I don’t date Asians. Sorry, not sorry.
You’re cute… for an Asian.
I usually like “bears,” but no “panda bears.”
These are just a few of messages 29-year-old Jason says he received back when he was on dating apps.
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“It was really disheartening,” he tells NPR in a new interview. “It really hurt my self-esteem.”
Jason is a gay Filipino man living in Los Angeles. He’s currently working on his Ph.D., which keeps him pretty busy. After seven years of being single, he decided to see what was out there and joined a few apps. But instead of love, what he found was a lot of racism.
Related: Are Asian Men “Desexualized And Emasculated” By The Media? This Guy Thinks So.
“It was it was hurtful at first,” he explains. “But I started to think, I have a choice: Would I rather be alone, or should I, like, face racism?”
Sadly, Jason says he felt he had no option but to deal with the constant rejection because of his ethnicity or be single indefinitely.
And he’s not alone in feeling this way either.
In a 2017 interview with Queerty, comedian Peter Kim, who describes himself as a “fabulous husky gaysian”, said Asian guys constantly find themselves on the receiving end of sexual racism.
“You can call it what you want, but it’s straight up disrespect and I’m not having any of it,” he said. “Idiots who say ‘No Asians’ are the same trash gays who say ‘No Fats, No Fems, Masc only’ and other basic Grindr sh*t like that.”
“It’s usually white gays,” he added, speaking from his own experiences.
Related: Being cisgender, white, and gay is no longer enough to make a guy interesting
Hoang Tan Nguyen, author of A View from the Bottom: Asian American Masculinity and Sexual Representation, concurs.
“Sexual racism is nothing new by any means,” he told Queerty in a 2016 interview. “A job advertisement listing ‘no Asians’ would obviously be considered prejudiced and discriminatory. So why is a hookup ad different? Why is it that a hot chest pic suddenly becomes blockable when an Asian face is revealed?”
Nguyen added that, contrary to what some men still like to believe, not being into Asian men (or any other specific race, for that matter) isn’t a “preference.” It goes much deeper than that.
“I’m more than happy to support people’s personal preferences, sexual and otherwise,” he says; however, “much of what we call ‘preferences’ are actually shaped by cultural norms and social institutions. Racism is not a preference, it’s a social institution that confers benefits and privileges to some while excluding others.”
Jason tells NPR he’s out of the dating game these days after meeting his current partner. And while he had to endure a lot of rude comments, racist remarks, “you’ve been blocked” alerts, he’s happy now.
“Everyone deserves love and kindness and support,” he says. “And pushing through and holding that close to yourself is, I think, actually also what kept me in this online dating realm–just knowing that I deserve this, and if I am lucky enough, it will happen. And it did.”
Related: Bottom Shame With A Side Of “No Asian”: A Message For All You Racist Grindr Users Out There
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Blackceo
:insert any popcorn gif here: cuz this thread gonna be another hot ass mess like the others are about this.
Donston
I don’t really have the energy today to engage this constant mix of Queerty’s hypocrisy and baiting, and the comments mix of wailing and being dismissive.
sfhairy
preach it!
Kangol
First, the article is discussing Asian Americans. There’s a difference.
Second, and though this has nothing to do with the discussion at hand, a number of Asian countries are accepting of 1) homosexuality and queer sexualities; 2) interracial dating; and 3) other races living in their country. In fact, homosexuality is not illegal in the most populous Muslim country on earth, Indonesia. Also, you might not realize this, but a number of Asian countries (Indonesia, Singapore, Philippines, India, Afghanistan, etc.) are more diverse than you think.
Kangol
All “preferences” are shaped by the social, political, economic, and cultural contexts, none of which are static, in which people live. When it comes to human behavior, “natural” requires contextualization.
Ummmm Yeah
First let’s discuss real racism instead of pandering to a hand full of white chasers that can’t get every white guy they want to they keep writing articles whining about it. Or better yet we can talk about the rampant homophobia in the Asian and black communities.
Kangol
I imagine this article is going to explode with the usual “preference” responses, etc., but I do have a few questions. Racism exists in the US, targeted sexual racism against gay Asian American men exists in the US, and this is an ongoing issue.
First, Gremore’s article doesn’t say who’s rejecting these men. Is it white men? Other Asian American men? Men of all races?
Second, Gremore’s article doesn’t say who the Asian American men who did find partners ended up with. Were they white men? Other Asian American men? Men of all races?
Lastly, a comment: Queerty, you can post positive articles about LGBTQ people of color that do not have to focus on dating apps, etc.
sfhairy
of course queerty can’t run an article that’s positive and doesn’t focus on a dating app, where’s the click bait in that?!?
benwa
it took Queerty many years of readers complaining about the lack of color in any way/format, so I hope someday you may read an article that is pro, and not a paid ad or sponsor
Ummmm Yeah
Exactly. This is all because a few chasers occasionally get turned down and can’t handle it. So they either write an article themselves or find some whit guilt trip ridden man hating queen to do it for them.
ingyaom
As a gay man, I’m attracted to other men. Not all men, but not “races” of men, either. There are white men I’m attracted to and white men I’m not, but I’m not attracted to whites (or blacks, or Mexicans, etc.). A handsome man is a handsome man. I can’t imagine trying to tell myself an entire group of people is off-limits because of their “race”. That’s f-ed up.
benwa
thank you
nacks27
AMEN! I agree 100% with that!
Kieran
Well said. Race has little to do with sexual attraction, at least in my experience.
Donston
There are plenty of black men that only want to date or hook up with white dudes. The are plenty of black men who only want to date and/or hook up with black dudes. And plenty of black men that are not moved by race. Some people are triggered by self-hatred or prejudice. And some are triggered merely by what turns them on and what they can develop substantial and sustained passion and desire for. It is what it is. Talking about those nuances would lead to an interesting and insightful conversation. Instead, all Queerty has to offer is hypocritical shame and ridicule.
Brian
I always tended to be primarily attracted to Latino guys. Maybe Middle Eastern or Italian, but always the dark hair, dark features look. Have I met Asian or black or Indian or Scandanavian guys that make me want to fling my legs over my shoulder? Absofvckinglutely. We like what we like, but I don’t know why anyone would completely close themselves off to the idea of possibly maybe someone outside of our little preference box just might float our boats as well?
Horse Lips
Same here. I don’t understand this exclusion. Finding love is difficult enough without throwing up arbitrary obstacles. The only upside of this is more Asian men for me!
Ummmm Yeah
So which one of those made you gay instead of straight?
Danny595
I think that Asian guys, in general, are very attractive. If I didn’t already have a bf, I would definitely date Asian guys. But no way is it “racism” to not be attracted to Asian guys or any other group of guys. And the fact that this argument is being pushed by Graham Gremore – the guy who tries to sell us on loveless promiscuity – makes it lose all credibility.
Kieran
Filipino boys can be exceptionally cute.
Danny595
Filipino guys are great. I had a crush on a Korean-American boy who was taking martial arts at my school.
Nosso Crankee
Our attractions to other people are based on our OWN desires, NOT THE INSECURITIES OR NEEDS OF SOMEONE WHOM WE ARE NOT.
benwa
thank you!
frankcar1965
And what about women? I guess since we are gay we are sexist too. Give me a break. I don’t like leather men. Men who want to fist me and no fems either. And fat? I’m fat enough myself I don’t want that either, but guess what? There are chubby chasers out there who do. Add to that, I’m HIM poz and don’t want a neg guy, so screw off.
Zambos271
^This. I have looked and have never seen an Asian man with a black man relationship or an Asian and Latino combo. So what’s up with that?
Bradsman
If we are now supposed to have sex with someone we’re not attracted to, them we might as well be with woman.
AlexEf
Majority of people use Grindr is for sex, not for relationship.
Do I have a choice who I want to sleep with?
Vince
Every Asian guy that I’ve known has an almost exclusive attraction to white guys. The problem is from within.
benwa
I dont date just one race or one look, I date what attracts me, but I like how others feel the need to put me into on of THEIR catagories. If they find out I like asians I got yellow fever, if they find out I like black men, they have many comments, but if I say a white guy is cute, so what. I cant stand this stupidity. Cute is Cute no matter what the color or how you classify yourself.
calpoidog
At least he’ll have some “rejection practice” for when he’s over 40 and falls into another category. As an over 50 year old, I am the subject of SEXUAL AGEISM…lol
I get that minorities must get this kind of rejection more frequently than white guys but these guys think it only happens to (insert characteristic here) and are just not paying attention. It happens to all of us, and to some of us, often. There are white guys who are ONLY into Asians (often then the Asians will complain they don’t want to date a “Rice Queen”). Is his “preference” to only date slim guys? Obviously that’s a “learned” preference that he’s not into obese men. I’m over 50 and would love to be having sex with someone like him…I’m probably not his type because of my age..that’s his preference and I get it.
Queerty’s had an article from pretty much every type of guy on this subject – minorities, older guys, heavy guys, disabled guys….I could go on and on. Not sure what the point is…we all get rejected, life sucks, it hurts your self esteem, you move on and find someone who is into you so your cup’s not half empty all the time. What you DON’T do is continue to complain about it, because that’s always SUPER attractive to people. Gay victims…hot!
nacks27
It is pretty bad now when a guy messages you on the app’s and asks “I’m Asian is that ok?”. Everytime I get that I die inside. For a community that is looking to seek acceptance and rights within the larger national/international stage, we sure do a poor job of accepting people within our own community.
Danny595
If you were truly concerned about community and uplifting your fellow gay people, you wouldn’t be hunting through a menu of digital torsos looking to acquire the body of a complete stranger for loveless sex. Don’t pretend for one moment that what you do on that app is ennobling or progressive.
KaiserVonScheiss
I see my comment was deleted. http://archive.is/EiW6z
Can someone not handle criticism?
KaiserVonScheiss
In fact, it looks like all the comments in disagreement have been deleted.
Kieran
That’s sad. Diversity of viewpoint should not just be respected, but encouraged.
jd.cali
I don’t doubt this at all. My question is to Asian Gays. Anybody?
Why is it that the gay Asian, I know, are not attracted to other gay Asians either? Not all of course… but an overwhelming majority of them prefer to date, if not only, non-Asians.
And this I’ve noted countless time and when I’ve asked why- the answer is- the same. I’m only attracted to white/Latino/Black Guys… Seems very hypocritical to me and self hating
PinkoOfTheGange
5 years ago I would of told you the answer that I got when I asked that same question as a queerling, I think he was half kidding, but still I don’t want to get banned.
simulations
I love the irony of the race debate but only for the attractive men. Us uggers of any race have to fend for ourselves, right? ?
Bring back the days of mIRC when you didn’t know what someone looked like before you hooked up and you had to wait until that first date before you rejected someone based on their appearance. Good times…
AlexEf
I am thinking about the same thing all the time.. Those were the times…
PinkoOfTheGange
You didn’t wait the 3 and a half hours to get a grainy drivers license sized photo? Very daring you were(are).
paljim
What about the white guys who date ONLY Asian guys? Does that make them racists, too?
Or the black guys who date only other black guys? Or the black guys who date only white guys or the white guys who date only black guys? You get the picture.
True racism is the belief that people not of your own race are inferior: intellectually, morally, socially…or should be denied the rights that accrue to ones own race: where to live, what schools they can attend, what jobs they can take.
Ryuun12
Everyday another post about how awful white men are for their preferences. But never say anything about the asian/black men who have different preferences.
And you wonder why white gays don’t want to talk to you? Take your victim identity politics out of here.
gymmuscleboy
Ryuun12: Well said!
viking329
when is it racism and when is it a preference?
i’m genuinely curious.
Paco
It’s racism when you outright reject an entire race without acknowledging the underlying reason why. Every race has attractive people. Were you socially conditioned to not like a certain race? Socially conditioned to only accept one race as the standard of beauty?
If you aren’t attracted to a person, that is perfectly fine. If you aren’t attracted to an entire race, then there is something else going on beyond simple preference. It may be something simple as fetish for a race or learned bigotry toward a race.
AlexEf
Name at least one person who is “attracted to an entire race”? And why just -a race- and not -all the races-? If some idiot states ‘no asians’ in their Grindr profile, it doesn’t mean they don’t like all the Asians. It means they don’t want to have sex with Asian guys. Social education is required, not shaming.
Paco
@AlexEf, I said “like” as in “have sex with”. If someone doesn’t want to have sex with any Asian guys no exceptions, there is something other than simple preference at work there.
And where did I claim anyone was attracted an entire race of people, ugly or pretty?
PinkoOfTheGange
It usually involves being a jerk about your “preferences”. A polite not interested v. I don’t date fill-in-the-blank.
PSGuy5
I’m going to repeat Paco’s comment, substituting “sexism” for “racism”:
It’s sexism when you outright reject an entire sex without acknowledging the underlying reason why. Every sex has attractive people. Were you socially conditioned to not like a certain sex? Socially conditioned to only accept one sex as the standard of beauty?
If you aren’t attracted to a person, that is perfectly fine. If you aren’t attracted to an entire sex, then there is something else going on beyond simple preference. It may be something simple as fetish for a sex or learned bigotry toward a sex.
Using the above logic, gay men who won’t consider dating women are sexist….i.e., it is not appropriate to rule out dating an entire subset of people without considering people individually!
Coruna2018
To all the white men on here,
You are the examples of sexual racism that this article expresses by denying or minimizing such a thing. There are people who still think the world is flat!
Carl Jung created the word “imago” to define the set of images, messages, and experiences that children receive as to what is considered physically attractive. By puberty, the imago is set in stone, unless one sees it as a handicap and takes Jung’s Imago Therapy in order to rewire one’s attractions. Imago doesn’t change sexual orientation, simply it expands on who we find sexually attractive. Some men have imagos that are wide-ranging in types of sexual attraction; some men have more restrictive imagos, meaning only one look excites them, sexually.
Viking329 asks when is it racism and when is it preference? Finding one or several Asian men is a preference. Believing all Asian men are unattractive is sexual racism. White Americans (and more than a few Latino Americans) are the most vehement deniers of racism while their comments are full of racism. A preference might be for a tall man but does that mean 6’2″ or higher Asians “need not apply”. I’m a white Latino who doesn’t like all white, Latino, Asian, Black, and Pacific Islander men but I do find many in these groups attractive and sexy Plus, I’ve dated many men from these groups. I repeat-there is no such thing as a man saying he doesn’t like Asians or any other ethnic group without that being racist or expressing racist beliefs.
It’s the sad American disease of denial which prohibits well-grounded, honest conversations about sexual racism or gets people to admit that in them and find solutions to remove that racism because all members of an ethnic group cannot (nor should be) be judged by the experiences (social, sexual, professional, etc.) that one had with one or a few members of that ethnic group.
Those that don’t like Asians, you miss out and nip your own pleasure in the bud!
UltimateSin
Wow, this was (and probably will be ) the most intelligent thought out comment on this issue in probably all of the similar articles I have ever seen on this site . Honestly from the bottom of my heart , thank you.
AlexEf
Alright, just for you (and other sextivists alike) from now on I will be hooking up with all the Asian guys who will message me on Grindr. Do I have to sleep with “fatties”, “oldies” and “uglies” too I guess? Also, if I someone at a gay bar will approach me, I will have sex with them too. I can’t decline their sexual advances since I don’t want to be a bigot . Grindr is for sex after all.
chris33133
Am I the only to see the irony in Carl Jung being cited as the basis for this critique. After he all, he was an anti-Semite whose issues with Freud can, at best, be described as Oedipal and who, initially, supported Nazism on grounds that it tapped into some sort of primal stuff whose technical term eludes me at this point.
PinkoOfTheGange
@ Chris no not the only one.
There a couple of good points, but what bible college did he come from? #VirtueSignaling
chris33133
It’s okay to prefer certain types. But preference becomes racism (or even sexism) when one’s first reaction on being contacted is to be completely dismissive and dickish about things. ….. Try something along these lines: when someone hits on you, your first reaction should be to admire their taste in men. Now, take it from there and be nice. ….. Sheesh!
PinkoOfTheGange
This is it…
gymmuscleboy
chris33133, consider three qualities that you consider least attractive in a man. Now consider how you would react if a man with all three of these sends you a message on Grindr. This is why some will “be completely dismissive” of messages from fat, asian, fems on Grindr.
Do what I do, set up a keyboard shortcut in your iPhone that writes “Thanks for your message. Sorry I’m not really that interested. Cheers”. Regardless, we should not judge men that have these preferences clear in their profile from the outset.
This article is a character attack on everyone in general – as we all have preferences – and this sort of narrative is being spread with alarming frequency this day and age. Many of us can see that this is undue and manipulative, and WE DO NOT DESERVE TO HAVE OUR PREFERENCES DICTATED TO US IN THIS WAY.
dean089
Reading this article makes me think of all the times various Asian guys have told me “You’re too old and fat” in response to my asking them out. So then I wonder how many of those same guys have themselves turned around and complained that no one will date Asians.
gymmuscleboy
dean089: You’re absolutely right – it is a double standard.
gymmuscleboy
I’ve dated asian men, fat men, and fem men, and I would prefer not to again.
There is no logic to this article – the criteria for finding a sexual partner is completely different to a job interview. “Everyone deserves love and kindness and support” is not an argument either. The author would feel better if I dated specific types of men I am not attracted to, and to achieve that he is going to call me racist and trash.
Where is the logic in this article? Actual logic – it is absent.
It is time we accept that rejecting white men for preferring other white men (while allowing racial minorities to have preferences) is the REAL discrimination!
Dellen95
Notice how the Asian gays only complain about WHITES dont date them,obviously if they didn’t exclusively search white people they wouldn’t complain about specifically whites not dating them instead of the gay community in general. They only go after whites then complain when whites don’t want them, ironic
Paco
so according to you, Asian gays only exclusively search for white guys to date and have sex with. Maybe they are approaching guys they think are attractive and are getting the most rejection based on their ethnicity from whites compared to the others they approach.
Get over yourself.
Brian
That’s really what you got out of this? That Asian guys are searching exclusively for white guys?
Mykey
A lot of dating apps would concur! It’s always “Whites only” on an asian profile than any other race! I’ve seen a “Sorry, but am not into asians” posted by asian guys! Self-loathing much?
Brian
I’m sure I’ll get ripped a new one for asking this, but how much of this do you think is related to penis size? Yes, there are some well hung Asian guys out there, but the stereotype does exist for a reason, even if the size difference isn’t nearly as drastic as the stereotype would have you believe.
SiamSam
And the fact they have more neotenic features than most (they can look more like children).
Knight
Your speaking as a bottom. As a top, penis size wouldn’t matter. I’ve personally been inside more Asian men than H1N1. But I’m not white. Most likely the whole anti-Asian stigma in the gay community has to do with the fact that the ideal “hot” dude put in front of everyone’s face on every magazine etc is the buffed white 20-something masculine dude. People (shallow gays included) are very susceptible to advertising and peer pressure. If you were sitting with your gaggle of “girlfriends” sipping margaritas and guy-watching while a hot Asian guy who looked like a buffed, hotter version of Bruno Mars walked passed, you might here the head-queen say something like, “hmmm…to bad he’s Asian…” And even if YOU personally found him attractive, you might take that comment subliminally meaning you would lose your status as “alpha-bottom” in your group if you were caught dating an Asian.
The day Asian men are “in” again (and it HAS happened before; Keanu Reeves, Lou Diamond Phillips, the Rock etc) this will change and become a non-issue.
Knight
And yes…I mean’t “you’re”, not your (started the sentence in a different direction, then changed it).
Brian
Except, I’m not a bottom.
Knight
Suuuuuure you’re not ; ) You’re secret’s safe with us. BTW, why did you change your profile pic??? You were one of the only other guys here who posted their face pic. I wish MORE guys would have the balls to. I was hoping it would help people to stop treating others so spitefully (as we have seen, it’s easy for people here to lash out for no reason just for a difference of opinion…but maybe not if we considered for a second that there are actually people typing behind the posts).
SiamSam
I do get it. It sucks to be shot down before even getting a chance. Thing is, we ALL get rejected for quite arbitrary reasons or factors we have no control over. Part of being an adult is dealing maturely with rejection and moving on. Whining and sounding needy is not sexy or attractive.
Knight
Agreed, Sammy.
Knight
Isn’t it ironic that just 2 days ago Queerty was called out for its subtle racism against Asians, and now they post this article trying to show everyone that “hey! We understand the plight of Asians in our community too!”
So, effing transparent it’s scary.
Rangerboy
The whining of Asians is pathetic at times: I am of mixed (non Asian) heritage, and it is almost unbelieveable how Asians reject non Asians too….! How many times have I head, Asians only….!
Mykey
Isn’t it asians who are the most likely to say on dating apps “Only white men, not into asians or blacks, sorry”?
sydboy007
So the profiles of Asian guys saying Asians only isn’t racist? Same for blacks?
There’s so many fish in the sea why worry about the preferences of others, even the rude one’s who moved beyond politely stating their preferences
Rex Huskey
i’ve been with asian men before…several of them. They have small dicks. I just prefer big dicks even on my bottom boys. I’m mean please…. !!!
DCFarmboy
I wouldn’t tell someone else who they have to date or hook up with. But yes, it is highly racist when one politely declines a sign of interest from a white guy but feels a need to respond with “no Asians” or similar words to an Asian guy.
abu117
I have dated Asian men and am always drawn back to them. In fact, so much so that I built a personals website expressly for the purpose of allowing gay Asians and caucasian men to meet. You guys should check it out. Right now I am offering a FREE LIFETIME VIP membership 🙂 https://www.potatoesandrice.com