August Drag Whore-O-Scopes
Presented by Kelly Mantle
Gurl, we still don’t know how to predict the future, all right? Stop asking us if Willam is going to be on All Stars 2, if Miss Fame is in the cast of Season 7 and why they canceled all of those RuPaul BOTS tour dates. We don’t even know when it’s too late to RuPaulogize!
So, for the best of what August might bring, we turned to the number one “Eliminated” queen, Ms. Kelly Mantle. Don’t you know who she thinks she is?
Kelly just wrapped up a sold out run of her hilarious one woman show in New York and – check her IMDB – has been working steadily in both drag and in traditional film and TV roles. Bacon what? Kelly is swimming in “eliminade” – with a triple shot of tequila thrown in!
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
This is the second installment of our monthly Whore-O-Scope series: Absolutely Fishy Forecasts. Each month a sickening drag diva will bring you the tee on what’s in store for the month ahead. Next month: Laganja Estranja – ockurrrrrrr?????
Whore-O-Scopes for August 2014
Leo
Don’t worry, August Leos! It’s still about you! (Well actually Madonna‘s birthday is August 16th, so no matter how hard you try, LEO will always be about her.) But anyway – Happy Fuckin’ Birthday! You’re getting closer to death. Hope you get lots of Facebook birthday wishes to feed your already huge egos. July Leos? Go take some #selfies. Put a filter on it and continue to believe you’re the most important person on the earth.
Virgo
You’re antsy and undecided. You have a birthday coming up and no one cares because Madonna just celebrated hers. She will always beat you to it! C’mon panic attack!
Libra
See VIRGO. You’re one in the same.
Scorpio
Your love life has sucked this whole year. Maybe you’ll find true love on your birthday? Well, by the time your birthday rolls around there are fewer than two months left in the year. #SorryBoutIt! So just go have meaningless sex and focus on your love life next year.
Sagittarius
By the time your birthday gets here, it’s “The Holidays”! No one cares. We’ve got Christmas gifts and airline tickets to buy.
Capricorn
You will continue to walk around like a zombie for the rest of this year. And then – Happy New Year!!! May your only pain be champagne.
Aquarius
You will be gifted with more yoga and pot this month – and every month hereinafter. You will be so stoned by the time your birthday arrives that you will think you’re disco dancing in outer space. You are the age of Aquarius! So live up to it!
Pisces
“Silent All These Years” by Tori Amos and “Don’t Speak” by Gwen Stefani are your favorite songs. Prius is your favorite car. I have nothing more to say.
Aries
I love you. You’re perfect. Now change.
Taurus
Continue to live by my mantra: “Don’t you know who I think I am?”
Gemini
You are on the verge of an epiphany! You will finally embrace the fact that you’re bipolar. The whole “twin thing” has been a cute ride – but you’re not a “twin.” You’re fucked up! Embrace it!
Cancer
What can I say?? Cancers rule! We’re awesome! Courtney Love is a cancer! PARRRTY!
Connect with Kelly on Social Media:
Kelly’s Website: www.kellymantle.com
Kelly’s YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/blueeyedgirl3
Kelly’s Twitter: www.twitter.com/thekellymantle
Kelly’s Facebook: www.facebook.com/kellymantlefanpage
C’mon September!! Next month’s Whore-O-Scope will be brought to you by Ms. Natch herself, Laganja Estranja. Yesssgawdmamma!
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