With a fluffy white beard and that big old belly, Santa is the original daddy. There’s just something so sexy about a man who punishes you for being naughty, but also might get you a PlayStation if you do as he says, right? (Also, the fact that he makes a list and puts people into two distinct categories? We stan a fastidious king.)
But the appeal of “The Man With The Bag” is no secret—for decades, pop culture has been littered with hot Santas, and they come in all shapes and sizes. Do you like your Santa burly? A bit more rough around the edges? A little animated? Well, it just so happens there’s a Father Christmas to heat up your holidays, no matter your taste.
‘Tis the season, so bust out the milk and cookies, and enjoy our ranking of the sexiest Santas of all time.
10. The Actual Saint Nicholas
The legend of Santa Claus is based on a real person, Saint Nicholas, who has a reputation for being a real sweetie. He famously gave away all of his inherited wealth, traveling the countryside to help the poor—kind of like Bernie Sanders mixed with Maya Rudolph in Loot! And here’s the thing: While he was serving dowries for women to protect them from slavery, he was also serving looks. Check out those cheekbones! St. Balthasar could literally never.
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9. Paul Orchard as Lumen Santa
A few years ago, Lumen (a dating site for singles over 50) stopped Prancer, Blitzen, and especially Vixen in their tracks with an ad campaign featuring model Paul Orchard in an especially thirsty take on Kris Kringle. His deeply hot Santa hopefully helped a few sexagenarians find love without putting too many pacemakers on the fritz.
Related: Norway’s postal service creates beautiful, gay-themed ‘When Harry Met Santa’ advert
8. David Harbour in Violent Night
The newest entrant in the hot Santa canon is Harbour (best known as Stranger Things‘ erstwhile sheriff Hopper) in this holiday action flick that’s one part Home Alone, one part Die Hard, and all holly-jolly mayhem. Harbour’s avenging Saint Nick is here to kick bad guy butt and spread some holiday cheer. But guess what? He’s all out of cheer.
7. Robert Brian Wilson in Silent Night, Deadly Night
Whereas the Santa in Violent Night kills bad guys to protect the innocent, the murderous Santa in this over-the-top ’80s slasher is just out here attacking orphans and nuns for no good reason at all. But also he’s not not sexy, right? Look at those baby blue eyes! You could get lost in them even as he comes at you with an axe.
6. Kris Kringle (Mickey Rooney) in Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town
Are you trying to tell us this guy—stop-motion animation or otherwise—couldn’t ruin your whole life? This classic TV movie from 1970 tells the origin story of Santa Claus, and brings us a young Kris Kringle like we’ve never seen him before: As a hot, bearded ginger.
Related: Gay Santa honored for his 30 years of holly, jolly service
5. Terrence Howard in Best Man Holiday
14 years after the original film, the gang got back together for a holiday sequel, complete with a “Can You Stand The Rain?” lip-sync by the Best Man men that can truly change lives. But we’re not here to rank the sexiest 90’s R&B lip-syncs from original cast members of Rent—we’re ranking the hottest Santas! And, for that, we applaud, thank, and thirst for Terrence Howard’s Quentin dressed up as Old Saint Nick.
4. Nicholas St. North (Alec Baldwin) in Rise Of The Guardians
You don’t need to actually be Santa to be a hot Santa. This 2012 animated film plays it fast and loose with the mythology around children’s holiday heroes, and its stand-in for Santa is a hulking, tatted-up man who goes by North. Sure, he lives in the North Pole, but, with a thick Russian accent, he’s not exactly the St. Nick we all know and love. Is it traditional? No. Does it get our tinsel tangled? Very much yes.
3. Richard Attenborough in Miracle On 34th Street
Don’t let anyone tell you kindness isn’t sexy! Richard Attenborough (he of “Welcome to Jurassic Park” fame) plays the most traditional of all Santas: A Macy’s department store Santa who may or may not be the real deal. Spoiler alert: He is, and it’s so incredibly sweet that he automatically climbs our “Nice List.”
2. Kurt Russell in The Christmas Chronicles
In our on-the-ground research (a.k.a texting the gays in the Group Chat), Kurt Russell’s recent spin in the sleigh came up the most when polling about Hottest Santas. It seems Mr. Goldie Hawn has made quite a few boys excited to get their cookies eaten, if you know what we mean. His version of Santa as both a dad figure to some plucky Chicago kids and a daddy figure to a generation of gals and gays has become downright formative.
1. Santa Claus
What? He does exist! And who else could top this list? (Or bottom it, depending on which way you read it.) Santa literally comes down a chimney every year, and, for that, he’ll always he the hottest one of all.
Related: 12 silly, sexy holiday stocking stuffers that are sure to turn Santa queer
DavidIntl
Now, he is not my type – and pretty much no one who would be effective playing the role of Santa Claus would be – but I am guessing you left out Tim Allen because…. you don’t agree with his politics.
Robert Bradley
I’m good with it
storm45701
Is Tim Allen sexy? Not in the least.
dbmcvey
Or, because he’s not sexy, which was the point of this.
IvanPH
Santa Claus of Klaus