An elderly woman just found out her husband has been hooking up with other men multiple times a week for pretty much their entire marriage and she isn’t sure what to make of it, so she’s seeking help from advice columnist Ask Amy.
“I found out recently that my husband of many years has been having sex with men,” the woman writes, “for the last 52 years.”
The woman explains that she’s 80 and he’s about to turn 74.
“He says he is bisexual, but his appetite for sex with men is stronger than with women. He is into fetish and crossdressing.”
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Not only that, the woman says, but he’s “a regular at a couple of (senior) gay clubs” and “has put himself out on three internet sites, asking to hook up with anyone who would like to have some fun.”
“Over the years, he went from seeing men two to three times a year to two to three times a week. We are talking about 100 to 150 different partners over the years. He is not willing to give any of this up.”
The woman, who immediately took an STD test after learning the news, goes on to say she thinks her husband just needs to come out and stop pretending to be “a heterosexual married man.”
She continues, “He says he never cheated on me with another woman, and that he would like to stay married. He offered to give me equal time to the time he spends with these men, but I know he has never been that attached to our sexual life.”
The woman adds that she feels the marriage is “done” as she doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to trust him again.
In her response, Amy tells the woman that if her husband is going to do whatever the hell he wants, then she should feel free to do whatever the hell she wants, too.
“Marriages survive all sorts of circumstances, including lengthy separations, loss, sexual and emotional infidelity, illness, shocks, gender transitions and sometimes — genuine trauma,” Amy writes. “But marriage is supposed to be the embodiment of mutuality: I elevate you, you elevate me. Not: I do what I want and you either tolerate it … or leave the marriage.”
Furthermore, Amy says the woman’s husband is gaslighting her, and that’s abuse.
“His choice to explain away his own behavior as being actually within the bounds of your marriage is gaslighting. His sexual behavior is putting both of you at risk.”
Ultimately, Amy says, “you must make the choice that is best for you, both now and longer-term.”
What do you think this woman should do? Share your thoughts in the comments section below…
Reuben
So it took her 52 years to realize her husband is gay and promiscuous
Daniel
I’m not terribly surprised as I have a friend that’s been married about 49 years to a woman. They have 4 children. He’s been hooking up with other guys, going to spas, hotel & pool parties, cruising Craigslist for 4 decades now. He’s”monogamous” now with another guy. She’s clueless. They’ve even had “A” over for Thanksgiving and Christmas the last 2 years. And get this, her first husband, who she divorced, was gay too but was caught “red handed”. Unbelievable yes but true.
trsxyz
Just finding this out now?
radiooutmike
She had to have been willfully ignorant. 52 years? Not a whiff? C’mon!
joelk57
There are so many of these men and they are not all older. Many men still to this day want the guise of a “Beard” but the sexual experiences of the gay life. Most of these men are too weak mentally not to mention emotionally to ever stand fully in the gay world. Back to this person, This lady elected to turn her head as many women did back in the day ( I’m from that day) for a number of reasons, stability, financial or in some cases insecurity. But they knew, this one knew but she believed as he got older he would settle down and it would lessen. When someone has a high sexual drive that’s never the case. I too believe she should say you do you and I’ll do me…But we aren’t doing each other. Plain and simple in this day and time.
Donston
It’s not always that simple. A lot of people experienced fluidity or confusion. A lot of guys might have attractions to dudes or prefer sexually engaging with guys, but they have greater desire to please a female and form hetero romantic bonds. They have greater hetero affections and emotional investment, stronger hetero relationship comfort. There are even dudes who have stronger attractions to women or enjoy sex with females more but are homo-leaning with it comes to their overall orientation. Those type of guys rarely keep it real about that. It’s all about being honest with yourself and your partner concerning your dimensions, struggles, motivations. Unfortunately, many guys are so driven by ego, sociology and insecurities. And many hide behind identities or presented behaviors. So, the bs will persist.
SPEEDOSWIMMER
Zero sympathy for her. She’s either been willfully deaf, dumb, and blind for over 5 decades, or she is genuinely STUPID.
If playing the victim (at 80) suits her, more power to her. If she is expecting him to change, dream on – not going to happen.
Salvage whatever little shreds of pride she still has and kick that cad out of her miserable life. Move on.
Joshooeerr
Give the guy credit. He’s managed not to infect her with any STD over 52 years – which includes the AIDS epidemic – so he’s at least been careful. At 80 and 74, why bother divorcing and changing your funeral plans? It’s a bit late for that.
EZinHTown
I thought the same thing.
startenout
She needs to do what makes her happy. He’s not going to do it for her.
RevJames
74-2-3 times a week? BS.
Toofie
The comment section here is pretty rough on the wife. It’s only recently that he’s been tearing through men. Anyway, the marriage is over and she should get her money and leave.
Donston
What a horrible story if legit. Not only do you find out your husband has been persistently cheating on you, you also find out he’s just the biggest of ho’s. And his way of making it up to you is: I’ll try to spend some time for you in between my many hook-ups. Something tells me when they met she was remarkably insecure and easy manipulate.
I understand struggling with your sexuality, I understand fluidity. I understand the romantic, sexual, affection, emotional investment, relationship contentment spectrum. But this very much seems like a marriage of convenience above all else and neither partner seems satisfied or willing to compromise. If you truly want to be with someone and are truly invested in your love and in your relationship then you fight them and you try to work it out. You don’t merely tell them that they have to fit your lifestyle or get to packing.
winemaker
Hard to believe this woman had no idea her husband for 52 years was screwing around, How could she not have any clues? And the sad thing if not funny, she thinks the marriage is over. Well my dear, your marriage was a sham and over from the beginning. Sorry to be so blunt but facts are facts. And even more sad, she basically wasted all these years on this slug, time that can’t be recouped. That being said, get an STD test and a follow up several months later for good measure and peace of mind., divorce the bum and move on. Albeit she’s 80 years old and afraid to be alone, is it worth it to stay with a cheater? You never know when he leaves is he going out to screw around? The worries aren’t worth it as some STD’s are serious. Again, dump him and move on. Good luck
C_Alan
She should be happy she’s had a life partner all of these years. Focus on the positive.
And “get ready for the judgment day”
Aires the Ram
True that C. Alan!!
kevininbuffalo
She never had a life partner, she had a cowardly cheat who hid behind her all these years.
As far as all the hating on this lady in the comments goes, it’s just another example of the misogyny one sees so much of in the gay community. I know before even starting to read the comments that most of them would blame the wife. Why am I not surprised?
Dd4craig
My parents were married for over 20 years and my father was sleeping with other men during that time. I think my mom knew something about the infidelity because years before they split my dad lost his job when he got an indecent exposure ticket in a public bathroom during one of those homophobic entrapment stings. None of us kids knew why he lost that job, but now I realized my mother must have known or suspected. I think it was drug use that actually ended the relationship because we found out about him relapsing after many years at the same time as he was caught posting online for sex.
Roan
Why does she have to do anything? The STD test was a bit dramatic. After 52 years, she would have something if it was an issue. At their age and this stage of their lives, they can transition to companionship and still be happy.
lord.krath
People shouldn’t blame the wife. The wrong doer is the person that lies to themselves and others. Her husband is just a selfish jerk for doing this to her for so long and making a fool of her for 52 years.
Aires the Ram
With all due respect krath, you must have no knowledge of the history of our society back 50 years ago. Back then, a guy was expected to get married and produce children, if he didn’t, he was considered flawed, was considered a risk by prospective employers, was considered wild and untrustworthy, and generally a menace to society if he didn’t “follow the yellow brick road” by the time he was in his early 20’s. So what do you think all the homosexual men did back then? They didn’t have the internet, cell phones, most had no access to the few magazines directed at homosexuals, unless they lived in a big city. They were alone with their feelings of homosexuality, their lust for other men. Thus, you had a culture of anonymous hookups in parks, rest areas, woods, trails, and all sorts of seedy places, with the subsequent police raids and arrests. That wasn’t that long ago. So when you judge someone on how they conducted themselves 50 years ago, with no idea of what it was ACTUALLY LIKE, 50 years ago, you are dead wrong.
Woteva
Such a complex issue. But for me, the bottom line is the fact that the woman has been deceived throughout her marriage. That’s a very hard pill to swallow.
I discreetly see several married guys – all with kids (grown up or not) and all the men lead a dual life – forever scared they might be found out one day. I couldn’t do that to myself or the person I married. But it does go on and always has – big time. So many guys who love men fell into the heterosexual marriage trap (my brother and one of my uncle’s certainly did) one way or another. Though I certainly dabbled sexually with women, I knew I could never live with one, let alone marry her.
This can have disastrous results for all concerned.
Aires the Ram
….Woteva, but the common denominator amongst these guys is that there are many more “perks” to being married to a woman with 2.3 children, a picket fence and a minivan, than there are any perks at all to being opening homosexual. They weigh that out in their minds, rightly or wrongly, and take the path of least resistance and most reward.
ThinkPlease
So…you found the other guy’s truss and Aspercreme in his bathroom?
Aires the Ram
@winemaker: Winemaker, I usually agree with you, and I do agree with ‘some’ of your post, but I am going to have to disagree with you (respectfully) on this one. To me, what we’re not hearing, is the story of his and her relationship, on a daily level. There must be something comforting, regular, pleasing, there for it to have lasted 52 years. Yeah, she probably knew, and swept it under the rug, that is what was done by women back then, and we cannot judge what people did or said 50 years ago, against the current state of affairs we find ourselves in today. It is not relevant, and it is not fair. Because they’ve been “together” (whatever that means to them) for 52 years, why throw the baby out with the bathwater this late in the game? Wouldn’t make sense. And one more thing……she has been aware that he has not been faithful to her for years and years, and chose to stay, for what I am guessing are a whole lot of other positive reasons, so why divorce him now for being a “cheater”? And if they’re having sex, which I am assuming they don’t, why get tested?
Preppy1000
Let me get this str8–she’s known it for 50+ years and NOW she’s complaining?? I don’t think it’s worth divorcing him now but make it clear that there will be no more sex and have him sleep in the guest room. Also if he says he’ll stop he’s lying.
Donston
Both the headline and the actual article claims that she found out recently. She also says that her husband never showed much sexual interests in her. So, her cutting off sex won’t mean much. While she claims that her husband never slept with any women during their marriage. The guy seems to be homosexual from a technical standpoint.
I don’t think it’s smart to tell someone whether or not they should get divorced. It’s about what she’s comfortable with and what she wants from the future she has left. If she still wants companionship from him and he can actually offer that to her then stay.
Men who have been married to a chick for years and have been on the DL for years usually will not reveal anything unless they’ve been caught, they’ve become fully homosexual and lost all interests in females, or they want more than sex from someone of their gender. Those are the three things that usually pushes a dude out. If he was just satisfied with hooking up with guys then he likely would have never said anything. If he wants persistent same-sex passions, attention, affections, affirmation, love, emotional bonds, commitment, etc. then I don’t know what he has to offer her outside of some version of friendship. It’s ultimately about what she feels is best for her.
DavidIntl
My story is slightly different, in that through nearly 20 years of marriage to a woman, I never cheated on her. It was sort of a non-traditional relationship to begin with – she knew I had same-sex tendencies from before the time we were married, and she had her same-sex attractions as well. But I am not inherently a dishonest person – I did my best to make it work for the longest time for the benefit of the kids, our families, our careers, etc.. What gets me – in my case, and in the story presented here – is the indignation from the woman when it finally comes crashing down. This is 2020. Life is short. Does she really expect her husband to go to the grave missing out on something that clearly is critically important to his sense of well-being, just because he was born in the wrong decade? Does she actually love him – as in, does she actually care about his happiness?
I will admit that I am jealous of the next generation. My partner – 29 years younger – grew up in a world where the rules were different. He could be openly gay and be successful in his career. He could be openly gay and have a family. He could be openly gay and have the support of his family. That was not the case for many of us, and there are literally millions of guys in my position, realising now that there is no reason, given the way the world has changed, to die never having been able to be true to themselves. A generation from now, this sort of story will be unusual. For now, get ready for a ton of them.
hotdogla
I know a guy like this. Cheated on his wife the entire time they were married almost 25 years he did the bathhouse thing, the gay hook up apps, wouldn’t come home and lie about business trips, caught crabs once and blamed one of his teenagers. Wife NEVER suspected him of cheating.
He eventually “came out” , it was not the gay that bothered her, it was the deception. They are still married because you know money, insurance etc. but he’s now on his second gay relationship living with a guy who he met while cheating with his last one. Some guys get a thrill out of cheating and some women just don’t want to see the writing on the wall.
Donston
I think that’s something many don’t want to admit are motivations The constant cheating isn’t always about desperately wanting to hook up with someone else. Some people just get off on being manipulative, being deceitful, being “subversive”. That’s a sad truth. Yes, some of these guys are driven by homophobia, internalized homophobia, confusions, fluidity, not really knowing where they are in the romantic, sexual, emotional, relationship spectrum. But some do get off most on this idea of living a double life, or their egos are so fragile that deceiving people or get constant sexual attention from strangers is the only way to make them feel any confidence. Some folks are really fvcked in the head and don’t know how to deal with it without fvcking over others.