I’m just going to spit it out: I was on a reality show. I’d rather reveal the most intimate details of my sex life (I haven’t had any in 46 days) or that delightful feeling I get when taking a good shit (self-explanatory) than talk about this. The only saving grace is that it wasn’t one of those “I’m-not-here-to-make-friends / It-is-what-it-is” competition reality shows. As if that helps.
The Adam Carolla Project aired in 2005 on The Learning Channel. Not only was I Adam’s real-life assistant, but I played the role on the show, too. It’s not a closely guarded secret, like the time a man gave me 100 dollars to suck my dick in a deserted parking lot; it’s just information I typically choose not to divulge.
In the timeline of reality programming, Adam’s show came after Anna Nicole but before Kathy Griffin. It was a point in time when eyes didn’t automatically roll at the idea of another senseless reality show.
I used my middle name instead of my last name, as a fuck you to my biological father who I hadn’t seen or spoken to in 13 years. I had a romantic notion that he would see me on TV and come crawling back to me like some long-lost sixth cousin thrice removed to a lottery winner. I did feel like a lottery winner: I was Charlene and the Chocolate Factory. I had the golden ticket.
Only five years ago, TLC was what Adam referred to as “deep cable,” way up high in the channel numbers. I referred to it as “The Ladies’ Channel.” It has since evolved into “The Leper’s Channel,” with its multitude of midgets, half-ton teens, and often violently deformed network stars. And those Jon and Kate persons.
Either way, it seemed unlikely that Adam would successfully elbow his way in among multiple babies and 160-pound tumors. If you want success on TLC you need a handicapped parking permit — at the least, you have to qualify for pre-boarding on planes. The show was doomed from the start; Adam was too able-bodied for TLC.
The premise of Project was simple: Adam was flipping his childhood home with his band of merry construction worker friends and upon completion, he would try to sell the house for a profit. Yes, Bravo’s Flipping Out completely ripped him off.
Every person on the show fulfilled an archetype. There was Ray, the man-child; Ozzie, the zany foreigner; and Gary, the quiet man missing a finger who lived in a trailer with his daughter and liked guns. I was just another colorful accessory there for B story; gay was my shtick as straight was Adam’s shtick. I wasn’t the kind of gay the producers expected: I was queer, a modern gay, and a revolutionary who honored my identity at all costs. They were expecting some non-threatening Queer Eye. I wasn’t there to help straight men be cute — my intention was just the opposite, actually.
Keep in mind, I wasn’t an actor. I didn’t audition for the role. It was an assistant job with an on-camera catch. Look at me! I moved to Hollywood without a headshot and cut in line ahead all of the pathetic losers dying to get 10 seconds on TV. How classic. This was my gay revenge for the years of torturous oppression. I knew God felt bad.
As Adam’s real-life assistant, I had the opportunity to be privy to the show’s development. Early on, I was CC’d on an email from the Story Editor with possible show topics. Like this one:
4) ADAM TRIES TO BUTCH UP HIS NEW ASSISTANT MATT AND TEACHES HIM HOW TO ACT MORE MASCULINE. COULD BE A “BIRD CAGE”-TYPE SEQUENCE IN WHICH ADAM SCHOOLS MATT IN ALL THINGS BUTCH. COULD INCLUDE A BOXING LESSON.
I had no problem demonstrating my lack of masculinity; that is not an affront to me. I knew Adam wouldn’t put me in a situation purely to embarrass me — he tends not to rely on the obvious to be funny, despite what you saw on The Man Show. And why shouldn’t Adam show me how to play butch as well as he plays it? That is what he built his career on, after all: his brand of overt heterosexual masculinity.
The next show idea pissed me off, though.
11) AFTER ALL THE RIBBING MATT GETS – (AND WE KNOW HE’S GOING TO GET IT) – HE DECIDES TO PROVE TO ADAM JUST HOW GOOD AN ASSISTANT HE IS AND WIN ADAM’S CONFIDENCE
I quickly alerted everyone on the email list (including the executive producer, a one Jimmy Kimmel) that there would be no stories centered around Matt-ribbing. This made me a big hit with the production team, because you know higher-ups are dying to hear what the assistant has to say. I was subsequently reminded that even though I was on camera, I was still an assistant.
I didn’t understand the Hollywood power structure. The most successful Hollywood assistants are impervious to pain; they keep their mouths shut and say yes to every request. It took me the entire length of my time with Adam (and some post-reflection) to get the mouth-shut thing.
After a few episodes of the show aired, the Washington Blade, “America’s gay newspaper of record,” wrote a scathing review. Of me.
“Adam and Steve,” written by some guy named Brian Moylan [Ed: Moylan is now an editor at Gawker], was published in the Nov. 5, 2005, issue.
In addition to charging me with “accentuating and exaggerating my mannerisms,” Moylan reamed me for being a “court jester,” “a stereotypical gay prop,” and a “gay class clown.”
Another article published that month from the same paper lumped me and Sean Hayes’ Will & Grace character, Jack, together, as “effeminate gay stooges.” The self-hatred overwhelmed the senses like the ammonia emitted from a rotting fish. (I recently ate some bad sea bass.)
I had made appearances on Adam’s short-lived Comedy Central talk show, Too Late, and on Loveline. In his article, Moylan made reference to the Halloween episode of Too Late where I was followed with cameras to find Adam a Halloween costume. We did a remote feed from the costume store to Adam in the studio with his guest, Dr. Drew Pinsky from Loveline. Moylan claimed I “camped it up so Carolla and Pinsky could take eager potshots at just how gay [I] act.”
There’s nothing wrong with being effeminate, but Haber allows himself to fall into the trap of accentuating and exaggerating his mannerisms to get a cheap laugh from straight guys in a lame attempt to be accepted.
This is especially evident on “Project,” where Haber prances around construction sites trying to fit in with the rough and tumble crowd.
Haber needs to stop playing the gay class clown. And Carolla needs to take a lesson…and accept gay men as a part of his team, not as court jesters or stereotypical props.
In truth, the only potshot taken at me was by Dr. Drew, currently America’s leading celebrity rehab doc. Dr. Drew asked if I was going to be a fairy for Halloween. I responded, “Look who’s talking, Drew.” The audience roared with laughter.
Adam is a tepid man. I witnessed the occasional moments of pure warmth and delight and more often, moments of perturbation.
I would watch from the landing as Adam came home from work, waiting to tell him that day’s events. Adam’s portly yellow lab Molly would wiggle her way to the door, losing her mind, as Adam threw his hat off, plopped his keys and phone down on the table, and fell to the floor to roll around with her. I was always jealous of that Molly.
As one would expect from a wordsmith, Adam could go off on a motherfucker and take said motherfucker on a rickety county fair roller coaster ride of nausea-inducing tangents that would leave even the most resilient motherfucker a frazzled mess. He was NTBFW. (That’s: not to be fucked with).
Getting a hearty laugh from Adam was the best reward next to getting his priase. I recall two big laughs I got from him: One was when I was testing jokes on him for an impending stand-up show and said I was going to write a restaurant rating guide called Faggots (pronounced “Zagats”). The second was when I said he should put an eye patch over his dog’s abnormally large asshole. In fact, I read an article about him this year in Los Angeles magazine where he repeated that same joke.
I was flattered knowing that he (perhaps subconsciously) stole my joke.
Adam reads people quickly and my guess is that he pegged me for exactly what I was: one of those fatherless gay boys. In some ways I was as transparent as the sex worker who’d call into Loveline only to have Adam ask who molested them. And he was usually right, they had been molested. Adam would indulge me every now and then and take me to a concert or just let me pick his brain. One time, I asked him to sign an autograph for Lil’ Kim that we could send to her in prison. I made him write “Keep your head up,” as a veiled reference to the Tupac Shakur song of the same name.
When my time with Adam came to an end (and by an end, I mean he called me and told me it was the end—something about pissing Jimmy Kimmel off one too many times), I had to go to his house to collect my things and return his keys. I didn’t use the remote to get past his gate; I pressed the call button like a FedEx guy. When I got to his front door, I rang the doorbell like a production assistant delivering a script.
Adam came out with an envelope of the earthly possessions I kept in the home office: a Japanese fan from my Thai massage place and photos of us backstage with Tori Amos.
All of my fucking daddy issues bubbled up like Charlie in the fizzy lifting drink room of the chocolate factory. I broke the rules and was kicked to the curb. No lifetime of chocolate for my ass.
I thanked Adam for everything and stared at the ground forlornly. “Come here and give me a hug,” he said, indulging me one last time.
How about we take this to the next level?
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ggreen
Adam Carolla has always seemed very gay adjacent to me (Dan Futterman only even more hairy). I even sort of liked his boxer movie The Hammer in a catch it on late night cable kind of way. Carolla is like Téa Leoni he has to have a chance grow on you.
Fitz
So, what do you want? A pass for having scratched your head and danced while they played the organ?
rudy
I could never stand watching Carolla.
He’s like Andrew Dice Clay lite.
AlwaysGay
Brian Moylan was right. You tried to be the gay class clown, doing things that would bring you pseudo-acceptance from heterosexual males. As long as a gay person is silly, docile and subservient heterosexuals are fine unless they completely hate gay people.
Rick
@AlwaysGay:
Did you read Matt’s article? His point is that he effeminate and so what! Why should effeminate guys alter their natural behavior to please more butch gays?
You accuse Matt of seeking the approval of straight men but aren’t you more of an assimilationist by admonishing Matt for not being a straight-acting gay man?
So, are you the kind of person who blames effeminate gays like the late Lawrence King for deserving to be assaulted?
Cam
Ok, so this happened in 2005….and……..
Since twice int he article you mention getting back at others for past injustices you will probably be happy to know that “Windows Media” which owns the Washington Blade is in receivership and dealing with Bankruptcy issues.
But in all honesty….you were an assistant. It isn’t just “Hollywood Assistants” that keep quiet and don’t embarass their bosses…it’s any GOOD assistant.
Leo
The real problem is with the way you chose to define sexual orientations for everyone “overt homosexual femininity? . . . overt heterosexual masculinity”
Many heterosexual men are very effeminate, surpassing the average drag queen on her wildest night out, as they putter about life.
Many gay men are orders of magnitude more masculine than Adam Carolla, frankly. He came off as insecure about himself, extremely needy, in short, with all the masculinity of a 4 year old child.
You demonstrated overt femininity, Adam demonstrated, or parodied, a childish version of masculinity, and neither of you represented any particular sexual orientation.
As for the poor me crap – you got paid to be in the public eye. You didn’t quit your job, so quit your beefin’
j
I for one, liked this article. Everyone else fuck up. It must be soul destroying to write an article and have everyone flame it like they did. I hope this guy keeps writing for queerty, which needs more editorials. Great article.
Cam
@j: You said “I for one, liked this article. Everyone else fuck up. It must be soul destroying to write an article and have everyone flame it like they did. I hope this guy keeps writing for queerty, which needs more editorials. Great article.”
____________________________________________
Yeeeeaaahhhhhh Soul destroying.., except for the fact that he says things like this:
“I was on a reality show. I’d rather reveal the most intimate details of my sex life (I haven’t had any in 46 days) or that delightful feeling I get when taking a good shit (self-explanatory) than talk about this.”
or this
“I used my middle name instead of my last name, as a fuck you to my biological father who I hadn’t seen or spoken to in 13 years.”
or this
“It’s not a closely guarded secret, like the time a man gave me 100 dollars to suck my dick in a deserted parking lot.”
So in one fell swoop I know more info about this guy that I do about many friends I’ve had for years. The guy is obviously desperately hungry for attention and willing to say or do just about anything to get it. He didn’t need to tell us how long it’s been since he had sex, that he loves taking a big shit, that he hasn’t spoken to his father in 13 years, or that he whored himself out for $100.00″ yet he included all of it.
This guy is like when you get a new job and some co-worker you just met tells you in the breakroom all about how they are in AA or how her father molested her when she was younger.
Sam
Love Adam. Nice to hear about your time with him. The Man Show is not an accurate portrayal of him.
joegagan
great article. i really felt your pov. you have a nice, honest writer’s touch.
Jason
You should not be hated. You should be beaten severely.
Benjamin
I have seen this gay on gay homophobia, by which I mean the inclination of some gay men to alienate and ostracize the effeminate male (or God forbid someone dress in drag), first hand, and I have always found it disturbing. It gives me a feeling like they are embarrassed by the overt femininity, and the “bad name” it gives to the community. Do we all have to dress and behave like Log Cabin Republicans to be socially appropriate? Don’t we get enough crap from straight people without oppressing ourselves? Isn’t that sort of like poking ourselves in the eye? Why should guys have to hide or repress of otherwise feel ashamed of their innate femininity? It would be like coming out of the closet, just to go into another one.
I saw The Adam Carolla Project, and as Matt points out, all the figures on the show were archetypes. Those who mistake reality television for actual reality are most probably mistaken. Liked the article. Hope Matt writes again.
Fitz
@Benjamin: In principle, I agree- but in this case, he is being taken to task not for being fem, but for having danced the role for the straights, so they could enjoy him. It’s the equiv of Jigabo performance.
Mike
Matt,
Enjoyed the article. Thought you were great on the TLC show.
No one is going to accuse Adam of being “A Great Guy” but it seems as if he had genuine affection for you.
Life is short and you are talented. Make the best of your gifts.
mostafaalhafez
i love the program this good thank you for working group queerty
milhouse
The whole article and this pathetic minstrel dancer made my flesh crawl. Please go back under the rock you crawled out from.
verybookish
Never watched Adam Corolla, but I liked the article.
offenedfag
Wow interesting reactions to the article. I thought it was a funny read. In its way its touching honest and vulnerable. On the other hand I think the writer is defensive about camping it up for the show. He is missing the point and sadly he was gay clown. You see the other archetypes are totally free and equal under the law. In this country, right to marry in nyc or not, gays are under attack constantly and not free and equal. I dont blame him for taking the role / job and being all those boys bitches which he was… cuz he needed to survive. Its not owning up to it that well written or not is kind of lame. He danced for them and he fought a little I guess enough to piss off that toad Jimmy Kimmel, who deserves success like deserve a modeling contract, it certainly doesn’t make him a freedom fighter or a radical queer in my eyes. Its disapointing at this point that he doest have a more critical eye on his role as gay bitch to these lame asses. I mean if Adam Carolla tried to hug me i would shim that bitch so hard. get over the daddy issues and be as radical and feminine as you want but know when your working for the “man”. Adam Carolla is a rancid homophobe and racist asshole and if it not really who he is just how he gets ratings then he is even worse a pile of shit. What Adam needs is a good ass whooping at the hands of some big tranny killas. The writer of this article just needs some therapy and a larger pair of nuts
Alfonzo
@rudy:
While I can’t say that I hate Adam Carolla (actually I don’t have strong enough opinions about to have an emotional response), I will say that I don’t care for him. I couldn’t figure out why until you said this.
Gaytorium
This is a great piece and it certainly makes me dislike Jimmy Kimmel (although I wasn’t much of a fan to begin with). However, my opinion on Corolla is now divided after peviously disliking him quite a bit. I think he should’ve told Kimmel to stuff it and not fire his assistant but it doesn’t seem like he was an overly mean person either.
Kenny
Speaking as a father, I can say that Adam Carolla is the type of guy you pray that your daughter never, ever marries. If she does, they will eventually be living in your garage or basement and your daughter will be working a series of dead end jobs while he sits on the couch drinking beer, farting, and masturbating to porn.
The author of this piece is the type of guy you pray that your son never, ever marries. If he does, his life will be filled listening to the bitching and whining of someone who just wants to be himself while he denies others the right to be themselves.
All in all – I’d keep my kids away from both of these lunatics.
PoolGuy
Really Kenny? Because that makes you sound like a total moron. In actuality, you are the type of person no one should want their daughter to marry. Adam loves his family very much. He has a wife and twin kindergartners. Everyday, he tells stories of the happenings in his home, and often lets his sentimentality escape through his gruff persona. You, on the other hand, make your judgements on people from what you see on tv and in tabloid journalism. Get a clue dude.
And when your daughter brings home a date for the first time, don’t judge him from his opinion of the latest episode of Tosh.0. Because that would be simplistic and ignorant, wouldn’t it?
Wha?
I sure as well wouldn’t want PoolGuy to marry any one of my kids. He’d probably be caught having an affair with Adam Corolla.
Kenny
PoolGuy – How do you know Adam “loves his family very much”? Because he says so? Because all straight men do? So, which is the real Adam – the loser he publicly plays or the heterosexual in touch with his “sentimentality”? One is a fake – guess the question is which one and why fake “reality”?
PoolGuy
I know because I listen to him everyday. You said you were a father. You don’t think people can tell that you love your kids? You speak like an idiot. I’m surprised you’re old enough to have children. Maybe you should spend less time on Perez Hilton.
Adam does not discriminate towards gays in any way. He is pro gay rights, and marriage, and every other thing. He often compliments gay culture and jokes that gays should move in and gentrify bad neighborhoods. The author of this column, Carolla’s former assistant, is fond of him, as is Adam of Matt. To this day he tells funny stories about them working together, including the time they went to the Tori Amos concert together(and probably proceeded to go home and make sweet love.)
Adam does run his mouth about a lot of things, of that there is no doubt. But he is no biggot or homophobe in any way. You called him a loser. He made 2 million dollars last year, has a wife and kids, owns millions in real estate and a super garage full of sports cars including about 10 Lamborghinis. I’m sure your doing fine as well…
If it is not obvious, yes I would have an affair with Adam. He is number two on my list behind Rachel Mcadams. And for the record, I found my way here because I liked Matt on Adam’s TLC show, and thought he was funny. Whew, that got way out of hand. Seacrest out.
longyanas
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Kenny
PoolGuy – the fact you’d have an affair, pretty much sums up your loser status. Thank God you don’t have kids. And, does anybody really read that Hilton guy? Yuck.