kinsey questions

Is There A Difference Between Bisexual And ‘Mostly Straight’ Guys?

Growing up gay, I always thought that if you were attracted to both men and women, that made you bisexual. But is there a difference between being bi and being “mostly straight”?

The Good Men Project sits down with Dillon, a college varsity hockey goalie, who says he loves the ladies. But.

By his own admission, Dillon says he resides in the “Sexual Netherlands” (his words), a place that exists between heterosexuality and bisexuality. In previous generations, such individuals might have been described as “straight but not narrow,” “bending a little,” and “heteroflexible.” Dillon is part of a growing trend of young men who are secure in their heterosexuality and yet remain aware of their potential to experience far more—sexual attractions, sexual interactions, crushes, and, ocassionally romantic relationships with other guys. Dillon lives these contradictions—seemingly hetero guys who now reject that label, sexual description, and identity.

[…] To the uninitiated, “mostly straight” is a paradox. These young men fracture the heterosexual agenda—or do we call it a lifestyle? If a guy is not exclusively into girls, he can’t be totally straight. Aren’t you supposed to pick a side? If a guy is not straight, not bisexual, and not gay—and yet still falls in love and gets an erection—what the hell is he?

[…] Sizable numbers of young men maintain their “mostly straight” status—not just as adolescents or college students, but as adults. Of the 160 guys we interviewed for a study in 2008 and 2009, nearly one in eight reported same-sex attractions, fantasies, and crushes. The majority had these feelings since high school; a few others developed them more recently. And in a national sample of young men whose average age was 22, the “mostly straight” proportion increased when they completed the same survey six years later. These men aren’t bisexuals in disguise. They’re not closeted gay men seeking the privileges afforded to heterosexuals in society. They’re not simply tired of sex with women. With the words “mostly straight,” they’re describing a unique sexual identity, their complete romantic self.

There are a wide variety of “mostly straight” guys, from guys who only sometimes fantasize about going to bed with a dude to those who would probably be gay were it not for the homophobic culture they were raised in. For me, I always drew a (zig-zagging, incomplete, and prone to be broken) line in the sand between guys who would screw around with other guys but still prefer women, to guys who could actually have a relationship with another guy. And yet isn’t attraction to both men and women the very reason we have the B-word in the first place? Is it time for LGBTQIA-MS?

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  • Fitz

    Q: Is There A Difference Between Bisexual And ‘Mostly Straight’ Guys?

    A: Yes; 3 strong drinks.

  • Steve

    There is also plenty of men who couldn’t imagine being in a real relationship with a guy, but would have sex with one. So more a sexual than an emotional attraction.

  • Andy

    The article touches on this but the main problem for a lot of people like me is that gay is inherently effeminate. I like men precisely because I am a man myself. I don’t like women or gay men for the same reason.

  • caffesilvia

    No, there’s no need for another term. These guys are bisexual.

  • J

    oh god whatever. Utter bs. If you’re gay you’re gay. If your bi you’re bi. If you’re straight you’re straight. Theses guys just can’t cope with the fact they’re attracted to both sexes. Mostly straight? Does it make it easier to cope with by telling yourself that?

  • SpiffyShindigs

    As far as I’m concerned, there are four sexual orientations. Hetero, homo, bi and a. That literally covers all your bases. These guys can see themselves with other guys? That makes them bi.

    When labels can be so precise (you like the opposite sex, your sex, either or neither) you really have no grounds for objection.

  • afrolito

    People and their made up labels. Lol

  • Tommy

    @Andy: But gay isn’t inherently effeminate. I’m a gay man who likes sex with other men but I”m still a man and masculine. There are plenty of gay men who are manly but still identify as gay. But you don’t see them in the media, but in the real world the majority of gay men are manly because they are men. Effeminate queens are in the minority, but the media doesn’t let you see that.

  • Phil

    @Tommy: That’s because the only way the popular media can deal with us if we’re made to be the court jester. “The gays are so weird for being attracted to the same sex that they must be utter freaks and cross dress all the time. Or, like, be butch men or something.”

  • Alex

    This is a totally real class of people. That’s the same exact category that I fit into before I transitioned. Now I’m just a woman that’s mostly gay, but it kinda flexible too.

  • Roger Rabbit

    Yes, there is a difference between mostly str8 and bi guys – a six pack of beer.

    Guys (and gals) can’t we just go back to Kinsey’s chart? I’m very gay but had a girlfriend who broke my heart, and could have had sex with women were I not riddled with religious guilt at the time. And now I’m a Dom but could still see training a female sub even tho there is NO sexual attraction there.

    Oh, and I vote we drop ALL the initials and go with Gay or Queer.

  • Qjersey

    Mostly straight = voracious cocksuckers

    Bisexual = big bottoms

    At least the one’s I’ve hooked up with.

  • UMB

    The resistance to being called bi or gay comes from society’s inherent sexism and homophobia. These guys are bisexual (they like males and females, the definitions are pretty simple) but are afraid (consciously or subconsciously) of being labeled effeminate or gay, both of which are seen as inferior, so if you avoid the label with the negative connotations and identify as straight, you avoid being seen as inferior. (Being “straight” also gives you clout in the hookup pool.)

  • Andy

    @Tommy: Does the media hide them in all the gay places as well?

  • bobby

    oh great another label. why cant people just have sex with who they think is attractive and drop all this bi/str8/gay/blah blah BS. That is why there is DL/str8 guys cause they don’t want to be labeled by society with the stigma of being “gay”. If there wasn’t a label and it just was. A lot more people would be having fun out in the open. Not just after 3beers and the excuse of “oh man I’m sh*t faced, can i suck your pecker”.

  • alejandro

    i see nothing wrong with what these guys said. fuck everyone with their labels. these are just socialy constructed bullshit. u fuck whoever you want and let other ppl do the same.

  • Marcus

    Yeah, that’s essentially true.

    The labels aren’t the reason this culture is the way it is.

    People can’t/won’t hold other people responsible for their actions, so we want blame the word instead.

    Sorry, not biting.

    That’s essentially saying that if we didn’t have the word Nigger, they’re would be less racism.

    People have a problem with DIFFERENCE and those who are not them. That’s what we need to change.

  • McMike

    What’s the difference between being mostly gay and mostly straight?

    When you’re mostly straight there are 101 reasons to go gay.

    Women make men jump through endless hoops to get laid and once they actually get it in their hands they don’t really know what to do with it. I’m mostly gay but why would I go through all the hassle of chasing after something that not only doesn’t want to be caught but isn’t that good once you actually catch it?

  • Al

    Not really sure what you’re saying. Are you saying that all gay men are fem? Cuz that is not true. I am a masculine gay man, and the “mostly str8” man that I mess around with is your typical Alpha Male.

  • Skipp

    Blah blah blah, label label label. Who cares, can’t we all just have sex without dissecting it?

  • Pip

    @afrolito: lol yeah. makes them feel so unique and ‘different’

  • bobby

    @Marcus obliviously you don’t get it. by labeling sexuality you create a division which creates a difference which in turn gives people a Us vs Them base to stand on. If there was just sex with out the label society wouldn’t be so up in arms, and people would be comfortable to do the things they want with same/different sex cause they wouldn’t feel that they would be criticized for doing so if caught.

  • Daez

    @Andy: You have to be fucking kidding. Its just bullshit to think that every gay man is effeminate. I don’t know what gay guys you have actually met, but there are quite a few of them that are overly masculine. Stop with the negative perception of yourself and your community and go get some actual experience before drawing conclusions.

    I don’t see what the big news story is here. If a woman fulls around with another woman we don’t suddenly call her bisexual or a lesbian. Men are even more sexually curious then women as a given, so it was only a matter of time before we found out that straight men like to full around with other men sometimes.

    tldr; If its a hole, fuck it!

  • Daez

    @McMike: I think you are overgeneralizing. Many women are quite awesome in pleasing their men, and many men make men jump through hoops to get laid. In fact its the ones that don’t make you jump through hoops to get laid (i.e. SLUTS) that you probably don’t want to sleep with anyways for various reason (i.e. HPV, HIV, herpes, syphilis and other STIs really aren’t that fun).

  • B

    No. 4 · caffesilvia wrote, “No, there’s no need for another term. These guys are bisexual.” … whether you need another term or not, The Kinsey scale had 6 levels with 1 being 100% straight and 6 being 100% gay. The term “mostly straight” is merely a descriptive phrase for a Kinsey 2.

  • JZ

    Yeah there in fact is another word for it : Denial.

  • Marcus


    The world doesn’t work that way, Bobby. Just getting rid of the word Gay or Bi won’t change anything.

    While you’re correct, words do divide, when it comes to homophobia and racism, it’s in the people, not the words. Once people change, saying horrible words will have horrible consequences. Which we have seen. You say certain words you could lose your career and be publicly humiliated.

    That said, even after DADT is repealed, we get Gay Marriage and everything else, I don’t think the word GAY is going anywhere.

    BTW, people do what they want anyway…Kinsey even found that out. Just because people don’t talk about it in the public forum, doesn’t mean their not fuckin’ guys/girls anyway. Believe me, they are.

  • jason

    What you need to remember is that men are horny creatures. They are tactile. If a woman isn’t available, a straight-identifying man will turn to another man. A man needs the touch of a fellow human being.

    The social stigma placed on male-male attraction by the church was put there to curtail male-male promiscuity. In ancient times, such promiscuity had the potential to wipe out societies because of the prevalence of syphilis for which there were no antibiotics.

  • Dino

    @SpiffyShindigs: Yeah, you do have grounds for objection. The grounds are, “I don’t feel this label applies to me, I don’t feel comfortable with it, and I won’t accept it.” Every human being has the right to say that and to be respected. If you fit into one of those four categories, awesome! If someone else doesn’t, get over it.

  • eagledancer

    I’m too busy to do a normal “formal” response from my perspective as a Family Therapist and Sex Researcher—I’ve just been hired as a blogger for a gay sports blog– (Compete Magazine-“We ARE Gay Sports”) so I’ll be brief:

    1) I found it interesting when I was presenting at a FTM Conference, the registration form had 28 different ways of self-identifying oneself and an additional blank if you didn’t feel the 28 were enough.

    2) Remember, I’m a person of color (American Indian) and was raised with the reality—If I tell you what to call yourself—that’s colonialism. If I tell you what to call me—that’s self-empowerment, which helps explain the 28 categories at the FTM Conference?

    3) I believe I’m mentioned this before, but there’s something called the Klein Grid that addresses this topic: The problem with historical “labels” is that they’re based on actual behavior, which can change over time (The Kinsey Scale has this problem–if I ask you your sexual history at the age of 16, you will probably give a different answer than if I ask you at 46) and don’t touch on fantasy. Just so, is a man married to a woman who straps on a dildo and anally penetrates him while he fantasizes being with another man, still count as a “heterosexual” act? Behaviorally—you betcha! That’s why more modern studies also look at not only the behavior, but the fantasies that go with the behavior. The Klein Grid splits human interactions on a number of levels, so you can have someone with a “high” mark in “homo-social” (prefers to socialize with other men), but scores a low “homo-sexual” because he doesn’t desire to have sex with other men. And like a number of self-identified gay men I’ve met—you can have someone who scores “high” in “homo-sexual” but low in “homo-emotional”—thus a man who will happily have sex with another man but isn’t about to then sleep or cuddle with him. Anyway, check out the Klein Grid for yourself—and check out the Gay Sports site :)

  • Ross

    hmmm, funny. I would probably label myself as “mostly gay” because I somehow get attracted to girls infrequently. I also kinda fantasize having sex with the real beautiful ones…but of course guys still dominate my jerk off fantasies. lol

  • Aaron

    There’s no need for any terms, gay straight etc. Everyone has their own unique spectrum of sexual expression and limiting such things with labels is what causes problems to begin with.

  • SpiffyShindigs

    How can you not fit into one of those four? They literally cover every option. One, the other, both, neither. That’s every combination of two possible.

    If a person perceives stigmas with the titles (bi means slut, etc), then that’s their problem, and not a fault of the accurately named orientations.

  • Alan

    It kinda goes back to that old “Everyone’s bi bit.” I don’t believe it but if you said “just about everyone’s at least a tiny bit bi”, yeah I could see that.

  • Sophie

    I think everyone is at least teeny tiny bit bisexual; we just haven’t all explored our full sexual potential. Not that that’s even a bad thing. I say, people should be allowed to have sex with whoever they feel like without worrying about being labeled one way or the other. Sometimes things aren’t just black and white. We spend too much time agonizing over what exactly it means to be attracted to someone of the same sex or someone of the opposite sex. It shouldn’t define who we are.

  • iDavid

    As one who has been with women and men but now only have sex with men and call myself gay, after reading all these comments, I laid back and felt what it might be like to not label myself any sexual orientation. I gotta say, it was guite freeing.

  • Andy

    @Al: Yeah, I’d like to know where the masculine gay men are. I can’t find them.

  • iDavid

    I think the next time someone asks me my sexual orientation, which is pretty much never, I’ll say Human, ya know, the one that includes it all.

  • Nick Farben

    I know of guys who have mostly gay friends, have slept with plenty of them when drunk, have at some point come out to their parents as bi, and then decided, you know what, I’m not really bi. I really like girls more. I call them dancers, bartenders, musicians, artists, actors…

    I have a friend who is possibly the most effeminate man I know. He had boyfriends as a teenager, lived with a sugar daddy for a couple of years, but now exclusively dates women… I don’t think any of his friends would call him bisexual anymore. When we’re asked, we usually say, “Oh, that’s Sam. He’s a straight.” and we’ll get the usual “Really? No way!” replies.

  • jason

    I’m a great believer that some men undergo an evolution in their sexuality as they grow older. Some straight-identifying men open up to same-sex experiences, some gay-identifying men open up to opposite-sex experiences…it’s all part of the tapestry of personal evolution.

    As I’ve said previously, I don’t like the word “bisexual” because it is often misinterpreted to mean that one’s orientation is equally distributed between men and women. There is no equality of distribution within the definition of bisexual.

  • The Artist

    Labels are silly. Just relax and let the vibe flow. LETITGO. PEACELUVNBWILD!

  • mike

    @Fitz: God, you old crusty types sure like your labels!

    I’m now a full-throttle queer, but in HS and college, I had a blast being “mostly gay” (homoflexible?) and experimenting with men and women. While playing around, it soon became clear that it is guys that really turn me on.

    We should delighted with the idea that young guys are open to some form of conscious male/male bond that includes forms of intimacy. Today’s “mostly straight” or “heteroflexible guys” will become the straight guys who will help put an end to mainstream homophobia.

  • afrolito


    “Today’s “mostly straight” or “heteroflexible guys” will become the straight guys who will help put an end to mainstream homophobia.”

    Sooo naive. :)

  • Michael

    “Heteroflexible.” Love it.

  • DR

    I think a major part of the problem is the constant arguing over the use of the term “bisexual”. Tom Hardy, perfect example. He messed around with guys as a teenager, now everyone wants to label him bisexual because he experimented. He’s not bi, he experimented, there’s a difference.

    When the terms “gay”, “lesbian”, “bisexual” and “queer” have become so damn politicized, who wants to use them to identify themselves, especially when you’re in your early 20s and are still developing an identity and sense of self? Who wants to be called “bisexual” with all the negative baggage attached to it by both the straight and gay communities? And the insistence that you’re “either/or”?

    Back in the day we might have referred to these guys as “queer” or “pansexual”. Let them define themselves. Let them find their own communities and their own ways and enough with the stupid comments.

  • Ly


  • Giovannidude

    If you don’t create a new category, how are you going to get grant money for a new study?

  • JohnnyTrue

    Folks are basically right about this being just about him being bisexual – though that hardly captures what this individual is about.

    I have friends that use – ‘mostly straight’ and some that should. I use mostly gay sometimes (I have had a recent girlfriend) – just so folks know what I really about – if they care. I just think it’s simply a more accurate description.

    It’s good that folks are being more open and that society and WE are letting them discover themselves without trying to fit them into a rigid mold. We should applaud this – not dis this.

  • Dana

    I love the way you describe being ‘mostly straight’ as living a contradiction, I think us ladies have had more social permission to be ‘mostly straight’—we had that one crazy experience in college or something like that–transgressing is exciting, boys should be allowed to do it too

    x Dana

  • Jollysocks

    Oh Lord . . . “mostly straight” equals “I want to fuck guys but keep my straight privilege”. They want to sleep with men without having to deal with the repercussions that we “brainwashed by labels” Gays have to deal with daily.

    Here in the real world, outside the confines of your college “Queer Theory” class, people are indeed gay, straight, or bisexual. Fucking pick one and get the fuck over yourself.

    Also in the real world, we’re fighting for our basic civil rights and don’t have time for people who join the gay pride parade one year and are marrying women the next.

  • ScrumYummy

    This is news…? I thought Kinsey covered this in the 40’s with his scale:

    So these “mostly straight” guys would be a 1 or a 2 on the Kinsey Scale, while heterosexuals are “0”s and bisexuals are “3”s.

    If anything, this article illustrates our need to label EVERYTHING. Which is just human behavior, I think. We want to be able to understand something/someone instantly, with a single word. Although IMHO, the kinsey scale does that just fine. Let’s just refer to each other by numbers and be done with it.

    PS. I’m a “four,” nice to meet you.

  • stnemmoc

    @Jollysocks: How can you have such a problem with this? Actually, how people want to label themselves is none of your fucking business. Some people prefer women mostly, some people prefer men mostly, some people prefer men 100%, some men who are maybe only mostly attracted to women marry women, and so on.

    You sound exactly like someone complaining about same-sex marriage “destroying marriage”. How the fuck does someone saying he is “mostly straight” threaten your civil rights?

  • Marcus


    I think that’s partly true…there will be men and women who will do that to keep their straight privilege, but I really do think that some people want another area in the sexuality/social orthodoxy for them. Bi–to them is too much, so “how about we create something else?” They don’t want to lie and say their straight, which they say they’re not.

    To be honest, if creating more labels helps people better identify themselves, I’m all for it. Labels aren’t going away, I don’t care what anyone says, so this is better than people lying about who they are.

  • steven TR

    Maybe if people spent less time obsessing over this kind of stuff, more people would have made sure prop. 19 passed in California. :(

  • Jollysocks


    “You sound exactly like someone complaining about same-sex marriage “destroying marriage”.

    Actually, it’s articles like this that gives our opponents some of their best talking points: “see, I TOLD YOU they could change their sexual orientation! If you have same sex attractions, pray and God will make you straight!”

    Therein lies the issue. I’m a gay man and I can’t change that (nor would I want to). We are in the fight of our lives trying to get our basic rights, and I don’t need any “queer-come-lately”s whining that the bisexual label isn’t butch enough for them. There is no such thing as “mostly” fighting for our rights. So many of these people just want to get their rocks off and not lift a finger to help the national movement.

    Next thing you know these “mostly straights” will want not one, but two more letters on the LGBTQI train — LGBTQIMS! But what about the bi people who are mostly gay?? LGBTQIMSMG!

    Everyone can identify however they want, but I’m a gay man and I want my rights and I don’t give a fuck about alphabet soup enough to make the “mostly straights” feel comfortable.

  • Giovannidude

    They say if you want to find “mostly straight” guys, just go into the parks some night. You can find them on their knees behind the bushes, with and without wedding rings.

  • FluffyInDrag

    How about this… these guys have the right to identify as whatever the fuck they want. I see nothing wrong with it. If they don’t see it as being bisexual, then they aren’t. I mean, we don’t pick at people who identify as MOSTLY male or MOSTLY female, now, do we?

    Well, I certainly don’t. It’s not my business.

    I think this is really trite, as are the majority of the comments on here. Shame on the lot of you, you hypocrites. Tolerance must go both ways, and for everyone. Not just those who fit your definitions.

  • D'oh, The Magnificent

    There’s an orthodoxy to being bi? I thought it is a catch-all that means whatever you want it to mean. I think this is all about not owning the same – sex attraction part.

  • Aaron

    I find the amount of queer-phobia very disheartening here. Kinsey never proposed sexuality existed in a three-slot system of gay-bi-straight. He proposed that it was a spectrum. In between gay and bi or straight and bi there are experiences and identities that need recognition and visibility. I almost feel like this comment section is filled with bitter gays who just want these men to identify as bi because it makes them feel better about themselves. The more men that identify with bi/gay, the more likely that you’ll get laid? I have no idea. But clearly there is some reason why so many of those making comments here are afraid of the diversity of identities and experiences within same-sex attracted (even if only a little) people.

    Honestly, it is just pathetic. You all need to open your minds a little an d stop being so phobic of identities that are not your own. Otherwise you might as well just go join the Mormon church or something.

  • haji727

    @Alan: Bi is just another glorified way of being gay. Most that claim to be “bi” haven’t had pussy since pussy had them. Being “bi” just multiplies your chances of getting some ass/sex by 2, when one won’t the other will. That is how I see it.

  • Swimmer

    I’ve mostly stopped calling myself bisexual because I’m tired of explaining it. I just go with queer and if someone calls me gay, that’s just fine. What I call my non-straightness does not really matter to me and certainly not to straight people. Maybe I should be fighting the evil biphobia but it’s just too much for me to add on top of dealing with the homophobia.

  • Joe

    I think we live in a society that likes to put everyone in a box. When I lived in a certain large Midwestern City, as a gay man, I had experiences with more “straight” men than guys that considered themselves bi or otherwise. I believe all men possess an interest at some level in other men. It is a question of whether they act on it. Some do and some do not. But, I am hearing this new term man crush. It is the same thing. I think it is a safe way for straight men to identify with at the very least envying or imitating another man. I think as the years progress it will likely be more like Ancient Rome where bisexuality was no big deal.

  • afrolito

    Your statement makes no sense. If your ‘non-straightness’ doesn’t matter to straight people, then how are you dealing with bi and homophobia?

  • Anotherian

    Since homosexuality no longer carries the societal stigma it once did many men feel free(er) to consider the possibility of experimentation. Feelings of same sex attraction or curiosity that once would be strongly repressed are now no big deal. I think the “bromance” phenomenon is part of this cultural liberation allowing men the space to admit emotional connections to other men, and admit the importance of that connection. Sometimes friendship can morph into something more if both parties are open to it. It happened to me, but I said no. I didn’t want to risk our friendship so he could experiment. I told him (he’s straight, I’m gay) to find a nice guy and report back to me, but he said he only wanted to try it with me. I still said no.

  • Anotherian

    Sure those things still happen, but it’s still easier and generally more acceptable to be openly gay now than it ever was. Fewer and fewer gay people feel a closeted and fearful life is all they’ll ever have. That’s thanks to all the hard work gay rights activists have put in over the last 50 years. Recent studies show, especially among younger and college age people, being gay is no big deal. I never said the world is a big fab gay utopia, but it’s better than it was, and hence more men can feel comfortable about being “mostly straight”.

  • afrolito


    I’m 27 years old, and have yet to meet anyone who describes himself as ‘mostly straight’…and I live in New York City. Of course things are a way better for gays than they ever were, but the stigma against homosexuality is still there. Young college students are the ones helped drive a gay student to suicide a few weeks ago. They thought his gayness was a big enough deal to make fun of, record, and distribute for laughs. Perhaps he would still be alive if he was ‘mostly straight’ though.

  • Swimmer

    @afrolito: Said nothing about my non-straightness not mattering. That would be a little unreal, in this world. What I wrote is that what I call it does not matter to straight people.

  • afrolito


    What you call your ‘non straightness’ definitely doesn’t mean anything to the bashers and homophobes who hate you, and vote against your rights all over this country.

  • kae

    oh god, there’s nothing new under the sun; this has been going on for years. guys playing/fooling around or experimenting or discovering they’re bisexual or whatever you care to call it. They usually make a choice in the end and its usually a woman they choose because 1. their main attraction is to women, 2. they want kids (a big part of it); 3. its just easier to meet a woman and settle down 4. sexual feelings (especially sporadic) are not the b-all and end-all of life. Human sexuality is imprecise, necessarily. Labels are an approximation; they do not contain all the possibilities of experience. They are necessary for political purposes but i dont think we should get too hung up on them from a private perspective.

  • Dave

    These guys are bisexual but closeted or in denial about it and they want to hold onto the idea of being heterosexual or straight when they’re not straight since they either have sex with men or are at least sexually attracted to men making them bisexual.

    Nobody really talks about bisexual men on the other end of the sexuality spectrum, Kinsey scale, Klein Grid or whatever you want to call it. Or the bisexual men who are way more into men for sex/romance yet are not gay/homosexual because they are bisexual.

    The artist/photographer Robert Mapplethorpe was bisexual and he was clearly more into men yet was bisexual because he fell in love with and had sexual attraction to women including Patti Smith and Lisa Lyons.

  • Dave

    As for the Kinsey scale Zero is straight and 6 is gay/lesbian. Anything and everything inbetween is bisexual.

    Kinsey never claimed that everyone is bisexual or sexually attracted to both genders. He just wrote about sexuality being on a scale and about the many ways someone can be bisexual.

  • Bill Homans

    I’m bisexual, have been my whole life. My male lovers (I was married to one of them, who eventually, after 13 years, decided to marry a woman) have always been bisexual, not that we’ve actually gone out and found each other on that basis, but that’s whom we’ve been attracted to, as regards men.

    My male lover of today also does not live with me, but may, when the real estate market recovers in the state of …….. and he figures he won’t take too much of a hit. The three of us are monogamous with each other (at our ages, 61, 61 and 57, we are mature enough to be that, and wait until the other circumstances in our three lives are such that we can afford the emotional and financial space to live with one another), bacause we are not going to de-naturalize the lovemaking we do with each other by using condoms. We go bareback and always have.

    I have had two wives and other heterosexual affairs. In at least one case, I wish I had the one that got away, rather than the two that didn’t, LOL, Siiggghh… My female lover (who like the male one, does not live with me, but that may change when she no longer must care for her very aged– 91– father) is probably the last woman that I will have a serious relationship with– I judge myself to be (my personal history shows me to be) “somewhat more homosexual than heterosexual, but capable of complete sexual and emotional relationships with both sexes. Simultaneously.”


    Give this “QUEER” stuff a rest! “QUEER” was a fighting word when I was growing up in the 50s-60s in the South), and every time some of you clueless young homosexuals use the word to self-identify, you create, and confirm, unreconstructed homophobes. Public relations is something gays ought to have some idea of (gays don’t tend to be grunt laborers and truckers as I have been, they like to work in “nice” settings), but they keep on with this “QUEER” stuff (whole college departments called “Queer Studies”?? Gimme a flippin break), and with this kaleidoscopic “preference”– uh, “orientation”– and creating as many emotionally confirmed enemies as intellectually tolerant (they might answer a poll as gay-tolerant) friends. This “QUEER” shit has got to stop. You people who think you are
    “appropriating the slurs of your oppressors” are freaking clueless.

    “Hi, J’m Josh Weinstein, and I’m a KIKE. So’s my girl Yetta here. Hey, us and our nigger friends Rashaan and Taisha, and our queer gook friend Nyguyen Cam, are going to the movies, wanna come?”

    When you ever hear Jews, or Blacks, or Vietnamese, identify themselves to the “outside world” by the worst slurs available, you run here and tell me.

    I am “out” where necessary– family, including my daughter, and deepext, longest friends– but I do not identify myself by my sexual orientation– and I am a public figure, go to– but, rather, by my other life accomplishments and talents.

    My name is William P. Homans, you may call me Bill, and I live in Mississippi, the most homophobic place in the US, according to a map recently published at this site.

  • Bill Homans


    The more you call yourself “queer” the more you perpetuate the homophobia. Unreconstructed homophobes love it when the object of their unreasoning hate confirms what they ignorantly believe. Yo, wake up, you morons?!

  • regulargayguy

    Bill Homans in comment 72 talks sense. In the UK, The National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles – NATSAL, available through Amazon here – is the title of two huge surveys of 20,000 Britons randomly selected to represent the views of the whole population in 1990 and 2000. It showed that only a small minority lead wholly gay lifestyles throughout their lives. Otherwise-straight men are most likely to seek physical gay outlets at three life stages: in the potency of late adolescence/early adulthood, upon divorce when sexual experiment is likely, and upon retirement when time weighs heavy.

  • Dave

    @Bill Homans-
    Queer is NOT a slur word.

    GLBT-Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Trans people have reclaimed the word queer and redefined it.

    Language changes, words get redefined, and take on new meanings.

    For me, Queer is more of a social/political/aesthetic/ethical position than a statement of personal taste or style. It means rejecting the centrality of hetero-normative standards, refusing to accept as “natural” ANY expression of sexuality, or of gender identity. As a theory/practice, it is extremely liberating. I can think of many self-identified gay people whom I would not consider queer (including some bears: though the movement began as a liberating alternative a monolithic gay style, many bears are dismissive of and hostile to androgynous or feminine men), and quite a few people who as bisexuals are cheifly attracted to people of the opposite sex, but whose ways of understanding and enacting gender and sexuality distinctly qualify them as queer.

  • SG

    @QJersey, don’t be so sure about that.

    I’m bisexual and not into getting fucked or being a bottom.

    The irony is that a gay man like you is claiming that there’s something wrong with being a voracious cocksucker or being an anal sex bottom.

    Then again you live in Jersey, nuff said.

  • SG

    @DR: Tom Hardy is a closeted bisexual. If he were really heterosexual or straight he would not have experimented or had sex with men at all.

    These guys are bisexual but are just closeted about it and want to try to hold onto being heterosexual.

    Terms like “Mostly straight” and “Heteroflexible” are just other terms for being bisexual.

  • Bill Homans


    Well, we can agree to disagree on this one.

    I’m betting that of all the kids who’ve been committing suicide lately, a majority were taunted with the word “queer”. Boys, after all, learn from their fathers, and nothing could be more natural than a middle-school to very-young-adult male, only beginning to explore his own sexuality, whose dad is always talking about “queers”, might choose to pick on another kid who looks or sounds effeminate in that way. This concept of “appropriating the slurs of your oppressors” doesn’t resonate with me, as I explained above.

    But I can see you have considered this and chosen it for yourself, so good luck, sir.

    Bill Homans

  • Trent_K

    @Dave: Good luck trying to explain anything to Homans. He thinks ‘queer’ is the worst slur in existence, yet he calls me “faggot” regularly.

  • Trent_K

    @Bill Homans:
    And you’d LOSE that bet! Most of the suicides involved language that you use AGAINST ME on a regular basis! ‘Queer’ wasn’t a factor at all.

  • Trent_K

    “”QUEER” was a fighting word when I was growing up in the 50s-60s in the South)”

    That’s just it. This ISN’T the 50s and 60s! Times change.

    Signed, QUEER Trent

  • Justin Thyme

    Like arguing the differecnes between pansexual and omnisexual.

  • Kent

    I really like the black and white photo of the two shaggy haired guys kissing and would like to get a larger version of the image for a painting. Do you have a link?

  • Max the Communist

    @Jollysocks: I have to say that I mostly agree with you–okay, so you’re a “mostly straight,” flexible het, don’t-put-me-in-the-bi-corner kind of guy–how are you on queer equality? Did you pause to think about the necessity of LGBTQ getting equal rights? Or were you so self-absorbed in establishing your slightly-queer identity you just kinda forgot?

  • Yusuf

    @Andy: in what universe are u living in which “gay” is synonymous with “effeminate” or lesbian is synonymous with “butch”? There are effeminate “hetero” men and butch “gay” men. Gender performance is not the same as sexual preference. Its just that dominant, oppressive heteronormative culture is more comfortable with “effeminate” gays and “butch” lesbians. The frequency of the butch Homothug (“white”, brown or “black”) disturbs the heteronormative ideology.

  • Estraven

    I use something even simpler than Kinsey and Klein. People can be anywhere from 0% gay (or straight) to 100% (totally gay). The bisexuals like myself who are in the 40% to 60% range are pretty equally attracted to both genders, clearly know we are bi, and most likely ID as bi. But what about the people who are 70% straight, 30% gay? 75% straight, 25% gay? etc. They really are mostly straight. Most of their attractions will be to the opposite sex. In the old days of total intolerance and sodomy laws, they probably would have just stuffed those attractions. But as previous posters have pointed out, although we have a LONG way to go yet, at least in some places in some parts of the country these days it is relatively safe to express a same-sex attraction. So when Mr. Right comes along, they do.

    I am a rabid activist bisexual, but I have learned that no one can force anyone to take on an identity that they don’t feel is theirs. Someone who is 80% straight and 20% gay, who very occasionally has mutually consenting, one-night stand sex with other men when he’s between girlfriends, but who intends to settle down and marry a woman, is mostly straight.

    When you ask about lifetime sexual activity, the percent of the population who have had sexual contact with someone of the same gender is about a third, depending on the study. Is it frustrating to me that we can’t get all of these people (those who are not GLT) to identify as bisexual and active in the queer rights movement? Extremely. But the best way to do this is to reduce biphobia in both the gay and straight communities.

  • Jon G.

    This is one of my favorite topics. I describe myself as a bi male, but it doesn’t mean I’m attracted to most guys or to most women. I would say I prefer the people who I love, lust and care about. Gender isn’t the issue. There’s actually no good definition of this that I’m aware of.

  • Queerboy

    I’ve self-identified as bisexual for 12 years. I prefer ‘queer’ but only because I’m a little odd and it seemed like a good way to quash that identifying charactertistic with my sexuality.

    I also liked it because gay men are (were?) VICIOUS towards bisexuals. I can’t tell you the number of times I encountered contempt for my ‘lack of choice’. I’d remind them that sexuality wasn’t a two-party democracy and that I wasn’t the equivalent of a Nader vote. (It had more relevance at the time.) Mostly, though, it seemed to have the same underpinnings as a lot of homophobia – fear caused by seeing a true reflection of yourself in somebody else. I could sympathize with that, as any hetero experimentation for an out gay man would just be seen as ‘backsliding’ to most yokels. But hey, don’t blame me because you feel victim to the misconception that any attraction to men meant you had to plunge deep into the ‘homosexual lifestyle’.

  • racetoinfinity

    @Yusuf: Typical over-the-top politically orthodox ideology. Blaming everything on the environment and the culture/society and looking at the individual as a blank slate. It is both. It is not sexual preference, it is orientation, and most gay men are more feminine than straight men, and most gay women are more masculine than straight women. Just use your experience, instead of your idealistic wishful thinking. It’s inborn, and thank God for it. Typical evasion of reality and responsibility. Yes the culture is still homophobic, at least the less educated part of it, but is the “A-List” world of NYC? Of course not. So, why are so many of the men on the show on the feminine side? It’s because it’s who we are, and no reason to be ashamed of it.

  • racetoinfinity

    If only men arouse you, you’re gay; if only women arouse you, (and I mean to the point of lasting erection), you’re straight; if both sexes (at times) arouse you, you’re bi. End of discussion. To the poster who said he’s not attracted to gay men because they’re “effeminate,” (“feminine” is the proper term) there is a minority of 100% gay men who are as masculine as you could want, without putting on an act, but given the mystery of what part genetics and prenatal hormones play in sexual orientation, it may be that bisexual men are born with more masculine characteristics than gay men (but fewer than straight ones-thus you prefer other bisexual men) – but then, none of this is settled scientific or sociological/psychological fact set of knowledge yet, just experience and observation.

  • Moira

    @Max the Communist:

    Where in the world do you get the idea that mostly-straight people aren’t active in the queer rights movement? I identify as bisexually open-minded, as I’m probably a Kinsey 1 (predominantly heterosexual), and I’m more involved in the queer rights movement than many exclusively gay men I know. I’m involved in several LGBT organizations, I attend rallies and protests, and I always vote with LGBT rights in mind.

    And it’s not like I’m the only one either. I have many friends who are mostly attracted to the other sex who fight for LGBT rights alongside those with a solid LGBT identity. And even those who aren’t super-active are still extemely supportive and socially liberal. The fact that we’re mostly straight doesn’t make us closeted bigots.

  • junior-16

    I think that like women these guys have a broader perception of love. These guys are as gay as straight women who have girlfriends=friends who are girls (not lesbians). The only reason these MOSTLY STRAIGHT guys would have sex with another man is because men are hornier than women.

    Take away the sex and these guys are just very relationally intimate people… like women.

    Bi or not bi they just love having relasionships with people.

  • Jakehard49

    Bi, heteroflexibel…mostly Straight. Labels. With the exception of men who are either only attracted to men or only attracted to women…..meaningless labels. Based on the few research studies done, the majority of men experience SGA at some point in their lives. The degree, frequency and duration men experience SGA varies widely. There is no gay gene. Domineering Mother…absent Father, may be the cause of other neurosis…doesn’t cause SGA. SGA is not some subset of male sexuality…it is fundamental to it. It exists as a product of evolution. Check out this website on the evolutionary imperatives of SGA… Men become erect and orgasm. Lots of stimuli cause men to become erect and orgasm. Including SGA.

  • DreZoma

    It’s shame how late I am; This joke would’ve been more relevant next to earlier postings :/ OH WELL…


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