Hi Jake,
I’m 28 and I really want to visit a gay bathhouse. I’ve never been to one before, but I’ve always been curious about them and I really like watching bathhouse videos online. However, for some reason, I have this fear of actually going into an area of naked guys. I’m not super sexually experienced and have only been with a handful men over the years, most of whom have been 10+ years older than me. I tried going to a gay sauna once before when I was on vacation, but I chickened out at the last minute and ended up going back to my hotel room and “taking care of myself” on my own. Am I overthinking all this? Should I just do it?
Scared in the Sauna
Dear Scared in the Sauna,
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
It’s normal to be curious about having new sexual experiences. What I’m hearing, however, is that there is something getting in the way of you giving it a try, and it seems like that something is fear. I would invite you to explore this trepidation in depth, either with an understanding therapist or a close friend, to get to the bottom of whatever that fear is.
Now, you mention in your letter that you don’t have much sexual experience. Remember, even though you’re in a public setting with a bunch of guys who may be older and more experienced than you, you’re still the owner of your body, and you don’t have to do anything you aren’t comfortable with.
You could simply go to the bathhouse and watch, for example. Or have a solo date in a private room, letting yourself get turned on by the sexually charged atmosphere without having to engage in any physical contact with anyone else. There may be invitations to play, but you’re the master of your domain. If you’re not feeling it, you can kindly say “no thank you.”
Bottom line: Don’t let anyone ever pressure you into doing anything you aren’t comfortable with sexually, no matter what the setting is.
A sexual experience should be mostly fun and exciting. If you’re dreading it or if you feel like you can’t get past your fears, it’s probably best to wait a little while longer before acting on this particular fantasy. I would encourage you to explore your hesitancies with someone who truly understands, and see if they can be worked through. You’ll get to the bathhouse when you’re ready. Until then, there’s a whole world of bathhouse videos still at your fingertips if you ever feel like getting into some “hot water.”
Jake Myers the Founder of LGBTQ Therapy Space , the first LGBTQ owned and operated national platform for teletherapy. He has a Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy, and is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in both California and Florida.
Reach out to LGBTQ Therapy Space to schedule a free video consultation with an LGBTQ clinician. And don’t forget to join the LGBTQ Therapy Space community, and ask Jake a question!
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lmdoane55
GREAT ADVICE @JakeMeyers
rois4richo
Just go! You can have your towel around you and just observe. You don’t have to participate. It’s relaxing and fun.
tjack47
I’ve never been to a bathhouse. I’ve a friend who likes to go, but he lives where he can access one. I’ve been to adult theater/bookstores. I was trepidatious, but it took no time to overcome that. My case was simply fear of the unknown.
My body isn’t what the vast majority of gay men are attracted to. It never kept me from having experiences as often as I desired. I don’t associate with pretentious nor condescending people of any kind. Some people get their kicks from being insecure themselves so that they make fun of others to feel they’ve elevated themselves in social LGBTQ settings of any sort. Please, ignore them. I thought the advice in this article was spot on. I hope you figure out the fear. Everyone has it.
man5996853
I can’t click a like button so consider this a big thumbs up on your comment.
Diplomat
Everyone has fears. But don’t let them make you a loser. One of the best ways to overcome fears is to consider them mere challenges, a game, of which you can be victorious. “yes, I can do this. I’m a winner!” Fear gone. Battle won.
barryaksarben
I used to go in my long ago youth and NEVEr had any trouble with men except for one time when a very drunk guy would not take no for an answer. i tried to be polite telling him a couple times I was not interested but Im sure others would be but then when he puked on my feet I did go to the front desk and complained and htey ejected hum. Never saw anyone EVER being coerced into doing anything they didnt want to do and actually felt very safe sometimes safer than in bars.
Creamsicle
Gross. But at least you were in a place where you could clean up easily!
barryaksarben
Oh and they provide condoms for free to one and all
Preppy1000
Been to one twice. It was in Boston and called the Safari Club. The first time I really liked it. It was clean, friendly and I had an encounter with a really handsome black guy. The second time I was basically bored but did meet a handsome older man and we had fun…but that was it for me. I realized anonymous sex was just not for me. So the letter writer should go and find out what exactly they want.
bachy
I had been curious too, and finally visited one in Boston on a business trip (in my twenties). For me, the atmosphere was not erotic at all. Desperation, too many looky-loos and a major creep factor added up to a big turn-off. Just not my scene.
junior40
DENVER SWIMCLUB R.I.P. / WAS A GREAT BATHHOUSE
stan2015
Go with a friend. There is nothing to fear even if you go by yourself. Nobody will drag you into a corner and attack you. Get a room. Leave the door open, You have the light on low.. You can say yes or no to anyone that wants to enter!
zephyr69
The first time I went was many years ago in Boston. A friend took me which made things so much easier. Try to go with a friend if you can.
Gadfeal
When being gay was “illegal” and being “outed” could wreck one’s career and position in society, gay baths served an “escape valve” function. They were a (hopefully) clean, discreet adult environment where all who went had intimacy on their minds. Naked, the trappings of society were absent – just our physicality. It wasn’t a “social” gathering – although some regular denizens treated them as such.
If one did not live alone, or in a safe environment, and it was risky to cruise someone in public for all the above reasons, a “gay” bath was an oasis that was clean, anonymous and non-judgemental. In some cases, they were also restaurants, barbers, health clinics and spas. No hidden weapons and the facility of cleaning oneself before and after, plus some privacy in cabins made them ideal places to explore one’s sexuality in a hostile world.
Today, in the US and other “advanced” nations, they are not as compelling – especially for younger generations who grew up in a more tolerant and legally protected society, and, this century, have taken the social media platforms, designed for Aspergic individuals, and digitized away most “risk”.
It is also expensive to run a spa. Water, heating, cleaning (which should be with bleach several times a day, according to traffic), security, and staff all must run continuously.
The AIDS crisis of the 1980s to 2010s shuttered many gay saunas, and sex became a highly risky proposition.
The result is that the main customers of gay saunas in the US are those of the 1980s youth i.e. those 60 and older. If a 20 something gay man goes into one expecting to see the Hollywood portrayals of a paradise of handsome, buff, hung and sexy men, they are quickly faced with the reality where there may be patrons with walkers. Unless one is a gerontophile, or one uses the sauna as a neutral meeting place for an anonymous encounter (much as the “love motels” in Latin countries with rooms by the hour), I don’t see them as appealing or otherwise useful for younger gays in a large urban core.
That is not the case in “less developed” nations, where bachelors often have to live with family for social and/or economic reasons, where even “straights” resort to “love motels” to get some privacy.
Heywood Jablowme
Every bathhouse now is going to have “theme” nights – bears, cross-dressers, etc. and some will have nights encouraging younger guys to go (I don’t know if this works!). Be sure to check their site to avoid a time that wouldn’t be your thing.
Me2
There aren’t any bathhouses where I live, but there is a sex club. And contrary to popular belief, there are many hot men (younger & older) looking for anonymous sex. I actually wish there were more facilities to accommodate. My advice to the writer would be to visit one out of town in a popular city and ease into it.
inbama
Do people go masked, or are there vaccine requirements?
Inspector 57
Finally! A credible question and a thoughtful, helpful response from Jake!
(I would also have reassured/warned the guy that — as pointed out in comments above — the crowd at the local baths probably won’t look too much like the crowd in a Stallion video.)
Cato
I was also terrified of visiting a bathhouse or sex club until my late-30s when I ended up at a very stressful time in my life. I happened to live within walking distance of a club where guys kept their clothes on, which made it much more comfortable to get past my issues with body image. It was a great experience that helped me work through other issues too, especially fears of rejection. Did I get turned down by guys I was interested in? Pretty regularly. But there were lots of other guys who were interested in getting together, including some stunningly handsome men I would NEVER have felt comfortable approaching who approached me. It worked wonders for my self confidence.
That was 20 years ago and I still go to bathhouses a few times a year. My most recent experience was last Friday night at Steamworks in Chicago and I a lot of fun for a pudgy guy in late middle age. They have very strict requirements about showing proof of vaccination + booster, and also wearing a mask in public areas when you aren’t actually kissing or blowing a guy. The place is also immaculately clean, so it feels as safe and sanitary as possible.
Matthewnow
Welcome to HIV and any other STD.
theaterbloke
That is true. I used to go to Steamworks when I visited Chicago more than a decade or so ago. The facility was well kept & clean and encouraged only safe behavior. And I was definitely not much sought after and definitely not very active. And I still caught the Clap.
robertkalin
Great advice. And, I might add, if you are nervous, have a friend (who has been to the tubs) go with you. Knowing there is a friend close by might just ease the fear. From experience, a new bathhouse or sex club can be extremely exciting not know the lay of the land (no pun intended).
Random
I remember being curious about these when I was younger and eventually plucked up the courage to go on the way home from a boozy night out. The alcohol definitely helped! But once inside, my nerves melted away pretty quickly and I wondered what I’d been so afraid of. It’s not much different to going to an indoor public swimming pool, other than it’s men-only and there’s spaces to have sex.
I ended up being quite a regular for a while but eventually, the novelty wore off when I discovered naked clubs which, to me, were far more exciting. In contrast, everyone having to cover up with a towel all the time just seemed boring and rather contradictory in a venue geared towards having sex.
duke4172
Go for it But be aware alot of people go to bath houses with ulterior motives such as drug use! Go and find someone with similar interest to you and have a great time! Remember the lube and the condoms!
Leslie York
Dear Scared in the Sauna,
You’re only young once. When you pass 60 you’ll be wondering, “where did the years go?” Life is short. Enjoy yourself while you’re still young.
You shouldn’t be scared or have anxiety about your own sexuality. If you think you’re not the ideal body type, don’t worry about it. You’d be surprised. There are guys who appreciate all manner of body types and guys who don’t much care what body type you are.
Rather than fret about the sexual aspect, you should be concerned about the double whammy of covid and monkeypox. Of course you should be fully vaccinated and so should your partner be.
If the sexual aspect still gives you anxiety, you can always get a locker and relax in the swirling warm water of the Jacuzzi (which most clubs have) and chill out to the music. That alone is worth the price of admission. It’s what I do when I don’t manage to hook up. Parade around the club in your white bath towel and watch whatever porn videos may be playing.
I have been doing the baths since well before you were born in San Francisco, Los Angeles, San Diego and San Jose. After many decades I’m still HIV negative. Unfortunately several clubs which survived 40 years of the HIV epidemic have closed due to covid. Others have closed because their business had fallen off due to competition from on-line hookup sites. I don’t know where you are located so I can’t recommend a specific club.