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If Pentagon Only Protects Gay Soldiers Outed Against Their Will, Gay Soldiers Should ‘Accidentally’ Out Themselves

Homosexuals who are outed by jilted lovers or jerks who have it out for them will no longer face dismissal from the armed forces. Uh, that’s the good news the Pentagon is going to tell the Senate today during the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell hearings?

In addition to announcing a fun new “investigative” panel to see how to best go about repealing — or changing — the policy, and how it could take years, Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Joint Chiefs of Staff Chairman Michael Mullen will tell Sen. Carl Levin and his buddies about their awesome new proposal for getting gay activists off their backs.

When we heard about this back in July from Gates, we were agog; the Pentagon will immediately cease dismissals of any servicemember outed against his or her own will. That is, on its face, great news. No longer will personnel have to fear somebody else exposing the secret gay soldiers are forbidden to tell. That would help folks like Air Force Lt. Col. Victor Fehrenbach, who was forced to declare his sexuality to denounce rape allegations.

But what about all the other soldiers who, as they’ve been instructed, have kept their heads down and their sexuality out of the military? They are the ones who will remain punished until the Pentagon can finish its investigation? Bullocks.

The only solution, then, is to fully exploit the Pentagon’s plan: Gay soldiers who want to serve openly without fear of dismissal should have a buddy write a letter to their commanding officers exposing them. And, presto: They will have been outed, against their will, by a third party, and immune from being kicked out. And after having their sexuality exposed publicly, they can henceforth be as gay as they want to be, shouting their sexuality from the rooftops. Because, after all, it’s not like they volunteered their sexuality.