freak out

Ivanka’s in “extremely frantic damage control mode” as she scrambles to figure out what to do next

Credit: YouTube screenshot

This just in: As her father’s failed presidency enters its last dying days, Ivanka Trump is allegedly freaking out over what she’s going to do with her life after she’s thrust back into the real world come January.

A new report in Vanity Fair claims Ivanka is in “extremely frantic damage control mode” as she attempts to rebrand herself while simultaneously rewriting history, trying to paint the Trump administration out to be something other than a giant, one-term failure.

Not only is she taking credit for things the administration isn’t responsible for, like lowering CO2 emissions…

(The reason greenhouse gasses are down isn’t because of any of Trump’s policies. It’s because Americans have been locked down for months on end as a result of his botched efforts to manage to coronavirus pandemic.)

She’s also trying to claim that the Trump administration is responsible for the Dow Jones Industrial Average hitting an all-time high…

(Economists say the reason the Dow is up is because investors are relieved Trump is on his way out and Biden’s going to be president.)

When she’s not spinning false narratives about her father’s non-accomplishments, she’s firing off angry tweets accusing New York investigations of “harassment” for looking into alleged tax fraud committed by herself and the Trump Organization.

As far as possible post-White House employment opportunities go, there are rumors Ivanka is considering multiple reality TV offers, including a possible stint on Dancing With the Stars.

A career in politics, however, seems off the table. In addition to being wholly unqualified for public service, as well as a demonstrated record of failure in policy making, a recent poll found voters overwhelmingly reject the idea of her ever running for office.

And as for housing, Business Insider reports that she and Jared are planning to move to New Jersey come January after receiving a “hostile” response when they floated the idea of returning to New York.

The couple is reportedly planning to expand their property at Trump’s golf club in Bedminster, adding some extra cottages, a recreation and spa area, and a helicopter pad.

Brand manager Donny Deutsch says he believes the couple “will even have a harder time than Trump himself” at reintegrating back into New York society, if they can even do it at all.

“He’s despicable but larger than life,” Deutsch says. “Those two are the hapless minions who went along.”

Ivanka’s former BFF, Lysandra Ohrstrom, concurs. In a Vanity Fair op-ed published earlier this month, she said she believes the first daughter will have trouble reentering their old friend circle.

“I’ve been a good Wasp and kept quiet until now, even as I’ve grown increasingly repulsed by Ivanka’s ability to aid and abet her father,” Ohrstrom wrote. “I’ve been comforted by the certainty that the backlash from those whose respect she craves most must sting.”

Related: Ivanka implies she might be moving to the moon or Mars, Twitter overwhelmingly approves