The Atlantic‘s political columnist Michael Kinsley once famously quipped “A gaffe is when a politician tells the truth.” So now that everyone wants to know the truth about Elena Kagan’s sex life, Kinsley wants to learn more about the sex lives of all our Supreme Court Justices! Like Justice Antonin Scalia—he’s got nine kids. That that either means that his wife is incredibly fertile or that Scalia is an insatiable sexbot.
“Now that the sex lives of Supreme Court justices have become grist for commentators, we are finally free to discuss a question formerly only whispered about in the shadows: Why does Justice Antonin Scalia, by common consent the leading intellectual force on the Court, have nine children? Is this normal? Or should I say “normal,” as some people choose to define it? Can he represent the views of ordinary Americans when he practices such a minority lifestyle? After all, having nine children is far more unusual in this country than, say, being a lesbian.
Let me be clear: the issue is not the fact that Scalia has chosen to have nine children. That is his personal business. The question is whether he is an extremist advocate of the so-called “Nine Children Agenda.” Can he deal open-mindedly with children’s issues when he has so many himself?…
Speculation is already rampant about why Scalia chose nine children over a more conventional lifestyle. Is he a sex maniac? That suspicion naturally arises. But perhaps once he started, he just never got around to stopping. Or maybe he just likes children. In recent days, Scalia’s friends have rushed to his defense, going out of their way to portray him as a model of sexual restraint. “Every Friday a bunch of us used to go down to this bar to pick up women,” one of his college roommates recalls. “We’d always ask Nino if he wanted to join us, but he always said he was too busy studying. Frankly, we thought he was gay.”
Dan Savage pointed out that Scalia has also been questioned about other “controversial sex practices”, like sodomizing his wife. Scalia’s Catholic so anal sex is really his only option if he wants to avoid having a tenth kid. However, he did write the dissent in Lawrence v. Texas, which means he’s also anti-sodomy (ie. no blowjobs or anal), so that tenth kid will probably arrive sooner than he thinks.
But the real sex maniacs of course are the ones who can’t seem to keep their minds out of Elena Kagan’s cooch. Honesty is great and all, but it’s obvious she’s never gonna talk about it, so how about we just get all her other non-answers from the Supreme Court hearing out of the way and be done with it?