A woman is heartsick after her marriage over a decade has hit a serious rough patch. So she’s seeking advice from Rich Juzwiak over at Slate.
The woman and her husband have been married for 12 years, have two kids, a house, and, for the most part, are happy with one another. There’s just one teensy, tiny issue in their relationship.
“When we met I was very inexperienced and he failed to disclose a lot of information about his own sexual history,” she writes.
That sexual history included “a boatload of gay sex and orgies and humiliation play.”
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“He lied to me for years before finally telling me he was bi,” the woman continues. “Over the last two years, we have tried a lot of new things to make him happy: We had an open marriage, used toys on each other, watched gay porn, and talked a lot about his fantasies.”
Then one day in a moment of weakness he told her that if he had come from a more accepting family, he probably would have identified as gay instead of bi.
Now she’s, understandably, freaking out.
“He insists that he only loves me and doesn’t want to end our relationship, but he also calls me vanilla,” she writes. “When I make a move, he will often flinch. … Now he says he is just going to repress that side of himself.”
The woman insists she doesn’t care if he’s bisexual, but she also doesn’t want him to lie to himself for her sake.
“I don’t even care if he has someone on the side as long as he is super careful with protection,” she explains. “I love my husband and I don’t want to break up our life, but I don’t know how to move past the unhealthy sexual dynamic in our relationship. Sexually, he has made me feel like I will always be second best.”
Now she is left to wonder: “What should I do?”
In his response, advice guru Rich Juzwiak doesn’t sugar coat anything.
“I think you should focus on yourself because you’ve spent way too long focusing on and accommodating your husband,” he writes. “I totally understand not wanting to give up the domestic bliss you have with your partner, but it sounds like sex with him is a dead end for now.”
He continues, “If you’re really after good old vanilla heterosexual gratification, I agree you shouldn’t feel bad, but I think you’re going to have to look elsewhere. Inquire how he would feel about both of you having someone on the side—maintain your life partnership and compartmentalize your sex as something you have only with others.”
Juzwiak’s admits, a sexless marriage isn’t exactly ideal, “but what relationship is?”
“If you’re getting some (which is to say enough) from someone else, the issue of sex will cast a much shorter shadow over your partnership, and it may make your happy home even happier,” he adds.
“Or maybe it’ll make him jealous enough to snap him out of simultaneously shaming you and imposing his cockeyed interpretations of your sexual feelings for him.”
He concludes by telling the woman, “You deserve better than what you’re getting.”
What advice would you give this woman? Share your pearls of wisdom in the comments section below…
Billy Budd
Give him a kick in the butt.
ModeI
For what? Maybe she’s scary
Kangol
It sounds like if he’s flinching when she tries to initiate anything, he’s starting to feel repulsed by her. There’s no way she’s going to be able to satisfy his desire for gay orgies and gay sex, so she might want to contact a lawyer and begin preparing for a legal separation or divorce. For her sake, the kids’, and his.
@HarryB
contact a lawyer and begin preparing for a legal separation or divorce – it seem to me to be the only right decision.
djmcgamester
Quote from the article: “Then one day in a moment of weakness he told her that if he had come from a more accepting family, he probably would have identified as gay instead of bi.”
The guy is gay. He’d repressed that as being the truth for a long time but he outright said he would have come out as gay had he come from a more accepting family. If she’s cool with the both of them having men on the side and maintaining a family with him, that’s her business. However, I suspect he’ll eventually find the emotional relationship he seeks with another man and not want to be with her at all.
My advice? Move on. He’s conflicted but it sounds like they’ll both get more of what they want if they separate.
Donston
He could be homosexual but not quite “gay”. A gay guy can love a woman (and to some people a gay guy can have attractions and sexual enjoyment towards women). But he doesn’t have the ability to feel genuine and sustained romantic, emotional and relationship contentment and fulfillment with a female, and he prefers persistent affections and passions from another gender. Either way you look at it, it appears as if he lied about too much of himself to his wife. There’s mistrust and fracture. And even if you’re not that sexually into your wife, no one wants their partner to flinch when they’re being intimate with them. You also don’t need to be telling your wife that you would have likely embraced a gay identity if you had a more accepting family. None of this equates to kosher marriage. While to wife doesn’t seem willing to just completely go along with everything. So, yeah, it doesn’t sound too hopeful.
Josh447
Yup. The day he had a weakness to tell the truth to his wife, was the day he got out of a horrible self imposed jail sentence. Now he’ll go and be his true man hunting self. Sexually to him (flinch), she’s history. Time to separate, or, become bestie girlfriends and go cruise the mall together. No fighting over guys now children.
Jack Meoff
She needs to end it. He is setting her up to be the villain in all of this. By coming clean about his identity but then insisting that he wants to keep the marriage and relationship going while being repulsed by her touch she will eventually reach her breaking point and say she wants a divorce at which point he will call her a home wrecker or whatever.
His sexuality is nobodies fault but how he is handling this is very cowardly and unfair.
Donston
It almost seems as if he’s being distant and awkward on purpose, which is a form of emotional abuse.
surreal33
“Failed to disclose”? When you enter into a marriage it is your responsibility to know if your spouse is gay, straight, or bi. If there any questions, then the marriage should NOT occur until you have the answers. Also, after 12 years of marriage you should know if hubby likes to take dick in the ass (nobody is that good an actor). From the outside looking in it seems you did not want to know. Finally the wife deserves better than a pathological, selfish, liar.
Pete le meat
If he stopped having homosexual orgies when she married him, she has no right to fret. She should understand that homosexual orgies are a rite of passage for all men. Stop being homophobic, ladies.
Greg
They are?
Kenover
This marriage cannot be saved.
QueerTruth
Who cares? Maybe this should be on a straight women’s interest magazine.
Wicked Dickie
Go get tested for STDs, then file for divorce.
HMFan
That’s all fine and good but it doesn’t address the larger issue which the husband touched on: “IF he had come from a more accepting family…” If people could grow up in a psychologically healthy environment to begin with, finding one’s true self wouldn’t be such a battle, and we’d have less of these marriages ruined by people who refused to be properly introspective. The “rules” in society are GUIDELINES, people. You DON’T have to follow them.