I’m shocked by the right-wing garbage my mother-in-law just posted on Facebook. Should I disown her?

Hi Jake,

My husband and I are having a baby soon through IVF, and for the most part, everyone has been supportive. Or so I thought.

Yesterday, my mother-in-law regurgitated some right-wing meme on Facebook with a bunch of bizarre idioms about how the world used to be (which was apparently better?) vs. how it is now.

How about we take this to the next level?

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Within that, one of the lines was, “We’d never heard of microwaves, or telephones in cars. And babies might be bottle-fed, but they were not grown in jars.”

Grown in jars??? It seems she’s referring to IVF, which is undermining her very own GRANDKID she’s about to have, basically saying they are illegitimate. I’m so disgusted, and even though the baby isn’t born yet, the “dad” in me is feeling very protective.

I screamed at my husband and told him his mother isn’t allowed to see our new baby when they are born. Normally, I would just block someone on social media who was spreading such absurd views, but she’s immediate family. What should I do??

Papa Bear

Dear Papa Bear,

Congrats on your upcoming gay-by!

What you saw from your mother-in-law, intended or not, is a textbook “micro-aggression”, although it’s not even that “micro” to be honest. Unfortunately, Facebook has become a place where a lot of people share uninformed or biased nonsense. And it often feels even worse in an election year.

I’m sure you’re extremely excited about adding to your family and sharing that joy with everyone in your life, including other family members. So, of course, seeing something so invalidating about your future child would provoke an emotional response.

Implying that IVF is somehow unnatural or “not in God’s will” is one of those right-wing talking points meant to create division. Similar to abortion, it’s a hot-button issue rooted in religious ideology. But I’ve observed that most people who are against it usually don’t even know why they’re against it. They’re just repeating what is fed to them from conservative circles and, yes, social media.

In order to help someone understand why the things they say are hurtful or inaccurate, it’s usually best to approach them with a curious and compassionate tone, rather than a combative or confrontational one, so they don’t become defensive or dig in further.

What I might suggest is for you and your husband to sit down with your mother-in-law and ask her about the post to learn how much she actually understands. There’s a chance that she didn’t even realize the meaning of it, and what it’s saying about her own family.

It’s unfortunately all too common where people repost things without really considering what impact it might have on others, including their loved ones.

You’ll also want to explain how what she’s perpetuating is not okay, accurate, or compassionate and that you hope she does better after your new baby arrives.

Ideally, if approached with love, she’ll take it as an opportunity to learn. If she responds less than favorably, you may need to set some boundaries to protect your growing family, including creating some distance, if necessary.

I’d like to have hope that there’s still a possibility of having productive discussions around politics, and that people will choose family over party (or at least over spewing unhelpful rhetoric). A healthy discourse can enlighten everyone… I mean, aren’t you wondering what’s so bad about microwaves and car phones, too?

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, email [email protected], or contact him through his LGBTQ therapy platform.