GOP Death Watch

Iowa Republicans Can’t Decide Which Homophobic Candidate They Prefer

Rick SantorumThe slow-motion train wreck that is the Republican presidential campaign had its first vote last night in Iowa. In keeping with the tenor of the race to date, nobody won. Instead, the Iowa caucuses produced a three-way tie that leaves us with the following as the stars of the GOP firmament:

*Ex-Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, who was for gay equality before he was against it and whose idea of personal integrity is to hold a position for 24 hours before flip flopping. (24.6%)

*Frothy former senator Rick Santorum, who believes gay marriage will lead to men marrying corgies, poodles and other canines en masse. (24.5%)

*Texas Congressman Ron Paul, whose libertarian beliefs allow for gay marriage but also institutionalized racism and sexual harassment and who has a history of putting his name on viciously homophobic rants. (21.4%)

Kind of makes you proud to be an American, doesn’t it?

What the Iowa caucuses did was make Romney’s road to the presidential nomination a bit bumpier, if still inevitable. The evangelical right finally decided to coalesce around a candidate and having run through everyone else, they finally settled on Santorum, second-to-none in his homophobia.

By just about every measure, Santorum has as much chance of winning the GOP nomination as he does of winning the Mr. International Leather, but he does have media-hyped momentum and vanquished his main rivals for the religious right vote: Rick Perry and Michele Bachmann, who were forgotten but not gone on caucus night. (But they are now.)

Lately Santorum’s been restyling himself as a populist conservative, largely by wearing sweater vests and talking about the impact of the lackluster economy on families who uphold his brand of family values. he might not not have much personality but, then again, his main opponent is called “human-like” in the press.

While Slick Rick might have room for growth, Ron Paul probably doesn’t: His fervent band of followers adore him but even Paul knows he’s never going to be president.

Which leaves Newt Gingrich, the self-appointed brainiac of the field. Gingrich’s odds were never great to begin with, but for a while he was leading in the polls. At 13.3%, his fourth-place finish didn’t finish him off altogether, but it did make him mad at Romney, for the millions of dollars in negative ads he spent in attacking Gingrich. Having Newt mad at you isn’t fun, as Bill Clinton can attest. Newt is going to bloody Romney every way he can now, which will be an entertaining sight at the very least.

Next up, New Hampshire, where Romney has to meet some pretty high expectations. It’s still his nomination to lose, but after Iowa that isn’t the slam dunk it once seemed.

 Image via Gage Skidmore

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  • axon

    The GOP elite really makes you sigh with wonderment.
    Then, they don’t believe in elites, do they?

  • xaxxxxx

    “…whose idea of personal integrity is to hold a position for 24 hours before flip flopping”

    did you even read the article you cited? what that seemingly oxygen-deprived NR journalist deems a ’24-hour flip flop’ was Romney one day saying that he’ll win Iowa (which that article admits was likely a misquotation), and the next day saying that he couldn’t confidently predict a win. even if he weren’t misquoted, it is entirely plausible, nay likely, that his assessment of the race would change overnight. as we saw yesterday, the outlook could change drastically in an hour—none of which has to do with his integrity.

    it is sad that “flip-flopping” is such a political sin: i would much prefer a flip-flopper who does so on the basis of reasoned consideration (especially in light of potential new evidence) rather than some obstinate ideologue obsessed with your facile definition of personal integrity

  • dome

    Newt Gingrich is a turgid, sloppy hobbit.

  • Rex

    It’s a mistake to think all conservatives are homophobic OR that all liberals are Not homophobic. It’s also a mistake to think all people who are gay – are liberals. Queerty definitely has a politically-liberal agenda. Disappointing. Just because the Democrats pander to gays doesn’t mean they have their best interests at heart. Find out more, don’t be a sheep.

  • Chuck

    I stayed up till 2am watching this mess. When I went to bed, Frothy mix was ahead by 13 people. I Tweeted that Mitt would gladly give 13 Iowans $1 million apiece for their vote. Today I woke up and Mitt was slightly ahead. I think he took my advice. Be on lookout for 13 newly rich Iowans to be flush now and order all white meat AND a biscuit at KFC.

  • UWSguy

    can’t wait for Romney’s henchmen to dig up some dirt on Frothy Mix to oust him

  • Tavdy79

    Whenever I feel despair at Cacky, Merky and Sarky (the British Prime Minister, German Chancellor and French President respectively) I look over the Atlantic and remind myself of just how much worse it could be.

    A pissed Gingrich is the last thing Romney wants with ex-Senator Frothy Fecal Matter so close behind him. If/when Gingrich decides to end his campaign, he’ll probably instruct all his supporters to go for Santorum. Ditto Bachmann and Perry, but rather sooner. That leaves Romney at a distinct disadvantage long-term, especially if Huntsman does well in New Hampshire.

  • Lucifer

    Santorum’s uncle was Mossolini and Mossolini had ties to Hitler and I bet this is why Santorum hates GAYS.
    Milton aka Mitt father was born in Mexico. He’s in to Polygamy.

  • Lucifer

    I want to marry the man of my dreams and I don’t want some dictator or polygamist telling me how I should marry.

  • Ed

    Remember in 2008 Huckabee won Iowa but ended up in the scrap heap. That’s where Santorum is headed.

  • Bryan

    @Rex: Better the devil you know and all that jazz. If you do know of a Republican who can do better on gay rights than the current democrat then please name them. Otherwise the 2nd half of your post is just a load of bull.

  • Riker

    @Bryan: I can think of six at the top of my head (I live in New York), but none that have the national clout to make a serious bid for the nomination. I’m a (moderate) gay Republican, but if NY Governor Andrew Cuomo were to run, even as a Democrat, I would happily vote for him. I voted him for Gov once, and i’ll do it again for his next term. He’s fiscally conservative enough to appeal to a broad base of moderates like me, and good on social issues to win over the progressives.

  • Shannon1981

    I love that they are making fools of themselves.

  • tjr101

    Ah, the circus that is the GOP primaries. Gotta love those bigots in the GOP base that gives a vile individual like Rick Santorum a respectable showing.

    Is this the kind of people we want to decide who will be president? Crash and burn Repugs, crash and burn!

  • geoff

    @Lucifer: Who is Mossolini? Mitt’s name is Willard – named after his father’s friend Willard Marriot. And Gov. George Romney had only the one wife. As does Willard.

  • CBRad

    @Rex: Yikes. Don’t ever come to NYC’s gay ghetto with an attitude like that. The high-kicking out-of-towner queens Andrew Belonsky and Andrew Towle and Queerty’s staff (MOST of them) and their ilk will screech at you so hard spittle will be dripping out: “Don’t you say that!! You’re SELF-HATING!!” “I was ‘Born This Way!!'” “Gay-Gay!!” (Like some weird mantra to ward you off). “GAY-GAY!!!” (You think I’m exaggerating here? Visit the gay ghetto and try it)

  • Ian

    @dome: LOL I love that! A “turgid sloppy hobbit”

  • Wow

    A douche-bag beats santorum. Isn’t that what a douche-bag is for?

  • Patrick Fitzmichael

    I used to be a strong supporter of Paul until I found out that he wants to get the government out of the marriage business. That’s just unacceptable. Then I could get married and only my friends and family members would be there to recognize it. Which is basically what gays can do now, in all fifty states. The more I learned about this Paul character, the more I wised up. There’s a REASON he’s the preferred candidate of KKK Grand Wizards everywhere!

    I blogged my heart out about it.

    One more reason I can’t understand the concept of a “gay Republican”. Truly a contradiction in terms.

Comments are closed.