Being outed can be a traumatic event for LGBTQ individuals, and it’s especially bad when personal details become water cooler chatter in the workplace. One Reddit user revealed in the r/gay forum earlier this month that he was “beyond pissed off” because a coworker outed him to a new employee that day.
“He was showing the new person around, introducing them to everyone, and when they got to me, he told them my name and added, ‘I don’t know if it matters to you or not, but he’s gay,’” this user wrote.
He went on: “It is my choice and your choice who you come out to. No one, [not] even family, has the right to out you without your permission. I am not ashamed of who I am, but I prefer to know someone better before telling them my sexuality. I did not know this person’s belief on LGBTQIA [identities] or anything. When someone does that, they put you at risk. When I had a moment to talk to my coworker, I did so with management present so they would know how serious this is. … Everyone, and I mean everyone, has a right to privacy, especially when it comes to sexuality and gender.”
Related: He got his workplace harasser fired, and the harasser’s response was a total shock
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In the comments, the outed guy said that his company is family-owned and doesn’t have an HR department, but he said that management at the company reprimanded the coworker in question.
And other Reddit users commiserated in the comment sections. “I understand how you feel, and things should not be this way. Period,” one wrote. “I’m sorry your coworker betrayed your trust like that. They have no respect for you as a person or your wellbeing.”
That commenter also shared a “rule of thumb” that reflects the sorry state of workplace privacy: “If I choose to trust one person with my sexuality, I need to be prepared for everyone in that circle to find out eventually.”
Another commenter urged the outed worker to set the boundaries that the person who blabbed obviously can’t set for himself: “I would pull that coworker aside and say to him that one’s sexual orientation, or anything of a sexual nature, is not to be discussed in the workplace. … He’s lucky you aren’t doing everything you can to have him fired.”
And a third commenter wrote, “That was completely inappropriate behavior. In a modern inclusive workplace, no one’s personal characteristics should ‘matter’ to someone else. I don’t get to judge someone’s gender/age/faith/whatever—I have a duty to treat them with respect and work with them effectively, just as they should respect me.”
Related: Supervisor takes aggression out on bisexual staffer after her husband leaves her for another man
After the Jeff Varner–Zeke Smith drama on Survivor in 2017, MarketWatch covered workplace rules about LGBTQ employees, including experts’ guidance that workers should never disclose another coworker’s sexual orientation of gender identity.
Darnley Stewart, an employment discrimination lawyer with the New York City law firm Outten & Golden, told MarketWatch that it’s “not illegal to out someone in the workplace.” But she added that in states with non-discrimination laws covering LGBTQ identities, a worker who faces a more hostile work environment as the result of being outed at work could have grounds for a lawsuit.
MarcyMayer
No one’s right to privacy should be violated. Period.
theherald
OP is out. The fact of his orientation is no longer private. You can’t drag people into the closet with you.
stan2015
I keep my private life private. I am “Out” but that would piss me off if I was “Outed” like that.
SamB
Who cares? It’s like saying, “And here’s Mary, she’s got two kids.” If you’re not ashamed and you’re out at work, why the secrecy?
leo1008
It is true that social conventions can fluctuate and that notions of what does or does not constitute privacy can change. Nevertheless, a workplace isn’t the same thing as a gathering of friends, and your observation seems to apply better to more informal gatherings. I’d go so far as to say that even your own example, the number of children someone has, should be left up to each person to divulge – or not – in a workplace. It’s possible that someone may want to go to work and talk about work. Maybe they never bring up their kids because they don’t want to spend time talking about family while on the job. And that’s fine. That’s why pretty much anything personal should be left up to an employee to divulge – or not – on their own. And the more personal the information gets – such as a person’s sexual preferences – the more important it is to respect one another’s privacy.
SamB
leo: I understand what you’re saying but we’re getting conflicting opinions on this site. Be open and proud. Don’t talk about me until I want you to. It’s acceptable for someone to say “Call me they” but not acceptable to say “John’s gay” when John is open at work. If I am out and work, then anyone can tell anyone else I’m gay. I’m open, I’m not ashamed, there is no problem. I’m assuming this Reddit poster is in a smaller company (if it’s a real story in the first place) because in most big corporations that kind of stuff is not even hinted at. It would be “This is John, he’s our business analyst”
theherald
Agreed. This is ridiculous. If you’re out, you’re out.
theherald
@leo, if Mary tells coworker X she has two kids, she absolutely cannot get upset if X tells coworker Y. She’d be laughed out of HR if she tried to complain. (And off Reddit too).
Eternal.Cowboy
“Who cares?”
Depending on which group of straight people you are being the boot licker for, you care. In your rabid defense of the “Don’t Say Gay” bill you insisted that mere mention of a person being gay was introducing sex into a conversation. That is why you wanted children shielded from the knowledge that gay people exist. Sex is an inappropriate topic at work so using you standard it would be as inappropriate as someone at working saying “This is SamB he is into scat” no matter how true it may be.
Hypocrisy aside, there are actual issues whit what was said. The first being that straight people aren’t introduced as straight. So the person has singled out their coworker for different treatment due to their sexuality. Further the phrasing of “I don’t know if it matters to you or not…” implies that it’s okay if it is a problem. In the past you have said that gay people are something to be tolerated. So, I get why you don’t have an issue with that. But any LGBTQIA+ person with a sense of dignity instantly recognizes the homophobia in the phrasing and would push back on it.
Eternal.Cowboy
“And here’s Mary, she’s got two kids.”
Also, that is another demonstration of your sexism. That you think it’s okay to introduce a woman at work by stating the number of kids she has. What’s important thing to know about a woman at work? Is it her job? The work that she does? Nope, her value and identity is strictly related to her reproductive capabilities.
Cam
@SamB
Actually the person themselves cared. But no surprise that the right wing troll account would attack the victim and support the person who outted them.
DarkZephyr
Oh so in this instance its OK, but its evil in a school setting (when you feel like defending your homophobic GOP heroes). Dear Lord, you are such a hypocrite.
IWantAFullBeard
This website used to be really fun. Now it basically just repeats posts to Reddit. Which is beyond stupid.
Ronbo
Don’t forget the endless posting of twitter dribble tryng to condense extremely complex issues into sloganish opinion. Maybe this site is just for ‘spewing hate back and forth’, not really trying to build bridges. Thoughts?
No one ever changed their opinion or gained perspective or context screaming “fa^^ot” or “troll”. Reaching out to these people with kindness is how we make things better. Hate for hate leaves the entire group blind to solutions. (Yeah, I know it feels good, so does meth, I’m told)
johncp56
Off limits!!!! in the work place even a higher priority to be respectful of others’ private lives, that was sexual harassment ? no
theherald
The fact of his sexuality is neither shameful nor private. He clearly made the choice to be out at work; therefore he is out at work.
jt1990
These days being outed will only get you a promotion at work, especially within larger companies. Nobody should violate someone’s privacy like that, but luckily for queer folks a pay raise and feigned admiration is generally worst case. No supervisor wants to be accused of discrimination! And then there’s the diversity quotas. Nothing like minority privilege!
Cam
Hi @SamB, @Marcy Mayer, etc…
What a surprise, the right wing troll now claims that bigotry is just a way for LGBTQ people to take advantage.
Your troll game is sad and weak.
ZzBomb
“These days being outed will only get you a promotion at work, especially within larger companies.”
^^^^ This is patently untrue to the extreme.
Kangol2
@jt1990, what planet do you live on? You do realize that people are fired in various parts of the country for being gay even in 2022, no? Or maybe you don’t. Do a bit more reading. Not everywhere is San Francisco or New York City.
jt1990
@Cam you sir are beginning to sound like one of those “right wing conspiracy theorists” I hear so much about from the Left.
@Kangol2 Several years ago I worked as an assistant store manager at a walmart in South Carolina. Not one of the more liberal-minded coastal areas, like Charleston mind you; this was about two hours inland within a smaller town. There was only ONE other hetero white male employed in any managerial position. All of the higher paying roles were female, minority, and (several) lgbt. We even hired a young gay black male as an asst. mngr though he didn’t seem mature enough for the job (turned out he wasn’t). I was not a hiring manager, but minorities and lgbt resumes seemed to *magically* get pushed to the front. I knew better than to point this out of course! Anyway it’s not the 1950s anymore as liberals like to believe. All other qualifications being equal, being “different” is an advantage. You guys should be using this fact to your benefit!
theherald
This is silly. If you’re out at work, you’re out to everyone. People don’t need to keep track of who knows and who doesn’t. What an entitled person.
Eternal.Cowboy
The person never said they were out and based on what they said they aren’t.
“I prefer to know someone better before telling them my sexuality.”
When you intentionally limit who knows you are gay you are not out.
DarkZephyr
@theherald,
Bruh…why the hell would that person feel the need to mention that he was gay? And “I don’t know if this matters to you or not but…” Seriously? You honestly can’t see why this is problematic?
Jim
The co worker was just rude.
I understand that private life is private but does one hide that one is left handed?
Kangol2
No adult is punished in the US for being left-handed. We have even had five left-handed presidents (Reagan, George HW Bush, Clinton, Obama) of the US over the last 50 years.
On the other hand, gay people still face over and covert hostility, homophobia in all its forms, anti-gay/LGBTQ violence, even murder depending on whom they’re dealing with.
You must grasp the difference between these two intrinsic aspects of human being and the social and political responses, but perhaps you don’t, which says everything.
TheRedLine
A similar thing happened to me. I worked in a bank and I was outed by a Jamaican woman in front of a room full of employees. I thought she liked me as a person and I liked her up until that that moment. It turns out she hated gay people. I think she did what she did because her own son came out to her and she was angry about it. I was young and wasn’t an open book back then. I quietly asked to be removed from that work area (I didn’t like it there anyway) but management, instead, had one-on-one discussions in a conference room with every employee except me the whole week. It was very embarrassing because I knew everybody was getting reminded of the bank’s harassment policy. I left after that week for a different job. For those who are wondering, the woman did not get fired. About a year later I was inside that bank and she tried to be friendly and talk to me. I honestly had no words and just walked away.