A straight-identifying woman says she knowingly married a gay man and now she’s freaking out that he might leave her for another guy so she’s writing to advice columnist Danny M. Lavery for help.
“I met my husband 13 years ago, and we’ve been together ever since,” she explains. “We fell deeply, madly in love with each other and have been married for nine wonderful years now.”
“He’s also always been honest about being gay and has never hidden it from me. Only one of our mutual friends knows this about my husband. Our son also knows, since we thought it would be best to remain open with him about it, so he never ‘found out’ by surprise or from our mutual friend.”
Everyone seems to be OK with the arrangement, so that’s cool. But the woman says lately she’s started to feel insecure about things.
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She explains that her husband was previously married to a woman but that the marriage fell apart when he met another man and fell in love.
“I’ve asked my husband about it, and he confirms that he’s gay, not bisexual. He left his first wife because of a lot of problems (and her infidelity), then he was in a few different relationships with other men, before he met his ex-boyfriend. They were still living together when we met. I’m confused by it all, and it has, at times, caused problems in our marriage.”
Now, she’s worried he might leave her.
“I have doubts that he might leave me someday for a gay relationship like he did his ex-wife,” she writes. “We’ve both been faithful to each other, and he loves me, and I love him. But is that good enough for him? Would you consider him bisexual or gay?”
In his response, Lavery avoids the obvious question and instead suggests the woman try not to obsess over whether her husband is gay or bisexual, especially since he’s already told her he identifies as gay.
He goes on to suggest that maybe she speak to a therapist, join her local PFLAG chapter, or connect with other people in mixed-orientation marriages to build a support network.
“I can’t promise you that your marriage is sufficiently ‘good enough’ that your husband might never leave or cheat on you,” Lavery writes, “nor do I think the possibility that he might want to be with another man at some point in the future will be an indicator that your marriage (or you) weren’t ‘good enough.'”
He continues, “His gayness isn’t something you can neutralize by being a sufficiently-good or extra-loving wife. It’s something you two should discuss openly and often between yourselves, and at least some of the time with an outside party who can help you gather your thoughts, clarify your goals and desires, and figure out how best to care for each other.”
Cam
Something about this story doesn’t smell right. He was married before, left that women because he fell for a guy. So he is ok with being out, yet then married her, told her he isn’t bi, but they’ve been married to each other and supposedly faithful.
So are they not sleeping together? Is he gritting his teeth and closing his eyes? Are they more like roommates?
So much left out that this seems like just another click bait story.
DarkZephyr
I’m confused over why a man who explicitly identifies as totally gay and not bisexual or sexually fluid or pan-sexual, etc, would keep marrying women. Could it be a religious thing?
Years ago I was a practicing Catholic (am agnostic now). I was out but I was also “chaste” in obedience to the teachings of the Church which for gays and lesbians basically means “celibate”. I will confess that at the time I was a damned fool and was actually engaged to be married to women two different times. Both knew that I was gay. But it was just stupidity because I wanted to be a good Catholic while also not wanting to end up alone. But I know it would have never made me or either of my potential wives happy. I loved them both very very much, but there was zero sexual chemistry there. I look back on that and cringe.
I am much happier being with my boyfriend. My ex-fiancee is happier being with her straight husband. My other ex-fiancee went onto marry some other gay Catholic dude because that is apparently just her thing. They sleep in separate rooms.
Prinny
This smells of a fake story.But in case it is real divorce and let him out of his prison he deserves a man and not a fujoshi
DarkZephyr
I feel like its him who needs to release her from prison. He’s the gay dude who knowingly married a straight woman. He’s the one who is self mocking. She’s a woman who fell in love and initially trusted the pretty words he fed her to convince her to marry him. Demonizing the straight women in these situations is unfair.
Prinny
DarkZephyr and she knew from the start that he’s gay.She does not deserve any sympathy
Mister P
Duh!
Donston
Anyone can get left for somebody else. And there are a multitude of reasons why many marriages last and many don’t. Yet, from the beginning he’s been openly “gay”. You didn’t think to ask questions… for 13 years? You don’t think to ask exactly why he’s “gay” identifying. Or ask about the dimensions of his sexuality since “sexuality” has a lot of components and variance. Or ask if he’s experienced degrees of fluidity. Or ask his motivations for wanting to be with you. Or ask if he contends with some religious guilt or family pressures or internalized phobias or self-misandry or queer/gay resentments. Or ask where he fits in the gender, romantic, sexual, affection, emotional investment, relationship contentment spectrum. I understand that sexuality, the orientation spectrum, motivations, love, relationships and general psychology are all very individual and can be frequently complicated stuff. But no in-depth conversations were had… for 13 years?
It seems many people just completely skip over the legit “getting to know” someone aspect of things because they’re desperate to be in a commitment and to stay in one. I’m not trying to demonize or judge anyone. And folks do still be manipulating others. However, most of these conversations need to be had no matter the identities of the partners. Then again, there’s TV shows where folks are marrying borderline strangers.
Cam
Yeah, why now? Did something change? Where were these questions 13 years ago??
winemaker
Not to be flippant here but no sympathy from me. Why’s she kvetching now? She knew full well her future husband was gay so now after she married him, she’s having ‘second thoughts’ in the hope he’d possibly change. It’s likely the husband is seeing other men if in fact he’s gay, no judgement from me, and her fears are justified if she thinks he’ll leave her for a man.
Sorry to burst this lady’s bubble but if he’s gay, he’s gay and she needs to face facts before she invests more valuable time in a marriage that obviously won’t be fulfilling in the long run. On one hand, 9 years is a long time yet what if this ‘sham’ went on for 30 years or longer, whatever?. Better to get out now before any more time is wasted on something that won’t be fulfilling and bring her happiness. Time is the most precious commodity there is and can’t be recouped.
Cozmo2
A lot of straight women mary gay men because they think it’s safe. Which I think is the stupidest thing
UlfRaynor
No they don’t, they believe they can change him and I’m pretty darn sure that’s the case here as well.
I’m certain she entered this relationship thinking her love could change him.
I can’t begin to tell you how many str8 female friends I’ve known who have entered what they thought were long term commitments with problematic males thinking that their love could change the nature of the men they fell for. Sadly, in almost every instance that has been proven wrong.
Josh447
If they have never had sex, then the story works. He’s not gay if he can get turned on by a woman and marry her, then he’s bi. This story doesn’t exist in real life if he’s truly only attracted to men.
It’s pure fiction.
wooly101
Well they have a son so something works between them. I would just like to ask why? Why a would a gay dude trap himself like this?
Doug
If he’s “completely gay,” does that mean they don’t have sex with each other? What was she thinking when she married him in the first place?
revashayne
You all seem to be placing a lot of emphasis on sex. While important for a successful marriage, sex is not the only ingrediant. Love,respect and compatability are just as important. Me thinks she actually wants out of the marriage and is using her husband’s gayness as a get out of jail free card.
Josh447
I have a feeling Graham is having quite the belly laugh on this one.
Jack Meoff
What a crock of shite
Hdtex
Stupid woman.
BaltoSteve
In my youth, I dated women. I was even engaged at one point to a woman, who is now one of my best friends. (We both realized why it wouldn’t have worked out). One ex boyfriend used to have nightmares that I would leave him for her. Insecurity and fear are not rational beasts.
HMFan
How would this be any different if it was a straight man leaving her for another woman? If your self-image and validation is so tenuously yet completely wrapped up in your spouse, you should probably do a little work and figure out just exactly who the hell you are.