“I Love My Gays” And Other Things Straight People Should Never Say

man woman gay girlOver on, lesbian member Chloe has had about enough of straight friends spouting certain things about the LGBT community. We’re not talking hate speech, but rather the well-intended but thoughtless things people who think they’re allies sometimes say.

Like us, Chloe doesn’t have time for straights who think dating is easier when it’s with the same gender (as if):

“Men are so awful/confusing/difficult, I wish I was a lesbian. It would be so much easier.?”

In what universe are women simpler than men? I’m not trying to go all ya-ya sisterhood; I’m just asking. Do you honestly believe men are more complex than women? Than you? Would you date you?

We thought this one died out when Sex and the City went off the air:

Using the possessive. (“I love my gays!”)

A member of the majority using the possessive about any member of a minority is always, ALWAYS a social faux pas. No matter how many sexy duct-tape-covering-mouth pictures you pose for, we are not owned or even indebted to you. It’s fabulous that you support gay rights, but not actively oppressing someone does not make you their owner; it makes you not a horrible person. Do you refer to African-American friends as “my blacks”? Yes? Please stop immediately.

There is such a thing as TMI for gays:

“Oh, you’re a lesbian? Well, one time I got wasted and let my lesbian neighbor go down on me.”?

Sometimes I feel like straight people mishear, “I’m gay,” as, “I’m kinky, promiscuous, and down hear every drippin’ detail of your odious fuckery.” Perhaps you should all see some type of hearing specialist.

And our favorite:

My gay friend _____.

You mean your friend?

It’s a humorous, though provocative piece. Read the full post on XOJane.

What straight-people habits drive you nuts? Or is there something LGBT folks do to straight people that gets your goat? Share in the comments section!

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  • fredo777

    Thank God someone else said it. I loath when some straight chick tries to carry me around like a small dog in her tote bag. I have had several tell me that they always wanted a “gay best friend” to go shopping with + I am quick to put that shit in check. I am nobody’s novelty item or accessory.

  • Eric Auerbach

    Well, there goes Kathy Griffin’s career.

  • Barry

    I think this article goes a bit overboard on some things. Especially with “my gay friend”. We need our straight allies to remember that we are gay. We want them to know our plight so they stand with us. When they are fighting for equality with us they are standing with their “gay” friends. Not just any old friend. If you are really offended if someone says ” I love you and you are my gay friend” I think they are saying they accept us for who we are. It is not a negative. Also, when my friends say they “love the gays” they are saying they love and want the best for all of us. I think intention matters. Some things I agree are inappropriate but for me….I want my friends to know I am gay..that I am different but deserving of equality. Our differences are what makes us who we are. I am proud I am who I am and I am proud my friends can recognize they have a gay friend. They know me and will be there to support me, my partner and our gay brothers and sisters in this fight for equality. We need our straight allies!

  • Barry

    Too many people are already afraid to say gay! We do not need our allies feeling that way and we need their support. Gay is nothing to be shameful as long as equality is intended when you use the word. Come on Queerty…Yes I agree with some of your inappropriate comments but to be afraid to say “gay friend” instills that their is something shameful about saying the word gay. I do not want that message to be sent to my friends…do you? Plus we still have to gain equality. When we all have equality and gay does not matter then I will say yes…you can be just a friend. But until then we want our straight allies to remember we are gay friends…and we have still have to fight for equality in this world.

  • T7

    Give me a break. The “I love my gays” comment is benign and isn’t really uttered that much. My high school was VERY liberal and I’ve heard that phrase once in my life. What I’m surprised DIDN’T make this list is “That’s so gay.” THAT needs to go. You will hear people say they don’t aim it at homosexuals at all. Hence, your racial comparison is more appropriate here. No one would ever say, “That’s so black.”

  • redcarpet

    Kathy Griffen gets a free pass. It was the only one issued by GLAAD on a hand engraved gold plaque in 1997 and is still valid.

  • Eric Auerbach

    @T7: “That’s so gay” is number 7 on the list.

  • fredo777

    @T7: Please. “I love my gays”, “I love gays”, “I love the gays”, + the sentiment behind that statement is not at all rare + I’ve encountered it plenty. Regardless of whether the person saying it has good intentions or is an ally, I always find it condescending. I feel like you can show your genuine support as an LGBT ally without making comments like that + plenty of folks do. No excuses.

  • IzzyLuna

    Good article yet I must say…on the subject of getting laid it’s MUCH EASIER to be a gay man. My straight best friend, Todd, is so envious at how easy it is for us…cause, frankly it is. Men don’t care where you work, what your name is, etc. They want you to come over, bang the hell out of them and leave. No chatting, no after-sex-cuddling, just fuck and leave. And we love that about gay men.

    Relationships…well, that’s different. In that aspect we’re exactly the same. It’s tough.

  • QJ201

    I’m really fucking tired of some blogger on some website read by tens of people telling me what to think.

    I’m even more fucking tired of blog editors thinking they somehow carry the torch for all things gay.

    and FYI Ms. Chloe with an umlaut, Kathy Griffin has been saying “my gays” since before you had your first same sex crush. But I guess that is lost on you, because KG means my “Gay guys” (who show up in droves for her shows) and not “lesbians” who are widely purported to have no sense of humor. At least according to some blogs I read on the internet.

  • CaptainFabulous

    Oh look, another female blogger telling me what I and other should think, say, and do.

    Here’s an idea: shut up. No one asked for your opinion to begin with.

  • Eric Auerbach

    @CaptainFabulous: Would it make you feel better if the blogger was a little less vagina-having?

  • CaptainFabulous

    @Eric Auerbach: It seems like it’s the ones with vaginas are the ones that keep trying to tell people what’s acceptable to do or say, or getting all bent out of shape over the most stupid things (straight or otherwise). I don’t ever see male bloggers do such things.

  • BritAus

    I’d rather hear that they love us, than hate us.

  • BrianZ

    First, I have no intention of reading the article. Just from the snips provided here, I’d likely rage.

    “I love my gays” is awesome. So is “my gay friend”. Being silent and invisible is DEATH. Being silent and invisible means that we acknowledge we are unwholesome and should be relegated to the shadows. Having an ally who is willing to put their 2-cents out there and say in front of whomever else that they love us and support us completely, not “in spite of”.

    For all the gay allies out there … don’t listen to some bitter, raggedy bitch tell you it isn’t ok to love your gays (out loud and proud) because we love you too.

  • fredo777

    @BrianZ: Can’t speak for the author, but I’m not bitter or a bitch (in the female sense or otherwise), certainly not raggedy, + I still don’t get why you think “love my gays” is acceptable, simply because it’s a nicer alternative to “hate the gays”. Saying I love the gays or even “I love gay people” is about the same to me as a gay man as someone telling me “I love the blacks” as a black one. Simply put, not all “gays” are alike, so when you say you love the gays, it’s like saying you love some cookie-cutter, generalized concept of what you see as gay. Which is silly, to be honest. Do you, for sake of argument, love the gay person who also happens to be a murderer as much as the gay philanthropist, activist, or other do-gooder? Do you love flamboyant gays as much as “the quiet ones” or moreso? Gays who will shoe shop with you or only ones that will do your taxes or fix your computer? Like I said, most of the time when I encounter folks who talk about how much they love gays, it is accompanied by some notion that we are a monolithic entity, trendy + “fabulous”. Not always, but too much of the time.

    Having outspoken allies who acknowledge their support for our community/equality is not the same thing as saying how much you “love the gays”, generally speaking. Even as a gay person, I don’t profess my love for every gay person on earth, sight unseen. I love some gay people, dislike others, as with any people. If you said “I love my gay friends/family”, that’s different, at least, because those are individuals whom you have an actual knowledge of/connection with. My two cents.

  • kurt_t

    It disturbs me that some heterosexual person might read this ridiculous semi-literate twaddle and think that this represents the thinking of most or many gay people. Don’t say “guy friends.” Don’t say “girlfriends.” Don’t say “my gays.” Don’t say “bromance” because it’s “the least interesting pop culture phenomena[sic] since the pet rock.”

    What absolute nonsense. I have a lot of heterosexual guy friends. I have a lot of heterosexual girlfriends. Here are some things we’ve joked about in the past three weeks…

    going gay for Ethan Hawke
    the Village People
    what’s the Gayest casino in Las Vegas, MGM Grand or Mandalay Bay?
    gay men with crushes on k. d. lange
    buttless chaps
    why Dog the Bounty Hunter is the gayest TV show ever
    the gayest moments in Superbowl history
    the gayest car
    the gayest National Park
    the gayest cartoon character
    Valley of the Dolls.

    We all had a lot of fun. Nobody’s feelings got hurt. Nobody oppressed anybody. Nobody was a victim.

  • MK Ultra

    IMO the list is hit and miss.
    Personally, one that straight guys say about gay guys that is really annoying: I’m OK with gay guys as long as they don’t hit on me”

    So because you’re attached to a penis you think you are irresistable to gay men? Some of these guys need a reality check. Talk about undeserved ego.

  • CaptainFabulous

    @fredo777: That was really more like $2.50, not 2 cents. Way to take a simple friendly term or gesture and attempt to deconstruct it into something evil. Y’know what’s worse than a woman who uses the term “my gays”? The self-hating gay who can’t accept what he is and that a community really does exist outside of his own little closet.

  • fredo777

    @CaptainFabulous: Chile, please. That just means you got more value than what I actually promised. Lucky you.

    It’s no more a simple friendly term when it’s used to describe gays than when similar terms are used to describe any other group, as in the example I gave before. And, as for the usage in an ironic, funny manner (as in the case of Kathy Griffin + “her gays”) that is obviously used jokingly, which is a completely different topic altogether. I’m talking about those people who use similar phrases + mean it seriously.

    As for “self-hating”, I will assume you are speaking generally, because there was nothing in my statement to suggest that I have a problem with other gay persons (not because of their being gay, at least, but gay folks can be douchebags just like everyone else as we’re all human + I judge on an individual basis) or being gay myself.

  • BrianZ

    @fredo777: There is a clear difference between “I love _the_ gays” and “I love MY gays”. If you can’t figure that out (let alone read what someone actually writes versus what you want them to say to fit your idea of how the world works/people think), well, then that’s on you. I stand behind what I said.

    “If you said “I love my gay friends/family”, that’s different, at least, because those are individuals whom you have an actual knowledge of/connection with.”

    Actually fredo, that’s exactly what I said. Reading really is fundamental.

  • CaptainFabulous

    @fredo777: Can I get a refund? Cause I really don’t want to pay for your pseudo armchair psychoanalysis and obvious personal issues.

    Sometimes a tree is just a tree, not a forest. People like you seem to forget that.

    And for the record, I’d have no problem with someone saying “my blacks” in the same manner in which they would say “my gays”. The fact you see such things as insulting and derogatory says a lot more about you than you think it does. And not in a good way.

  • fredo777

    @BrianZ: “First, I have no intention of reading the article…”

    @BrianZ: “Reading really is fundamental.”

    Really, dude?

  • fredo777

    @CaptainFabulous: “Can I get a refund?”

    No, but you can have several seats. Indeed, the fact that I find patronizing statements patronizing says everything about me that I want it to say. If after the clearly illustrated examples I’ve laid out to make my point you’re still on this “can’t see the trees vs. the forest” kick, that’s your own issue.

  • CaptainFabulous

    @fredo777: Maybe you should discuss your oversensitivity with your therapist. I’m not getting paid enough to diagnose your problems.

  • BrianZ

    @fredo777: Whatever. I’m guessing from this brief exchange you don’t find yourself on many people’s “I love” list anyway, at least not in any deep meaningful way. I should have known from your protestations that you were not a bitch or bitter, let alone raggedy.

    Good luck to ya, dude.

  • fredo777

    @CaptainFabulous: Har. Nice try at deflecting, but I don’t have any problems with oversensitivity. I just call it like I see it + if I find something demeaning or condescending, I’ll call it out. Just going with the flow of whatever folks choose to say to/about you regardless of the situation/context does not somehow make you more enlightened/evolved.

  • CaptainFabulous

    @fredo777: Actually, it does exactly that. There is nothing to be gained by getting bent out of shape and having hissy fits over stupid shit. It’s just immature.

    If you’re really that hypersensitive to such things there is a deep-rooted psychological issue going on. I really wasn’t kidding when I suggested you take it up with your therapist. You’ll be happier in the long run.

  • fredo777

    @BrianZ: Actually, I’m on quite a few “love lists”, not to brag or anything. I’m told as much fairly regularly, but that is really beside the point. If you don’t have a problem with someone reducing you to “their gay” or “a gay” (which they love, a whole, whole bunch, for some reason, even if they don’t know you), it’s all good. I don’t feel the same. Diff’rent strokes.

    And to your earlier point, I understand that “love the gays” is not the same as “love my gays”, but I was speaking not only to your comment (which wasn’t exactly saying it’s okay to refer to loving your gay friends/family, but also talked about allies not remaining silent, etc, etc) but the topic of referring to the “love of gays” as a whole group, in general. They’re somewhat separate terms/scenarios, but still connected. As I said in my very first comment, my grip is moreso with those who use “love the gays” for folks that they don’t really even know/assume are a certain way or another or those who use “my gays” as possessive, but not jokingly.

  • fredo777

    @CaptainFabulous: “Actually, it does exactly that.”

    It really doesn’t. Voicing an opinion (even a heated one) about a subject (regardless of whether some other random person thinks it’s insignificant) is not the same as having a “hissy fit” + if anything, the immaturity comes in trying to dismiss anyone who disagrees with you as having a temper tantrum or needing to seek therapy. But, I’m over this particular exchange. As you were.

  • fredo777

    * gripe

  • gaym50ish

    “Dating,” as such, may not be easier for gays, but getting to the bedroom certainly is. Did you ever hear of a man who wouldn’t kiss on the first date? Straight men may have that problem, but gay men don’t.

    Gay men are able to skip the candy and flowers because both parties are horny men, and they know from the first kiss that they’re going to end up in the sack. If it’s strictly casual sex and not a potential partner, gay men can even forego the cuddling and romance and go straight to the genitals.

    We are often criticized for being promiscuous, but it’s because we’re men — and because BOTH partners are men — not because we’re gay.

  • irisheyes4you

    Yes, it’s always good to have straight friends who are willing to stand by you, when you need them and they appreciate it. Straight people who ask, “I think you’re great, wonderful person” will you be my ‘gay’ BFF. It’s because I am gay that they want to be my best friend. Someone they can talk to about guys, someone they can “go shopping” with etc. It’s almost like a novelty, something they must have, want to have. Yes, I will be some straight person’s friend, male or female, but not because I am gay.

  • Siva

    I’m also not going to this article. I can only control ME.

    As for controlling you (yes you, whoever’s reading this)? Of course I can’t. I wouldn’t want to if I could; I don’t want that kind of responsibility!

    I DO think that anyone who DOES want that sort of responsibility ought to consider getting a puppy, since it’s the closest situation in reality to having a living being that a person can control absolutely – and if you’d rather not, I’m pretty sure that’s because of exactly the responsibility I don’t want. If you DO want a puppy, I’m sure there are lots to adopt at your local animal shelter.

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