Unsuccessful Karl Rove Glitter Bombing Demonstrates Need For Accuracy

Look, glitter bombers. We applaud your unique, modern form of LGBT protest with the sparkles and YouTube videos and what not… but you gotta work on your aim.

The glitter thrown at Michele Bachmann barely reached her kneecaps, the pink glitter directed at Tim Pawlenty covered his table more than him, and the most recent attempt to get Karl Rove at the anti-gay Minnesota Faith and Freedom Coalition strategy session (above) got absolutely zero sprinkles on the bastard.

What good is a glitter bombing if it doesn’t result in an anti-gay foe picking sparkles out of their hair for the next few weeks?

In contrast, this video of Congressman Erik Paulsen getting glitter bombed at the same conference shows just how glitter bombings should go—it’s a quick, unexpected delivery of tiny glitter made airborne—dramatic, showy, and seemingly on target.

Why was it more successful? Because it followed these three simple rules:

1) Stop putting your glitter in a huge cracker box. Use a can or a smaller, disposable container that less conspicuous and easier to launch.

2) Use actual glitter instead of large confetti. Glitter is heavier, can be thrown farther in greater concentration, and is very hard to wash out of one’s hair, mouth and crotch.

3) For heaven’s sake, don’t start shouting until you’ve actually shot your load. Shouting before the bombing merely draws attention to yourself as a crazy person and potential threat, greatly reducing the likelihood of your success.

Don’t take this as criticism. We want you to succeed. You’re just a new form of protest that’s still in development and we can’t wait to see the video when you really cover a baddie head-to-toe in unicorn sparkles.