“Fag hag” refers to a woman who hangs predominantly with gay men. But most of our close female friends would kill us if they knew we regularly referred to them as “hags” and a lot of our gay male friends don’t like being called “fags” either. So what’s a boy to call his go-to-girl? Gawker’s Bryan Moylan has an idea!
First, here’s Moylan’s beef with the word “fag hag”:
“… it’s degrading to women by calling them “hags” and, if you’ve spent any time with the women who hang around gays in New York you’ll know that they are often more attractive and well put together than the average lady.
“Also, it refers to their gay friends as “fags” something we wouldn’t even tolerate if Liza Minnelli called us that (maybe Judy, but not Liza!). When we toss it around to each other, that’s kind of OK, but… (straight) Americans… are using [“fag hag” too, so] maybe we need something with a better message…”
Hag” also carries a negative connotation of ugliness and desperation (ie. “the hag can’t get a real boyfriend, that’s why she hangs out with fags”). But the problem, as Moylan points out, is that all the alternatives for “fag hag” suck:
“Most people fight for ‘fruit fly,’ but… a fly is also a pest, a nuisance. The girls that hang around with predominantly gay men usually aren’t that at all…
Sometimes gay guys will call their female companions “an honorary gay man” since they’ve spent about as much time as actual gay dudes scoping out bulges at gay bars. One gay friend once scolded me for having to find any word at all for my female friend. He said, “Why don’t you just call her your friend? Why do you have to label everything?” To which I said, “Shut up, stewpid.”
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Being slightly more sophisticated in this matter than I, Moylan prefers the new word suggested by his colleague, Jezebel writer Anna North. The word is “gabe”—a combination of “gay” and “babe” that is infinitely more flattering than “fag hag.”
But some people could argue that by calling women “babes,” we seek to infantalize them, treating them as if they are somehow less mature or powerless without the care of gay adult men. In fact, it’s often the other way around, with the woman in a group of gay guys providing a supportive core for her fellas.
But that logical argument leaves us yet again without a suitable synonym for “fag hag.” So I will simply respond to it by saying, “Shut up, stewpid,” and leaving the floor open for any better suggestions.
Image via Tri3vid
v
“Why don’t you just call her your friend? Why do you have to label everything?”
Agree.
divkid
* ‘mo-doe (or quasi-‘mo doe) no? thought not. next.
JayKay
“Why don’t you just call her your friend? Why do you have to label everything?”
This is a perfectly reasonable question.
Why, exactly, do your female friends need their own special designation? Do you have a special label for your straight male friends too? Why do straight women need their own fancy little title just for spending their lives hounding after gay guys?
There’s no good reason why “friend” doesn’t work just fine.
Evan Mulvihill
@divkid: Modoe is amazing.
divkid
to be honest i term them “straight-bait”. ; P
Michael DeSelms
Altho’ Modoe is great…I just prefer to call them “friend”. Growing up in the 60’s {yes I’m old} fag is not a term of endearment. But then, I’m not one to use terms like fag, dyke, ni**er, or say terms like “whats up my bitches”. Terms that degrade a person make the user themselves sound stewpid. Just saying thats all. Love to one and all. Happy Holidays.
Scott
“fag hag” is pejorative because it refers to a woman who is undesirable to most straight men. She’s usually fat with unkempt, long hair, maybe smells, and has no self esteem. She hangs with gay men because they treat her with respect for her personhood which is a novel idea to her. They long to sleep with the gay men because no other men treat them with respect. They’re desperate.
If your female companion doesn’t fit this description then she’s not a fag hag, she’s a friend. Or the gay man is HER girlfriend. Or the gay man is using her because he’s afraid of commitment. Go get married! It’s legal in a couple of states.
Gabe
no just no dont even think about it
christopher di spirito
“Fag hag?” Seriously? Who says that?
Daniel S
Gabe is too close to Gaby ( newly out or young gays joining an established gay friend group) my friend group are not that bright and will surely become confused.
Joetx
“One gay friend once scolded me for having to find any word at all for my female friend. He said, ‘Why don’t you just call her your friend?'”
We should all follow your friend’s advice.
Gay men who use the word “fag” are as stupid as black people who use the N-word. There’s no need to reclaim terms of hatred/ignorance.
Fitz
Instead of Fag Hag, can I call them Tranny?
Honestly, the word police trend thing that Queerty has devolved to is SO not working for me.
Fitz
And PS: we always call our Fag Hags “Debbie”.
Cam
“”The word is “gabe”—a combination of “gay” and “babe” that is infinitely more flattering than “fag hag.””
_________________-
And how long will it be before somebody determines that THIS word is insulting because it has the word “Babe” in it? Or until somebody decides that the word “Gay” is derogatory etc…
Fitz
@Cam: Exactly. A bunch of wasted energy looking for
things to be offended at.
Folks– we got REAL
problems. GLBT youth homelessness. Housing discrimination. 36 states where it is still legal to deny you a job, a mortgage, or membership in a home association because you like the penga. GLBT suicide rates? Substance abuse related mortality? REAL stuff. Oh.. and a little virus which seems to be kinda catchy– that one? Yep, still out there. As our the social conditions that allowed it to evolve– so, guess what: AIDS II is probably in the pipes. (so to speak). And that’s not even touching the international stuff.
Stop with the petty language police, look at the big shit.
ggreen
IMHO most of the “hags” I have met over the years hang out with professional homosexuals or “fags” with usually one similar purpose. Black out drinking while raising hell in public and being as obnoxious as possible.
Kev C
Parasite – probably wouldn’t be flattering, I’m guessing.
Jeff
Fag hag or fruit fly is a perfectly fine term to use, Margaret Cho calls herself a fag hag.
QJ201
If we are talking about straight girls that hang out in gay spaces…then cockblockers will do.
jason
I often question a woman’s desire to be in the presence of gay men. It’s almost as pervy as the desire of straight men to be in the midst of lesbians.
I’m not saying that gay men and women can’t be friends, I’m simply addressing the fetishistic side of it. Personally, I think women have a guilty conscience. Women know that they are the main driving forces of homophobia in society, and thus seek to compensate somewhat by pretending to be gay-friendly.
WillBFair
The language police are getting on my nerves.
I’m old school and appreciate gay traditions of camp, gender bending, and the rich world of gay slang. Sure it’s often cruel, but it’s also a way of defanging our enemies. Among family, it’s fun and clever and charming.
But now trans people’s victim complex has run amuck, and we all have to sanitize our speech by order of people who don’t even like us. For proof, look at the venom spat on gay men on any of the trans blogs in the past few months.
Well, forget it. I’m not willing to erase a rich and brilliant culture on the whim of the pc set.
WillBFair
Another point. We’re men, honey. That means we’re often raunchy and vulgar and cruel. Get over it. If trans men want into the club, they might start by acting the part.
jason
Transexuals are not gay. Transexuals are the opposite of gay. They’re running away from being thought of as gay.
I can never understand why the gay community bows to the transgender community. Maybe it’s political correctness. In any case, it’s going to cost us dearly unless we stop this nonsense here and now.
That’s not to say that anti-transgender prejudice should be treated lightly. Any form of prejudice is unacceptable, including that against trans-genders.
DenverBarbie
When this ultra-femme and non-hetero lady was not accepted by the queer girl community growing up, the boys rushed to her rescue. Subsequently I identify with gay men with greater affection and intensity than with women, and choose to affiliate with their circles. So, I’ve heard all of these terms and then some! I’m not particularly offended by this language, but I’m never compelled to use these terms when describing myself. I am waaaay too young (and waaaaay to pretty) to be a “hag,” and I’d like to think my company is more enjoyable than that of a buzzing bug. I’ve also heard the admittedly less offensive “flame dame” several times.
I suppose the overarching reason I get a little bit peeved (not to the point of scolding or eye-rolling) is these terms make me seem like an outsider. Someone who is not a part of the gay community, doesn’t get it, and has a propensity for acting in ways that are obnoxious and exploitive (“This is my gaaaay friend! Isn’t he so cute?!”).
“Have you met my friend?” or “This is Kristin.”
These will suffice. 🙂
DenverBarbie
@jason:
“That’s not to say that anti-transgender prejudice should be treated lightly. Any form of prejudice is unacceptable, including that against trans-genders.”
This includes misogyny right, Jason?
Fitz
@DenverBarbie: We love you Barbie, but one of the rules here is never engage Jason. xo
MKe
I’m not hearing ‘gabe’ i don’t think that will work. But faghag does need to go.
DenverBarbie
@Fitz: That has to be my third or fourth strike, too! I’m sorry.
I’ll try harder to resist next.
Chadboy
I’m sticking with the classic “fag hag”. The need to constantly change terms in our “community” is getting annoying. Next thing you know Queerty is going to want change “gay” because most gays aren’t truly happy.
WillBFair
@DenverBarbie: The term fag hag is not meant unkindly. It’s just a rhyme, a name for our straight lady friends. It’s more silly gay slang.
Don’t let the perpetually offended crowd upset you.
We adore you, darling. We, above all, know the value of friendship.
Scott Bonzitski
It NEVER ceases to amaze me what little things people blog about and have the time to do so when such other pressing issues are at hand in this world…so…off I go. I was just stopping by to see what was [not] happening here…SB
WillBFair
@Scott Bonzitski: Obviously, your’re not intersted in kindness between people. Fine.
But we have an obligation to straight women who have been friends and mentors for us for many years. Again. All so called fag hags, know that you are welcome here.
13Zeroither
In my opinion, I think the term ‘faghag’ needs to go.
However, as much I love my female-friends-who-mainly-hangs-out-with-gay-males,
there are some nights where me and the guys just really REALLY want to get laid, but she wants to hang out with us when we are trying to hook up. This is what I would say to them:
“I understand that you’re lonely right now and you want to hang out with us for the night, but we just want to get laid and we don’t want to babysit you okay? I’m sorry, but I’m hooking up with somebody right now that’s gonna make me call him ‘daddy’ for the night. Maybe next time we can hang out. Call you tomorrow.”
Scott Bonzitski
@WillBfair: How can you possibly state that I “Obviously, [am] not intersted in kindness between people” when you state the following: “Well, forget it. I’m not willing to erase a rich and brilliant culture on the whim of the pc set.” I was basically saying that what ever two individuals agree to refer to each other is their business. I do not think it needs to be brought up for a vote. It’s petty $hit to be blogging about. Even though I am here doing so it is only because of stating why I think this blog is moot…SB
Godiva
As if Gabe will ever catch on… I’ll stick to being politically incorrect until there’s an alternative that actually fits.
Fitz
It is now my goal to say the words Fag Hag and Tranny with each Queerty post.
Be sure and let me know if there are any other words you kids don’t understand but don’t like.
beerwad
How about we stop telling people what words they can or cannot use because someone (after dozens of years) suddenly decided it’s offensive? How about we stop having such a thin skin about everything and learn how to laugh it off? My best gal pal is proud to call herself a fag hag, as I am proud to call myself a fag. And we’re proud to be old-fashioned, if that’s what it makes us (I’m 34, and she’s gorgeous and fabulous at 50). If the younger fag hags these days are so offended by the term, they can come up with something else, but don’t tell us how to identify ourselves.
Cam
Fag Hag…now available on Barnes and Noble Nook. LOL
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/fag-hag-robert-rodi/1103061200
the other Greg
@Scott Bonzitski: You can try the Advocate comments for bragging about how long you’ve been married and bitching about These Kids Today (Stay Off My Lawn). They love that Gay Andy Rooney stuff over there!
Kurtis
Fairy Godmother.
Gabe
I never use this phrase because it’s for kids, but FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Signed
Gabe
Bryan
Gabe does seem to be a much better word, but anyone who uses “faghag” to begin with, needs to be shot. Stupid word.
Chi-Town
let’s call them – “placeholder” – the person you can hang out with until you can get dick.
lemon-lime
I always thought “Fag Hag” was a term limited for use with straight girls who refuse to get out there and find their own men and instead use their gay friends as emotional surrogates.
“Hag” because they will forever be complaining about being single, and yet do absolutely nothing to fix their own situation. They usually have a poor self-esteem fueling this situation. Gay men represent an oasis of positive reinforcement that is based on their person-hood, but we wind up being emotional crutches. I seldom use the term myself, but I understand that these ladies can become frustrating enough that the term fits. I’ve also heard it used endearingly, much like Sassy Gay Friend’s usage of the phrase: “You’re a stupid bitch!”
As for me, the straight friends I go out with are referred to as my … straight friends. Or have we decided that is too offensive a term to use now?
jeff4justice
I’ll just call my female friends “friend” or by their name.
Also, it’s really ok if you’re a gay guy without a best female friend.
I’d rather my best friend be the guy I fall in love with.
Anytime
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away “fag hag” didn’t mean your best gal pal. It was derogatory for a reason. I fag hag is a chick that stalks gay men romantically. It is something of a pest or nuissance. I would extend it to mean those chick that only see gay men a fashion accessory and therefore only gravitate toward the sassy boys that uphold their sex in the city stereotype of gay men.
declanto
Why do i suspect that someone has a book to sell? On LGBTQR(and sometimes Y)Protocols and “etiquette? Someone who appears sporadicly on Queerty?
declanto
@Scott Bonzitski: Do you ever post here when you don’t lecture others about their shortcomings? Just askin’.
k8dotcom
I was told, “Honey, you’re not a fag hag. You’re a fairy princess!”
Alex
I have to admit, this issue won’t be keeping me up at night. But why not just refer to them as friends.
wiredpup
Well, I have have the same fag hag for over 20 years now. And I never dubbed her that, she did, and still uses it. This world of political correctness is getting far out of hand. I don’t mind being called a faggot, especially during those really hot times….got off track there, the point is, you can’t force others to be called something their not, I hate the word homosexual it’s too clinical. Give me fag, queer, I’ll even take cocksucker. It’s my choice, it’s who I am. I remember once in jr hi school being called a faggot, and was like, thanks dude, sorry you’re not one. 2 years later we made out at the freshman dance in high school, out back. But then you have the poor girl who desperate to have a gay friend. We’re not accessories. Some of us, gasp, know nothing wbout fashion. But I can build a pretty sweet garden.
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