There is no “right time” to come out of the closet, but judging by the reaction to one woman’s story, there might be a few “wrong times.”
In an anonymous Reddit post titled “Am I the a**hole (AITA) for throwing a ‘tantrum’ after my brother came out at my wedding?”, the woman, 27, explained that she came out as a lesbian to her homophobic parents when she was 12 years old, and that it took them years to accept.
It also caused her younger brother, Olly, to become her parents’ de facto “golden child.” “It made my relationship with Olly a little salty,” she wrote.
She explained that her parents and Olly attended her recent wedding, which she described as a “welcoming environment” with many queer people in attendance.
During the reception, she noticed a commotion coming from her family’s table. Her brother, now 23, had just come out to their parents as gay.
“Olly took advantage of the moment to come out (nothing new, I had doubted his sexuality since he was a child, but it wasn’t up to me to expose it),” the post read. “My dad got mad when I wasn’t surprised and accused me of hiding that kind of thing. In addition to making comments about being disgusted with the fact that his children are two f**gots.”
“I told my parents: ‘You can’t for a single night swallow your fucking prejudice. And for Olly: ‘Of all times, you knowing that it took them both a decade to accept me back, can’t you choose any other day? I don’t care about you being gay, you have to be whoever you want to be, but WHY today?'”
She said virtually everyone at the event heard the argument, and that her fiancée, Polly, intervened before Olly and her parents left.
Related: Woman who outed ex to his fundamentalist, Mormon family wonders: “Am I an a**hole?”
While she admits it wasn’t her finest moment, the woman said the moment caused childhood traumas to return, which isn’t ideal for your wedding day.
“My parents aren’t talking to me,” she revealed, “and I honestly don’t feel like it. But I know my brother is saying that I was homophobic and destroyed his moment of coming out. AITA?”
Survey says…no, she’s not the a**hole.
Nearly 1,000 Redditors chimed in with their thoughts, mostly to criticize her brother her family.
Here’s a small sampling of the responses:
“This is giving me ‘I’m going to propose at my sibling / friends wedding’ vibes. Olly can be who he wants but this was not the time or place to come out, it just screams ‘drama.’ NTA.”
“Your parents are bigots, and Olly picked a really bad time to come out. It wasn’t Olly’s day. It was your day, and he tried to make it about him for some reason.”
“Golden boy wanted the spotlight back on him where it belongs. Parents are obviously TA. I’m sorry this was the family you got lumped with. Congratulations on the wedding.”
“Everyone here is an a**hole except you. Your brother should not have coopted your day. I hate to say it, but your parents really sounds awful.”
“NTA I’m dying at him calling his gay sister ‘homophobic’ bc she wasn’t happy he came out at her gay wedding.”
One commenter shared a different take: “I give Olly the benefit of the doubt as far as why he chose this time. He probably didn’t plan it. He most likely got caught up in the very loving, LGBTQ-safe environment, saw his parents behaving even though they are openly homophobic, and thought this was the perfect time.”
Ooof that’s gonna take some therapy to recover from…. for everyone.
No matter how “accepting” parent are, they will always be disappointed when hearing that his son or daughter is gay.
My Jewish parents accepted me, but I remember my bubbe referring to gays as fagalas (which to me is a form of derision) when I was little.
Ditto, my dad said do let Noni know ?? our grandmother, Fagalas such an old term , funny and mean,
“Always”… and another Benny puzzle piece snaps into place. But of course there’s the possibility that Benny’s parents were disappointed with him for many other reasons.
Perhaps this is a generational issue? My daughter came out to me and my only concern was for her safety given that we don’t live in the most welcoming area for LGBTQ people (Kentucky).
BeanyTheFool opines, idiotically, as always:
“No matter how ‘accepting’ parent are, they will always be disappointed when hearing that his son or daughter is gay.”
Rather poor grammar (cramming a surprising number of mistakes into one sentence). What does this tell us about your truthfulness regarding who and what you are? We know you are not gay, but lie poorly about it. We know you are not Jewish, but get some weird charge out of insisting you are. Maybe you aren’t even an English speaker and got a bit overconfident about your skills this time ’round. Dullards are quite often overconfident about their abilities.
And we know you are quite the dullard.
Not to mention that you have no idea what “parent are” accepting of. You know only what YOUR “parent” might have done had you been gay or lesbian and come out to them.
Fname Optional Lname
So because your experience was not completely positive that means all parents are disappointed to find out their child is gay? Not quite
“ No matter how “accepting” parent are, they will always be disappointed when hearing that his son or daughter is gay.”
That is absolutely false.
Oh @BTH Copy & Paste Queen, fraudster and bullshitter of note. You called me out for my poor grammar and spelling. Even suggesting I must be an uneducated black person from South Africa. Cupcake you are sad and pathetic. I have come to believe that you are a sexually frustrated heterosexual virgin. Never been laid because you are toxic. In looks and personality. So you get your kicks out of being an arsehole on Queerty. Carry on beating yourself off!
??? I need to read again LOL, someones wedding is just that theirs, just dace with a guy you like and shut your trap, this was years ago i was guy, had BFD late 79 early 80, my sisters first wedding pretty big hilton LOL Oakland ca went to dace floor me in tails to dance with BF, LOL Oh no you would not belaeve! how fast some wemon were in between us on the floor, like a FBI, CIA covert action LOL, everyone hooks up at weddings, just my story
another BS story.
I wonder if it wasn’t “the golden boy” finally getting sick of parents’ backbiting bullshit behind sis’s back and finally snapped at them, rather than intentionally coming out.
Nobody should have to grow to adulthood while keeping their sexuality a secret. Parents don’t have to approach the subject by asking “Are you gay?” but they do need to be educated about the subject before they even have children, and to use every learning opportunity to make it clear that some boys like boys and some girls like girls, and that they’re OK with that. They should NEVER assume that their kids will be straight, because that only leads to traumatic coming-out episodes like this one.
I feel like it’s that old thing, where Boys carry the name and Girls take on a new name. The parents are mourning the lost of legacy where there is no real need to do that. People have such rigged ideals on how the world, sex, reproduction works. Especially Bible humpers.
eventually they will get over themselves or not. “shrug” not your problem.
“ While she admits it wasn’t her finest moment, the woman said the moment caused childhood traumas to return, which isn’t ideal for your wedding day.”
Something to keep in mind is that despite not being out the brother was still queer and the parents homophobia was silently causing him trauma as well
Seems this is more a bride’s me me me rant.
At first glance I’d say it was inappropriate for him to come out, but it was a gay wedding.
The tantrum WAS inappropriate being upset is yours to own or not.
Sad she couldn’t be more supportive of her brother.
Bless your tiny little heart.
Look, the backstory and her narrative are capable of painting a number of things. The first is that she interpreted his intent accurately. That he did it just to cause Drama at her wedding day and is now trying to milk being the victim. After all, she does know “Olly” better than any of us do. However, it may be that he didn’t think about it being her day. That he only thought that if did it there, his parent’s wouldn’t act out. That he thought that being in a public venue, during an event where everyone is supposed to be on their best behaviour would influence their parents’ reaction. In which case he miscalculated in a big way. Either way, he owes her a very sincere and heartfelt apology. After all, common decency and basic etiquette agree on this, you don’t make major announcements at someone else’s wedding.
You know, I’m seventy-eight years old and the manners I grew up with simply says that the celebration is for the bride and groom; bride and bride; groom and groom…period! To use the brides’ celebration as a means of introducing your own gayness is, I’m sorry, a tad cowardly and selfish.