Drag Queen Whore-O-Scopes
Horoscopes for September 2014
It’s your month boo, HAPPY BARFDAY!! But stop being so involved with yourself and tighten up them kegels. You think you’re the bomb, but your phone is cut off and and your $10 an hour job makes you more basic than Hanes. But don’t get your tights all twisted, you will always be the #HBIC and things will look up financially at the end of the month!
Tip: Live out your Beyonce but be as humble as Michelle.
Luxury is your worst enemy. Check yourself on that shifty scale – we all know nobody wants a temperamental bottom. But don’t worry, your newfound inner peace will attract that one-of-a-kind love interest and they will see your intelligence for what it really is!
Tip: Practice makes perfect, so spin that thang until your pirouette turns heads!
Your bank account has been as dry as an old lady’s vagina! It’s time to get yourself some kinky boots and paint the town red this month. So rely on your dynamic charisma and observant eye to attract this month’s bling fling and upgrade your style the classy way! It ain’t over till the diamonds shine bright!
Tip: Costco is for pu$$y’s, look to Tiffany’s!
Good things happen to those who are lucky! Fortunately for you, this month you will fall into some fame. So bask – or bake – in the moment and don’t let anyone cause you to lose a nail! However, keep your glue handy and have several sets with you, because your 15 minutes will soon be up!
Tip: Take a breather and don’t forget to inhale mawma!
Come on cracra, let’s get emotional! You are the most complicated of all the zodiac signs. People often write you off as arrogant because of your determination to rise to the top. But quit worrying so much about what others think and slither out of your muumuu into something with a waistline.
Tip: Wear green this month, you looking SICKENING in chartreuse! YES GAWD!
Miss thing you are an inventive, witty beeotch with a lot of originality and self awareness! And while you like to follow your unique yellow brick road, this month you might want to be a little less stubborn and gravitate towards a more basic routine. I know you’re thinking “Really kween? You want me to sit at home and be boring?!?!” But, yes mawma, a little less rebellious ‘tude and aloof behavior will do you good!!
Tip: Tap into your emotional side, a special someone you’ve had a crush on is wanting to see your true colors shining through.
You might have been smoking on something realllll good last month and been a little too lazy. But this month, your imagination, creativity, and ability to adapt quickly will come in handy! So quit trying to escape the real world. Death drop yourself into the future hunny!
Tip: Incorporate some role play to spice up your sex life! A little “handy” does the dick good!
While you are generally independent and make your own courageous choices, this month, on the 15th – during the Lunar Eclipse – you will have your moment and experience a divine FRIEND-tervention. But it’s ockurrrr gurl, we are all moody and short-tempered sometimes. Your real friends will forgive your shenanigans! Just rely on your optimistic natch and remain enthusiastic.
Tip: Try to be less impulsive. Do you really need those feather shoes?
You think you are are tricking everyone with your loyal and generous “friendships,” but gurlllllll, this month the foundation will crack and you might get “gooked at the pag.” If you rely on your patience and persistence, however, they will forgive your procrastination and overall laziness.
Tip: Change up the decor in your home. Maybe a fresh coat of paint will help beat your mood to the gawds!
Pick a side and choose it – the runway is meant for stomping not teetering from side to side! This is NOT the month to be flip-flopping from queen to queen, so show where your loyalties lie and stand up for your squireelfriends.
Tip: Lay off on the superFISHiality, we all know you are rachetrella and that’s why everyone loves you!
Miss Crabcakes, crawl onto something new… your shell STINKS! This ain’t no Joe’s Crab Shack! You can’t have all you can eat! Plus, when you are less clingy, you are more likely to succeed. So two-step on outta here rich lady and start twerking for the kids!
Tip: Freshen up your lids #Team Ganja style with some Laganja Estranja “First Position Primer” by X-Tar Cosmetics.
Hakuna Matata bitches! People are gonna hear you roar this month mawma as the last tide breaks the shore on the 7th. Be the baddest mawma lion you can be, but don’t let your ambitions get the best of you! Take care of your cubs, and your friends, for they will be the completion to your circle of life.
Tip: Let it move you all! Shake it, BAKE it, make it bounce!
About Laganja Estranja
Laganja Estranja is a fierce queen, model, dancer and actor. She recently completed filming on a short film, entitled “Man Queen,” directed by Robert Hayman. She was also featured on the sixth season of RuPaul’s Drag Race.
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Next month’s Horoscopes Presented by: Lady Red Couture from “Hey Qween”