Is My Hubbie a Homo?

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We just came across this article from The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review in which Rochelle Hentges helps confused readers answer the age-old question: “How can I tell if my husband is gay?” While countless women have scratched their heads over this one, Hentges reveals three easy steps to identifying your husband as a homo.

Step One: You need to find out if they’re cheating.

Okay, that’s simple enough. You can just get on the horn with Cheaters and have them dig up some dirt.

Step Two: Who is that person cheating with. Is it a woman or with another man?

That’s pretty self-explanatory, right. Well, apparently not, because Hentges feels the need to elaborate:

Some of the things to look for are: a strong preference for anal sex, buying or receiving expensive or overly intimate gifts for his male friends, extreme homophobic behavior and an abundance of male friends with whom he seems to be a little too close or too familiar with.

He’ll be frequenting porn sights that have to do with same-sex activities. He may be receiving lots of phone calls from other men.

Yeah, every single closeted man in the world lives out their shameful fantasies in secluded sex shops and the such. She does point out that not all gay men are total queens. She writes:

Gay or bisexual men aren’t necessarily effeminate, so people who are trying to use that as a factor could be falsely accusing a man. You can’t base it on the way he looks or dresses.

True. But, if he likes anal sex, definitely a ‘mo, because no straight man’s ever wanted to have anal sex. Ever.

She also provides the reader with a handy check-list, which we’ve pasted after the jump. Most of it’s pretty much common sense, but definitely good for a laugh.

Signs of same-sex infidelity
* Suspicious non-verbal communication with other men — a look, a touch or hug that lasts a little too long or has undertones of intimacy

* Possession of pornography depicting men engaged in sex acts with other men (videos, magazines, photos stored on his computer)

* Frequenting gay or bisexual Web sites — check the history in your Internet browser

* No longer sexually aroused by you or can’t maintain his erection

* A strong preference for anal sex

* An abundance of male friends with whom he seems to be too close or too familiar

* Lots of phone calls from other men

* Buying or receiving expensive, intimate, or overly personal gifts from other men

* Overreacts to anything concerning gay men — extreme homophobic behavior

* Unusually high percentage of male friends who are gay

* Spends more time with his male friends than with you

* Male friends who are overly friendly

* Watching gay porn on the Internet

* Answering personal ads on gay Web sites

* Cell phone bills traced to gay escort services or gay personal dating services

* Matchbook covers, cocktail napkins or business cards from gay bars with phone numbers written inside.