LESBI-ANGST

Lesbian Sumo Wrestler Attacks Snickers Bar With A Smirnoff Ice

A year after the breakup that “ruined her life”, Sandra Talbot literally bumped into her into her ex-girlfriend Adrienne Martin while wearing an inflatable sumo wrestler costume at an Irish pub Halloween party. They traded words and later when Martin started waving to a man dressed as a Snickers bar, the sumo wrestler allegedly shoved her, hit her on the side of the head, and then threw a Smirnoff Ice bottle at the Snickers bar. Now they’re all in court and that’s where it really gets weird…

Talbot and Martin’s versions of events differ wildly of course. Talbot alleges that she accidentally brushed her ex with her inflated costume’s huge belly, as she did a lot of people that night. Martin said, “Watch where you are going with that thing,” and Talbot replied, “Shut up and grow up.”

According to Talbot, the two women got into a row, sans Smirnoff Ice. Talblot claims that Martin had been telling lies about her on social networking sites and that she had showed up to last year’s Pride march with her new girlfriend in matching t-shirts saying “Who’s sorry now?” and “Sandra is.”

Martin swears that the t-shirts had no such slogans, only the words “In Loving Memory” and a picture of her sister who had recently died of a brain aneurysm.

Physical assault and violent exes are dead serious, but there’s something almost Dada-esque about a sumo wrestler on trial for assaulting a candy bar with malt liquor. No word on whether they’ll call the Snickers bar as a surprise witness. The real guilty party of course is Smirnoff Ice; whether ingested or thrown, it only hurts.