Hi Jake,
My boyfriend and I moved in together during quarantine. At that point, we had only been together for about six months, but it made sense financially, and it felt right. In the beginning, everything was awesome. We had sex every day, sometimes multiple times a day, and got to know each other really, really well. Now, quarantine is over. We’re still both working from home. But things have changed. The sex is fine but not what it used to be, and I’ve started masturbating, usually at least once or twice a day. The problem is, I feel like I need to hide it from him, as if I’m cheating. We only have a two-bedroom, so keeping it secret can sometimes be difficult. Is it weird that I feel like I’m doing something wrong? I find myself doing it secretly in the shower, behind closed doors, or only when he’s out of the apartment, and I have a fear I’m going to get caught. Is this normal?
Cheating with Myself
Dear Cheating with Myself,
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Ah, the age-old question, “Is masturbation cheating?” Cheating usually involves some sort of betrayal, a refusal to be completely upfront and honest about what one wants sexually, or acting out to meet those needs behind a partner’s back. If there’s some sort of rule or agreement in your relationship that each partner is not allowed to masturbate, then yes, I suppose you would be breaking that. But in your case, as in most cases, no one is expecting their significant other to deny themselves such a harmless act of fulfillment.
Sex is something that can be experienced in many different ways, and in many different forms. Masturbation is a completely normal, fun, and healthy part of sexual expression. And watching porn, or indulging in your own private fantasies, is just another way to add a little variety. As sex educator and therapist, Chris Donaghue, puts in in his book, “Rebel Love: Break the Rules, Destroy Toxic Habits, and Have the Best Sex of Your Life”: “Would you eat the same dinner every night for the rest of your life?” Sometimes we need “newness”, and as long as you can accomplish that in a respectful and honest way, without shame, what’s the harm?
A common misconception is that masturbation is withholding something from your partner, or rejecting your partner in some way by choosing yourself. This is just not true. Now, if you’re upset that you and your partner have stopped having sex completely, that’s a different story, and you might want to look into LGBTQ couples therapy.
Masturbation also doesn’t signify any kind of dysfunction. Hiding it, however, implies you’re doing something wrong, when you really aren’t. I wonder what it would be like to bring it up to your partner and letting him know that you enjoy doing it? Chances are he feels the same. By speaking about it openly and freely, and not trying to hide it, you can begin to untangle some of the awkwardness. If you struggle with having these kinds of conversations, I highly recommend individual therapy to work through any blocks you might have.
Worrying about what your boyfriend thinks is co-signing that there’s something wrong with this very normal part of sexuality. Instead, make a decision to let go of shame. Instead of locking that door, keep it open. If your boyfriend walks by, ask him if he likes what he sees, or wants to join in. There’s plenty of you to go around.
Jake Myers the Founder of LGBTQ Therapy Space , the first LGBTQ owned and operated national platform for teletherapy. He has a Masters in Clinical Psychology from Antioch University Los Angeles, with a specialization in LGBT Affirmative Psychotherapy, and is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in both California and Florida.
Reach out to LGBTQ Therapy Space to schedule a free video consultation with an LGBTQ clinician. And don’t forget to join the LGBTQ Therapy Space community, and ask Jake a question!
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Max
why not just go into one of the bedrooms and stroke with the door open. let him catch you, hoping to entice him to play?
Artboy2001
i tend to keep my bate separate from our sex lives because the fantasies involved dont include my husband.
barryaksarben
I caught my lover beating off and was kind of hurt. Not that he was doing it as we still had tons of sex but that he felt he had to hide it from me. I did it and would tease him into joining me and thought we were totally open with each other. If he wanted to do it alone I was fine with that, whatever turned him on was fine. We were together for over a decade and I always wondered why he thought he couldnt just do it in front of me
gaym50ish
I thought it was only women in opposite-sex relationships who considered masturbation to be cheating. Men who are together usually understand one another’s sex drives and are OK with it. My husband and I even talk about it afterward. “Couldn’t fall asleep?” “No, but I got up and jacked off and went right to sleep after that.”
gaym50ish
That’s how my relationship is too. And it’s much healthier than hiding it.
Matthewnow
It’s safe, relaxing and positive reinforcement that you love yourself. STROKE ON!
bachy
When you live alone you don’t need anyone’s approval to do anything. Try it, you might like it.
ShiningSex
It’s not cheating if you’re not communicating with some “live” person online and doing masturbation.
However, some partners feel they’re not enough if you’re masturbating. Maybe include them in some way if he’s into that. Maybe have a discussion that you also enjoy self pleasure from time to time. It shouldn’t be an issue. If your man has issues with it, then that’s lame of him.
Learn to find ways to share in the experience together but separate (you know what i mean).
My husband and i do this including facetime fun together.
NateOcean
If he catches you in the act, just do what I do:
Tell him, “while I was masturbating, I was thinking about you”.
If he gets all bitchy and stuff, follow up with, “…thinking about you…but with a bigger package and a tighter hole”.
Georgeiv2
Who the hell cares ? can this crap be real ? if it is then what a self-obsessed moron !just keep you private life private !
duke4172
I bet your love jacks off too so no it is not cheating!