It’s Tuesday, and It’s Super

Mitt Romney:
Same-Sex Marriage: Are you fucking kidding? This kid’s waaay against same-sex marriage. Or, he is today. Romney’s got a long history of flip-flopping on equality. He once promised his Massachusetts supporters that he’d fight for gay marriage. And he did – until he decided he needed to build his conservative base and fought against his own people. Now he claims he always opposed those sinful vows – and even civil unions!: “From day one I’ve opposed the move for same-sex marriage and its equivalent, civil unions.” He’s so gross.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell: Romney tells it like it is: homos have no place in our military ranks. He told ABC last February: “Don’t ask, don’t tell’ has worked well. We’re in the middle of a conflict. Now is not the time for a change in that regard, and I don’t have a policy posture as to allowing gays in the military to serve there openly.” Do Republican voters count?

Trans-Inclusive ENDA: This is rhetorical, right? Of course Romney doesn’t support a trans-inclusive ENDA. He did, however, once hint that he approves of an employment non-discrimination act that protects gay folk – on a state level, of course.

John McCain:
Same-Sex Marriage: Ah, McCain’s another flip-flopping Republican. Noticing a pattern here? The Arizonian Senator once said he wouldn’t support a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. That’s no longer the case. In fact, he even signed one for his home state.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell: McCain claims his military friends told him DADT works, so he’s all about it: “I recently had a conversation with some other military leaders on this issue and their point to me was ‘It’s working, so leave it alone. Generally, overall, it’s working.’” Never mind the fact that perfectly good soldiers are being denied or booted simply because they’re a bit bent.

Trans-Inclusive ENDA: Again, the issue comes down to “special rights,” which McCain doesn’t endorse. Still, we can’t imagine him fighting a state level act.

Ron Paul:
Same-Sex Marriage: Ron Paul doesn’t support gay marriage, but this Libertarian certainly doesn’t approve of any constitutional amendment prohibiting queer ceremonies. Such an act would violate America’s federalism – this is the only time we ever approve of federalism.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell: Here’s where Paul differs from some Libertarians: he supports closet-cases in the trenches, calling DADT a “decent policy”. He makes sure to point out, however, that it’s not because people are gay, per se: “…If there is homosexual behavior in the military that is disruptive, it should be dealt with. But if there’s heterosexual behavior that is disruptive, it should be dealt with. So it isn’t the issue of homosexuality. It’s the concept and the understanding of individual rights. If we understood that, we would not be dealing with this very important problem.” Does that make sense to anyone else? We’re stumped.

Trans-Inclusive ENDA: Forget the trannies, Paul doesn’t even support an ENDA which includes gay folk. Again, Paul’s not about fucking with the constitution, even if it means giving people equal protection under the law.

Mike Huckabee:
Same-Sex Marriage: Huckabee once likened gay marriage to bestiality and necrophilia. That said, do you think he supports same-sex marriage? No, of course not! He doesn’t support any recognition for gay relationships, unless it’s a pink triangle, or something.

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell: Again, Huckabee isn’t down with gay people. And he’s certainly not down with gays in the military.

Trans-Inclusive ENDA: Seriously? No, Mike Huckabee doesn’t endorse a trans-inclusive ENDA. Unless it’s in hell.