused and the parts you talk about are ONLY the ones which fit a certain stereotype. The photo accompanying this post shows what is presumably CJ and his brother fishing. But we don’t see any other side of him than what you present, which is all Princess! Princess! Princess! It’s not a very rounded picture we’re getting. What about other his interests or skills that don’t fit the “fabulous” stereotype? Does he have those too?
And I have to admit I have a bias against the whole “Princess” thing, even for girls. I assume Disney and others have updated the characterization of princesses (I haven’t seen the movies), but I still associate them with pre-Feminist learned helplessness, a simpering brand of “femininity” that’s artificial to begin with.
That said, I can also remember specific instances in my childhood when my parents squelched interests that weren’t the “right” kind and I think parents should encourage instead of discourage. The thing I’m having a hard time determining in this blog and similar stories is the line between encouraging behavior and perpetuating it, or even if that matters.
Scott Bonzitski
Why would anyone not want (that IS a difference to not care) their child being gay or lesbian? There are worse things to worry about. Murderer, republican, prostitute, etc… Most parents would care less about their loving child being of born sexual orientation, being happy and living a good life than some of the previously mentioned items don’t you think?…SB
irisgirl
Bless you, CJ’s mom—–I hope and pray that all your wishes for CJ come true–gay or straight or anything in between——-just as I wish and pray for a wonderful life full of love and full civil rights for all of my gay loved ones and friends, colleagues, neighbors and acquaintences, and all others….
rodca
It’s true C.J. may have other life challenges that may have nothing to do with his eventual orientation. I have read all the posts in this series and am convinced that whatever those challenges may be, he will have the love and support of his family to help hum through the chsllenge.
rodca
opps hum=him, chsllenge = challenge
AncientLeaves
@Right Wingers Are Socioptahs (John From England): I think you have entirely missed the point of this article. When this mother says that she doesn’t want her son to be gay, she means she is not working toward a goal of making him so. As she says, she wants her sons to be happy, healthy, and every other thing that a good parent wants for their child. When she says that she will be saddened by the hardships he faces that does not mean she would love or support him any less if he is gay.
“More than that, I will fight for them with a love and loyalty that is so strong it will never be broken. I will support them and their partners and their rights as if they were my own.
Decades from now when someone asks about my son’s wife or girlfriend I will not be ashamed or be engulfed by a moment’s hesitation when informing them that there is no wife or girlfriend or woman in the world that would make him nearly as happy as his fabulous partner.”
Does that sound like a woman who will demean her child for being gay? I don’t think so.
Ryan
I just want you to know that I think that you’re a wonderful mother and you’re doing a great job raising both of your children. Thank you for sharing your story with us because it shows people what we should be doing.
kernelt
don’t you worry Mom of Raising My Rainbow about some jack ass pig who in no mean the validate of how you wonderfully raise your children in a loving and open minded family. I too was once hoped that I could have a family like that until recently I realize I’m living such a live when My mother openly supported my coming out with comfort words that no matter what a son she had she will always have a son.
Lamia
CJ’s mum, I know what you are saying and I think you are doing the best for your son, and it’s great to know you will love him whatever. You sound like a wonderful mum. Bless you and your family and ignore the haters, espically those uptight gay men who have a problem with femininity.
Kieran
As a Mom, you should do everything in your power as a citizen of our country to SMASH HOMOPHOBIA wherever you find it and in whatever guise you find it. Make that one of your life goals. The country has made tremendous progress in the past quarter century. Resolve to join the struggle to do more. Your sons are very fortunate that they are growing up in a brand new century where there are many terrific and courageous OPENLY gay role models for them to learn about and relate to, for example:
Chad Allen
Nate Berkus
Brendan Burke
Mario Cantone
Richard Chamberlain
Neil Patrick Harris
Steve Kmetko
Reichen Lehmkuhl
Thomas Roberts
Glen Scarpelli
Anderson Cooper
David Geffen
David Kopay
Lance Bass
Shepherd Smith
Johnny Mathis
Ricky Martin
Jonathan Knight
Jim Swilley
Gareth Thomas
Donal Og Cusack
Tab Hunter
Elton John
edgyguy1426
Anderson Cooper? REALLY!?!? SHEPHERD SMITH? LOLOLOL Oh my sides are hurtin’ now! LOLOL
Like the message, but the examples, LOLOL oh I gotta pee now.
Mark
You are a wonderful mother and those who would ridicule you, suggest your are less than a wonderful mother, it is their loss. Your sons are, in my estimation, two of the luckiest little boys in the world!
hephaestion
I think every good mother would say the same things that Rainbow Mom said here. Indeed, all of us gay folks would say the same thing.
However, when you do survive the hell that the world creates for some of us who are gay, and are able to miraculously hold on to a sincere love for life in spite of it all, there is a realm of reality that you understand which almost no straight persons can grasp. And that is a blessing which makes me thank God that I was made gay.
I am certain that some Jews who survived the Holocaust have reached a similar state, as have others who survived all manner of hellish situations. All of these situations are unique and are like comparing apples & oranges, but there is as common thread. However, if Rainbow Mom’s son is gay, he will never endure the worst level of Gay Hell, because he will have had her support.
hephaestion
@edgyguy1426: Edgeyguy, are you uunaware that Anderson Cooper & Shepard Smith are gay? I thought everyone knew that by now.
Oprah
Well, we all dont get what we want, do we? Your son will be what he was born to be, whether you pray or cry.He could grow up to be an effeminate straight man or an effeminate gay man. Either way,i dont care.Hypothetically, if i did care, i would advice you to love and raise a decent humanbeing. Not a citizen of the world or a serial killer. And stop describing your son as ‘effeminate’. If you begin his life with a ‘label’, what stops others from labelling you as the ‘mother of the effeminate’ son. Concur? Have a good one. 🙂
DavyJones
It’s quite strange how many of you (who commented anyway) either didn’t read the entire article, or have serious reading comprehension issues…
Chris
@DavyJones: Agreed. There is a definite problem with education level among the commenters.
I will spell it out for y’all.
She gives a list of things she wants for her son. She wants him to have all of those qualities.
P.S. She implies those are the only important qualities.
She then goes on to say that she wants her son not to be gay, not because it is immoral or wrong, but because it will make their lives harder for something that is an immutable characteristic. (Immutable can be your word of the day. It means unchangeable in this instance.)
She sees how hard gays get treated in this world and would like for her son to avoid those troubles.
She then continues that if they were gay she will continue to love them and she will continue to hope they have the same earlier mentioned qualities (remember the list) because those are the only things she truly wants for her children.
However if child = gay, she realizes that she will probably worry more for the child (in private…so that they will only see her support and love) because of the discrimination that they will face for simply being born the way that they are.
You are a hero, a scholar, a saint, and a role model. Continue the good work. I am gay, but I hope to be a father one day. I hope I can have the courage/stamina to be as good a parent and as involved as you are in your child’s life. I wish for the day when I will worry for my own kids for whatever I see as an obstacle for them, as you are doing. Congrats again for just being you. Many people might not get that, but screw them because they clearly are just as misinformed. (I know I will be doing the make your own BDay cake party (idea from disney…geniuses) at some point for my kids because that is just awesome!)
Remember everyone else – we are only seeing her point of view of what is going on. we are only seeing her worries and fears and unflagging support. and many times with the written word, it is easy to misunderstand or miscommunicate what is written. She seems like she is doing the best anyone can and she is doing way better than most. WE SHOULD NOT BRING OUR OWN ISSUES to her writings. many of you have had problems in the past and are trying to understand her by aligning her stories with your own issues. So, do not do that. Just see what is there. Not what you assume is there. Assuming makes an ASS out of U and ME. ASS U ME.
ewe
@DavyJones: Funny how you love to keep coming back to this blog to associate with all these so called challenged comprehenders huh MONKEE?
Kenny
Those who don’t have kids will never understand what she’s talking about.
djdavi
After reading this woman’s blog I have to wonder if some Queerty visitors have even read the article fully.
Every gay person has hardships of prejudice no matter if its tiny like a snicker when they do something stereotypical. Or huge like a gay bashing.
She was just saying she would be saddened that if one of her children were gay, that they might have to deal with stuff they don’t deserve.
Queer as Folk did the real mother thing when Michael started seeing Ben who was HIV+:
“Debbie: So? I don’t want date him with someone who’s sick.
Vic: Who said he’s sick?
Debbie: I knew I couldn’t talk to you about it.
Vic: So negative people shouldn’t be allowed to date positive people? Is that it?
Debbie: Don’t twist my words!
Vic: Then what do you sayin’?
Debbie: He’s my son. I don’t want him getting anything! I never thought I’d say this. But for the first time in mylife, I wish my son wasn’t gay.”
When you love someone with your entire being, you don’t want them to endure pain that you can’t take away. No parent is 100% happy they have gay kids, that will only happen when gay people are no longer the target of hate.
beergoggles
How can anyone think u can raise a child to be gay? What a stupid proposition. Were any of us raised to be gay? No, we were raised to be straight or beaten or mindwashed to be straight and we still ended up gay.
And unless commenter Joe to can cite scientific studies that conclusively demonstrate which childhood triggers induce paraphillia, he’s a bitch without a clue; just like Dr Phil and all those other psychiatrists who are really no better than homeopaths or faith healers, because they have no idea wtf they are doing.
CJ’s mom – u go girl; u don’t have to defend yourself to any of those illiterates.
Oprah
@djdavi
And you are missing my point. Of course, no one wants their son to be gay. That point has been established. My only beef with the mother is–she is uselessly musing on things she cannot doesnt have control over. Whining about it would not fix her effiminate gay. Sitting and regailing us that you are a former ‘gay son’ supporter–doesnt also change the situation.
“But for the first time in mylife, I wish my son wasn’t gay.”
OK,point taken. Can you snap back to reality now? Its like a mother of a visually impaired son stating—‘Oh i wish my son wasnt blind’. I mean, seriously? Is that musing healthy? Responsible?Its like saying, ‘oh i wish my son not crippled or handicupped because they would rob away parking spots for other people, and thereby garner some resent or hate. Ya feel me? lol
djdavi
@Oprah:
I am in reality. My example of QAF was simply to show how many mother’s react INITIALLY to their child possibly struggling with something that the parent has no control over.
You took things to the extreme:
“Its like a mother of a visually impaired son stating—’Oh i wish my son wasnt blind’. I mean, seriously? Is that musing healthy?”
Well actually all parents of disabled children have that. But they don’t wallow in it. They don’t spend excessive amounts of time wishing their child was different. When things happen, for the sake of your example, a blind child falls down a bunch of stairs. The parent will have that feeling and thought. But they don’t spend time on it.
You really seem not to have read what she wrote, you act as if she would try to change her kids if they were gay.
“I may worry more excessively. I may feel that they have been dealt a fate that is not always just or right. More than that, I will fight for them with a love and loyalty that is so strong it will never be broken. I will support them and their partners and their rights as if they were my own.”
Read a little better next time Oprah… you’re supposed to have a book club.
Matt Cummins
This is really beautiful. I’m a 26 year old gay man who had very little difficulty coming to terms with his sexuality. I was raised by my single Mother who has never been anything but a wonderfully supportive force in my life.
I came out to her aged 14, she was stacking towels into the linen cupboard when I did so. I remember being so nervous that I’d trailed around the house after her for half an hour, clearly needing to tell her something but not able to find the words.
When those words finally came to me, I remember her turning around and smiling at me, “I don’t care if you’re gay, Matt. I will still love you, I just want you to be happy.” Hearing those words from my Mum validated me in a way I can’t even describe.
I remember a couple of years later when my Mum picked me up from the house of a friend and we had an unusually candid conversation in the car on the way, this post reminded me of it.
My Mum said “I can’t say that I’m not disappointed that you’re gay, but it has nothing to do with me not condoning your lifestyle. I just know how difficult life was for a lot of my gay friends growing up, and I’d give anything for you not to have to deal with that. I will stand by you through whatever, but I wish you didn’t have to face the ignorant prejudices of others.”
I remember it brought a tear to my eye. My Mum is one of my heroes, she’s always been there for me, and I know she always will. She imbued me with the self-confidence and drive to experience all that life has to offer in my short time on this earth, and the strength to be true to the person I am, and to strive to live up to my own ethical standpoints. I’m thankful for her every single day, even if I sometimes forget to cal her for a week or two. 😉
To the author of the blog: I believe you’re doing a wonderful thing by letting your child forge his own path and supporting him every step of the way. Thank you for showing him that there’s nothing wrong with being yourself, so long as it harms nothing more than other people’s warped sense of acceptability.
– Matt
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