Hallelujah! Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney has resolved the gay-marriage issue that seems to be dividing the nation. (You know, between sane people and religious bigots.)
In a recent news conference, the Boston Herald reports, Romney covered a wide range of topics—including his $10,000 non-bet with Rick Perry, his ever-constant view on climate change (it’s a real thing!) and how he made his money the old-fashioned way (no, not by prying it out of the hands of widows).
He also put forth the idea that maybe there should be a constitutional amendment to create three new classes of marriage rights.
1. Old-fashioned, God-approved man/woman marriage. Reserved for heterosexuals, this would include the right to marry, divorce, remarry and repeat as necessary.
2. Grandfathered gay marriages. Divorce is bad, even gay divorce (but not gay divorcees, hey!). So Romney would allow those gays and lesbians who were legally married in states where it was legal to remain wed. Of course as president he’d work to strike down any existing or new state marriage-equality laws, so you’d have to get in while the gettin’ was good.
3. No-marriage marriage. Any LGBTs who haven’t tied the knot by the time President Romney and his GOP cronies in Congress finish hacking up the Constitution are basically SOL. But hey, if you wanna do one of those lovey-dovey commitment ceremonies that carry no legal weight—have a ball!
Setting aside how demeaning such a state of affairs would be, does Romney thing this system would actually work? It sounds almost as ludicrous as plural marriage, you know the kind once practiced by the Morm… Oh, nevermind.
Image via Gage Skidmore