I learned my lesson about asking friends for a Christmas invite 20 years ago.
Alone that year, people told me I needed to reach out to friends, you know, “put yourself out there.” I’m naturally shy and always think I’m intruding, but I got up the nerve and emailed one of my best friends that I had no plans for Christmas day.
She replied, the afternoon of December 25.
“Hope you’re having a wonderful day,” she told me over the phone, while I was sitting alone, in a pile of a half-eaten chocolate Yule Log. I knew she waited till after the fact to respond so she wouldn’t have to acknowledge my Blue Christmas plight.
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I’ve spent several Christmases alone since, but, unless asked, I’ve never told anyone that I had no plans.
There’s a few reasons why I’m often alone on Christmas, and I’m sure I’m not the only one. For years, I had a steady boyfriend and, once that happens, you kind of fall out of the social loop. I have a huge family who all live in California (I’m in New York). Unfortunately, it’s not always feasible for me to travel during the holidays. I’ve never been much of a “group” guy, one of those men who have a fabulous group of fabulous gays who do everything fabulous together, and my friends are scattered about. A lot of my close buds today have obligations with their own families. Many of them are now married with children.
If you’re single and older, it often feels like you’ve landed on the Island of Misfit Toys.
This year, I’ll be spending Christmas Day alone again, but a lot has changed in 20 years. It took me a long time to find my Happy Christmas Place and to make the month of December a time to celebrate, not wallow.
It hasn’t been an easy ride. On Christmas day the year after my boyfriend and I broke up, I thought that wandering the streets would cheer me up. Wrong. I walked by 24-hour diners and saw elderly people eating alone, looking glum (I thought “There’s my future”). All the stores were closed, even bars, so there went the notion of finding someplace to revel in Christmas cheer. I ended up in Chelsea and saw young men laughing and singing Christmas carols and realized the gift exchange must have already happened (I thought “and there went my past”). They were probably on their way to big, festive, turkey and stuffing dinners.
I came home and plopped into bed. I almost called my ex but knew that would most likely depress me further.
The next year, I decided that, instead of being a Grinch, I should fake the joy until I made the joy. I bought a small Christmas tree and decorated the apartment to the nines. I think I had three decorations, so a lot of improvising was needed. It helped, even if most of the time I was enjoying the Christmas spirit alone… with my dog.
I grew up in a large family in which Christmas was the biggest day of the year, and I think my inner child needed the festive spirit. It helped. I drew immense pleasure from sending family gifts—I must have been making good money that year—and from watching all of my favorite Christmas movies alone, unencumbered by the usual compromises.
On the actual day I ate every forbidden gym boy sweet on earth, and while friends and family posted about their festive gatherings, I was slipping into a happy sugar coma while watching Cabaret—not a “Christmas Movie” per se, but Liza always rings my bells. As much as I love my relatives, there was something perversely thrilling about not being a part of the holiday drama.
Besides, I had my dog.
Many Christmases have come and gone since that day, all of them varied. I’ve spent some in California, some at friends’ houses, some feeding the homeless, I’ve hosted people over on the day of, and I’ve spent some alone. Regardless, I get a tree every year and enjoy decorating it. I now have so many ornaments that many remain in the box (the tree-trimming party I had one year was an A-Plus way of securing tons of decorations—and the need to start getting bigger trees).
There’s a couple of other traditions I’ve adopted to keep away the holiday blues.
I live in a high-rise building, so every December after the tree goes up I invite everyone on the floor to stop by and celebrate. I also invite a few close friends, especially those I haven’t had a chance to catch up with during the year. The neighbors love it (and hey, they don’t have to worry about drinking and driving), and it reminds me of growing up when suburban neighbors would just drop in for a little cheer. Sometimes I feel as if we’ve lost a bit of the social niceties in the age of smartphones and social media, and I want to do my part in bringing a little bit of that closeness back.
I also go to the movies, alone. While hitting the cinema is a big family deal in the evening, going to an early show is a great way to get the day off to a fun start. The first year I did this I felt that everyone would be staring at me—and not in a good way. But I noticed tons of other people were doing the same thing (I’m fairly certain most of them were not gentiles).
On a similar note, if I know I’m going to be alone on Christmas I tell any Jewish friends who are free to stop by. I started that tradition after a Jewish friend of mine admitted that she hates Christmas day because, despite her religion, she loves the spirit of the holiday and feels like she misses out. She came over one year and brought about five ornaments for the tree. We had a blast and I introduced her to Rudolph and The Grinch. She educated me on the traditions of Chanukah.
I grew up in a non-religious household, and I never thought of Christmas as a religious holiday. Color me blasphemous, because I just thought it meant gifts and fun and being kind to one another and enjoying the lights. I still feel that way, so whoever wants to come by and share in the joy is welcome.
This year, I’m more than likely spending the holiday alone, and I’m prepared.
The tree is up, people have already come by and celebrated, and I’m working on what movie I’ll go see. If people end up stopping by, great. If not, I’ll find something delicious to eat and cheat on my diet with, then settle in for another Christmas tale. (Perhaps it will be Black Christmas!—the original horror classic, of course. The remake is an unholy mess.) Then I’ll pretend to care about the family drama when I get the phone call from home, and crawl into bed, the tree lights creating a beautiful glow.
And, yes, my dog will be at my side.
Mick406
One of the best REAL stories ever submitted by Queerty. Complete with great sentence structure and grammar, and a thematic statement. Rare for Queerty, and . . . nothing political.
This story mirrors my life. It is Christmas Day and I am spending the day alone, except I have a dog at my feet. I elect to do this, for over the years I’ve grown disgusted with fake humanity. Ever since I lost the love of my life, due to his desire to separate, I cannot find any joy in this day. We used to have many wonderful experiences and now they are all gone. Just like the author of this story, I have urges to phone him, but I come to my senses and know that it will create nothing but pain and an increase in the unpleasant reality that we will never be together again.
I used to be very religious and would sing at my church and enjoy all the Christmas services. But, when you lose a loved one it makes you wonder about the benevolence of God. So, I take it that He doesn’t care too much about my lonely heart and hurt, and I just don’t go to visit with Him anymore either. Plus, church is another reminder of my partner sitting next to me in the pew and enjoying our sharing. I like to avoid all the reminders.
So . . . I spend this whole day assessing myself. Is there someone out there just like him who can be a replacement? I doubt it. I’m not in major depression. I’m just in a depressed state. I bounce back and forth from watching the news, to getting on my treadmill, watching a movie on TV, snacking on forbidden foods, and talking to my dog. I seem to watch the clock to see when this self-made-misery day will be over with. It was the same for me on Christmas Eve, but I endured it. After today, I will be back into my daily work grind where there are people you HAVE to mingle with and don’t have to contend with a lot of hurtful thoughts.
So, to all those out there who spend this day alone, I commiserate. It’s a shame we all can’t get together somehow . . .
The day is halfway over with. I’ll just sit here and give my love to . . . the dog.
Vince
David toussaint is one of the few Queerty writers I like. Real stuff that I enjoy reading.
I’m the same. Family is up north way far and my friends are spread out too far to hang with. Honestly Christmas is for kids anyways. I love the lights and little stuff around it though. Other then that I really don’t care for it. It’s forced and totally fake. Not to mention I’m an Atheist as most normal people are. There’s a reason why depression and suicide are at the highest during this time of year.
lather
I spend the holidays alone by choice. I have invites from relatives and friends, both live fairly close. But I enjoy being alone. Not even a dog to follow me to the bathroom every time I go.
While I like my friends and family (most of them) I don’t enjoy large gatherings and the drama that always ensues.
Did I mention I actually enjoy being alone? It’s a good thing. Do whatever you enjoy, not what others pressure you to do, or what you think you “should” do.
Vince
Ha. Besides my negative X’mas rant I still love my family and friends and feel the same way.
winemaker
Wow, this story is me to a ‘T” and reading this on Christmas day! Over the years, i’ve always seemed to be alone at Christmas, at least since my mother died, tragically 2 days after 9-11 after a long illness.. After she died, I got together with my younger brother each Christmas for about seven years to have a somehow ‘normal’ Christmas but without mom and dad, it just wasn’t Christmas and as he and I’ve had an on and off again realationship, that fizzled – too much drama. Each year before this I always somehow didn’t like Christmas. Probably too many unfulfilled dreams I guess,. Every year my mother and my aunt would alternate, one year my aunt’d do Thanksgiving and the same year my mother would do Christmas and the next year it’d be the reverse. We always had between 12 – 15 people for a huge dinner. When i came out in June 1977, that next Christmas dinner was with my immediate family only, everyone else just went their own way and did their thing. Over the years I’ve done Christmas by myself, and it often sucks as not having someone special to shere the holiday with but i muddle through it. I treat myself well though, i usually cook a turkey, homemade sourdough bread dressing ( I live in San Francisco), cauliflower mashed ‘mock’ [potatoes, Roman style Brussel sprouts, roasted with EVOO , garlic and crushed red pepper and always a bottle of my favorite Champagne, Bollinger Grand ‘Anee’, this years vintage 2007, a rich full bodied blockbuster Champagne with a preponderance of Pinot Noir in the blend, and a gorgeous vintage Champagne, ’cause hey, I’m worth it. I usually buy myself something nice too, this year I got myself a few pairs of sexy thong undies and a couple pairs of ancient Roman gold earrings that’d I won recently in an online auction and tomorrow I’m having my ears pierced, along with an ancient Greek coin. All in all Christmas is what you make of it i guess.. Hopefully next year, I’ll have my real Christmas wish: a quality guy in my life ’cause in the long run, isn’t that what Christmas and the holiday season is all about? To all those out there, believers and non believers, a very Merry Christmas and a happy, peaceful, healthy and prosperous New Year to all!
HereIAm
You live in San Francisco so as long as you refrain from going to those disgusting sex parties or participating in anonymous online hookups, you’ll meet quality guys somewhere, churches, meetings, public events. It’s easy to meet people in big cities like San Francisco.
GetOffMyInternets
@HereIAm Oh there you are, you moralizing troll! Such a generalization from you as usual, how come you’re not dead yet?
GetOffMyInternets
Excellent writing by David as usual, Queerty! Graham Gremore and David Grant should take notice as this is so refreshing, and so much better than the vapid crap they churn out as “journalism”.
Burls73
I have spent a majority of my adult life as a single gay man. Over the years, I was used to being the only relative at the table without my +1. Being single has been fulfilling for the most part, but for some reason this Christmas was the most depressing and loneliest Christmas I have ever had. Now that I’m almost 46, I spent a lot of time reflecting on my life and my life is nothing like I had hoped it would have been. I’ve never been married, I don’t have any children. I don’t have a relationship with my sister, and my parents live out-of-State. Don’t get me wrong, I am very thankful for the life that I have but it is during the holidays that I would cherish having someone special to spend time with. Family and friends are important but having a partner you love is entirely different. I related to this article on many points, but this was the first year that I felt completely alone. A large part of me hopes that I don’t have to learn to love spending Christmas alone. I’ve mastered the art of being alone and being content being alone. I don’t mind dining out alone or going to a movie alone but Christmas is one of those few days out of the year that I don’t want to be alone dining or watching a movie. If anything, this Christmas scared me that this is my story and my future. I really hope that my fears are unwarranted. I would really welcome a different story to tell.
misterjack
This is a great piece! Thanks for writing it. My family of origin basically sucks. My father is an abusive asshole, my siblings are Orangeturd supporters, and my mom (whom I loved) is dead. I almost NEVER spend the holidays with them, (especially mom because she’s dead) and this has been my normal since I moved out at 18. I have my own parties. The guest list is people I actually like and enjoy being around. The food is WAY better than the slop my family dishes up. Rarely, I will go to a relative’s for a holiday but I always regret it and can’t wait to get the hell out of there. This year, my husband and I celebrated alone with our two dogs and a cat. It doesn’t need to be a three-ring circus.