A 31-year-old man with a wife and 3-year-old son is finally able to face the truth: he’s spent the majority of his life denying the fact that she’s gay.
What he’s having a harder time doing is working up the nerve to come out to his wife.
“I’ve been working with a therapist on this, and on Friday, I came out to my brother and his girlfriend,”axlroxdotcom writes on Reddit. “They were both super supportive and definitely helped me feel like I am ready to have that talk with my wife.”
He’s written a letter that he wants to read to her, but he keeps getting The Fear:
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“The past two days I’ve spent telling myself ‘tonight is the night,’ but once our son is in bed we’re both exhausted, and I just can’t bring myself to do it…. Any words of wisdom would be so appreciated. I know I just need to pull the trigger, but in the moment I get scared and freeze up.”
Related: This 17-year-old came out to dad — who confessed he’s gay, too. Do they tell mom?
Other Redditors have been fast to offer their advice:
“There’s never going to be a good time to have this conversation,” says biocomputation.
“What you might keep in mind, and you’ve probably thought about it a lot already, is the fact that your wife deserves to be in a relationship with someone who can give her what she needs.
Every day that you don’t tell her is another day that she can’t move forward. None of us get those days back, so the sooner you tell her, the better.”
“Just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone and there are other people going through this,”Throwaway123gay tells him.
“It’s going to really suck when you tell your wife, but it will be better eventually. Be as compassionate and as honest with her as you can. I wouldn’t immediately bring up divorce, but instead suggest couples counseling to figure out where you want to go from here.”
CountryPA advises: “If you can’t say it out loud, just leave the note somewhere she will find it after your son is in bed. And be prepared any reaction from your wife.
“You are the man and you can do this. Once you are out to your wife, this huge burden will be off your chest.”
However, jmat83 disagrees: “My advice is to practice what you want to say, but have the letter in your pocket when you tell her so if you get tripped up in the emotion and need help to proceed, you know it’s right there and you can take it out.”
“Doing it in person, verbally, from the heart is the way to go, and if you need to take the letter out, it comes off as caring enough about her and what you need to say that you wanted to get it right instead of distancing yourself from what’s about to happen by just letting her read it and having her deal with it on her own.”
Have any of you been in this situation, or know somebody who had to face this scenario? What advice would you offer this man? Sound off in the comments below!
Donston
Please stop.
djbear
I came out to myself in my late 40s but it was several years before I could work up the courage to come out to my wife. I joined a group online titled Husbands Out to Wives and it helped as guys shared their experiences. I also found a counsellor who had helped other guys come out to theri wives and although I came out to her, she did not believe or accept it so he agreed to meet with her to explain how important it was. She initially was livid but then became determined to sweep it under the rug and try to control me from saying anything to anyone. Eventually, I made the break in the marriage as if she was not going to accept I had feelings and was a person to be respected, there was no hope for the marriage. BTW, she had mental problems even before I came out to her and is now in a home.
kevins48
“she’s gay”?
Mack
As someone who had to do it in the 80’s, just sit down together and say “honey, I’m gay”. It was a little upsetting at the time, but we both moved on. Now many years later we’re still friends.
Pii
The best way to tell your wife you are gay was to tell her before you got married. Since you didn’t, you now have a wife and child, and it may, or may not be devastating to them, so
now you have to man up and tell your wife ASAP so that she can get on with her life the best she can.
Richard 55
Stop trying to convert yourself to “gay”. Gay is a chosen political identity. You don’t need to go down that path.
On the other hand, you are entitled to your homosexual feelings. Your wife has no right to be offended by them. In fact, she has no right to know.
If you feel no longer sexually connected to your wife, that is another thing. Happens all the time. You have to decide if you want to stay together for the sake of your family or whether you split for the sake of your testosterone.
robert_moore
Horseshit. Utter horseshit.
gjg64
Gay is a chosen political identity? Well I guess you could also say people aren’t born Conservative, it’s a lifestyle choice. Same with Christianity too? Or how about heterosexuality? A chosen political identity?
To quote Miss Edie…..”Heterosexuality is a sick and twisted lifestyle.”
Sluggo2007
Let me guess, Richard 55. You’re a Southern Baptist, aren’t you?
DCguy
Oh look, another closet case right wing troll who thinks that if they yell loud enough on here it will make the gay voices in their heads quiet down.
I have news for you cupcake. NOBODY can be converted to being LGBT if they aren’t. If there is a fully hetrosexual person, they can dance and sing and make pastrys and do hair and make-up, and for women, work on cars, police and any other stereotypically lgbt activity and nothing will make them not be heterosexual.
The fact that you THINK people can be converted tells us all we need to know about you. You are obviously not heterosexual and terrified like most anti-lgbt bigots.
So a quick piece of advice, screaming on here isn’t going to make you any less lgb or t. So do yourself a favor and figure your shit out and stop wasting our time.
DCguy
Dammit, Richard, while I don’t fully agree with your point, I misread the entirety of it. Ignore 60% of my rant. lol
robert_moore
I suggest not doing what I did, which was to tell her on our wedding anniversary. To be honest, the motivator was a phone call earlier in the day when she called me at work. She knew something was seriously out of kilter, and thought it was something wrong with her. Her profound distress worried me so much, I decided I could no longer put it off; however, I should have held it for at least a day. There is no easy way to do it, and there is no way to avoid the magnitude of her hurt. After all, you’ve been coming to terms with it for quite a long time. She has to go through it like shock therapy. Treat her with respect and understand that if she says cruel things to you, it is her pain that is being expressed. Let her, and do not let it hurt you or hold it against her.
Richard 55
Couples fall out of love all the time and for many reasons. It’s not a rare phenomenon.
Unfortunately, too many men allow their wives to own their sexual feelings. My view is this: a man is entitled to have some privacy in regards to his sexual feelings, and should not be dictated to by the wife.
Alas, there are too many feminized girly men out there wno are afraid to stand up for their sexual rights in case it offends their wives.
Richard 55
You don’t need to come out as gay. Just say “I find men hot”. If your wife doesn’t understand, it’s her problem.
Don’t allow women to force you into a choice of identity.
gjg64
Richard,
You’re right, he shouldn’t have to tell his wife he’s actually gay. The next thing you know she’ll be insisting on the right to VOTE!!!!!
Donston
“I find men hot”. Lordy
I think I’m just gonna ignore “Richard” and his future monikers from here on. I can handle conversation with someone who displays misogyny, resentment towards self-accepting homos and who insists that sexual orientation isn’t real (though he’s probably gay as hell) . It’s actually the redundancy of his comments that is the issue. He literally has nothing else to add to any conversation and clearly just posts here to spread his bitterness. Also, his obvious use of multiple usernames just insults people’s intelligence. At least, ErikO offers something sometimes despite his bias and fibbing often getting in the way.
Best way to not give his lunacy any credence is to not engage.
Donston
Whether real or not, the majority of these Reddit stories all seem the same with a different degrees of sensationalism. Hard to keep caring. And most of these scenarios are often solved with basic honesty, self-respect and/or common sense.
NanLaw
If you’re straight, gay or lesbian then that would be the category you choose. If you like both that would make you bisexual, regardless of whether you’re mostly straight or mostly same sex attracted. I never gave myself the chance to think about it ? I realized that I was falling in love with one of my female friends (who is also bisexual). I join many bisexual dating sites: such as : coupleslookingforfemale.com meet bisexual couples and female , if you are interested it, you can have a try!
Richard 55
“Bisexual” is an imprecise and inaccurate word because it fails to take account of the differing degree of opposite- versus same-sex attraction.
It is a word used out of convenience rather than precision, and is used extremely loosely.
One also cannot be an adjective. Bisexual, heterosexual and homosexual are adjectives. You cannot be any of these.
Richard 55
Male bisexuality dis-empowers women. It ruins her business model, a model which is based on making men pay for her consent to sex.
There is nothing more scary to a woman than the idea that men will stop rewarding her for sex. A bisexual man thus becomes scary because he has the ability to.opt into a free alternative – ie sex with men.
Many wives would rather their husbands be murderers than have attractions to men. This is why women demonize male bisexuality so much compared to all other sexualities.
Jack Meoff
Oh look Brian has a new screen name.
Donston
You got people spamming the comment section with bisexual and May-December dating sites. You have a redundant, prolific troll like Richard and all his monikers. And then there are just a bunch of random, attention-starved idiots.
I might have to give this site a rest for a while. The articles nor the comment sections are offering much.
radiooutmike
I was in a similar situation.
I came out in late my 40s after my divorce. I came out to my ex-wife after our divorce was settled. (It had been really amicable and with no lawyers) The weekend before she told me she was engaged to be married. It felt weird, but she was happy. So, I came out the next weekend. For about fours hours, she was super supportive and happy for me. Then a week of hell followed with crazy texts and belligerent phone calls threatening my access to my sons.
But get this, she was perfectly fine with me being gay. She did not like idea of me not telling her for a year previous that I had a boyfriend. Because, she was worried that I’d be alone. Eventually she came to her senses and apologized.
I think the OP on reddit, should come out to his wife honestly and be prepared to move out immediately.